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Original poster

Daughter accused of bullying

401 replies

Pennyhill22 · 24/05/2022 08:17

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

OP posts:
yellowsuninthesky · 24/05/2022 22:06

Soulstirring · 24/05/2022 20:07

Oh, I’ve seen your latest update. Ouch.

at 11 she’s knows what’s banter.

There are loads of adults who don't know what banter is...

Its helpful that shes admitted it at least, I'd contact the other parents, tell them she had admitted it and will be punished. Re assure them that she will never behave this way again and make sure she understands this. After all that, I think the cpo etc is all a bit of overkill, Kids are mean to each other at clubs all the time, I'm not sure that its appropriate to go straight to defcom 5 at the first stage

I don't think I agree. The consequences should be at the football club.

WibblyWobblyLane · 24/05/2022 22:06

If you come down hard on her now she's come clean, she'll learn that it's better the try and hide the truth. You need to use this as a teachable moment though, you need to show her that the onus is on her to make amends and apologise to the other girl and I would also have her doing something to educate on the impact of bullying and homophobia such as volunteering or see if any awareness programmes are going on with rainbow Friday in the next month.

Hallefuckinglujah · 24/05/2022 22:14

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/05/2022 21:22

Some of the reactions on here are over the top. The OPs daughter is only 11 and still learning where the line lies.
Shw needs love acceptance and support

So does the bullied child.

The bully might have the excuse of being a child, what's the fully grown man's excuse for his shitty attitude?

RedPlumbob · 24/05/2022 22:18

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/05/2022 21:33

You have them wired for sound do you? I think you may be surprised at what your little angels come out with in the playground

Show quote history

Lmao. My kids probably do say horrid things but they sure as shit do not spout hate speech. It’s not difficult to raise kids that aren’t racist/homophobic/insert other bigoted word here.

Do better, hun.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/05/2022 22:22

the club would get involved and it would be very serious.

But the club is already involved so is that under your control? How can you promise the club wont get involved? Surely it's up to the other parents and the director of football to decide?

Honestly the best thing your DH could do would be to ask the director of football himself to pass it to safeguarding. Then he's doing the right thing and he is seen to be doing the right thing. And it's best for your DD to face the consequences of her own behaviour with the club. It will be tough for her but it wont be the end of the world and you can support her through it.

Pickabearanybear · 24/05/2022 22:25

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Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Lollypop701 · 24/05/2022 22:27

I think op knew her dd had done it … and knowing this was considering the fallout. It’s more of a ffs moment and hoping she’d not done it… because Tbf it’s a shit show.

mainly . Because it’s going to be treated differently to how this would be dealt with if they were not heavily involved with the club and training the team . Volunteers are hard to come by, it’s VERY time consuming.

unfortunately I think dd is going to have deal with the repercussions… apologise and maybe look at a charity that helps the bullied that she can volunteer or be educated at, so she understands the hurt she caused. How much impact words can have. Your dd knew it was wrong, or she wouldn’t have lied,l.

she also needs to understand the impact it has on you and her dad. Honestly I think she needs to leave the team for a while … her dad being coach also puts her in a powerful position in this instance… the other girl may have waited to complain due to this. I hope this isn’t the case and she has been outed quickly so hopefully not an ingrained habit . I hope you and dh don’t stop working with the club op… you are needed y 12 other young people and

Johnnysgirl · 24/05/2022 22:33

I hope you and dh don’t stop working with the club op… you are needed y 12 other young people
Based on op's posts, her dh is not of sufficient calibre be working with young people at all.
He's trying to brand one of the young witnesses an untrustworthy liar because he dislikes both her and her father, and is more concerned with the impact on his own position with the club than the impact on the bullied child.
I wouldn't want my 11 year old coached by such a person.

Greywhippet · 24/05/2022 22:47

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Branleuse · 24/05/2022 22:54

bendmeoverbackwards · 24/05/2022 16:28

'Fond' FFS. @Pennyhill22 as a club manager, it is not your dh's job to take a like or dislike to a particular child. It is his job to look out for ANY child being bullied and take action against the perpetrator even if she is his own daughter. If is he going to turn a blind eye, he should not be in the job.

You sound quite nervous and worried about this. If your daughter is innocent there is no need for worry surely?

Wtf do you think is going to happen to her?

bendmeoverbackwards · 24/05/2022 22:55

@Sparro you misunderstood me. Yes absolutely the girl being bullied is the victim here. But the OP’s dd is being massively let down by her own parents who are minimising their daughter’s behaviour and not teaching her that ‘banter’ is not ok and is bullying behaviour. How the hell will children learn from their mistakes if they get away with it?

Branleuse · 24/05/2022 22:58

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Is this for real? Its an 11 year old kid insulting another kid in a football match type situation. Does noone just tell kids to pack it in anymore?

TrashyPanda · 24/05/2022 23:01

Oh dear.

it sounds like OP knew her DD was lying all along, and that she had been bullying the other girl. She just didn’t want to admit that her child could be so horrible, or that she would lie repeatedly. She’s a kid, it’s not too late for her to turn around - but she needs to publicly apologise to the poor girl. And OP needs to decide what to by way of punishment for the name calling and the repeated lying. She’s probably wondering if her DDs friend who was no longer willing to speak out has been pressurised by her kid too.

it’s up to the club as to how they deal with this nasty incident. A ban for the rest of the season? Of course, the rest of the team might not want her back.

the husband is the most worrying. He’s clearly bigoted and thinks he can steam roller his way over things in his path. I wouldn’t want anyone with his views working with my child, because I couldn’t trust him to do the right thing.

PixieLaLa · 24/05/2022 23:32

Your DH has behaved awfully, your DD has been caught out making homophobic bullying remarks and you clearly have your head to far up your own arse to take any of this on board. What a shit show 💩

daffodilsareinbloom · 25/05/2022 02:43

It's good she finally owned up, though it seems she did it b/c it was clear due to witness' if she did't she'd be in trouble with the club. I was sad to read how much emphasis has bee on your dh & dd not having their reputation impacted...

Personally I think as a parent I'd have my child have to leave the club for at least 3-6 months. They bullied, using their position of power against a child, used homophobic slurs and then denied it. This could be a very critical part of her life where she is given a very clear message this stops now. You mention once grounding her for a day? i'm not sure that's anywhere near enough. I'd seek out some counselling and some service work/volunteering, teaching her the impact of words. I'd let this other child have football without worry your dd is going to treat her so so poorly.

There's no winners in situations like this but you owe the other child a safe environment and your child a very clear road to learning from her significant mistake.

IncompleteSenten · 25/05/2022 06:11

She's still lying.
You know that, right?
She thought she was untouchable because her dad's the manager and she was nearly right wasn't she? Its only that the other child's parents aren't going away quietly.

Pipsquiggle · 25/05/2022 07:08

This is a teachable moment for your DD (and DH).

As I said before upthread, my DC was caught for saying rude words at primary school to try to be 'cool.'

We asked him about it, he denied it.

Then school rang and told me my DS was involved and he got consequences at school.

At home he got a week without any screen time (TV & tablet) for the actual incident. He then got 3 further weeks without screen time for the lying. We said that the lying to us had broken our trust in him and he had to earn that back. We supported DS through his punishment, we talked about lying, how rude words hurt people and how he is good enough and doesn't need to be 'cool' to have friends.

I think it was a mistake to say she won't get in trouble for telling the truth

Pipsquiggle · 25/05/2022 07:39

Also @Pennyhill22 well done for coming back on here to update.

I remember my shame - another school mum had warned me that my DC was involved. I asked my Ds and he denied it. I told her that I didn't think he was involved........... Then the school ran.

I wrote back to her saying that my Ds had lied and how school had rung. She was really lovely to me and supportive.

Your DD and DH must be seen to go through this bullying investigation process. Take the punishment.

Beamur · 25/05/2022 07:42

Oh dear. It's coming out now.
You have to keep your promise of no consequences or else you are teaching her to lie. No consequences at home maybe although I would hope your disappointment is chastisement enough. The club however should discipline her and your DH needs to stop covering his own back and actually be a leader with integrity. His attitude throughout this has been really poor - even from the OP's quite restrained posts he seems rather entrenched in favouritism and cronyism. The DD will have picked up on this and I would agree suspect she's interpreted this as her being untouchable.

diddl · 25/05/2022 08:05

DH is not to fond of this girl or her father and has said she is not believable.

But more believable than your daughter??!!

Your husband is a disgrace.

No wonder your daughter thinks she can bully her.

I hope he steps down-or is forced to.

whowhatwerewhy · 25/05/2022 08:33

What a horrible situation.
I would now let the club deal with it . If you and DH try to sort it it will look like you are trying to gloss things over.
Let the club handle it from now on

lunar1 · 25/05/2022 08:45

You have said no consequences for your dd and that's what got her to tell the truth, so you have to stick to it.

There does have to be overall consequences. Your husband needs to resign. He didn't believe the other child, even with witnesses. He didn't like the bullied girl, he isn't an impartial coach and isn't suitable to continue working with children due to his own prejudice.

The club is then free to give your DD whatever the normal consequences are for a bully within their team, completely separated from you as a family, because you can't protect her from outside consequences.

thedancingbear · 25/05/2022 09:05

It's really saddening that the parents of bullies so often have their kids' backs.

The apple often doesn't fall far from the tree, unfortunately.

YarnHoarder · 25/05/2022 09:45

I've been watching this thread since about page 3 and each update seems to get worse.

It's your husband's inaction that reflects badly on him and his role, way more than a rude and bullying daughter. You've known for a week, why has it taken this long and the promise of more inaction for the truth to come out. There should and will likely be consequences for her (and probably his) behaviour, you should allow it to happen and not to try and intervene.

I also think in light of this not being taken seriously and your DH's role the parents were absolutely right to escalate as well as asking other parents and children if they knew anything. Bullying is bad enough but what has occured could potentially be a hate crime, that's how serious this is and if it continues she could find herself in serious trouble and not just with the club.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/05/2022 10:06

OP - your child needs to know the difference between banter and what's acceptable (never in these terms) and not.

Get books/watch videos etc on this but definitely don't minimise.

She's not too young to learn and try to improve. Yes, sometimes kids get carried away and call names but they shouldn't, not in this scenario.