Daughter accused of bullying

[Pennyhill22]

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

That's a difference between punishment and consequences. OP cannot now groom's her or take away her phone, for instance. That's punishment varied out by her parents.
However DD can and should apologise to the girl (without excuses) because that's a consequence of her behaviour, and accept any club based consequences which might include being suspended temporarily.

GROUND her, not groom's her

Sigh. And carried out, not varied out.

I've recently changed the keyboard on my phone and it's creating havoc with my posts.

Why can't op issue a punishment? What's wrong with grounding her for her vile behaviour?

I'm not sure why shes bullied but you'll want to get to the root of that before issuing a punishment imo. Cos if you punish she could lie next time to avoid being punished again

Because when trying to get the truth from her, OP said she wouldn't be punished if she told the truth.

Some of the reactions on here are over the top. The OPs daughter is only 11 and still learning where the line lies.
Shw needs love acceptance and support

I agree with what crazycrazylady has put. It’s really difficult, I do think your daughter has to apologise directly to the other child. You need to have a very constructive conversation with your daughter about how she handled it, it would have been far better if she had been honest with you straight away. She needs to learn from this and then move on from it. It can’t become what defines her if that makes sense. My sister had something similar with her daughter, my niece. She was 12, very quiet and another mum raised with my sister that she had been sending really vicious messages to her daughter who was older. It was really strange but all there in print to see! No explanation as to why from my niece. No reason why this particular girl was picked on by her. It was awful for my sister to accept her daughter was a bully, she took her round to the girls house to apologise face to face and she was removed from all social media for over a year - no phone, Snapchat etc etc. At same time she did support her daughters mental well-being if that makes sense, spending time with her, making sure she was really listening to her and how she was feeling, what was happening at school. It is in the past now, no repeat of the behaviour. I still wonder what the trigger was. Good luck not easy at all.

She needs love, acceptance, support, to be educated as to what she did wrong, why it was wrong, and consequences for her actions.

The victim of her homophobic bullying needs love, acceptance and support, and to feel safe, knowing that people are not going to be allowed to bully her with impunity, because of who their Daddy is.

The other girl is also only 11. And being bullied at that age can be very damaging, with long term effects. Where's your sympathy for her?

Still learning at 11? Bullshit. I have DDs of varying ages and not one of them have spouted any bigoted comments.

Oh, to add, the victim of the bullying (and her parents) also need to be acknowledged for doing the right thing and going through the process, knowing it could cost them.

if her mum was posting on here i would be sympathetic

You have them wired for sound do you? I think you may be surprised at what your little angels come out with in the playground

I’d almost be more concerned about the “just banter” excuse than the name calling. Truly the retort of the coward and victims blamed.

I’d be questioning what sort of culture your husband is imbuing in the club if she’s trotting out the “just banter” line

Acceptance of homophobic bullying?

No.

OP It must have been really difficult to come back and tell us that your daughter has admitted that she has been calling the other girl names. Thank you for being so honest.

Now that you know the truth, you and your husband need to step up and take control of the situation.

Your husband needs suspend your daughter from the team until this is resolved, he then needs to take the initiative and report this to the CPO himself. That will demonstrate that he does not intend to sweep this under the carpet, because you know that will be what other parents are saying. These two actions will also give you the space to support your daughter and decide on an appropriate punishment as parents, without the added pressure of acting on behalf of the team as well.

The father should be mortified that he said that the other girl was unbelievable because he didn't like her.

Oh, I see.

You also shouldnt have said it wont go higher if she just tells the truth that wasnt your call to make

Oh cmon op you knew fine well she was lying, as did your husband, and in what planet is crude names and homophobic slurs “ banter”

I don’t know what’s wrong with your family or why you are all behaving like this, is it shame, ignorance, but when your kid behaves like this as parents it’s on us to deal with it, not hide, mitigate, lie, you do your child no favours if you lack the moral fibre to deal with it.

She knew it was wrong. She knew it wasnt banter. That's why she lied.

It has already been reported to the club, with a list of insults and times and dates. It has already gone further than just you telling her off. You shouldn't have told her that it wouldnt go any further.

You need to engage with the club and follow their bullying policy. Your husband should already know what that is as the manager and what steps they like to take etc. He needs to go through those and follow them. Your daughter will need to face the consequences.

And you should be enforcing some consequences at home for her behaviour and for the lieing.

OP do you think it's a coincidence that a child /family that your h doesn't like was the victim?

Yes... the word 'banter' is often used to hide bullying.

I strongly recommend that you pull your daughter from this team.

Your husband might be able to continue ButtockUp your daughter cannot, surely?

The fact that her best friend admitted that she didn't want to be involved speaks volumes.

What @crowsfeet57 said up thread.