Husband mocking me, says I’ve changed for the worst

[redskyatmorning]

I have changed over the past few years in a way, yes. I was a meat eater but always fussy, never tried red meat or sea food, was funny with chicken so I decided to go vegetarian a year or so ago, I also cut out cows milk as I thought it was linked to my stomach pains and I couldn’t believe how much better I felt after a couple of months. I felt more energetic and my long term eczema all but went away. I gradually became vegan and got into nutrition, found it all quite interesting. From there I became interested in natural products, skin care etc. I started feeling at one with myself, and was looking and feeling the best I’d ever felt. I became interested in my health and got the family on vitamins and supplements. I even found my anxiety getting better especially after I started doing yoga too. I don’t harp on it all the time I just feel like I discovered a new interest in wellness and it improved my life a lot.

My husband was happy to get vegetarian with me, he offered I never pushed it on him. He didn’t go vegan with me but I never asked him too, I do only cook vegan but he’ll add cheese etc if he wants too, he’ll cook himself eggs. It doesn’t bother me and I don’t comment on it. The only change I’ve really pushed on him was taking vitamins which isn’t bad. He just keeps mocking me, saying I’m going full hippy and soon I’ll be in mandala print trousers and have dreads. Lots of little comments like that. I’m definitely not, at all, even though it wouldn’t be an insult if I had.. I just genuinely haven’t. Im eating healthier and I’ve got into yoga and skincare - big woop.

We were at my in laws over the weekend and they all commented on me being vegan, I just laughed and said I never thought I would either but I feel so good in myself since doing so. Sister in law commented on my skin (always had bad eczema on face) saying how clear it was and was that just from the diet change? I said it’s definitely had an effect, but that I had spent a lot of time looking into natural products and skincare routines and my husband interrupted and said “oh god who put a penny in you” I said she asked about my eczema being better, he just went off in this rant.. I don’t even know who you are anymore, natural this natural that, fucking boring, you’re becoming a complete hippy, gonna find yourself with a spliff soon enough, I’d rather you still have eczema and not be such a boring cunt.. his mum laughed. His sister said don’t call her that and he said I’m joking I’m just pissed you’re not a cunt love but it is fucking boring I stand by that, something along those lines.

I feel really hurt, it’s not like him to swear at me or call me names at all. Also he’s made me feel embarrassed to have these interests and like I need to hide them now.

Go you, OP! Your personal transformation is uplifting.

Your DP is insecure. He is also mean-spirited and contemptuous; grim traits.

That newfound sense of self you have -let that be the inner compass by which you now navigate. You already did it with your physical health; you listened to your body and excluded what felt bad and moved toward the things which brought you comfort and ease. Now do the same for your heart and your soul. Trust how you feel. It'll take a different kind of courage to act on what comes to light, but you can do it.

You do not need DP's validation (even though it seems he is working hard, consciously or subconsciously, to establish this response and expectation in you). You are kind and caring and are naturally referencing his opinion and feedback, but these are not coming from a place of kindness or caring in him, but rather from a misplaced desire for self-preservation. You engage in good faith, he does not. See what it feels like to notice that his offering is not addressed from his heart to yours, and metaphorically place his remarks and eye-rolls on the hall table of your awareness, like misdirected mail, to be engaged with later, or not at all.
Keep following that golden thread of your own wellbeing, OP.

I’d be horrified if my husband called me that. He is jealous and insecure, trying to get you to stop using makeup? He should be over the moon for you.

@gamerchick

Callit you a cunt is game over OP. How dare he, id be apocalyptic if my husband humiliated me and called me that.

^This.

The best change you can make right now OP is to change your (D)H.

And congrats on what you have achieved !

Your personal journey's content maybe isn't important. I mean lets take away its about veganism/health.
He has obviously pent up resentment or insecurity about the changes you have made to yourself and your lifestyle. He doesn't find it attractive or is shook, and has taken that further to belittle you in public.
If you are removing toxicity from your life .. there's one huge lump left.
Enjoy your journey, find the strength from within to take the biggest step.

She was. She was talking about it with her SIL who asked as OP’s facial eczema had cleared up. That’s a huge deal when you’ve hidden because of it.

Her husband took the opportunity to call her a count in front of his family and her MIL laughed.

There’s undertones of unkind to your post.

You know vegans can get coffee, right? And cake? Why compare coffee to “tap water” and cake to “a vegan item”?

OP, you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

You are being mocked by your husband because he wants someone to validate his choices, and he feels abandoned.

I went through a time in my early 30s where I had really awful acne and it impacted my self-esteem so badly. I got very heavily into understanding nutrition and all of this stuff, and changing my diet, starting yoga/exercise, and making other changes 1000000% cleared my skin. I'm an intensely curious person, so I really enjoyed learning about it all and seeing the positive changes was such a huge thing for me.

At the time, I had an awful partner. She loved it when I would eat junk food with her, do what she wanted, and make her feel better for her choices. Yet as soon as I started going in my own direction in terms of approach to diet/lifestyle, she started belittling me. I lost weight, and she told me I was anorexic (I absolutely wasn't - she was morbidly obese and projecting her food issues onto me). I don't even want to go into the list of things, because it's uncomfortable to think about. But basically, she was vile.

I left her and got into a new relationship. This person was super into nutrition and I was gobsmacked to find that she'd just willingly, enthusiastically, talk about all the stuff I'd been researching. She'd learnt about it because she had health issues, and changing her lifestyle had turned things around for her. Although that relationship didn't work out long-term, it showed me that relationships are COMPLETELY about compatibility and respect.

When I was younger, I would bend over backwards just to keep a relationship. I'd abandon myself, my needs, my wants, anything I found joyful, just to be with someone. When, really, the whole entire point of a relationship is to share things together. That's why your husband is so triggered - because he feels left behind and preferred the old version of you. That's because you've changed and he hasn't. And the way he's gone about communicating it is absolutely vile. He's doing that purely because he knows he's going to seem weak if he admits he feels alone/left behind. So instead, he makes you look like the inferior one. In reality, you're moving in different directions.

I think what you've done for yourself sounds absolutely amazing. The fact that he said he'd rather you still have the eczema is absolutely disgusting beyond words.

I don't know your relationship, so I'm trying not to comment on it. But I wouldn't be even in the slightest bit surprised if you find yourself divorcing him. Your whole post screams that you've moved into a new perspective, and he clearly doesn't share it.

Your growth has made him feel small, and he is. He's worried you'll leave him. And you should.

Not only for callig you a cunt but for 'preferring' you with eczema.

In what world is anyone finding eczema more attractive to clear skin? Or lack of energy instead of an abundance of it?

The guy is jealous and scared OP might think she is now too good for him. That’s his issue.

All the best OP. I hope you talking to him yields results. It’s possible that with your low confidence, previously, you allowed him to talk to you anyhow. Call him out on it, every single time. It doesn’t have to be rudely or aggressively. But call him out.

This

This is your husband’s insecurities coming through. He needs to recognise and deal with this or it will only get worse.
You have changed and he is worried you will leave him. Your physical and emotional health has changed and he is not sure where he fits in.
However despite this, it’s not okay what he did. You need to talk to each other.

This is like when someone loses loads of weight and their relationship dynamic changes. He's used to you being meek and anxious, he feels threatened by your confidence. That's not nice.

He should be pleased for you that your eczema has cleared up and you are feeling good in yourself! Partners are meant to be the people who support you and build you up, not tear you down.

So I’ve just felt like I’ve had this newfound confidence
I think this is what it is about. He wants to tear this down.

Look, the OP is happy with her new lifestyle, and why wouldn’t she be? She’s undergone a complete transformation in health, both physical and mental, and looks and has found a way of life that interests her hugely and brings her joy. Her DH, if he can be called that after insulting her so obnoxiously, is no longer on the same page is he? That’s what I meant by him finding her new obsession with her newly discovered life joyless. If she’d found religion would that spark joy in him? If she banged on about cycling, running or golf all day when he had no interest, would that bring joy to their relationship? I’m not alone in wanting common interests in a relationship as evidenced by all the cycling, golf, football widows etc, etc, etc out there. This pair are now on different pages of their lives and have little in common so they’d both be better off finding new partners in my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️ There seems little love, understanding or mutual respect left and neither wants to change, which is absolutely their prerogative but which won’t make for a mutually supportive marriage.

Er, why not? What’s wrong with tap water or vegan food?

So the OP should continue to eat and drink and endure eczema so she doesn’t break the bond with her husband? That’s not kind

That's also not what I said @Panjandrum123 🤔

But when one party in a marriage suddenly changes huge amounts about themselves, it can be really difficult for the other person to cope with.

If you've spent 5-10 years enjoying the same things together and all of a sudden your wife doesn't want to do any of them anymore, that must be quite tough to cope with, even if her reasons for stopping them make perfect sense.

Maybe he thinks they don't have much in common anymore now she's into all this health and wellness stuff and he feels pushed out and a bit left behind. I know if DH suddenly stopped doing loads of the stuff that we bond over, I'd be pretty upset too, as it would mean changing a lot about our relationship and finding new things to bring us together.

Pretty weird that walking the dog and stopping to get ice cream is such a bonding moment for you that it just wouldn't be the same if he didn't get one too. What about if he got a vegan ice cream from the same stall that you got your regular one from? 🤔Would that ruin the bonding moment?

I don't think it's weird at all 🙄 It's something we love doing together and I would be upset if he suddenly wanted to stop doing lots of things we both enjoy together.

It's not about the ice cream - that was just a (clearly rubbish) example. But there are loads of threads on here where posters are upset because their husbands no longer want to travel or go to concerts or go out for meals and they feel that their relationships are failing as they no longer share the interests that brought them together at the beginning.

So following on from your logic, because you are healthy and have no health issues, everyone else is just deluded? I'm glad you're healthy, really I am, but you come across as completely lacking in empathy and capacity to learn.
I suffer from endless mouth ulcers, they are the bane of my life. If I have more than six at a time, eating becomes a total chore that I put off. Foods that trigger ulcers for me include wheat, potatoes, cashews, tomatoes, eggs and yes certain toothpastes. I don't conjure my ulcers up for attention, and if I have a lovely baked potato and salad with friends because there isn't anything else and I don't want to make a fuss, I get three weeks of pain afterwards.
The op sounds like a clever, brave woman who has overcome a serious health condition that nobody who has not had eczema can understand the constant pain, disfigurement and deep relentless itching. Her husband sounds like an insecure, ignorant prat. Counselling might improve their marriage but I imagine she'll move on when she's qualified. Nobody needs that kind of deadweight in their life.

Dump him and come and live in Glastonbury, we're all vegans and alternatives here its a wonderful place to live.
He sounds incredibly disrespectful. I'm sure if he did cycling or golf every weekend you wouldn't be calling him a cunt in front of your mother.

Wow. If my dh spoke to me like that he'd be out the door.

OP,

I think you are amazing to have made such positive changes to your well-being.

What a pity you are married to such a thoroughly nasty man.

You are so young.
He obviously is an insecure little man that cannot bear to see his wife well.

I would imagine with a man so comfortable being so nasty and vulgar in front of his family, this is the tip of the iceberg.

That he would prefer you suffering with such an awful skin condition is one of the nastiest things I have read on here.

I would imagine anxiety would be a part of living with someone so ugly in their personality.

I hope you work.
I hope you hav family support.
I think you should have a long hard look at your life with someone who is so comfortable wishing you unwell.

He is a sorry excuse of a man.

He's right to be insecure.
You deserve and could do much better than him.

OP, I had a friend who met her husband when she was still dealing g with trauma from her past. As she found new ways to deal with that and new interests her marriage broke down. Her husband had always been the one who felt like he was the dominant one, the one who offered support to her, and now she was taking control of her own self and life and growing. He told her he didn’t recognize her either.

he seems to have liked you bring the vulnerable one, the one ‘less’ than him. And now his bitter that you aren’t anymore.

While it is true that people who are evangelical (can't think of a better term, sorry) about something really are often boring as fuck about it and only need the slightest thing to set them off for bloody ages, there is no excuse for what he said. That was done to humiliate you.

Had he spoken privately with you and tactfully said that he is finding it difficult because of the amount of time you spend explaining this thing that may have been different but what he did was just cruel. If anyone's a cunt it's him.

I’m sorry but anyone calling me a Cunt would be kicked to the curb, certainly in a relationship I would not stand for that kind of name calling. Where’s the love and pride and acceptance is that?

What your dh said to you was awful - unkind in the extreme. You are feeling happy and healthy and he should be happy for you about that. However, it does sound as though your life has become a lot more routine-based, possibly to someone who does not buy into it or understand the genuine pleasure you get from it, even ritualistic, fanatical and obsessive. Your happiness apparently coming pretty much entirely from your new obsessions, none of which involve him or have anything whatsoever to do with him, probably make him feel pushed out and irrelevant to you. What connection do you feel to him any more? Because not expecting him to join in with any of your new habits could well feel to him like you really don’t care about him or what he does any more, and that he has become a bit of an unnecessary irrelevance to you, a remnant of your old, unhealthy, rejected lifestyle. He is, basically, feeling insecure.

I know if DH suddenly stopped doing loads of the stuff that we bond over, I'd be pretty upset too, as it would mean changing a lot about our relationship and finding new things to bring us together

But OP hasn't stopped doing stuff that they bond over. She still goes to the pub with him - she just eats and drinks something different now because meat and dairy make her poorly.

It's not like she has refused to go out for meals in favour of staying home and doing yoga or anything. So they don't need to find new things to bring them together, because she's still doing the old things. The idea that because he chooses say a steak from the menu that she has to choose meat as well is just ludicrous.