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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband mocking me, says I’ve changed for the worst

325 replies

redskyatmorning · 23/05/2022 21:04

I have changed over the past few years in a way, yes. I was a meat eater but always fussy, never tried red meat or sea food, was funny with chicken so I decided to go vegetarian a year or so ago, I also cut out cows milk as I thought it was linked to my stomach pains and I couldn’t believe how much better I felt after a couple of months. I felt more energetic and my long term eczema all but went away. I gradually became vegan and got into nutrition, found it all quite interesting. From there I became interested in natural products, skin care etc. I started feeling at one with myself, and was looking and feeling the best I’d ever felt. I became interested in my health and got the family on vitamins and supplements. I even found my anxiety getting better especially after I started doing yoga too. I don’t harp on it all the time I just feel like I discovered a new interest in wellness and it improved my life a lot.

My husband was happy to get vegetarian with me, he offered I never pushed it on him. He didn’t go vegan with me but I never asked him too, I do only cook vegan but he’ll add cheese etc if he wants too, he’ll cook himself eggs. It doesn’t bother me and I don’t comment on it. The only change I’ve really pushed on him was taking vitamins which isn’t bad. He just keeps mocking me, saying I’m going full hippy and soon I’ll be in mandala print trousers and have dreads. Lots of little comments like that. I’m definitely not, at all, even though it wouldn’t be an insult if I had.. I just genuinely haven’t. Im eating healthier and I’ve got into yoga and skincare - big woop.

We were at my in laws over the weekend and they all commented on me being vegan, I just laughed and said I never thought I would either but I feel so good in myself since doing so. Sister in law commented on my skin (always had bad eczema on face) saying how clear it was and was that just from the diet change? I said it’s definitely had an effect, but that I had spent a lot of time looking into natural products and skincare routines and my husband interrupted and said “oh god who put a penny in you” I said she asked about my eczema being better, he just went off in this rant.. I don’t even know who you are anymore, natural this natural that, fucking boring, you’re becoming a complete hippy, gonna find yourself with a spliff soon enough, I’d rather you still have eczema and not be such a boring cunt.. his mum laughed. His sister said don’t call her that and he said I’m joking I’m just pissed you’re not a cunt love but it is fucking boring I stand by that, something along those lines.

I feel really hurt, it’s not like him to swear at me or call me names at all. Also he’s made me feel embarrassed to have these interests and like I need to hide them now.

OP posts:
WisherWood · 24/05/2022 08:19

So I’ve just felt like I’ve had this newfound confidence finally not hating my face. It makes me so happy when people comment and he just seems to get pissed off by it and have to mock me in response.

From this and other things you've said it sounds like he's hideously insecure, at best, and liked having an insecure and unhappy partner. Your lack of confidence was probably the one thing he was confident about and now that's gone.

I'm not sure this problem is going to get better and you're too young, heck, we're all too young, to be saddled with this for the rest of your life. It's not the veganism, or the yoga or the better skin - it's the confidence he doesn't like and that's why he's putting you down. Unless he changes massively, of his own volition, this isn't going to work.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 24/05/2022 08:22

He’s an insecure asshole.

theres no excuse for a husband to call his wife a C word at a dinner table with his mother and sister there. Totally disrespectful. If I was his mother I would be mortified, not entertained by it.

itsinmybag · 24/05/2022 08:24

I can't believe he called you the c word. And his mother just laughed? No wonder the country is a shambles.

Hoppinggreen · 24/05/2022 08:25

He sounds horrible and there is no justification for speaking to you like that.
I have to say though my DH got into health an nutrition during lockdown and now bores everyone about it all day. He sends us all “interesting “ videos by quack so called Doctors on YouTube about obscure supplements and other crap. Our ensuite looks like a branch of bloody Holland and Barrat. I did actually snap the other day and told him he was less boring when he was fat!
I would never call him names though and in public at most I do a bit of eye rolling.

Well done for getting healthier OP, as long as you are not droning on about it and nothing else just be proud of what you have achieved

BellePeppa · 24/05/2022 08:26

ThreeLittleDots · 23/05/2022 21:09

He's a shit and shown his true colours IMO. Love isn't meant to be conditional.

Of course (adult) love is conditional or we’d all be happily married to serial killers and abusers and there’d be no such thing as divorce🤷‍♀️

OP your husband was very disrespectful and plain nasty and even if he found your new interests boring and hippy there are plenty of women who find their husband’s love of golf or model train-sets boring but don’t abuse and humiliate them over it (hopefully). You need a stern word to your husband about respect.

MsEverywhere · 24/05/2022 08:30

That’s what I meant by him finding her new obsession with her newly discovered life joyless. If she’d found religion would that spark joy in him? If she banged on about cycling, running or golf all day when he had no interest, would that bring joy to their relationship?

Actually OP did say her husband goes on happily about golf, which is not her thing, but she is just happy to see him happy. That's what it is like in a healthy happy relationship. You are happy for your partner's happiness.

And anyway, this isn't about the 'thing' that is making OP happy and confident. Its about the fact that she IS happy and confident and he can't cope with that.

Starbeach · 24/05/2022 08:31

He shouldn't call you names end of. And calling you that is just calling for a divorce court!

I know a few vegans though and they all swear blind they don't talk about it when they constantly go on about vegan food, vegan make up, etc. No offence but they are all hypocritical in other ways such as wearing leather/polyester and other synthetic materials. Your probably find your skin better from no dairy rather than the vegan element of your diet.

bananaskinny · 24/05/2022 08:42

Your newfound confidence and appearance has threatened him because he suddenly knows you'll realise your true worth soon and know what a bell-end he is. He's trying to break you before you get there so you don't think of leaving him.

Please keep going with your new healthy lifestyle interest- it takes a lot of commitment to make healthy changes.

youlightupmyday · 24/05/2022 08:45

You have sorted out you physical issues and made huge changes to your life. Now you need to sort out your emotional life so it is compatible with those physical changes.

FrecklesMalone · 24/05/2022 08:49

I'm a right cunt as I'm wearing mandala trousers on my way to yoga. I have however just eaten a cheese sandwich so might be ok.😁
In your husband defence, if he isn't a dick most of the time, when DH became a vegan it was fucking annoying. I did cook for him but got very bored of him talking (not that often) about it. It was a bit sanctimonious and thus annoying.

LowlandLucky · 24/05/2022 08:49

He is jealous and petrified you will run off for a new life. Personally i would be telling him that if he ever disrespected me again i would be ending the relationship there and then.

CallMeNutribullet · 24/05/2022 08:53

aurynne · 23/05/2022 23:53

Grin that's exactly what I intended to do with my post. I wanted people to feel how others feel when a spiritual wellness person talks to them.

Weird as a healthcare professional that you don't know both yoga and mindfulness are recommended by the NHS for a number of mental health and physical conditions.

It doesn't sound like op is trying to convert anyone. It sounds like you're offended that she's actually happier following an alternative lifestyle than she was when she was using steroid cream and antidepressants.

DefiniteTortoise · 24/05/2022 09:14

As a vegan ( 😁couldn't resist, sorry), I find I mention the fact either when looking for a place to eat (ie it's relevant) or when other people ask me about it, because they've heard through the grapevine that I am one. The frustrating thing is that if I then chat to them about it, I have to be so wary about the time frame alloted to the topic (10 min max) because of the risk of them deciding I'm boring them on a topic they asked about. It's wearisome but there you go. I make an effort to not mention the topic outside the above scenarios for this reason.

Your DH was horrible to you OP. My DH is not vegan and has his faults, but has always been fair and reasonable about my dietary choices, as I try to be about his. You deserve no less.

WorriedWoking · 24/05/2022 09:14

Has the word ‘offended’ taken on a new meaning of late? To use this post as an example, I’m certainly offended by the use of ‘cunt’ to insult someone, in this case the man’s partner, but I’m definitely not offended by the fact that she’s begun living according to the demands of her new lifestyle.

Has ‘offended’ become shorthand for people disagreeing with one another? Has telling other people that they are ‘offended’ replaced telling them that they are in disagreement?

aurynne · 24/05/2022 09:19

CallMeNutribullet · 24/05/2022 08:53

Weird as a healthcare professional that you don't know both yoga and mindfulness are recommended by the NHS for a number of mental health and physical conditions.

It doesn't sound like op is trying to convert anyone. It sounds like you're offended that she's actually happier following an alternative lifestyle than she was when she was using steroid cream and antidepressants.

I'm "offended"?... Have you actually read the rest of my post?

KingofLoss · 24/05/2022 09:21

He has contempt for you. Biggest killer of a relationship.

Let him go OP and find someone who doesn't deep down hate and disrespect you.

If my husband came to me and said that he's bored of hearing about my latest interest and could I keep it to myself a bit more, fine. I'm sure it'd be a bit hurtful to hear but it would be fine. If he publicly humiliated me in front of family and said 'who put a penny in you' I honestly don't think I could come back from that. Most people can get a bit vicious in rows and arguments privately during hard times, but to talk to you like that in front of family (he's trying to get them on his side and join in with ridiculing you) is appalling and says so much about how he feels about you truly.

MRex · 24/05/2022 09:27

redskyatmorning · 23/05/2022 23:12

A lifestyle that cleared up a chronic condition I’ve struggled with for years, massively helped my mental health as a result and makes me happy sounds joyless?

Basically what @WorriedWoking said. You are living a very different lifestyle now, and it makes you happy, but you have dropped interests outside yourself and don't sound like you've picked anything else up. There should be more to a healthy life than thinking only about your own skin and body, there's a whole world out there and it's clear that you've grown apart from your "D"H. If you're happy to stay like you are and don't have children then it's time to separate and forge your own path; if you do have children then counselling may be useful, as well as starting up other interests to be a bit more rounded.

MRex · 24/05/2022 09:34

@DefiniteTortoise I have to be so wary about the time frame alloted to the topic (10 min max) because of the risk of them deciding I'm boring them on a topic they asked about.

You're being a bit precious here. Nobody wants to be talked at for 10 minutes about ANYTHING. It really doesn't matter if the topic is veganism, cycling or travel; answer a question and add a small snippet. Then leave it unless you are asked more questions. Conversation should be two-way, with both people's voices being heard and a range of topics.

Branleuse · 24/05/2022 09:42

I think all the things youve discovered sound really beneficial, positive and interesting. It sounds like youve really found yourself.
The fact your husband mocks you for it, holds you in contempt is really sad. Like he wants to bring you down. He even said he would rather you still had eczema!! Thats how much goodwill he has towards you.
I think you can do a lot better than him. I think you should seriously think about whether this is the energy that you want in your life.
I dont think anything you are doing is particularly niche. Loads of people are into those things. He mocked them too.
If you did get mandala pants and dreads etc then so fucking what?
I think youve outgrown him and he hates you for it, or has no respect for you at best.
You deserve to explore all these things with positivity and not have to feel embarassed.

madamemeow · 24/05/2022 09:47

The amount of posts assuming bad of OP just because she became healthier and then actually defending that abusive a$$hole of a husband (as if going vegan justified being spoken to this way, by your own family, in public) is simply awful. Constant negging and mocking is abu$e.

Few years after marriage I gave up gluten dairy white sugar, to address some chronic medical issues I had. Obviously, my husband didn't divorce me because of this, nor did he sneer or mock me for choosing to make positive changes in my life. He was my biggest champion. We talked about it and worked around it - like how we did when he wanted to give up a high paying job for a less paying one, and move to the suburbs... isn't this how a marriage works?

I never asked him to change his diet for me, but some things I cooked for myself, he sampled and enjoyed them, since anyway the taste remained the same (for eg, using vegan yogurt instead of greek, for tenderising chicken). When we want to go out, we research and pick restaurants that cater for both our dietary choices. If he has bread, I will choose rice. If he has ice cream, I will have a sorbet. It's so easy to work with this with a little forethought and homework.

My husband never gave up on the stuff I gave up (nor did I want him to), he enjoys mcdonalds too much for it but not even once did he criticize my choice; in fact he also learned a lot about the GF-DF-WS lifestyle. Even when I slip up, he'd call the waiter, ask for what kind of sugar is in the otherwise gluten-free, dairy-free dessert and says, "Wait, this was made with brown sugar which basically has the same GI index as white sugar. I will have this, but can you pls make this same pudding with honey or stevia, for my wife?"

This is how people committed in marriage treat each other. With kindness and decency.

OP, congrats on achieving positive things in your like. I hope you also understand that your marriage is as good as over unless you go back to being the sad, insecure, weak person you were before. That's the person your husband married and he will not tolerate the new you, he will keep becoming nastier and nastier because the new you doesn't serve the original purpose for which he married you, whatever it is.

And the way he talked to you in front of his mother, it's INEXCUSABLE. When a spouse starts humiliating you in front of others, it's as good as over. The ball is now in your court - you need to decide whether you deserve better than this, or if you are going to "tolerate" everything for the sake of your kids, lifestyle, whatever.

Sorry if I sound all gloom and doom, but really, anybody - least of all, your husband - who is not happy for you when you are happy, is not good for you.
Marital therapy, if you find the right therapist and can afford it, MIGHT help but ime men like your husband do not change for the better. It's too much hard work for them. They prefer to burn bridges or stay in the same rut, than change.

madamemeow · 24/05/2022 09:53

MRex · 24/05/2022 09:27

Basically what @WorriedWoking said. You are living a very different lifestyle now, and it makes you happy, but you have dropped interests outside yourself and don't sound like you've picked anything else up. There should be more to a healthy life than thinking only about your own skin and body, there's a whole world out there and it's clear that you've grown apart from your "D"H. If you're happy to stay like you are and don't have children then it's time to separate and forge your own path; if you do have children then counselling may be useful, as well as starting up other interests to be a bit more rounded.

"There should be more to a healthy life than thinking only about your own skin and body"

Like what? What more should be there for a healthy life? Genuine question.

I'd never assume that OP is thinking only about her own skin and body, and neglecting to consider or care for the health of her family/kids.

billy1966 · 24/05/2022 09:55

To use that word in front of his family to you?

MN is a real eye opener to the lives others lead.

His family must be the dregs as is he, to find his use of that word to describe you funny.

In your situation I could absolutely imagine my love disappearing as if a switch had been turned off.

How do people ever look at that person the same way?

The OP sounds no nice.

Far too nice for the scum she married, and his mother who dragged him up.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 24/05/2022 09:58

"There should be more to a healthy life than thinking only about your own skin and body"

Like what? What more should be there for a healthy life? Genuine question.

Really? Loads of things are equally (or more) important than looking after your body and skin!

A good work/life balance
Healthy relationships with others
Hobbies you enjoy
Mutual interests with other people
A job or interest you love

KarenLovesRosario · 24/05/2022 10:04

HikingforScenery · 24/05/2022 07:25

You know vegans can get coffee, right? And cake? Why compare coffee to “tap water” and cake to “a vegan item”?

You did make me laugh @HikingforScenery
I can just imagine the conversation when she got home
"Well it going ok until she announced she was getting a 'vegan item' spoilt the whole day"

KittyWithoutAName · 24/05/2022 10:06

A good work/life balance
Healthy relationships with others
Hobbies you enjoy
Mutual interests with other people
*A job or interest you love"

Why are you assuming that just because OP has started doing yoga, taking vitamins, not eating meat and dairy, and is looking after her skin, that this means she has none of the above things you listed?

She's hardly going to list all the other things her DH doesn't care about her doing/being interested in, because they aren't the issue.

Besides, all those things are important, yes, but if you've really struggled with self-confidence due to you skin issues and you've found a way to resolve that, it can only be a positive thing for you.

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