Husband mocking me, says I’ve changed for the worst

[redskyatmorning]

I have changed over the past few years in a way, yes. I was a meat eater but always fussy, never tried red meat or sea food, was funny with chicken so I decided to go vegetarian a year or so ago, I also cut out cows milk as I thought it was linked to my stomach pains and I couldn’t believe how much better I felt after a couple of months. I felt more energetic and my long term eczema all but went away. I gradually became vegan and got into nutrition, found it all quite interesting. From there I became interested in natural products, skin care etc. I started feeling at one with myself, and was looking and feeling the best I’d ever felt. I became interested in my health and got the family on vitamins and supplements. I even found my anxiety getting better especially after I started doing yoga too. I don’t harp on it all the time I just feel like I discovered a new interest in wellness and it improved my life a lot.

My husband was happy to get vegetarian with me, he offered I never pushed it on him. He didn’t go vegan with me but I never asked him too, I do only cook vegan but he’ll add cheese etc if he wants too, he’ll cook himself eggs. It doesn’t bother me and I don’t comment on it. The only change I’ve really pushed on him was taking vitamins which isn’t bad. He just keeps mocking me, saying I’m going full hippy and soon I’ll be in mandala print trousers and have dreads. Lots of little comments like that. I’m definitely not, at all, even though it wouldn’t be an insult if I had.. I just genuinely haven’t. Im eating healthier and I’ve got into yoga and skincare - big woop.

We were at my in laws over the weekend and they all commented on me being vegan, I just laughed and said I never thought I would either but I feel so good in myself since doing so. Sister in law commented on my skin (always had bad eczema on face) saying how clear it was and was that just from the diet change? I said it’s definitely had an effect, but that I had spent a lot of time looking into natural products and skincare routines and my husband interrupted and said “oh god who put a penny in you” I said she asked about my eczema being better, he just went off in this rant.. I don’t even know who you are anymore, natural this natural that, fucking boring, you’re becoming a complete hippy, gonna find yourself with a spliff soon enough, I’d rather you still have eczema and not be such a boring cunt.. his mum laughed. His sister said don’t call her that and he said I’m joking I’m just pissed you’re not a cunt love but it is fucking boring I stand by that, something along those lines.

I feel really hurt, it’s not like him to swear at me or call me names at all. Also he’s made me feel embarrassed to have these interests and like I need to hide them now.

I enjoy doing things as a couple or with friends, but if I wanted a coffee, for example, and they only wanted tap water or if I wanted a piece of cake, but they wanted a vegan item, it’d change the dynamic for me, an

I don't really understand this. I drink alcohol and coffee, my partner does not. We go out for lunch, I get coffee, he gets water or juice or a smoothie. We go out for dinner, I drink alcoholic drinks and he drinks mocktails etc. Why would ordering cake and someone else choosing the vegan option be an issue? It literally doesn't have any impact on your choice to sit there and eat cake. That's truly baffling.

Likewise, partner doesn't eat pork, I do. He's not going to have an issue with me ordering pork at the restaurant and I'm not going to have an issue with him not ordering pork. I just don't understand how it could possibly bother anyone.

Okay but how does those things qualify as "not thinking only about your own skin and body"?

Good work life balance, hobbies and interests etc etc - these are also my goals but I'm not doing it for charity or altruistic reasons. I do it for my own skin and body (health), not for other people's skin and body (health). Who else is going to do it for me? No one.

Also the assumption that OP does not do all these, and is ONLY focusing on eating right... pffff.

If eczema has historically prevented me from having a better/fulfilled life, finding a lifestyle that cured it and enabled me to lead a better/fulfilled life is NOT equal to being judged as "you need to do more than eating right to cure a chronic problem that has plagued you most of your life". Ffs.

It sounds like he can't be happy for you which is concerning. It's almost like your newfound confidence and interest is making him feel jealous/insecure. That's his problem though and he's handling it all wrong. I'd be very unhappy about this and wouldn't want to let it slide (and I'm quite laid back generally).

I enjoy doing things as a couple or with friends, but if I wanted a coffee, for example, and they only wanted tap water or if I wanted a piece of cake, but they wanted a vegan item, it’d change the dynamic for me, and I suspect for many others

Part of the fun when I go out with my DH is that we'll order, say, a big plate of roast and share a bottle of wine, or we'll stop and get ice creams while walking the dog - the fact that we're doing the same thing together is a real bonding moment for us.
If we went to the pub and he suddenly started ordering salads and drinking mineral water, the experience would be very different. Similarly if we stopped for ice cream and he didn't have anything or just had water - it just wouldn't be the same.

I don't understand this way of thinking. Is it the fact you feel the other person isn't having a good as time because they don't have the icecream/coffee/wine/cake? What if they have an allergy to those items and alternatives aren't available at the icecream van for example? You wouldn't expect them to have the item and then suffer would you? The OP was suffering with her previous lifestyle, and as a fellow eczema suffer I know the pain when it is really bad. I wish I had the same strength of character as her to give up those items and it help. But my eczema isn't too bad, it's under control so there is no drive there for me to do it.
Your 'd'h is being cruel and unkind with his comments. I do think you both need to sit down and talk about is calmly and find out what he is afraid of, as that's what it feels like to me. He might think your next step is a new partner who shares your goals.

Also he's making himself sound really thick by referring to this dated stereotype that all veggies/vegans are tree-hugger types who will eventually become a hippy and wear certain clothes! Next he will be saying all muslims are terrorists...thick as sh*t

I don't understand this way of thinking. Is it the fact you feel the other person isn't having a good as time because they don't have the icecream/coffee/wine/cake?

No. It's because part of the experience is sharing that slice of cake or bottle of wine and enjoying the same thing together.

What if they have an allergy to those items and alternatives aren't available at the icecream van for example? You wouldn't expect them to have the item and then suffer would you?

Of course not 🙄 but then you'd find a different shared activity to do together d
Instead.

I really don't think it's that unusual for relationships to initially be based on shared hobbies and interests, and it's really not that weird to be upset with your partner no longer enjoys the same things as you do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree with everyone else saying that he seems unhappy and insecure that you are feeling happy and confident. The jealous dig about wearing makeup for other men compounds it. He’s trying to hide it by making out that it’s simply that you’ve become a boring health nut but you know that that just isn’t true. This is his issue, not yours. It’s really disgusting behaviour, OP, so don’t let him minimise this. He’s trying to tear you down and make you feel just that little bit shitter about yourself so that in turn he feels better. Unacceptable from a partner.

@coffeecupsandfairylights I agree it isn't weird to be upset by it and feel a bit fed up about it. But as an adult you address it maturely and eventually deal with it (decide to leave or live with it and adapt). My DH stopped drinking several years ago and I've had to accept it as it isn't a deal breaker for me (for others it might be).

What OP's DH is doing is trying to shame her out of her life changes and act like a spoilt kid to embarrass her. This isn't ok and is bordering on controlling.

I do stop for breath occasionally and allow questions during the 10 minute slot, I assure you 😂

OP, it sounds to me as though you have elevated yourself physically, mentally and ethically, and good for you!
Unfortunately this can make other people feel bad about their own choices by comparison. They never admit to it, they just do the childish 'well i wouldn't want to be like you anyway, its BORING!' When the truth is, if someone does something you genuinely find boring, it doesn't usually trigger an emotional response, you just ignore it and let them get on with it. The nastiness and criticism is usually a sign they feel defensive.
In your Hs case he is probably also feeling a bit shaken by the change in you and your improved appearance and confidence, and possibly wonders where it will end, and if its a threat to the relationship.
There is no excuse for him speaking to you that way though, and I wouldn't tolerate it.

Having interest in other things and people outside yourself isn't as niche as you seem to think. Being absorbed with only yourself is fine and a valid option; I was just highlighting that it's tedious for others whose interests include themselves, their families, their friends, strangers, animals, world affairs, sports, music, films, art, crafts, theme parks, even the weather! Fixed interest types are boring to anyone who isn't also obsessed by those same niche interests.

I agree and I've never once said his behaviour is acceptable.

But I really don't think it's that weird to be upset when your partner does a complete 180 and suddenly decides to stop doing stuff they previously loved.

I know in OP's case it's improved her health and I'm not for one minute saying she should stop, but equally he's allowed to feel upset and that they're no longer compatible.

I mean, imagine it was the other way around - you were vegan, your DH was vegan and you raised your kids vegan and to be into sports and fitness, and one day your husband decides they now want to cook burgers and steaks everyday and to start going to the pub.

It's a huge lifestyle change and it wouldn't be unreasonable to get upset about it.

I really don’t get some of the assumptions posters are making, assuming that the OP must be going on about her veganism just because vegans who they know do this.
The OP didn’t make the change for moral or environmental reasons and isn’t trying to convert anyone.

She’s doing it to improve her health and it’s worked, her eczema has cleared up!
So surely her DH shouldn’t be pleased about that, the fact that he would rather she still had eczema speaks volumes.

I’ve had to change my diet as I’ve developed a dairy intolerance due to having long Covid. There are therefore a lot of meals I can’t order at restaurants. I sometimes end up selecting the vegan option. But my health has improved as a result and my DH thoroughly supports me in the changes I’ve made, which is what the OP’s DH should be doing surely???

The trickiest part about being vegan is navigating offended nonvegans who bring the topic up (usually when you're out to eat and they notice what you've ordered or they see you use soy milk at work in a tea or something), say a whole host of crass or childish things, expect you to laugh along with someone mocking your belief system, and then use you as an example of a militant vegan who can't take a joke or can't stop banging on about it.

I have literally never told anyone outright I'm vegan other than a partner in the early stages of dating when deciding on restaurants to eat, and a few friends when I first went vegan. Often in the presence of 'jokes' about vegans because people don't know I am one.
People are exhausting. It's the staggering lack of intelligence people possess when complaining about how all vegans are loud about it, not able to connect the dots and understand that they will know plenty of quieter vegans too who haven't mentioned it so they presume all are outspoken (and good for them for being outspoken, btw, I'm behind them 100%).

Er, you’re saying the OP has ‘elevated [herself] physically, mentally and ethically’? Has she? So you think she’s now on a higher plane and, therefore, better than her husband? Crikey! And people wonder why vegans aren’t universally admired 🤣 I’m not ‘offended’ by your assertion that some humans have acquired, what? A Godlike status? and are now operating in a more rarified and special atmosphere than the rest of us mere mortals, but I’m mightily amused by your opinion and unsure that it does single interest folk anything but a disservice.

Ok, ok, I’ll just have to accept that I’m not special enough won’t I? Especially now another poster has explained that the moral high ground has been claimed 😆 As one of the non chosen people, I love having friends who have some interests in common with me. Just call me strange. I promise not to be offended, truly I do 😁 We’re all different, but some of us take self righteousness too far …

Ok, message received. Only vegans are intelligent. I’ll hand that PhD back forthwith shall I?

She’s doing it to improve her health and it’s worked, her eczema has cleared up!So surely her DH shouldn’t be pleased about that, the fact that he would rather she still had eczema speaks volumes.

I suspect he doesn't really wish she still had eczema, more that he's upset about what her lifestyle changes have done to their relationship.

Why is it self righteous for someone not to drink?! I drink but I don't care if others do. Sounds like you have some issues to explore. Ditto to the person who called the OPs life joyless. Yoga is great! I have a Peloton and cycle most of the time for exercise. I'm inflexible and not spiritual at all but yoga does make you feel fantastic.

I'm so pleased for you OP that you've cured your issues through diet and lifestyle. Now time to cut out one more thing...the oaf you married!

@redskyatmorning you said you are retraining. What's your new career? It's just that I know a few people who have retrained in things like mental health professions, nursing, social work and it has caused issues in their relationships.
When people make big life changes it really can make them reassess everything else in their life especially if they're learning more about themselves in the process. This could be part of it too.

But, none of the speculation or explanations for your husband's insecurity makes it ok for him to treat you the way he has. By all means recognise his perspective if you want to, be sensitive to his feelings but this goes alongside with an absolute zero tolerance on his bullying, shitty behaviour.

You don't deserve it and your kids shouldn't see someone belittling you. As for his mother, she can wind her fucking neck in too!

Just an expression that's in fairly common usage, as in 'elevate one's look'. Improved herself if you prefer. She states she looks better and feels better and she is making ethically better choices. The comparison being with her former self, not with other people. But your reaction is a good example of the responses I'm talking about when people do work on their health and wellbeing. Defensive, and then trying to belittle with the 'single interest folk' type comment. When surprisingly, its entirely possible to have a full, active life with multiple interests AND choose lentils over spam.

He also complained about her not drinking alcohol anymore, saying that she had become ‘boring’ because of it. It isn’t just about the vegan diet, or that she’s going on about it.

He also doesn’t like the fact that she’s being complimented about the improvements in her health/appearance, and mocks her as a result. Which suggests to me that it’s probably more the case that he’s feeling threatened by it.

Completely agree with this. I honestly go out of my way to not tell people I'm a vegan. Lots of people on this thread who say that "all vegans are judgemental or superior", and I've had that accusation thrown at me, but I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I simply do not care what other people eat. When people twig that I'm vegan (usually after months of me subtly skirting around the topic tbh) people ask me why. I tell them the truth; I just don't feel comfortable with animal products personally and it's been the same ever since I was a child, it's just one of my quirks I suppose.

People then fall into one of two camps; the ones who reply "oh right, fair enough" and we carry on our friendship happily and it usually never ever comes up again. I assume that these people are confident in who they are and in their dietary choices - and good for them.

But then there's the ones who inexplicably decide take my choices as a personal attack. Immediately they start arguing with me, trying to "debate" me. My usual tactic here is to pull the ditzy card. So when they make some sort of nonsense argument at me, for example "but, but, that will mean the cows will go extinct!!1!" I say something like "oh yeah maybe, oh dear, that's a sad thought, I'm afraid I just don't like animal products though". But it's never enough - these people always insist I'm judging them. I cannot emphasise it enough to them, I do not care what you eat!! They still end up angry with me. It's a bloody nightmare. I can only assume that people who get so upset by other people's dietary choices aren't very confident in their own choices.