Husband mocking me, says I’ve changed for the worst

[redskyatmorning]

I have changed over the past few years in a way, yes. I was a meat eater but always fussy, never tried red meat or sea food, was funny with chicken so I decided to go vegetarian a year or so ago, I also cut out cows milk as I thought it was linked to my stomach pains and I couldn’t believe how much better I felt after a couple of months. I felt more energetic and my long term eczema all but went away. I gradually became vegan and got into nutrition, found it all quite interesting. From there I became interested in natural products, skin care etc. I started feeling at one with myself, and was looking and feeling the best I’d ever felt. I became interested in my health and got the family on vitamins and supplements. I even found my anxiety getting better especially after I started doing yoga too. I don’t harp on it all the time I just feel like I discovered a new interest in wellness and it improved my life a lot.

My husband was happy to get vegetarian with me, he offered I never pushed it on him. He didn’t go vegan with me but I never asked him too, I do only cook vegan but he’ll add cheese etc if he wants too, he’ll cook himself eggs. It doesn’t bother me and I don’t comment on it. The only change I’ve really pushed on him was taking vitamins which isn’t bad. He just keeps mocking me, saying I’m going full hippy and soon I’ll be in mandala print trousers and have dreads. Lots of little comments like that. I’m definitely not, at all, even though it wouldn’t be an insult if I had.. I just genuinely haven’t. Im eating healthier and I’ve got into yoga and skincare - big woop.

We were at my in laws over the weekend and they all commented on me being vegan, I just laughed and said I never thought I would either but I feel so good in myself since doing so. Sister in law commented on my skin (always had bad eczema on face) saying how clear it was and was that just from the diet change? I said it’s definitely had an effect, but that I had spent a lot of time looking into natural products and skincare routines and my husband interrupted and said “oh god who put a penny in you” I said she asked about my eczema being better, he just went off in this rant.. I don’t even know who you are anymore, natural this natural that, fucking boring, you’re becoming a complete hippy, gonna find yourself with a spliff soon enough, I’d rather you still have eczema and not be such a boring cunt.. his mum laughed. His sister said don’t call her that and he said I’m joking I’m just pissed you’re not a cunt love but it is fucking boring I stand by that, something along those lines.

I feel really hurt, it’s not like him to swear at me or call me names at all. Also he’s made me feel embarrassed to have these interests and like I need to hide them now.

This is key.
This is the elephant in the room, because to say just this would expose so much.

‘He really doesn’t like that I’ve stopped drinking and calls me boring almost every time he has a drink now. I’d forgotten to mention that.’

Your SIL complemented you, praised you, treated you with friendly respect & took an interest in you. He cannot have that, it feels annihilating to him so he lashes out at you. Being ‘pissed’ just removed his inhibitions & he knew that he’d gone too far. I assume that your MiL likes a drink as well & chimed in to swell the ranks. I’ll take a punt that your SIL is not a heavy drinker or even dislikes how booze affects the ‘family vibe’ because she was quick witted (or sober enough) to cover you when your H insulted you

There have been MN posts before about the affect on dynamics in relationships where one partner stops drinking for whatever or any number of reasons.

Well done you for making changes to boost your wellbeing & particularly for transforming your eczema.

So he’d rather that you suffer the pain & discomfort of eczema rather than accept your transformation & maybe consider following your lead to his own wellbeing?

Major ick time?

I think it’s amazing that you’ve found a way to relieve your eczema and to feel great!

Not boring or joyless at all.

It sounds to me like he preferred the less secure version of you. That’s very sad but not your fault.

Congratulations, OP, on finding the solution for your health problems. I think that is wonderful. My dd had gastritis and cured herself by paying attention to what hurt and did not hurt her stomach. The people saying that only pharmaceutical remedies should be used are nuts.

I can't help thinking that he's scared! Scared that you're now looking and feeling so good about yourself, that you'll go off with another guy. You do see this with men whose wives manage to lose a lot of weight, but instead of praising them and encouraging them, they tell them how awful they look now they're skinny, and stuff like that, but underneath it all, it's often the case that they've let themselves go, and haven't got the strength of mind/character to do something about it, hence they feel threatened.

As for the name he called you, my DH would be out the door if he EVER called me that, as he knows it's a word that I absolutely hate, he therefore respects me by not using it within my hearing, and wouldn't dream of calling me such a dreadful name. I'd be seriously considering if I had a future with such a horrible man. Go and find yourself someone who appreciates your new found confidence, and beautiful complexion.

I was using a toothpaste prescribed by my dentist and for months was getting sore, dry, tight throat to the point where I went to the doctor and got referred. Long story short all was fine but realised the lauryl sulphate was irritating my throat and was fine once I switched toothpaste (dentist suggested a different one) so don’t let him gaslight you over that.

So many bizarre responses here. In sickness and health. He’s not happy about the health part. Apparently plenty of people believe we owe it to our partners to stay unhealthy if it might make them uncomfortable. What would these posters say to someone who had their doctor tell to stop drinking, eat differently and start exercising? That’s all OP has done.

Well I think you should get rid of that final twelve stone of meat from your life.

I think this is dhere you hit the nail on tje head. Your husband appears to be insecure and doesn't like his ugly duckling wife turning into a swan. The thing is you are a swan and should fly. Don't let him weigh you down. Do what you're doing and if he won't support you; sod hiim. At 29 you have your whole life ahead of you so enjoy it. With or without him.

He acted really hard done by about why I needed it, I’m already married who am I trying to impress.

Your neanderthal husband is insecure and trying to undermine your confidence.

And you've stopped drinking too. He can't stand it and thinks you are no longer willing to live within his comfort zone.

So he’d rather that you suffer the pain & discomfort of eczema rather than accept your transformation & maybe consider following your lead to his own wellbeing
THIS ^^

You should put up with looking and feeling 'less than' so that he won't feel bad about himself?

Do not put up with any more of this nonsense. You are right and he is as wrong as wrong can be here.

Glad your SIL stood up for you.

He is bang out of order for speaking to you like that.

My first reaction is that he's feeling insecure. You're clearly looking and feeling better and that might worry him that you'll outgrow him and go off with someone else.

This does not mean to start changing yourself back to how you were as you're clearly happier and living a more rich and fulfilled life. And good on you for doing so!

How does it sound 'joyless' when she's so much happier and content with herself...?? 🤔

He sounds jealous that you have found an inner confidence and you look better and are taking care of yourself. You should have told him to f off and walked out and went home, how dare he talk to you like that ever. I would not be talking to him for a long time and unless he apologized he could piss off for good. I don't have dairy or gluten and it helps keeps my psoriasis at bay and also helps with digestion issues I had and if I have dairy now I am physically ill and if have gluten come out in all marks and scratches on my back which is due to gluten intolerance. Keep doing you and your interests and re think your relationship as he has shown no respect to you and in front of his family is just awful and so disrespecful.

How can the person above say her lifestyle sounds joyless, just because she has no meat, you need to cop on for judging someone on what they do or do not eat. Red meat and the blood makes me feel sick so cannot eat it.

Unfortunately we cannot judge whether or not we're droning on about a subject, because when we do it we don't notice. Every single person I know who is obsessed with a subject and goes on and on about it is not aware they are doing it, and will strongly deny doing it if challenged.

He sounds intolerably boring himself if he bases his personality around eating meat and drinking booze and what fucking brand of toothpaste he uses.

And regardless of anything else, the abusive language and mockery he’s using makes him hateful, aggressive and toxic. Pretty unforgivable.

@aurynne
That's really not true though.

Perhaps some people are unaware but some people are aware but deny it when challenged because they want to keep talking and love the sound of their own voice.

but other people are very much aware of what they say and how much they're talking etc. It's certainly not the case that everyone just loses control of how much they're talking and has some kind of amnesia where they can't remember how conversations went or if they dominated a conversation talking about their chosen subject!

Her DH clearly has an issue with this, more than likely he's just getting irritated every time he hears her mentioning stuff in every day life like "I'm heading off to my yoga class now" in the same way as someone would say they're going to the gym or to the shops and he's getting annoyed because he is annoyed by her changes in the first place, or he's putting his cheese on the vegan food the OP makes...or he sees her taking her vitamins...and all these little things annoy him and so in his head he makes out she's constantly doing annoying stuff ....just like when he walked in on her reading the ingredients of the toothpaste, he was instantly irritated by her.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in marriage:

Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling

He is showing contempt for you as well as criticism.

I remember when I first became a vegetarian, over 30 years ago, that some people (ie some men) would become very defensive and could get nasty. As though my choices somehow were reflecting negatively on them and their choices. Like you, I wasn't particularly zealous or vocal about it or ever particularly raised it. Luckily DH wasn't bothered. Doesn't happen anymore as vegetarianism seems to be old hat now. Wonder OP if this is where your DH is coming from?

In recent years I have also swapped to more natural products and toiletries and it made a massive difference to me and how I look and feel

What an arse.
You quite often get couples splitting up when one gets more healthy/loses weight/stops drinking etc.
Some people want us in a particular box and they don't like it if we don't stay in it.
Friendships break up a lot for the same reasons.
The people that stay together are the ones that accept that we all change.
Saying he's rather you have bad skin again is a bit sick really he should be happy for you.
There's no excuse for him speaking to you like that at all. He obviously doesn't like you healthy and confident and happy.
Sorry but that's a big red flag

I'm so shocked at the amount of people basically defending him! Honestly interested that veganism is so triggering for so many people, I'm not vegan but not bothered by vegans, I think it's a guilt thing. He's bullying you and humiliated you infront of his family. That comment about who put a penny in you is really sneery and horrible.

To be honest OP I think you've changed the dynamic between you by becoming more happy, healthy and confident. It's abusive the way he is putting you down about this.

Totally agree with this - I think he preferred you with eczema, not liking how you looked and felt and feeling less confident. Only you will know the answer to this but maybe you didn't have much to say for yourself before and now you have a new found confidence.
About MIL maybe she laughed out of embarrassment- it's really awkward (understatement) when your family argue like that in front of you.

Very well done to you 👏

You've grown into a different person and he's threatened by your growth.

I imagine you'll grow further apart and get sick of him and go your separate ways. Your choice is do you do it sooner or when the kids have left home.

Well done re. the eczema - your absolutely ghastly husband is ignorant, cruel and destructive. Diet is the cure for the condition and for withdrawing from steroid creams. There are books about it and it is a very hard journey. Can't believe you live with someone like you have described. Start shouting and screaming at him all and every time he makes the ''wrong'' comments/any comments. LTB.