Husband mocking me, says I’ve changed for the worst

[redskyatmorning]

I have changed over the past few years in a way, yes. I was a meat eater but always fussy, never tried red meat or sea food, was funny with chicken so I decided to go vegetarian a year or so ago, I also cut out cows milk as I thought it was linked to my stomach pains and I couldn’t believe how much better I felt after a couple of months. I felt more energetic and my long term eczema all but went away. I gradually became vegan and got into nutrition, found it all quite interesting. From there I became interested in natural products, skin care etc. I started feeling at one with myself, and was looking and feeling the best I’d ever felt. I became interested in my health and got the family on vitamins and supplements. I even found my anxiety getting better especially after I started doing yoga too. I don’t harp on it all the time I just feel like I discovered a new interest in wellness and it improved my life a lot.

My husband was happy to get vegetarian with me, he offered I never pushed it on him. He didn’t go vegan with me but I never asked him too, I do only cook vegan but he’ll add cheese etc if he wants too, he’ll cook himself eggs. It doesn’t bother me and I don’t comment on it. The only change I’ve really pushed on him was taking vitamins which isn’t bad. He just keeps mocking me, saying I’m going full hippy and soon I’ll be in mandala print trousers and have dreads. Lots of little comments like that. I’m definitely not, at all, even though it wouldn’t be an insult if I had.. I just genuinely haven’t. Im eating healthier and I’ve got into yoga and skincare - big woop.

We were at my in laws over the weekend and they all commented on me being vegan, I just laughed and said I never thought I would either but I feel so good in myself since doing so. Sister in law commented on my skin (always had bad eczema on face) saying how clear it was and was that just from the diet change? I said it’s definitely had an effect, but that I had spent a lot of time looking into natural products and skincare routines and my husband interrupted and said “oh god who put a penny in you” I said she asked about my eczema being better, he just went off in this rant.. I don’t even know who you are anymore, natural this natural that, fucking boring, you’re becoming a complete hippy, gonna find yourself with a spliff soon enough, I’d rather you still have eczema and not be such a boring cunt.. his mum laughed. His sister said don’t call her that and he said I’m joking I’m just pissed you’re not a cunt love but it is fucking boring I stand by that, something along those lines.

I feel really hurt, it’s not like him to swear at me or call me names at all. Also he’s made me feel embarrassed to have these interests and like I need to hide them now.

it sounds like you've done amazingly well to improve your own wellbeing. Congratulations on sorting your eczema and being consistent with it. It's hard when you have to give up some foods/drink that you would have previously enjoyed.

Seems to me, your DH is jealous of your new 'look' and is seeing all the compliments you are receiving, as a threat. Similar to women who have lost weight; some partners get really shitty about it and rather than talk about their issue, they accuse the now slim partner of doing it for other people/to have an affair. Could your DH be thinking along these lines? Is it a conversation you'd be prepared to have with him, after calling you names/boring?

As for calling you a cunt; that is absolutely out of order. I think I'd've throat punched him 😂 there and then and walked out! So very rude.

An elevated look refers to enhancing something to 'lift' it. So for example, if you were wearing a plain black dress to the office, but didn't want to change to go out in the evening, you might add some jewelry or dressy shoes to 'elevate' the same dress it to evening wear.
Extrapolating this to general appearance, you might feel that getting a new haircut, wearing make up or losing weight 'elevates' your overall appearance.
(And before you accuse me of making up that you work in an office, wear make up or need to lose weight, note that where I say 'you' I don't mean you personally, I mean 'one')
Its nothing to do with looking down on others as I already explained, it's lifting yourself by comparison with where you were.

Grow up. No, he doesn’t have a point.

Calling your partner a cunt and especially in front of other people is never acceptable unless you have exceptionally low standards?

Stopping going for meals or concerts or walking the dog together entirely or whatever it is is a completely different story and causes issues because the people are no longer spending time together, making time for dates or planning fun things to look forward to.

Most of the time on those threads the other person just isn't arsed to make the effort anymore or they're tired and don't want to.

It's not a case of someone becoming vegan (or similar) and then suddenly stopping doing lots of things.

It IS weird to be upset over that.

For most people the experience of sitting in a restaurant enjoying time together is the bonding experience. It does not matter one single bit what the other person eats or not.

And if for example they are like you and like to share a plate of food, perhaps a momentary "aw we're never going to share a plate again" will cause a little tiny bit of upset, but you should be over it almost as soon as you feel it instead of letting it affect your relationship.

OP your husband sounds really mean and spiteful. Doesn’t matter even if you did go on about it, there are ways and means of approaching it.

I’m very interested in what you’ve done though and would love to hear more about which vitamins you take and skincare you’re using!

Every time he mocks you say 'oh there he goes again my 1st husband running his mouth'. If he complains about being called your 1st husband tell him it was just a joke. Every single time. I bet he can't take it when you mock him. Treat him like he treats you.

The trouble now is you know he's not on your side. He doesn't want you to succeed and be healthy. Very sad. You now don't trust him to be a kind person and will soon lose respect for him. After that it's a short step to divorce

I have a friend that refers to her husband as her 'current husband' 😄

He sounds insecure.

it sounds like you’ve made yourself more attractive than him and fear has set into him.

This is such a sad thread. You sound fab, OP. So many people try to change their lives, or their health, or their looks, and fail because change is hard! You're doing things that so many people would like to have the determination to do - not just changing your lifestyle habits, but also fixing your health and changing career. You would expect a loving partner to be thrilled for you, inspired by you even, and all he's doing instead is trying to pull you back down to where you were before, and where he still is (or thinks he is). As pp have said, the freedom from painful eczema alone would be cause for celebration you'd think.

This is insecurity, pure and simple. Perhaps you're outgrowing him, or perhaps it simply looks like it to him, especially if you're studying for a career change and will potentially be widening your circle and meeting new people over the next few years (and for 'people' you can probably read 'men', in his mind).

Do you still love him? His behaviour's been appalling, but if you love him and want to stay with him, it sounds like he needs reassurance that you've been making these changes purely for yourself and not as some kind of escape bid. But spite and undermining behaviour do damage and perhaps you feel you no longer need someone like this in your life, undermining you and taking you down a peg continually. Life's too short.

Fwiw, I completely admire you for the changes you've made. What you've done is difficult, and takes a sense of the bigger picture and a willingness to swim against the tide.

My point is that it's not really about the change in diet, it's about what it represents - that OP is changing and finding new interests and that's making her husband feel a bit left behind and insecure, as he doesn't share those interests.

If my DH suddenly had a 180 in his personality and stopped drinking, eating meat and began doing yoga, I'd find it very strange as that's just not the kind of person he is to me. It's not that I'd want him to stop, it's just that it would take a bit of getting used to.

But if that change in personality suddenly meant that we couldn't do a lot of the things we used to do, then yes, I would be upset as it would just feel like we were growing apart and that might mean we had to look at what that meant for our relationship.

To be honest, your lifestyle change is irrelevant in this situation.

I would never have married a man capable of using the word c**t. If he did use that word to describe me our marriage would be over.

I don't tend to eat spam but I try and eat basic whole foods such as oats, greek yogurt, jacket potato (which there's nothing wrong with) etc. All these things are cheap and normal foods rather than faddish. I do have a lot of pulses just because I heat half a tin of them in 5 mins rather than having to cook meat. But I eat fat free dairy for the protein, eggs, and an oily fish on toast- kippers or sardines (sardines are really cheap.)

All I'm saying is it's not an either/or of eating processed meat every night vs. raw food and sunflower seeds, there is a middle way.

And I like cake or pizza sometimes too.

I agree with Anonymous48 though of course, verbal abuse is not ok.

It's not a change in personality though. More a change in temperment if she is now happier and less anxious and so on.

I know lots of people who do yoga and there's a wide variety of personality types, I prefer hippyish yoga myself, beach yoga and relaxation and meditation, can't remember the name of the styles I like, but there are people who love yoga as their exercise and hate the styles I like. I hate yoga as exercise myself!

And among those who are plant based there are a wide variety of personality types, it's not a personality trait.

For every person interested in wellness there's someone else interested in eating junk food or drunken nights....and those people have a wide variety of personalities too.

And they still can do the same things they used to it, so I don't know why you keep saying that.

If you both loved rock climbing and then he gave it up because he suddenly became risk adverse then you'd have a point.
Or if you both bonded over a love of heavy metal gigs and then he decided it was devil music and hated the whole scene then you'd have a point.

But in this case there is no example like that at all, they haven't stopped doing something together!

@KingofLoss
I've had it for 35 years it's exhausting. People banging on constantly about how vegans talk non-stop about veganism when it's them who never ever shut up.
Always funny when you say to someone "I'm vegan and you've known me for 5 years and you didn't know that but I've had to listen to your whining about vegans"
There's nothing I haven't heard, apparently all vegans are a mere plane ride away from crashing into a desert Island and then what would we do?
Same thing as you as all your meat comes in plastic you utter twat, just because you eat meat doesn't make you automatically a survivalist.
All of the sociology ones "So if I held a gun to a dogs head and one to your sister"
It's just so exhausting

Your first post gave me an inkling that this is about you changing and him feeling like he’s been left behind but this confirms it. You’re feeling better about yourself and life in general and he liked the way things were, for whatever reason. Maybe you’ve outgrown him? Or he worried that you have/will? That’s not your fault however. He owes you a genuine apology for being such a pathetic insecure man child.

There are so many good points to be made on this thread, but I just want to say....

eating the exact same cake as your friend is not a valid shared interest.

sorry.

This. He prefers you itchy miserable and on the back foot. You don't really need to know anything else about him. Get rid.

Can't believe people are actually defending this bloke, unbelievable. My dp is vegan, doesn't bang on about it in the slightest and doesn't care what I eat. I'll happily make an extra effort to find somewhere we can both eat because I care about him and I'm not a prick. It's really not that difficult.

In your situation OP my dp would be so happy for me that I was feeling better, because he's not a prick either. Calling you a cunt is bang out of order and will only set a precedent for more abuse, believe me I've been there. A serious talk with him is needed at the very least.

But in this case there is no example like that at all, they haven't stopped doing something together!

I suppose we'll just have to agree to disagree.

@lady @LadySilence I recently for a few years dated a meat eater (I'm a vegan) one of the very first conversations were
" I'll never preach to you but don't ever take the piss out of me"
It was sealed by a high five
It's not fucking hard. We both stood by it.
How many of you just don't spend the time with anyone different from you ??
How do you learn anything new ever ?
It's baffling, some people on here I'm sure would dump a friend if they decided to give up alcohol/lose weight or it seems have a different cake to them 🤨
P.S can't get rid of that f@ladyirst

Ok, I was trying, ineffectually, to make a point about orthorexia. I failed dismally, so yeah, if someone doesn’t want the lemon drizzle they’re dead to me, obviously 🙄 How do you get a nuanced debate without all the bad faith replies? Or is that only possible on one part of the forum? I’ve seen it happen, but only in one particular place.

This 100%

Cant believe some of the replies he mocks her health for christ sake shes was miserable and now shes not and hes the one with the problem