Husband mocking me, says I’ve changed for the worst

[redskyatmorning]

I have changed over the past few years in a way, yes. I was a meat eater but always fussy, never tried red meat or sea food, was funny with chicken so I decided to go vegetarian a year or so ago, I also cut out cows milk as I thought it was linked to my stomach pains and I couldn’t believe how much better I felt after a couple of months. I felt more energetic and my long term eczema all but went away. I gradually became vegan and got into nutrition, found it all quite interesting. From there I became interested in natural products, skin care etc. I started feeling at one with myself, and was looking and feeling the best I’d ever felt. I became interested in my health and got the family on vitamins and supplements. I even found my anxiety getting better especially after I started doing yoga too. I don’t harp on it all the time I just feel like I discovered a new interest in wellness and it improved my life a lot.

My husband was happy to get vegetarian with me, he offered I never pushed it on him. He didn’t go vegan with me but I never asked him too, I do only cook vegan but he’ll add cheese etc if he wants too, he’ll cook himself eggs. It doesn’t bother me and I don’t comment on it. The only change I’ve really pushed on him was taking vitamins which isn’t bad. He just keeps mocking me, saying I’m going full hippy and soon I’ll be in mandala print trousers and have dreads. Lots of little comments like that. I’m definitely not, at all, even though it wouldn’t be an insult if I had.. I just genuinely haven’t. Im eating healthier and I’ve got into yoga and skincare - big woop.

We were at my in laws over the weekend and they all commented on me being vegan, I just laughed and said I never thought I would either but I feel so good in myself since doing so. Sister in law commented on my skin (always had bad eczema on face) saying how clear it was and was that just from the diet change? I said it’s definitely had an effect, but that I had spent a lot of time looking into natural products and skincare routines and my husband interrupted and said “oh god who put a penny in you” I said she asked about my eczema being better, he just went off in this rant.. I don’t even know who you are anymore, natural this natural that, fucking boring, you’re becoming a complete hippy, gonna find yourself with a spliff soon enough, I’d rather you still have eczema and not be such a boring cunt.. his mum laughed. His sister said don’t call her that and he said I’m joking I’m just pissed you’re not a cunt love but it is fucking boring I stand by that, something along those lines.

I feel really hurt, it’s not like him to swear at me or call me names at all. Also he’s made me feel embarrassed to have these interests and like I need to hide them now.

It sounds like you’re just on different paths OP.

I’ll be honest, if my DH went vegan, gave up any alcohol and started doing yoga each morning and was generally in to wellness, I think I’d struggle to find a lot of common ground with him as the dynamic will have changed considerably between us.

You sound really happy with your choices - maybe it’s time to move on and find somebody who’s more compatible 🤷🏼‍♀️

i know some people use ‘cunt’ liberally and inoffensively but it’s obviously upset you and he shouldn’t have called you that, especially not in front of his family.

But, it sounds like he wouldn’t have been interested in dating a clean living vegan, and now that’s what he’s ended up with. I can see why he’s a bit grumpy about it.

rightly or wrongly, some people like having a few drinks and getting a bit loose, and like to do this sort of thing with their partner. He didn’t ask for the partner he now has.

maybe you’d be happier with other people now?

From a positive suggestion side, please do not ever use baby wipes on your face again, they cause all sorts of skin reactions. I caught DM doing the same and her face looked like she had hives..

Moving back to the thrust of your post, have you ever suspected DH has always been like this behind your back?

Up until you mentioned children and your age, your DH and you could have been former neighbours. She too was a vegetarian who had become quite ill for a period of time, but my main point is her DH (a complete moron) often behind her back, made fun of her and ran her down.

Ultimately she was in an emotionally abusive relationship. If I was talking to her, he would come up and tell her to come with him, that sort of thing.

have a think about your DH's treatment of you in the past. Perhaps this isn't a once off situation but it's the first time it's really struck you as being odd. From there, I think you might find you have more serious concerns with your relationship with him...

Honestly, just lean into it. ‘Yes, I’m a hippy and it’s wonderful. What is your fucking problem?’

Also, your husband is an arse. Do not tolerate being spoken to like that. Do not tolerate being belittled and made to feel small because he feels like he is nothing. Do not let him dim your light because he has none.

You've made lots of changes and that probably means the things you bonded over when you first got together no longer exist - and some people really struggle with that.

For example, if you used to love going out for Sunday lunch with all the trimmings, a dessert and a couple of glasses of wine - and now you no longer eat meat, creamy desserts or drink alcohol, he probably feels a bit like him and his interests aren't good enough for you anymore.

I suspect, in his head, you've outgrown him and he's worried you'll fine someone else who is vegan, teetotal and into organic stuff - so put downs are a way to keep you "in your place" - he may not even be doing it on purpose.

My dad used to do all those things (eat meat, drink etc) and he gave them all up and honestly, it caused some issues with my mum but also with my relationship with him.

Of course you can eat what you want and have whatever interests you want, but I also don't think you can expect everyone to appreciate the changes you make and sometimes making those changes means you're going to lose friendships and relationships along the way.

I think you've grown apart. And what he said wasn't ok of course, especially in front of others.

I'm into fitness etc but I don't like people who are overly restrictive about their diet, into yoga, into unnecessary supplements (vitamin D is about the only thing a lot of people could benefit from) etc.

The pseudoscience and stuff is a turn off to me and I don't like hippies or orthorexics and wouldn't have much more to do with them than I had to.
If he's a fairly down to earth guy, then you're likely not to be on the same page anymore. If your retraining is in a profession in some way related, that'll compound the issue.

I can’t use toothpaste with sodium lauryl sulphate as it gives me ulcers

So you just happen to be allergic to everything in numerous different ways..... You could check out Abbey Sharp on youtube, she's good about things like this but without being overly scathing so maybe would be watchable for a wider range of people than some.
https://www.youtube.com/c/AbbeySharpAbbeysKitchen

what does ‘started feeling at one with myself’ mean?

I do struggle with this way of thinking. I can’t see why what you eat or drink should change a friendship or relationship at all. We’ve still stopped at a pub after a walk, I just get a non alcoholic drink. We still go out for dinner, I just don’t order meat. I would get it if those things stopped but they are still there and my company is still the same.

Don't get me wrong, he shouldn'tve verbally abused you in public and if he's been verbally abusive before you need to consider your options.

And I would maybe tell him that if he does it again it's over.

I’ve always struggled with low mood and anxiety/panic attacks. I struggled for years with feeling like I didn’t really know who I was and felt like I mirrored people a lot rather than having my own interests/personality. Over the last couple of years I feel confident, like I know who I am now and far more in control of my mood and thoughts. I don’t know how to describe it other than just feeling at peace with myself finally.

I’d rather you still have eczema and not be such a boring cunt

Dear god he said that to you??? That's appalling.

IME anyone who says something that is incredibly hurtful and says it's a joke is not joking - they mean it. Whether or not it is actually truthful or not isn't the issue. Don't brush over it xx

Well done you for improving your health! Sounds as if you have done a lot of work on yourself and that should be commended! You were only answering a question! I think your husband is jealous why would he think you are boring because you have changed your eating habits! If my husband called me a cunt in front of his family I’d wipe the floor with him! He doesn’t have any respect for you does he!

Saying he’d rather me still have it then be boring broke my heart a bit. The amount he’s seen me cry over my eczema, how could he ever even think that?

Indeed, how could he.
I'm not sure there's a way you can get past this.
It's a bell that cannot be unrung...

I have no advice, other than make sure you'll never be financially dependent on him. You need the power and the resources to be able to walk away, should it ever become more than you can or want to put up with.💐

No I’m not allergic, it just triggers ulcers for me and many other people who suffer from them.

Firstly, really not ok what he said to you and especially in front of his family. Good on your SIL for calling him out on it.

you sound in a great place OP - well done. Lot of life changes there and in a nutshell your husband is sad, threatened and jealous. He didn’t want you to have eczema etc. but now you don’t due to all the changes you are a different person to him. He’s worried (sad) about how to bond (did you often drink together on nights out?), doesn’t know the new you and is wondering what is next (threatened) and now maybe a bit jealous you are getting lots of positive attention.

I’d ask him lots of open questions about how he feels and you’ll find out what the next step is. Oh - and tell him if he ever calls you a cunt again you’ll metaphorically chop his balls off.

Amazed by those people expressing even a shred of empathy for your ‘D’P. Some people must have incredibly shallow and surface level interests and connections with their partners if the loss of a shared love for a steak dinner and alcohol would affect their feelings for their partner 🤔My partner and I cry laughing together all the time from shared humour, chat about shared interests, etc. If he didn’t have the same taste in food as me, it would have a very small impact, even though we enjoy cooking and eating together. It’s hardly a sign of someone’s inner soul. He sounds really lacking in depth, insecure and he’s clearly annoyed you look more attractive now. How awful.

I think it does though. I know I would feel the dynamic has changed if DH did this. I can’t even put my finger on why but I know I would.

Honestly, I love my vegan, tee-total, eco-conscious, yogi relatives but honestly, they can be so boring at times. Their lifestyle dictates a lot of their interests (which are not mine, at all). Wellness fanatics tend to be evangelical about it and lose all capacity to think or talk about anything else, IME.

Honestly, I don't care if someone is being legitimately boring, you simply don't speak that way to someone you care about, particularly not with other people there to see and hear it. I wouldn't speak that way to someone I didn't like who was boring me!

It does seem likely that he's either worried you're "too good" for him now/outgrown him or finds your interests embarrassing, for some reason. Neither of those is a good reason for speaking so harshly to you. I'd confront him about it, tell him it's really hurt you. Ask why he said that. Tell him you aren't prepared to let him treat you so disrespectfully. How would he feel if you "jokingly" insulted him in front of visitors?

Calling you a cunt is so unacceptable and disgusting. Shows how angry he is underneath? Think a serious conversation needs to happen, but if he thinks what he did is ok, then I don't see how come back from that. As for 'mocking you'. That's so demeaning and will eat away at your self esteem. Any loving person would be happy for their partner to be happy and free from excema and putting on make up and just being happy. What's his f problem. He needs to sort himself out, or you're going to move on without him - if you havent already op, sorry.

I do struggle with this way of thinking. I can’t see why what you eat or drink should change a friendship or relationship at all. We’ve still stopped at a pub after a walk, I just get a non alcoholic drink. We still go out for dinner, I just don’t order meat. I would get it if those things stopped but they are still there and my company is still the same.

But meals out aren't just about the company - it's about a shared experience and when one person suddenly chooses not to participate, it changes the dynamics of the situation.

Part of the fun when I go out with my DH is that we'll order, say, a big plate of roast and share a bottle of wine, or we'll stop and get ice creams while walking the dog - the fact that we're doing the same thing together is a real bonding moment for us.

If we went to the pub and he suddenly started ordering salads and drinking mineral water, the experience would be very different. Similarly if we stopped for ice cream and he didn't have anything or just had water - it just wouldn't be the same.

Wow, what a selfish wanker he is. I’m sorry, if he has issues with you, it’s for you both to discuss privately. He’s not joking, he demeaning you, putting you down because he’s insecure. If it were me - at the very least we’d need a serious talk, and a heads up that if he ever spoke to me like that again, we’d be going our separate ways.

@FfeminyddCymraeg probably because someone else drinking/eating crap legitimises your own drinking/eating and makes you feel better about it. Insecurity, basically. My DP is teetotal and it doesn’t bother me at all to drink a couple of glasses of wine while he’s on apple juice because I’m secure in my choices and I know we can have fun without booze. Also, it’s confirmation bias- SOME people into wellness talk about it, but many don’t. You just don’t hear about it.

He acted really hard done by about why I needed it, I’m already married who am I trying to impress

Bin him off OP. You're soaring and he's trying to drag you down with mean-spirited, spiteful remarks.