Husband mocking me, says I’ve changed for the worst

[redskyatmorning]

I have changed over the past few years in a way, yes. I was a meat eater but always fussy, never tried red meat or sea food, was funny with chicken so I decided to go vegetarian a year or so ago, I also cut out cows milk as I thought it was linked to my stomach pains and I couldn’t believe how much better I felt after a couple of months. I felt more energetic and my long term eczema all but went away. I gradually became vegan and got into nutrition, found it all quite interesting. From there I became interested in natural products, skin care etc. I started feeling at one with myself, and was looking and feeling the best I’d ever felt. I became interested in my health and got the family on vitamins and supplements. I even found my anxiety getting better especially after I started doing yoga too. I don’t harp on it all the time I just feel like I discovered a new interest in wellness and it improved my life a lot.

My husband was happy to get vegetarian with me, he offered I never pushed it on him. He didn’t go vegan with me but I never asked him too, I do only cook vegan but he’ll add cheese etc if he wants too, he’ll cook himself eggs. It doesn’t bother me and I don’t comment on it. The only change I’ve really pushed on him was taking vitamins which isn’t bad. He just keeps mocking me, saying I’m going full hippy and soon I’ll be in mandala print trousers and have dreads. Lots of little comments like that. I’m definitely not, at all, even though it wouldn’t be an insult if I had.. I just genuinely haven’t. Im eating healthier and I’ve got into yoga and skincare - big woop.

We were at my in laws over the weekend and they all commented on me being vegan, I just laughed and said I never thought I would either but I feel so good in myself since doing so. Sister in law commented on my skin (always had bad eczema on face) saying how clear it was and was that just from the diet change? I said it’s definitely had an effect, but that I had spent a lot of time looking into natural products and skincare routines and my husband interrupted and said “oh god who put a penny in you” I said she asked about my eczema being better, he just went off in this rant.. I don’t even know who you are anymore, natural this natural that, fucking boring, you’re becoming a complete hippy, gonna find yourself with a spliff soon enough, I’d rather you still have eczema and not be such a boring cunt.. his mum laughed. His sister said don’t call her that and he said I’m joking I’m just pissed you’re not a cunt love but it is fucking boring I stand by that, something along those lines.

I feel really hurt, it’s not like him to swear at me or call me names at all. Also he’s made me feel embarrassed to have these interests and like I need to hide them now.

Toothpaste is full of crap it makes me feel sick every time. OP do you want to stay with him. You need to at least talk to him about how he is acting. He doesn't want you to improve yourself.

Sounds like he might be a little 'jealous' (if that's the word) of your skin and health improvements OP.
It would be different if on the other foot and he had a new found interest in something and you called him a cunt and belittled him.

Sounds like a twat OP. Tell him to do one

I feel confident, like I know who I am now and far more in control of my mood and thoughts. I don’t know how to describe it other than just feeling at peace with myself finally.

It can be a bit of a cult/religion. And many people find those comforting. Personally I prefer evidence-based, scientific treatment for mental health and would advise that. Even if some things haven't worked, there are all sorts of things a GP/consultant can try.

I feel for you, OP.

The way he talked at you and swore at you is inexcusable. Just that in itself would be a reason to reevaluate what you're getting out of this relationship with him.

The changes you've gone through, however, can also end a relationship. You mention several times that "you're interested in heath", however that's not what transpires through your post. Health is not veganism, pills and yoga. That's a particular, very specific and ideological area of interest which revolves around perhaps the generic term of "spiritual wellbeing", and that comes with a series of beliefs and behaviours which are very different from what you believed in and did before. In a way it's like becoming religious.

I'm very much into health myself. In fact, I am a health care professional. I eat everything: meat, chicken, fish, lots of veggies, lots of fruit. I'm incredibly healthy by eating everything my omnivore body requires. I trust tried and tested medicine over any alternative/unproven therapies. I exercise by hiking out in nature, lots of sun and fresh air. As a result of my eating habits and exercise I do not require any supplementation and I haven't been sick, not even a cold, in over 5 years. I don't do or are interested in yoga. I don't need meditation or mental exercises to relax and live in the moment, i have always been able to achieve that by myself. I don't use any creams or make up, I have very good skin and look younger than my years (not having had children likely has an effect in looking younger too), which in part I attribute to eating everything in moderation and cooking from scratch. I occasionally have a glass of wine or 1-2 beers but don't drink to excess. In don't deprive myself of anything in the name of "health", "wellness" or "spiritual wellbeing". I would only take supplements or vitamins if I had a deficiency that couldn't be overcome with a proper food.

As you see, there are very different ways of "being interested in health", however people who follow the "spiritual wellness" path often assume that is the only true way of being healthy, and that can grate on people who have other ways of looking at it. They often genuinely do not realise how much their own life revolves around "healthy" foods (healthy in their opinion, many of these foods would have never entered their gut if they lived in the true "natural environment") I don't have a DP at the moment, but I wouldn't be attracted to the spiritual type, and if a partner of mine turned vegan/spiritual/"wellness advocate" the way you have I would feel devastated, because that wouldn't be the partner I fell in love with. The gap would be too large.

So there are different issues to address here. You're obviously much happier and healthier the way you are and behave now, so the change has really worked for you and made you much happier. However, there is no reason the rest of your family is made to feel this is the "right" way for each and every one of them. There is non need for supplements/vitamins/pills/creams for anyone else that is not you, and giving these to young children is inexcusable unless they have a specific deficiency. Your DH has the right to decide together with you what's best for the children. Your way may have worked for you, but believe me, is not inherently any "healthier" than any other ways to feed/educate children which include meat/dairy products in their right proportions. Your DH may very well feel threatened that you're now prettier and more confident and happier, but at the same time he may also be legitimately cornered into a lifestyle he didn't choose or want. He made a big allowance by going vegetarian (he didn't have to), and now he probably feels more pressure to keep going "your" way.

Unfortunately I agree with the posters that say that your paths are now too different. i can't see you stopping doing what makes you happier, and I can't see your husband putting up with his "new wife" or leaning more towards your way of life - because this is what it is: a whole new way of life he doesn't agree with or wants. His cruelty and aggression is also inexcusable, and I wouldn't put up with a partner who showed me such scorn and disrespect, regardless of anything said before.

It's your new found confidence that's making him angry op. What a prick.

He’s trying to put you back in your place. Getting too big for your boots and all that.

He’s quite clearly worried you’re going to realise your self worth and the fact you don’t deserve to spend your life with someone who thinks you’re a cunt.

Honestly OP? LTB.

And as a kicker.... I think you sound great! I'm vegan and teetotaler too (recovering alcoholic) and I love yoga. I hope you're able to get rid of this joy sucker from your life and find your tribe and someone that complements your new you. Life's too short - go for it. Xxx

There are so many ways in which to be boring. Food/lifestyle changes for you, climate change for me. Even the most interesting subjects can become dull if you're forced to hear it all the time. OP says she's not always talking about her lifestyle changes, and I'll take her at her word. But even if she were an "annoying vegan" of the type who can't accept that not everyone wants to be a vegan, there are a hundred better ways to address this.

Speaking to her in that tone when she was doing nothing worse than answering a question, calling her that, belittling her in front of his family? None of that is okay.

He’s negging you because you are happy and healthy. He’s trying to bring you down.

Calling you names and speaking to you like that is outrageous.

Maybe he's feeling threatened by you feeling stronger in yourself. That's why he's trying to put you down. I'm sorry to say he sounds awful as does his charmless mother.

As many others have said, your husband is absolutely awful for using such nasty language towards you, but you’ve obviously grown apart since you’ve discovered your new lifestyle. It’s not a lifestyle your DH wants to share and I don’t blame him because it sounds joyless. It suits you though, so perhaps you’d both be better suited to new partners now?

Time to get rid.

I’ve a friend who’s chosen to go vegan and is definitely not judgmental or superior. He only talks about if asked and never makes any comment on why he’s made that choice other than to say it works for him. If someone who doesn’t know goes on an anti-vegan rant he just lets them get on with it and doesn’t take it personally. He’s also an ultra runner and, whilst appearances can be deceptive, doesn’t look in any way malnutritioned to me.
I appreciate my friend is probably an exception, but your post makes your view that someone being superior and judgmental is intolerable rather ironic.

It’s nothing cult like at all. I spent my teens and early twenties wanting to be in the background due to chronic facial eczema and bullying due to it. I went to a GP and tried the medically tried and tested steroid creams which failed me. I went on anti depressants that did nothing more than make me feel numb. Cutting out dairy is what worked for my eczema, enabling me to finally feel confident in my own skin. I have a tendency to get anxious, overthink and send myself into spirals - I could try anti depressants again or I could do a yoga class and centre myself that way. I know which works for me. Whoever said about giving kids vitamins being inexcusable, the NHS and government recommends all children aged 6 months to 5 years are given vitamin supplements containing vitamins A, C and D every day. I’m not some anti medical, anti vax hippy who talks about nothing but veganism and spirituality.

it’s like he resents me feeling confident and I don’t understand why

Because he’s insecure.

His mother laughed. Well we certainly know where he gets his insulting attitude from don't we. At least his sister seems like good egg though.

'He was joking", was he.

Well I hope he's got no pipe dreams about becoming a Comedian.

A lifestyle that cleared up a chronic condition I’ve struggled with for years, massively helped my mental health as a result and makes me happy sounds joyless?

Good God! Whether or not you've been boring or evangelical, there is no excuse for your H using language that to you, especially in front of others. Well done his sister for sticking up for you.

I suppose some people have different views on what is acceptable language - if you all tend to use words like that then maybe it's less of a big deal. But personally I find that word abhorrent and I know it would never occur to my DH to ever use it towards/about me!

I also know my DH would never embrace vegetarianism, and as I cook most meals your situation would not be an option in our house. So in some ways I'd say your DH has been supportive. But that level of disrespect, whether drunk or not - is a huge issue! Good luck sorting it!

There’s definitely a majority consensus that he’s threatened, I will try and talk to him. Like many on this thread have proven though a lot of people assume you’re a certain type of person once you go vegan/stop drinking and if he’s made his mind up that that’s me then I don’t see what I can do about it.

Not joyless for you, obviously! It’s great for you, but he doesn’t have eczema presumably and therefore doesn’t need to follow your regime? I enjoy doing things as a couple or with friends, but if I wanted a coffee, for example, and they only wanted tap water or if I wanted a piece of cake, but they wanted a vegan item, it’d change the dynamic for me, and I suspect for many others. Wouldn’t you enjoy discussing your health, diet and fitness regimes with someone who shared your interests rather than a man who wasn’t interested?

I'm very much into health myself. In fact, I am a health care professional. I eat everything: meat, chicken, fish, lots of veggies, lots of fruit. I'm incredibly healthy by eating everything my omnivore body requires. I trust tried and tested medicine over any alternative/unproven therapies. I exercise by hiking out in nature, lots of sun and fresh air. As a result of my eating habits and exercise I do not require any supplementation and I haven't been sick, not even a cold, in over 5 years. I don't do or are interested in yoga. I don't need meditation or mental exercises to relax and live in the moment, i have always been able to achieve that by myself. I don't use any creams or make up, I have very good skin and look younger than my years (not having had children likely has an effect in looking younger too), which in part I attribute to eating everything in moderation and cooking from scratch. I occasionally have a glass of wine or 1-2 beers but don't drink to excess. In don't deprive myself of anything in the name of "health", "wellness" or "spiritual wellbeing". I would only take supplements or vitamins if I had a deficiency that couldn't be overcome with a proper food.

See... you don't need to be vegan to be smug and self-righteous about what you eat

Definitely seems like he's jealous of you. I can understand him making the odd joke about your new lifestyle in a 'banter' way but he is going beyond that. He should be supporting you but instead he is belittling and ridiculing you. If he feels insecure in himself then that's on him, that's no excuse for him to embarrass you and run you down.

He should be supporting you in your endeavours not calling you rude names. That's horrible of him. He's probably seen this change in you, seen you become happier and healthier and now feels out of control and scared, so is responding by trying to put you down. Good that your SIL had your back. Sounds like she was genuinely interested you weren't lecturing her at all.

Nothing boring about looking after your health. Drunk people can be very boring.

He's jealous and feeling threatened. Calling you a c*nt is unforgivable.

Congratulations on making such healthy and enjoyable changes to your life! It must be a delight every day to feel so well and see yourself looking good, after years of suffering from eczema. I hope DH will soon start taking pleasure in your new happiness and good health. I must say his sister sounds nicer then him.