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Original poster

Should I inform his employer

191 replies

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 10:39

My ex was convinced under the domestic abuse act last year and sentenced to a community payback order.
I'm assuming he didn't inform his employer of this as he is still working for them. His employer is a large company that apparently supports many domestic abuse organisations. Legally, would I be allowed to inform his employer of his convinction? Would he be allowed to find out it was me that told them? Would it have any legal comeback for me? I'm in the UK.

OP posts:
Briscarta · 23/05/2022 13:10

Hont1986 · 23/05/2022 12:49

I don't know why people keep suggesting to tell them anonymously or tell them through a third party. Even if he doesn't know who reported it, isn't it obvious who he will guess first?

he is clearly going to blame the OP no matter what happens- at least if she reports there is a chance of getting him out of her local area. I feel very sad for you OP that you are still having to deal with his abuse. It’s a sad testament to our laws with regard to protection of victims were the best you can hope for protection wise is not to draw attention to yourself!

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 13:10

@AchatAVendre It was the front page of two papers that serve very large cities and was also on those papers social media so I'm sure someone who works with him will have seen the story but he has such a common name that they may not have linked it to him.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 23/05/2022 13:12

With them living so close I'd be wary tbh. Even anonymous, he will blame you.

steff13 · 23/05/2022 13:14

LaurieFairyCake · 23/05/2022 11:55

Yes, inform them - he's supposed to and he hasn't

His company has these rules for a reason, hopefully to take a stand and properly support domestic abuse charities

If the rules are that he loses his job with a conviction that will BE HIM losing his job by getting convicted ! Hmm - not by the OP reporting him

Yes, I'm sure he'll definitely see it as his own fault.

whywhywhy5 · 23/05/2022 13:18

You could do it as a whistleblower- they would be obliged to protect your identity then. If it's in the press already, they could just say someone had come across it and ask if it's him.

whywhywhy5 · 23/05/2022 13:19

Also - why aren't you using CMS? He should be supporting his child

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 13:22

@AchatAVendre There was no reason for him to buy in my town. They have no family or work links to here and are both from the other side of the country originally. The police and court both say its very concerning and a strange move on his part but as he has not contacted me or broken the restraining order, there is nothing that can be done. He's never taken an interest in my son since before he was born so I have absolutely no idea why he would chose to move here.
I've seen him numerous times and each time he makes sure to walk as close to me as he can without breaking the restraining order but then does seem to make an effort to avoid those places afterwards eg: I've never seen him in that park again, in that particular shop again, etc. Its all very strange.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/05/2022 13:25

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 11:41

@DysmalRadius I really do want to tell them but thought I'd ask opinions here as he has recently and inexplicably moved along the road from me, as far as I know his partner doesn't know anything about the court case or the baby and he's a very sneaky and nasty guy with some money so if I go about reporting him to his employers the wrong way then he wouldn't hesitate to take me to court and/or come after me again.
So part of me thinks I'd be absolutely right to tell them and the other part is terrified to do it.

Take you to court for what??

Access to your child or?

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 13:25

@whywhywhy5 I'm certainly not one of these people that wants to keep their child away from the dad but he never showed any interest in the baby, never requested to be on the birth certificate and he is a dangerous person in my opinion so if I don't need to involve him then I'm not going to go out of my way to do so. Luckily we don't need the money from him so it's OK.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 23/05/2022 13:26

for someone who apparently wants this man out of her life she seems awfully invested in his.

She knows where he lives.

She seemingly knows that he still works for the same company and that they don’t know about his conviction.

He will blame the OP either way. If his employer already knows, they’re likely to tell him that someone else has reported him and he’ll know it was the OP.

If they don’t know then he is going to know it is the OP. Even if she does it anonymously, nobody else is going to stumble on this information and take it upon themselves to contact his employer.

Keeping quiet has nothing to do with letting him get away with it. The OP already knows that he’s dangerous, dangerous enough that he’s been convicted, and we all know how difficult that is to achieve. And now people want the OP to essentially goad him and put herself in danger?

WibblyWobblyJane · 23/05/2022 13:27

I would not bother. He will make his own troubles.

Also, people out of work have more time to cause problems. You don’t need for him to have extra time on his hands.

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 13:29

if I go about reporting him to his employers the wrong way then he wouldn't hesitate to take me to court and/or come after me again
Can you clarify what you mean by this, op? It's a very strange statement.

KatherineJaneway · 23/05/2022 13:29

He's just moved near to you, I suspect that he will know it is you who reports him if he is pulled up on this. You'd have to 100% accept that in doing this you could make life worse for you and your family. Would it be worth it?

Personally I'd be looking to move.

AchatAVendre · 23/05/2022 13:32

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 13:25

@whywhywhy5 I'm certainly not one of these people that wants to keep their child away from the dad but he never showed any interest in the baby, never requested to be on the birth certificate and he is a dangerous person in my opinion so if I don't need to involve him then I'm not going to go out of my way to do so. Luckily we don't need the money from him so it's OK.

I have a hunch theres other stuff to be found out about this man.

But he appears to be keeping tabs on you. He wants to intimidate you by being around so you are frightened into keeping quiet.

I actually think he sounds quite cowardly and fairly rational.

Keeping a record of when you see him is a good idea as it may form a pattern, or may be enabling him to form a pattern of your movements.

Pyewhacket · 23/05/2022 13:33

AlternativePerspective · 23/05/2022 13:26

for someone who apparently wants this man out of her life she seems awfully invested in his.

She knows where he lives.

She seemingly knows that he still works for the same company and that they don’t know about his conviction.

He will blame the OP either way. If his employer already knows, they’re likely to tell him that someone else has reported him and he’ll know it was the OP.

If they don’t know then he is going to know it is the OP. Even if she does it anonymously, nobody else is going to stumble on this information and take it upon themselves to contact his employer.

Keeping quiet has nothing to do with letting him get away with it. The OP already knows that he’s dangerous, dangerous enough that he’s been convicted, and we all know how difficult that is to achieve. And now people want the OP to essentially goad him and put herself in danger?

Agree with this comment. Have as little to do with this person as possible and just get on with your life.

VanGoghsDog · 23/05/2022 13:35

whywhywhy5 · 23/05/2022 13:18

You could do it as a whistleblower- they would be obliged to protect your identity then. If it's in the press already, they could just say someone had come across it and ask if it's him.

That's just not correct.

WhatDoIDoNow3 · 23/05/2022 13:37

Some of the responses on here are appalling, yes you absolutely should make his employer aware if that is the line of work he is in. Could you perhaps get a family member or friend to email.

Mandodari · 23/05/2022 13:38

If you report him to his employer, will it make women more safe? If not, there is little to be gained in doing so. I understand you are hurting and want him to suffer, that is only natural but please, please be careful; revenge rarely turns out as you expect and you could be setting off a chain reaction that will cause you or his current partner to suffer. Are there any DV support groups near by that could help you process what happend to you?

RosehipSyrupForDinner · 23/05/2022 13:40

Telling people to keep these things secret, not rock the boat, etc are just supporting this state of affairs

It's not about keeping someone else's secret, it's about keeping yourself and your family safe. I rocked the boat by taking legal action to force the sale of our house after DV. As a direct result of that action, XH tried to kill me and DC.

It appears the OP's ex has moved nearer to intimidate her, he may not be finished yet. Her first responsibility in this instance is to keep herself and her family safe.

CousinKrispy · 23/05/2022 13:49

OP, I know this isn't what you asked, but is there any chance you could move away from the area, now that he is living 5 minutes down the road? I know moving house is no small matter, but you might have far greater peace of mind if you didn't live 5 minutes down the road from him.

Googlecanthelpme · 23/05/2022 13:49

OP I’d squeal like a pig. He deserves no protection that’s for sure. Its not petty to want the person who abused you to feel the full consequences of THEIR actions.

However you are right to consider how it can be done. A new email address sent from a burner pay as you go phone is an option - you could simply send a short email to the HR department with a couple of sentences about his conviction with either a link or an attachment of the reporting.
I mean his employer are not going to trace IP addresses, but you can do it without attaching your name so that’s what I’d do.

If this might bring problems to your life I would think very carefully - for now anyway, perhaps if you move away or something you could do it with less concern.

Bloatstoat · 23/05/2022 13:57

If you tell them, he could blame you and try to take it out on you.

If you don't tell them - you said he was in a panic that they might find out about a speeding fine and this is much worse. As it is he will always be worrying that his employer will fine out, and he'll be unable to get another job if he needs a DBS check so can't leave. This will be hanging over him the entire time, always at the back of his mind - entirely his own fault. The not knowing if you are going to tell, or his employer just find out is more stressful than dealing with the fallout of his employer finding out, I think leave it, move on and let him stress.

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 14:05

I actually moved house (before I knew he was moving). I moved so he didn't know where I lived anymore but due to work/family/school/childcare, i stayed in the same area....obviously never in a million years imagining that he would move here.
I found out he moved here as his house is along the path I (used to) walk to get my daughter from school and drive past every day to get to work.
His house is just up the road from my old house and unfortunately even closer to my new house.

OP posts:
Ballcactus · 23/05/2022 14:05

If he works in a job where he could be in a position to abuse others then yes, tell them.

Blossomtoes · 23/05/2022 14:06

CupidStunt22 · 23/05/2022 11:29

She was his partner? I know what's in my husbands contract. Why wouldn't she know this?

Show quote history

Neither of us would have the first idea of the terms of one another’s contract of employment, we have more interesting things to talk about.

Just leave it @Candycat1212, for your own peace of mind if nothing else - do you want to live in dread of every knock on your door?