Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I inform his employer

191 replies

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 10:39

My ex was convinced under the domestic abuse act last year and sentenced to a community payback order.
I'm assuming he didn't inform his employer of this as he is still working for them. His employer is a large company that apparently supports many domestic abuse organisations. Legally, would I be allowed to inform his employer of his convinction? Would he be allowed to find out it was me that told them? Would it have any legal comeback for me? I'm in the UK.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/05/2022 12:04

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 12:02

Why should she pay ££££ for therapy when she is displaying a perfectly normal, healthy reaction to being a victim of a criminal offence?
There's nothing normal or healthy about op's mindset. And yes, she would really benefit from therapy.

I agree. It's not healthy at all and no therapist will you it is.

Summersolargirl · 23/05/2022 12:05

TheOriginalClownfish · 23/05/2022 12:02

If his workplace terminates his employment based on being informed of his conviction, the only thing that would concern me is what does this unleash on you?

You know him. You know what he's capable of. You know that he's just itching to breach the restraining order and lives very near you and your baby. While I fully understand why you would want to do this, to me it just doesn't sound safe for you. If he loses his job he may very well feel that he's got nothing further to lose and hurt you. That would be my worry.

I don’t think he is itching to do that. In fact if he sees the op he stays away then avoids the place he saw her

sadly I think the op is trying to attract his attention.

username1219 · 23/05/2022 12:06

It's a tough one. I think his employer deserves to know. Possibly his colleagues deserve to know. I don't think I'd like to work with someone who had been convicted of domestic abuse, let alone be laughing and joking with them every day unknowingly.

On the other hand, you may need to consider the potential repercussions for yourself. You could of course report it anonymously, but then would the employer take it seriously, and would they even run the appropriate checks.
At my old workplace, there would have been zero checks run. We had someone calling in reporting one of the lads as a frequent drug user, and nothing was done.

So to conclude, yes I think people deserve to know. But whether or not it's the right thing for YOU, well that's another matter.

AchatAVendre · 23/05/2022 12:07

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 12:02

Why should she pay ££££ for therapy when she is displaying a perfectly normal, healthy reaction to being a victim of a criminal offence?
There's nothing normal or healthy about op's mindset. And yes, she would really benefit from therapy.

Again, thats not a healthy perspective either.

If I committed a crime, was convicted and someone informed my employer, and I then lost my job as a result, I would have no-one to blame but myself.

Making up some little fantasy about an ex not moving on and inventing narratives to support this is just playing into the hands of men like this.

RosehipSyrupForDinner · 23/05/2022 12:07

IHateWasps · 23/05/2022 11:47

Oh ffs! Yes, little woman, don't upset the scary man, if he gets aggressive its your fault, don't make his life hard...what a load of rot.

It's not about upsetting her. I don't give a toss about him but it's just sheer idiocy to escalate an already tense situation unless there is excellent cause.

My friend was murdered in 2018 by her abuser. Murdered and left for her child to find when they returned from school. And that was entirely his fault of course but playing games with a violent man is not wise. This is about revenge. I understand wanting it but you have to put thoughts like that aside and focus on keeping safe. It's incredibly foolish to talk so casually of revenge and "scary man" these men are extremely dangerous and pretending that you're dealing with a regular person and escalating a situation unless necessary is just madness.

I'm so sorry about your friend, how heartbreaking.

Agree with everything you are saying. Its not about being 'little women', it's about taking a pragmatic approach to risk. My XH has written his prison time (for DV) out of his life entirely. I shouldn't think anyone in his circle now knows about it. And I'm leaving it like that.

Summersolargirl · 23/05/2022 12:10

The “ little women” thing is a way to silence anyone who disagrees, it’s a way to demean them and take their voice away, as such, it lacks any form of credibility. If a poster can’t form a reasoned argument without trying to silence anyone who disagrees by demeaning them, then they have lost the argument before it even started.

TitInATrance · 23/05/2022 12:11

It depends on what his job is whether this would have any effect, other than the backlash on you. A domestic abuse conviction would not get someone fired from an average office job for example, even if the HR policy has a clause about criminal convictions bringing the company into disrepute.

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 12:12

@MrMrsJones yes it was the front page of a couple of papers due to how bad the abuse was

OP posts:
Crankley · 23/05/2022 12:14

I realise you want revenge but if you did this, are you then going to live in fear of him finding out or even suspecting you without proof and him impacting negatively on you or your child's life? Why would you do that? It's like poking a hornet's nest and then being surprised that you got stung.

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 12:16

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 12:12

@MrMrsJones yes it was the front page of a couple of papers due to how bad the abuse was

How did it escape his employer's notice?

drpet49 · 23/05/2022 12:16

Oh I’d tell them in a heartbeat.

^Me too.

ferrisbuelleronadayout · 23/05/2022 12:16

If you get him fired, he will have more time to go after you. Let it be and try to move away from where you live. You can report it to his employers once you are at a safe distance.

SleeplessInEngland · 23/05/2022 12:16

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 12:12

@MrMrsJones yes it was the front page of a couple of papers due to how bad the abuse was

Then leave it at that. Someone at his work will have seen it. The press have done the job already.

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 12:16

@IHateWasps that is a concern as he had already threatened to kill my partner and said he hopes me daughter and (at that time unborn) baby die and burn in hell. This was all via text and given as evidence to the court. So everything you are saying is hitting home with me and making alot of sense. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 12:18

@stanfi yes it was front page of a couple of papers

OP posts:
Chikapu · 23/05/2022 12:21

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 12:12

@MrMrsJones yes it was the front page of a couple of papers due to how bad the abuse was

So what makes you think his employers or someone he works with didn't see it?

IHateWasps · 23/05/2022 12:21

RosehipSyrupForDinner

Thank you. I'm sorry for what you've suffered at the hands of your XH too. Flowers It is about being pragmatic as you mentioned and prioritising safety.

I despise these men, I hope that they suffer terribly in some form and I think that sentences for domestic abuse are despicably low but the situation is never going to be fair, no matter how long they serve or if they lose family and friends, it'll never make up for what they've done. There's no fairness to be found and looking for it through revenge when it's putting the victims at additional risk is not going to help. It's easy for people to be casual about the possible and very likely backlash when they aren't the ones who'll be facing it.

Thatboymum · 23/05/2022 12:23

having been in a similar situation I would say yes you’d be doing it for revenge but if it makes you feel better then go for it. You’ve nothing to loose. I personally wouldn’t as I’d find myself focusing on the outcome too much and I find it easier not to give him any head space but everybody’s healing journey is different. If I did do it I’d prefer anonymity because why welcome more potential grief from him into your life. You got your conviction take that as your win x

wordlequeenbee · 23/05/2022 12:25

I remember you now OP- you've started other threads about him and what ever you say it seems you aren't actually moving on with your life at all

Interesting that in one of your posts you say you're worried if you report him to his employer in "the wrong way" then he could end up taking you to court. What do you mean the wrong way? If you're reporting something factually true and you have the guts to put your name to it then how can he possibly take you to court? Hmm
If the reality is rather different from that, I'd tread very carefully. In my workplace a while back someone reported (anonymously) an employee and the police are now investigating the informant (obviously they were able to trace where the allegation came from) and little does he realise that the shit will hit the fan some time and it's coming back to bite him.

If you have a genuine, fact based concern that he is breaching his employment contract, that's one thing (still don't get why you're obsessed about it though) but sounds like you're not as confident about what you wish to do as you'd have us believe

PipeScatter · 23/05/2022 12:26

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 12:12

@MrMrsJones yes it was the front page of a couple of papers due to how bad the abuse was

I would be obtaining a copy of that paper and anonymously posting a copy to his workplace marked "Private & Confidential" to his manager/boss.

If he's working somewhere that he has access to vulnerable people, and it's a requirement of his contract, I'd absolutely want them to know, but only in a way that is safe for you.

If you think that even sending it anonymously is likely to result in some form of retaliation, don't do it. You have to think of yourself first.

They will ultimately find out (or he'll leave when he hears they need to renew his DBS), but if it's safe to tell them now, do.

Anonymouslyposting · 23/05/2022 12:26

I would really want to tell them but don’t think you should. It risks bringing him back into your life and if you ever end up in court with him again then the judge is unlikely to be impressed with something that could be interpreted as seeking revenge (justified as you would be to do so) - you want to be cleaner than clean if you ever need the court’s help again.

Parky04 · 23/05/2022 12:26

Be very careful, a friend did this to her abusive ex boyfriend. He just assumed it was her and assaulted her very badly. I would leave well alone.

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 12:27

@Chikapu They may have seen it but he has quite a common name so may have thought nothing of it. I honestly don't know.

OP posts:
AchatAVendre · 23/05/2022 12:27

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 12:16

How did it escape his employer's notice?

Show quote history

I used to work in employment law, and this was an infrequent but recurring issue that used to frustrate me. Lets just say that there are a surprising number of (usually male employees, particularly in the public sector or contracting for the public sector) working in roles with convictions for non-motoring related offences. who also lie about their qualifications and experience

I know perfectly well that a woman with a conviction for violence would be sacked immediately.

Telling people to keep these things secret, not rock the boat, etc are just supporting this state of affairs.

Theres often other things that come out with these types of people...

JustLyra · 23/05/2022 12:30

Given that he’s recently moved close to you anything that happens is likely to be assumed it was you.

Don’t put yourself in danger. Honestly, getting payback will not feel good when you’re living in more fear again.

If you do ever feel tempted to do that then wait a substantial period of time so that there’s no direction connection between him moving and that happening.

if he works in a place that he needs a DBS check they’ll be periodically renewed so it’ll come up at some point without you endangering yourself.