Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Should I inform his employer

191 replies

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 10:39

My ex was convinced under the domestic abuse act last year and sentenced to a community payback order.
I'm assuming he didn't inform his employer of this as he is still working for them. His employer is a large company that apparently supports many domestic abuse organisations. Legally, would I be allowed to inform his employer of his convinction? Would he be allowed to find out it was me that told them? Would it have any legal comeback for me? I'm in the UK.

OP posts:

ElenaSt · 23/05/2022 11:26

Why start off a chain of events that could see him losing his job and becoming more aggressive and violent so that he could take out his anger on another woman?

Calmdown14 · 23/05/2022 11:27

I'd leave it but wouldn't consider him to have got away with it.
If he was worried for a speeding ticket, this is bound to be hanging over him.
It will also mean he is effectively trapped where he is.
I'd hope karma has delivered him an awful boss he's stuck with

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 23/05/2022 11:27

Would it be safe for you to do so? He might decide to blame you even if you manage to stay anonymous. If his industry involves back ground checks, next time he moves jobs or needs a security clearance it will come to light naturally. His current work not knowing doesn't mean it won't catch up with him one day.

Snoken · 23/05/2022 11:28

I do agree that telling his employer would be the best thing to do, but my biggest worry would be that he would get so angry that he will start wanting to have contact with your child, just to piss you off. Is there any chance he could get supervised visits that could eventually lead to him having the child more?

CupidStunt22 · 23/05/2022 11:29

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 11:11

It is in his contract that he must inform them
How on earth do you know this?

She was his partner? I know what's in my husbands contract. Why wouldn't she know this?

DysmalRadius · 23/05/2022 11:32

Presumably there's a reason that this is a condition of his job, in which case I would absolutely inform his employer! Why in earth wouldn't you? He's proven to be abusive and if that makes him unsuitable for his position then so be it. I am really surprised that so many people think you should be concerned about 'how it looks' or telling you how it will make you feel. You're planning to do the right and responsible thing - why there is such a focus on whether you will 'gain' anything is baffling!

IHateWasps · 23/05/2022 11:34

Why in earth wouldn't you?

Because he is an aggressive and violent man with a history of abusing the OP and he lives five minutes from her. You don't think that could come back to bite her? This is one particular hornets' nest that she does not need to be poking.

AlternativePerspective · 23/05/2022 11:34

I remember you now.

TBH you are going to all manner of lengths to have involvement in this man’s life.

On the face of it it looks like you’re seeking revenge, but in reality it seems you’re not over him.

AchatAVendre · 23/05/2022 11:36

I can't believe mumsnet at times. Of course you should inform them. Its highly relevant to his job and might put other women at risk.

No wonder so many men get away with awful behaviour if so many people think this is something you should keep quiet about.

And it doesn't bloody matter even if it wasn't in his contract of employment - it would be a relevant concern to any employer and could lead to dismissal for gross misconduct whether relevant or not as it breaches an implied term not to bring the employer into disrepute or adversely affect the trust and confidence common law duty owed between employee and employer.

Seriously? All this stuff about leading your best life and looking for revenge and moving on. Its not about you. The man is a criminal. He has a criminal record. Its normal to be affected by this years later (unless of course you are a pyschopath) but I'd also hate it to be on my conscience if he did something to someone he had contact with through his work. If he is keeping it secret then who exactly do posters think would inform the employer in these circumstances? Do they think keeping things like this quiet is a good idea?

I'd be shouting it from the rooftops. Whether or not he is a risk to you is a separate issue but obviously report any threatening behaviour to the police.

Of course theres no bloody legal comeback for you if you inform an employer of a conviction. You would be telling the truth presumably so what do people think would happen to you exactly? Its like a bunch of old wives' tales from the 1600s on here at times. And if the man works in a role which causes difficulty for him if he has even a road traffic conviction, then its even more important for him to inform his employer of any other conviction. Its likely gross misconduct on his part not to inform his employer. As it would be for most employees.

CupidStunt22 · 23/05/2022 11:36

IHateWasps · 23/05/2022 11:34

Why in earth wouldn't you?

Oh ffs! Yes, little woman, don't upset the scary man, if he gets aggressive its your fault, don't make his life hard...what a load of rot.

Take back control, rat him out, get a restraining order and if he turns up, have him arrested. Job done, unemployed and more of a criminal record.

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 11:38

CupidStunt22 · 23/05/2022 11:36

Oh ffs! Yes, little woman, don't upset the scary man, if he gets aggressive its your fault, don't make his life hard...what a load of rot.

Take back control, rat him out, get a restraining order and if he turns up, have him arrested. Job done, unemployed and more of a criminal record.

Show quote history

That really would not be "taking back control".

MadeForThis · 23/05/2022 11:39

I would tell. He should suffer all the consequences of his awful behaviour.

But be prepared for fallback.

Clarinet1 · 23/05/2022 11:40

On balance, OP, I’m on the “leave it” side of the fence. I think that the potential negative impact for you (Ex becoming aggressive or threatening for example) far outweighs the potential positive impact (a sense of revenge satisfied and a warm glow of moral courage).
Another way to look at it is: What are you doing spending your life so wound up about this bastard of whom you so wanted to be free? At
the moment your still not free of him and what he did to you and your child.

SleeplessInEngland · 23/05/2022 11:40

Don't do it. You sound paranoid enough that it would only make you feel worse once it's done.

JingsMahBucket · 23/05/2022 11:40

I'd tell them especially if they support domestic abuse survivors. The last thing they need is an abuser on their payroll. If anything, you'd be helping them avoid a possible PR nightmare.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/05/2022 11:41

If you're prepared to deal with the fall out if he figures it was you who told, go for it. I personally wouldn't put me or my child in danger for revenge.

Original poster

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 11:41

@DysmalRadius I really do want to tell them but thought I'd ask opinions here as he has recently and inexplicably moved along the road from me, as far as I know his partner doesn't know anything about the court case or the baby and he's a very sneaky and nasty guy with some money so if I go about reporting him to his employers the wrong way then he wouldn't hesitate to take me to court and/or come after me again.
So part of me thinks I'd be absolutely right to tell them and the other part is terrified to do it.

OP posts:

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 23/05/2022 11:41

A DBS needs to be renewed regularly, so it's going to come out eventually

Hoppinggreen · 23/05/2022 11:43

CupidStunt22 · 23/05/2022 11:36

Oh ffs! Yes, little woman, don't upset the scary man, if he gets aggressive its your fault, don't make his life hard...what a load of rot.

Take back control, rat him out, get a restraining order and if he turns up, have him arrested. Job done, unemployed and more of a criminal record.

Show quote history

Well it’s not you he’s going to come after is it.
You are all safe an anonymous there, unlike OP

Summersolargirl · 23/05/2022 11:43

I’d not, he lives five mins away and he’s going to guess it’s you

i think it’d maybe better to try to focus on how to move on and stop thinking of him rather than thinking of ways to get revenge.

DuvetHugger · 23/05/2022 11:44

I don't want to open a can of worms

which is exactly what you would be doing i'm afraid

Wintersgirl · 23/05/2022 11:44

Surely they would have done a DBS criminal record check if you say his job requires it?

CapricornCrescent · 23/05/2022 11:44

Seems petty.. Move on with your life.

Sistanotcista · 23/05/2022 11:46

You have every right to inform his employer. For your own safety, I’d recommend doing it anonymously. Send a letter to both the HR Dept and his direct LM. Include as much information about the conviction as you can so that they can easily check this independently. Be prepared for them to take no action at all - many companies talk the talk, but very, very few walk the walk. But at least you’ve done everything you can.

Good luck in your future. I salute your courage in getting away.

maddy68 · 23/05/2022 11:47

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 11:19

@maddy68 I dont think they do regular background checks, I think that would only be if he applied for a new job.

That requiremt changed a while ago. Now employers have to keep them updated

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread