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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I inform his employer

191 replies

Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 10:39

My ex was convinced under the domestic abuse act last year and sentenced to a community payback order.
I'm assuming he didn't inform his employer of this as he is still working for them. His employer is a large company that apparently supports many domestic abuse organisations. Legally, would I be allowed to inform his employer of his convinction? Would he be allowed to find out it was me that told them? Would it have any legal comeback for me? I'm in the UK.

OP posts:
IHateWasps · 23/05/2022 11:47

Oh ffs! Yes, little woman, don't upset the scary man, if he gets aggressive its your fault, don't make his life hard...what a load of rot.

It's not about upsetting her. I don't give a toss about him but it's just sheer idiocy to escalate an already tense situation unless there is excellent cause.

My friend was murdered in 2018 by her abuser. Murdered and left for her child to find when they returned from school. And that was entirely his fault of course but playing games with a violent man is not wise. This is about revenge. I understand wanting it but you have to put thoughts like that aside and focus on keeping safe. It's incredibly foolish to talk so casually of revenge and "scary man" these men are extremely dangerous and pretending that you're dealing with a regular person and escalating a situation unless necessary is just madness.

andtheycalledthewindmoriah · 23/05/2022 11:47

If it shows up on his DBS then it will get found out anyway as they must periodically check the DBS to ensure it is up to date. If on the update service doesn't stuff get added automatically?

So you could just wait until that happens and let this go.

Do you have a non-molestation against him so that if he does approach you in public, given he leaves not far, he can be arrested?

DenholmElliot1 · 23/05/2022 11:48

He's paid for what he did.

What exactly is his job though? And why doesn't he pay CM?

maddy68 · 23/05/2022 11:49

You just seem vintictive with this you are giving him too much thought. Move on ...forget about him this isn't going to change what happened to you bit it will develop and open a can of worms further impacting on you. ..

Just don't

DysmalRadius · 23/05/2022 11:50

If the organisation is such that they are invested in protecting their staff/clients/users from those that have such convictions, then I'd hope they had a policy on protecting those who are the victims of such crimes.

If you're concerned about repercussions, phoning from a withheld number and explaining that you want to be anonymous should give them the chance reassure you that they will find a way to address this without any reference to you. Its a matter of public record after all - it's not like it's information that only you would know.

Original poster
Candycat1212 · 23/05/2022 11:50

@AlternativePerspective noooo I'm very much over him, don't worry about that BUT I always do have that horrible concern that he might start again, especially with him buying a house near to me. He often walks past me in the street, close as he can get without breaking the restraining order, so there's nothing the police can do. So yeah unfortunately he is still a concern in my life.

OP posts:
stanfi · 23/05/2022 11:51

Was it in the papers? If so print the article and physically post it to HR at his work. No need for comment or your name.

Summersolargirl · 23/05/2022 11:51

Op have you got therapy or counselling to help you move on and stop thinking of him?

you know he’s going to guess it’s you, so why are you trying to attract his attention again? Becayse that’s what this is.

CupidStunt22 · 23/05/2022 11:52

DenholmElliot1 · 23/05/2022 11:48

He's paid for what he did.

What exactly is his job though? And why doesn't he pay CM?

No he hasn't

stanfi · 23/05/2022 11:53

@LadyMonicaBaddingham not necessarily true.

Some employers only update on change of role (NHS).

IHateWasps · 23/05/2022 11:53

Take back control, rat him out, get a restraining order and if he turns up, have him arrested. Job done, unemployed and more of a criminal record.

This also shows that you know nothing of how ineffective restraining orders can be. Another friend currently has one out on her former partner. I've lost count of how many times he's breached it even though it's known that he has access to firearms. He's arrested yes but it's never long before he's released again, usually a few days. The whole system is so fucked up. I don't know why these breaches aren't taken more seriously but at least in my area, they don't see m to be and I don't know how if that's down to the law or the police, whose hands may be tied, but it's disgusting either way.

Hont1986 · 23/05/2022 11:54

OP: should I open this massive can of worms?
AIBU: no, it's not a good idea
OP: but I really want to

Confused
MrMrsJones · 23/05/2022 11:54

Was it in the paper, many list the convictions for that week.

I would cut it out and send it to them. Anyone could have seen it and anyone could have sent it in.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/05/2022 11:55

Yes, inform them - he's supposed to and he hasn't

His company has these rules for a reason, hopefully to take a stand and properly support domestic abuse charities

If the rules are that he loses his job with a conviction that will BE HIM losing his job by getting convicted ! Hmm - not by the OP reporting him

inigomontoyahwillcox · 23/05/2022 11:55

All those who are saying that she shouldn't -
don't you think the organisation this man works for have put these rules/stipulations into his contract for a reason ... e.g. safeguarding?

Of course she should inform them if him carrying out that job puts others at risk. She should protect herself as much as possible of course, i.e. inform them anonymously.

DysmalRadius · 23/05/2022 11:55

Sorry, meant to add that I admire your stance - my comments were mostly directed to those discouraging you on the basis of how it 'looks' etc. I think the world needs more people like you.

AchatAVendre · 23/05/2022 11:57

Summersolargirl · 23/05/2022 11:51

Op have you got therapy or counselling to help you move on and stop thinking of him?

you know he’s going to guess it’s you, so why are you trying to attract his attention again? Becayse that’s what this is.

Why should she pay ££££ for therapy when she is displaying a perfectly normal, healthy reaction to being a victim of a criminal offence?

Its the offender who should be having therapy, not the victim. Its far more important that he doesn't reoffend and that members of the public are protected from his criminal tendencies than some esoteric ingrained notion some people have about "moving on from past relationships". In fact, I'm not convinced that any responsible therapist wouldn't suggest she report this, because keeping schtum about it is keeping this man's secrets for him, which is actually continuing some form of relationship with him. The complete opposite of "moving on".

Why aren't you more concerned that this man is keeping a relevant criminal offence secret from his employers?

IHateWasps · 23/05/2022 11:57

Anonymously or not, he's obviously going to think of the OP first.

10HailMarys · 23/05/2022 11:57

A few days ago you were posting about what would happen if he wanted contact with his child, even though he hasn't asked for contact, he isn't on your child's birth certificate and you have a three-year restraining order against him.

I think that you're just really struggling with the trauma you'e been through and you're finding it hard to stop being invested in this awful man and his life.

I know you probably feel like contacting his employer will give you satisfaction/revenge/justiice, but it won't. It will just prolong this man's rent-free stay in your head. You need to sever that involvement/interest in what he's doing. He is not your problem any more. Do not waste a second more of your thoughts on him, his job, his new partner, or anything else.

Summersolargirl · 23/05/2022 11:58

Hont1986 · 23/05/2022 11:54

OP: should I open this massive can of worms?
AIBU: no, it's not a good idea
OP: but I really want to

Confused

The question is why she wants to, it’s like keeping it going, trying to get his attention, because one hundred percent his first thought will be it was her,

op, it’s done, he got his conviction, he lives with someone else. You need to try to move on now. For your sake. Don’t Try to goad and start it up again.

TheOriginalClownfish · 23/05/2022 12:02

If his workplace terminates his employment based on being informed of his conviction, the only thing that would concern me is what does this unleash on you?

You know him. You know what he's capable of. You know that he's just itching to breach the restraining order and lives very near you and your baby. While I fully understand why you would want to do this, to me it just doesn't sound safe for you. If he loses his job he may very well feel that he's got nothing further to lose and hurt you. That would be my worry.

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 12:02

Why should she pay ££££ for therapy when she is displaying a perfectly normal, healthy reaction to being a victim of a criminal offence?
There's nothing normal or healthy about op's mindset. And yes, she would really benefit from therapy.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 23/05/2022 12:03

People commit crimes. Some of those crimes are despicable and we want revenge but that isnt how our society works.

He has been convicted. That will affect him in multiple ways, including being able to travel and hold certain jobs.

After committing a crime and completing whatever sentence they get, these people need to be allowed to he productive members of society, to be able to financially support themselves and to reintegrate to help prevent reoffending. Taking his job just makes him dependent on the tax payer, possibly homeless and more likely to re offend in other ways etc.

If his job requires a criminal record check and/or he works with vulnerable people or children then inform them. If he does not, then leave him to try and be a productive member of society.

Sistanotcista · 23/05/2022 12:04

ElenaSt · 23/05/2022 11:26

Why start off a chain of events that could see him losing his job and becoming more aggressive and violent so that he could take out his anger on another woman?

Why not?

It’s not for the OP to manage her ex partner’s employment prospects - that’s all on him. He chose to break the law, not her.

And enough victim blaming - it would not be the OP’s fault in any way, shape or form if he beat his new partner. That’s all on him - a choice he made about anger management and how to handle consequences. Nothing to do with the OP.

Yes, I feel sympathy for the new partner (who probably has no idea what she’s got herself into), but shielding a grown man from the consequences of his illegal and violent actions is not the way forward.

AchatAVendre · 23/05/2022 12:04

Summersolargirl · 23/05/2022 11:58

The question is why she wants to, it’s like keeping it going, trying to get his attention, because one hundred percent his first thought will be it was her,

op, it’s done, he got his conviction, he lives with someone else. You need to try to move on now. For your sake. Don’t Try to goad and start it up again.

Show quote history

One of the reasons we convict people of crimes in civilised society is to protect others. Convictions are a public matter. They are not designed to be kept secret.

I would say its possible that this man has other matters that he may have concealed from his employers.

All this stuff about the OP being obsessed with her criminal ex is quite strange to read.

You are aware that this man has chosen to move house very close to the OP?