Aibu to not go to this wedding?

[Kinderoo]

Dp has a family wedding coming up this week. Aibu not to go. I'm just tired of him and his family constantly putting my needs second and their needs first.

I've had a hard couple of years with all of them and it felt like dp and me was finally making improvements but lately all we have been doing is bickering again and he has NOT been listening to me or my wants. He has been very neglectful.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married myself, we have dc. I'm aware that me not going to this will most likely severe all ties with him and his family and will cause unthinkable damage.

But after spending over ahundred on my clothes and gift (it's a very formal wedding) I'm starting to wonder why I'm always the one that bends my back and gives gives gives.

All just to make him and his bloody family happy. When no one cares about me.

So Aibu to say to dp I'm having serious doubts about not going?

I agree with everything in @MarieIVanArkleStinks post.

Clearly you are struggling and you should always put your mental health first.

I also agree you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Is being with him worth damaging your mental health and esteem for? It doesn’t sound like he’s treated you very well for the most part and whilst things may have improved for a short while, his family obviously have an impact that isn’t helping your relationship to grow or mend. Although the fact he’s already put his hands on you in some way is concerning.

It does sound like you need some you time. It may help you get some perspective and work out what you want, just by having some time to yourself. Could you get away for a couple of days at some point for a little break anywhere? Stay with a friend maybe?

With regards to the wedding, do what you feel is right for you. If you think it will cause more drama and stress for you by not going, then maybe go and think about planning some time to yourself for afterwards. If you really cannot face going, then don’t go.

But as Mariel said, try posting this in Relationships, where you may get some more balanced responses, rather than the vitriol that usually occurs in AIBU.

I hope your counsellor is able to help you further and you can work on looking after you.

You come across as spoilt and petulant in your posts. I'm not sure your counsellor is doing you much good. If you don't get on with your dp (who ever is at fault) then you need to split up. As others have said, if you marry you get further emeshed in his family and it us natural for them to put their son first

Why drag their kids into this. If they've been invited to the wedding they should go, they'll have been excited about it.

That didn't happen last night. OP has made the decision to stay and looking to get married.

She still gets a choice of what she does and doesn’t do in life. If she doesn’t want to attend a wedding, she doesn’t have to, it’s very simple. 🤷🏻‍♀️

No one has really said she doesn't have a choice. What they have said is to just not turn up for a second time, is plain rude.

The person I replied to was implying she should go to the wedding, by responding to the comment she did.

Regardless, no one in the family is worrying about their rude behaviour to OP, I’m not sure why people think OPs priority should be politeness.

If I was the bride and knew how OP was feeling based on how she’d been treated by my family, I wouldn’t want her to feel obliged to attend due to them putting her under pressure to.

People on here are batshit crazy. OF COURSE you're not being unreasonable! You are not even married you're only your partner's girlfriend, you weren't even ASKED if you wanted to go.

OP, DON'T GO. You have agency over yourself. You owe his parents NOTHING. You owe nobody anything. You have been PHYSICALLY ABUSED, you have been EMOTIONALLY ABUSED, so why should you go and play happy families to people who said you deserved to be hit? Fuck them! No one has the right to tell you that you have to go. In fact, I would deliberately choose not to go, on that basis alone.

You should have posted in Relationships or Weddings, people in AIBU are batshit crazy and abuse enablers I've found.

No one has really said she doesn't have a choice. What they have said is to just not turn up for a second time, is plain rude.

A wedding she hasn't been invited to?

People on here are batshit crazy.

Well that’s a bit of irony if ever I heard it.

You should have posted in Relationships or Weddings, people in AIBU are batshit crazy and abuse enablers I've found.

Nice

She has been invited to the wedding

How can I sound spoiled?! Spoiled how? How did you come to that conclusion? From this thread does it explain my entire life? How I presented to be from birth. No. My life has been full of sacrifices so this time I am being unapologetically selfish. And unless you know me as a person you really can't dictate to me who I am or not. I know your comment is further from the truth and I wish I spoiled myself more and made life more about me before giving everything up for everyone else.

As the thread as developed, I think it’s become clear that you shouldn’t go to the wedding - primarily because you’re pitching your attendance as being about a display of self-sacrifice and what it represents for your relationship with your partner and your in laws. And the couple getting married don’t need that drama on their wedding day and don’t deserve to be caught in the crossfire of your and your in-laws’ power struggle.

Stay at home and use the time to think about why exactly you want to stay with your DP and marry him, when you’ve said nothing positive or good about him on this thread.

So you NOT going to the wedding will cause unthinkable damage

Sorry, but the more you explain, the more self-centred you actually sound. Just don't go! No need for all the drama. Also don't marry into this family if you don't want to. It's your CHOICE.

Choose the drama or lose it.

What exactly are these huge sacrifices?

I’ve come back here to see what else had been said and you’re right you won’t be missed and it won’t really matter to the couple. However it will give your wider family all the ammunition they need to have a go at you. So it’s sort of like you’re setting yourself up to fail?

This wedding is not the hill to die on, but some serious thought about how you plan to proceed about your own relationship. That needs work.

She was invited

Good point.

My job my home my freedom and independence. Oh you know just the minor things

My body for our dc and my mental health.

Is that enough point made for you

My body for our dc and my mental health.

I'm sorry I just don't understand, why have you had to sacrifice your home, job and freedom? The body bit i get! Is your dp stopping you from working? Have you been forced to move and not allowed out? If so, absolutely contact Womens Aid and get yourself out!

okay - so your life hasn’t turned out how you wanted.

in this thread you seen to be blaming your in laws for that.

yes that may well be crappy people. But you are responsible for your own happiness.

Instead of seething with rage against them why not try and make your self happy.

skipping a wedding isn’t going to fix this - what will. What is in your control?

you can’t force your partner to but ties with them - but you can leave him or refuse any contact with them (perhaps you can only do this by leaving him).

you say you have sacrificed your home? Do you mean you had your own hone but now your partner can claim half? Get a new hone that is all your own - yes it might be smaller than what you have now but it will be yours.

your freedom and independence? Is this brocade of the children - they will grow. Because of the violent boyfriend - leave him. Because of the in laws - cut them out.

no one should have this much control over you.

build a career; build an independent life.

picture yourself happy - what do you need to get there?

all this anger and self pity is only making it worse

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Oh really? Care to explain?