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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not go to this wedding?

241 replies

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 10:39

Dp has a family wedding coming up this week. Aibu not to go. I'm just tired of him and his family constantly putting my needs second and their needs first.

I've had a hard couple of years with all of them and it felt like dp and me was finally making improvements but lately all we have been doing is bickering again and he has NOT been listening to me or my wants. He has been very neglectful.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married myself, we have dc. I'm aware that me not going to this will most likely severe all ties with him and his family and will cause unthinkable damage.

But after spending over ahundred on my clothes and gift (it's a very formal wedding) I'm starting to wonder why I'm always the one that bends my back and gives gives gives.

All just to make him and his bloody family happy. When no one cares about me.

So Aibu to say to dp I'm having serious doubts about not going?

OP posts:
Inkyblue123 · 23/05/2022 12:39

It’s a bit late to back out now - very rude. Just go and show your face - feign a migraine as soon as possible and disappear off to bed with Netflix. Other peoples family’s are always a bit weird - and I don’t always appreciate my in-laws. Maybe you have other stuff going on and this is just the final straw? Maybe your councillor can offer some perspective? Good luck and make a plan- treat yourself afterwards for a job well done.

ILoveYoga · 23/05/2022 12:40

You need to let the couple know you’re not coming. No reasons need to be given. That is only the fair thing to do as regards your invitation.

as regards your DP and his family, again, simply letting them know you’re not going to the wedding. As for ending your relationship with your DP, that’s a separate matter. Take action, don’t let things continue to slide If you want to end it, end it and move on. Time is precious. Your happiness is precious. Move on with your life.

Franklyfrost · 23/05/2022 12:41

Go to the wedding.

Acknowledge you are anxious about going, maybe show your face and go home. After the wedding tell your partner you’ll not be coming to any family events with him ever again unless you op in.

Don’t marry your dp.

StrangeCondition · 23/05/2022 12:41

Fuck the wedding and fuck your DP, I can't believe people on here are expecting you to go to the wedding with someone who has physically assaulted you!

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2022 12:41

Have I missed you saying who the bride and groom are in all this and what the two of them have done to you?

They invited you, not DP, not his parents. You’d be letting them down, not anyone else.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2022 12:42

StrangeCondition · 23/05/2022 12:41

Fuck the wedding and fuck your DP, I can't believe people on here are expecting you to go to the wedding with someone who has physically assaulted you!

Well she wants to stay with him. Which isn’t anyone else’s fault or responsibility.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2022 12:42

You can't be with him and not his family. Nothing you have said about his parents make them sound any worse or even as bad as him tbh.

Do you have family?

MorrisZapp · 23/05/2022 12:42

This thread is toxic. Start a new one in the relationship section of mumsnet, asking for support to leave this awful relationship. Don't even mention this wedding, it's irrelevant.

catscatscatseverywhere · 23/05/2022 12:45

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:46

@catscatscatseverywhere i really don't care

I think you've got the answer then.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2022 12:49

But the OP has said she doesn't want to leave the relationship. Most people have told her the wedding isn't the problem the relationship is, but if she wants to stay in the relationship and make it work then making a stand at the wedding isn't the place to do it. That doesn't make the thread toxic

CPL593H · 23/05/2022 12:49

Your in laws won't change. It is extremely unlikely your partner will change. The only person who can effect change in your life and happiness is you. This wedding and your attendance or otherwise is a symptom, not the disease. Basically, you would be very, very unwise to even contemplate marrying him feeling as you do. It sounds like time for a major reassessment.

Mellowyellow222 · 23/05/2022 12:57

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 12:33

I do want to be with him. But I don't want to be with his family. And if its a breaking point then I guess that is us done. But dp knows how horrible his parents have been to me.. So it's up to him just as much as its up to me

But you can’t control him.

the details are all very confusing - but the probable seems to be he never stands up for you with them. He doesn’t want the same boundaries as you.

he doesn’t seem to want to change - you do.

you need to decide what compromises you are willing to make to stay with him. And then you have to be okay with these compromises for your own sanity.

I would not have stayed after the physical - and I think you need to explore why you have forgiven him but can’t forgive his parents.

you seem to accept pretty awful treatment from him but hold a huge amount of rage for his parents.

it sounds like an awful way to live

Stellamar · 23/05/2022 12:58

I don't think anything is going to be made any better by you pulling out of the wedding.

I'm not sure what exactly his parents have done to you, but I'm assuming that they're not abusive and that he wants to maintain a relationship with them. In that case, I think if you want to be with your partner then putting a brave face on and attending family events comes with the territory. You don't have to be best friends but you do have to be polite and make an effort to get along as best you can.

catandcoffee · 23/05/2022 13:01

OP. Hear what you're saying. Ignore the people on this thread talking about it being rude you not going.

This is the "straw that broke the camels back" moment for you.

Stop being a doormat for others, you owe them nothing. As for the Mil ... maybe time to speak up for yourself.

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/05/2022 13:01

What is the solution here OP? Do you want your DP to go no contact with his family?

Bunce1 · 23/05/2022 13:03

I have said it before and will say it again-

DP and his family are a package. Your are setting yourself up for a lifetime of conflict and unhappiness to proceed. DP might improve for a time, but will it last?

user1471538283 · 23/05/2022 13:04

I wouldn't go. I got sick of being asked kind of as an after thought by some of my family. The thing that tipped me over the edge was being kind of invited to a celebration the day before (and the day after a big celebration for me). I said I could not go and family members were upset. But really I was just there to make up the numbers; no one was interested in me being there.

The second celebration was a stitch up and I just refused to go. Again no one was really interested in me being there. They just wanted me there for their own convenience and so they could crow about how sodding wonderful they all are.

Youaremysunshine14 · 23/05/2022 13:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Blarting · 23/05/2022 13:13

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 10:50

I don't know anymore. I don't know what I want.

So if you don't know them, why do you have e an issue with them?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/05/2022 13:15

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2022 12:49

But the OP has said she doesn't want to leave the relationship. Most people have told her the wedding isn't the problem the relationship is, but if she wants to stay in the relationship and make it work then making a stand at the wedding isn't the place to do it. That doesn't make the thread toxic

I agree. The wedding isn't the problem, the problem is the relationship. The in-laws aren't the issue, the issue is the relationship. If OP wants to stay in the relationship then throwing her toys out the pram and refusing to go to a wedding or see the in-laws, isn't going to work.
I'd just focus on you OP. If you are really unhappy, leave him. You don't deserve to be unhappy.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/05/2022 13:17

I'm not suggesting I'm leaving dp. But I'm tired of doing things for him/his family all their way.
If you don't leave DP, you'd better get used to doing things for him/his family all the way. Because you are already accepting & propagating this with your own actions - like below:

This is a big ask for me as its with lots of people I don't know and after spending all this money and putting in all this effort (I bought the gift for dp for his own family) I don't want to do it anymore.
Nobody made you spend all that money.
Nobody made you take DP's responsibility for gift-buying on.

I feel like a doormat that just keeps giving and making a point will make me be heard.
It won't make you get heard.
Passive aggressive gestures NEVER improve communication.
All that will happen if you don;t go now - at such short notice - is that his family will talk about how rude you are for a bit, & then forget all about you.
What will get you heard is using your words & stating your needs.

I even had to chase dp about his flipping suit! It's not even my side of the family but he is just so lazy with everything.
Did you?
What would have happened if you remembered that your DP is a grown up, & can sort out his own suit?
Why are you planning to marry a lazy man?

5128gap · 23/05/2022 13:19

Honestly OP, any satisfaction you get from making this your big stand is not going to be worth it for the hassle that follows. I get that you want to get their attention and demonstrate that you've had enough, but I guarantee it will change nothing for the better.
And when you've got issues with your DP, surely the last thing you want us to add to the misery by triggering a big drama with your in laws?
Its a few hours. You've bought your outfit. You might even enjoy parts of it.
Just go, and sort out your DP and in law issues separately. If you try to sort them out after missing the wedding it's only going to get cloudy, with them bringing that up against you, rather than what you have to say being the focus.

Maurepas · 23/05/2022 13:21

Sorry I do not understand your problem. You have been invited to and accepted the invitation to a wedding of your DP's relatives. Weddings are meant to be happy and joyous but you don't see it like that. You are cross, annoyed and resentful. Don't go then - they will not want someone putting a big downer on it anyway. But it is not as though you have been expected to arrange and pay for it all - is it? It seems to be the family and not the occasion that you do not like.

Watermill · 23/05/2022 13:23

It really does sound like DP is the bigger problem here.

Dump the lot of them!

Sharrowgirl · 23/05/2022 13:25

You know the wedding is not the issue. Not going won’t mean that on Monday morning, all your the problems in your relationship will have disappeared.