Aibu to not go to this wedding?

[Kinderoo]

Dp has a family wedding coming up this week. Aibu not to go. I'm just tired of him and his family constantly putting my needs second and their needs first.

I've had a hard couple of years with all of them and it felt like dp and me was finally making improvements but lately all we have been doing is bickering again and he has NOT been listening to me or my wants. He has been very neglectful.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married myself, we have dc. I'm aware that me not going to this will most likely severe all ties with him and his family and will cause unthinkable damage.

But after spending over ahundred on my clothes and gift (it's a very formal wedding) I'm starting to wonder why I'm always the one that bends my back and gives gives gives.

All just to make him and his bloody family happy. When no one cares about me.

So Aibu to say to dp I'm having serious doubts about not going?

@Bunce1

Depends how involved they are on a daily basis though.

I don't have the best FIL (MIL deceased), however, my DH knows he's difficult (he's consistently 'off' with me), he lives a fair distance away and I only have to see him about 4 times a year. I can tolerate this. I also make sure that all communication is through my DH.

If OP had this kind of relationship - could she tolerate her in laws?

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I know why. Because I've got no where to go and no support. But that's for another thread.

I think you should start that thread, but avoid AIBU.
Take @DuckbilledSplatterPuff's advice, forget about the wedding as much as you can, & instead focus on what you can do to change your living situation.

There is support available from WA - it's a good place to start - www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

If you post in Relationships & outline what your housing situation is, if you work, what age the DC are, & who you have in your life who is NOT related to your partner, you will get advice be able to start thinking & planning.

For God sake you can't possibly act like you know my character from this tiny snippet of a thread. I am not "always" like this but I am feeling extremely irritable /worn down and depressed today. Try not to judge me at my worst.

It is very short notice to pull out of a wedding now. The couple will probably have to pay for place if you don't attend and they could have invited someone else if they knew.

I get that people assumed you were going but you must have known this and you could have made it clear before now that you didn't want to go.

I just feel sorry for the couple really who will have to pay for you, weddings are expensive.

You sound so angry - surely the relationship is over and you need to take steps to formally end it. Continuing the relationship but raging away isn’t going to do anyone any good least of all you. Are there children involved? Must be dreadful at atmosphere at home for them if so if you are in this state.

@Kinderoo I'm sorry if tagging you isn't appropriate given you stated the intention of leaving this thread, but I wanted you to read a response that is more sympathetic than some of the nastiness levelled at you here. You might want to repost this on 'Relationships' given AIBU is notorious for giving posters a good kicking when they're coming from a vulnerable place). Weddings also have a strange effect. They really are not all that, yet a sizeable chunk of posters thinks the world will stop spinning on its axis if someone declines an invitation.

You do sound vulnerable and at the end of your tether. It's exhausting facing this sort of thing year on year in the knowledge these people don't give a shit about you. In the end it wears you down and does horrible things to your self-esteem. This despair is showing clearly in your posts and I very much feel for you.

This isn't about the wedding, but you already knew that. It's about your DP first and foremost. His willing acceptance of his family's treatment of you is the issue: the family themselves are a secondary problem. I hope your counsellor is giving you something of a steer on this, because you are likely letting yourself in for a life of misery if you marry this man. People like this don't get better I'm sorry to say.

You have some hard decisions to make, but in the meantime there is the immediate matter of the wedding. You haven't been asked nor declined the invitation. You've been informed, in an extremely aggressive, rude and overbearing manner, that you 'have to' go. You don't. You're an adult, are not susceptible to other people's imperious orders, and you don't have to do anything. You can make your own decisions as to what you will and won't do. You don't want to go to this wedding - so don't. What's the worst that can happen? They treat you with open contempt anyway, so you'll have lost nothing.

In the medium-term I'm afraid I'd be reappraising my relationship. The way you are feeling right now: it's painful, you're doubting yourself (hence posting here) and I'd wager that doesn't feel good. You can feel better in the future, but you have some tough decisions to make. No one here can help you find those solutions, but I hope your counsellor can. In the meantime, do something to take care of yourself, even if it's only a nice coffee and a slab of cake.

A second kindness you can do yourself is try reading Susan Forward, Toxic In-Laws. It's an eye-opening read that might really help you.

Sending you

You say you want to be with him - that normally entails going to things like weddings, funerals and christenings to support and share in enjoyment so I don’t see how this is an unusual thing being demanded of you without any consideration. You may feel railroaded but you/he have committed to attending. In the nicest way your attitude of you don’t owe them anything so why should you does come across as selfish - they have invited you to their wedding and made a kind gesture so at the very least you owe them respect and courtesy even if you choose not to attend.

why do you want to be with him ?

Dont go to the wedding
And please... dont marry this guy. Please. Don't

This is a big ask for me as its with lots of people I don't know

Gosh, heaven forfend you meet some nice new people and have interesting conversations with them, and <gasp> even have fun!

I assume your wedding will be just you, your DP, and 2 witnesses who volunteer to be there?

It’s a bit difficult to see as your posts are very abstract, but it does sound like you’re horrifically abused and controlled.

Your anger is misplaced though. Your partner is shit. His family are also vile, but he is your problem. Im very concerned that he was violent to you and you still want to be with him. You say you’ve worked through it as a couple yet you’re still angry that his parents took his side.

I hope, for your sake, you find a way out of this whole mess.

You don't want to go to this wedding - so don't. What's the worst that can happen? They treat you with open contempt anyway, so you'll have lost nothing.

No she doesn't have to go, however the bride and groom whose actual wedding it is haven't treated her with contempt.

They really are not all that, yet a sizeable chunk of posters thinks the world will stop spinning on its axis if someone declines an invitation

Don't be ridiculous. You can decline an invitation. It is however incredibly rude to pull out a week before unless you are ill, especially if your plan is to just not turn up.

You being blamed for not going to the last wedding is a partner issue. He should have put them straight, your feelings not being prioritised is a partner issue, prioritising his family is a partner issue. If you dont go all you will do it upset the wedding party and make yourself look like an ass. Dont use someones special day to start kicking back. Go and going forward set some new boundaries and ensure your DP is on board with them. If he isnt then make a new choice and plan your exit

Why make a stand over one day at a wedding, why not make a stand over how they all treat you?
It really doesn't sound like you should tie yourself to this man (and his family) for the rest of your life, he sounds a bit crap to be fair.
If this wedding is the final straw, then fair enough don't go, but draw a line and say no more to any of it and make him leave.

OP you sound overwhelmed.

FWIW I have a friend who often says she feels like you. 'I never get to do what I want' 'I'm always last' 'no one cares about me'. Without knowing more details its easy, especially with kids, to feel like your needs are last. That is quite normal. My friend has a lovely partner and family, I don't ever quite know what she wants from life. She finds it hard to muck in and put herself out for others when most of us do that regularly without complaint. She finds it hard that people assume she will want to do nice things (like attend a wedding) and feels shes being forced rather than 'choosing' to go.

She is quite a difficult person and always unhappy. I hope you are not like her for your sake as its hard. I'm glad you have counselling and only you know the extent of your families behaviour.

I never said yes or no to anyone.

Stop being so passive! It's up to YOU what you do with your life

And please don't marry this man. You really don't sound very happy. And forget going to the other wedding.

End the relationship and they won't want you at the wedding. Both problems solved!

You need to work out what you want before getting in another relationship.

Don't go to the wedding. Don't get married as he will always choose his family over you (and if he doesn't then he will resent you forcing his hand). Move out asap and get used to being you and what you want from life. No relationship is worth being this unhappy!

It's all about you....

Well that's the way it sounds anyway.

No, your partner shouldn't have hit you but you can't keep throwing that at him and his parents every time something comes up. You decided to stay. You still have the option not to. You will make both your lives miserable if you carry on as you are. Draw a line under it either way

Why should his parents be beholden to you and having to apologise ? There's a lot we haven't been told I'm afraid . It sounds as though you are high maintenence and want to be the centre of attention. Maybe once you get to organise your own wedding you will have got that need for attention out of your head

Think about what you want from life and go for it, just bear in mind that other
people are not just bit players for you to direct

No, your partner shouldn't have hit you but you can't keep throwing that at him and his parents every time something comes up. You decided to stay. You still have the option not to. You will make both your lives miserable if you carry on as you are. Draw a line under it either way

I find responses such as these very strange and concerning. It's already been brushed under the carpet more than it should have been, it seems wrong to encourage OP to minimise the violence even more.

I agree that OP would be wrong to make this wedding the moment she makes a stand, and feel it's going to fix anything, but she's right to feel hard done by and at the end of her tether and I would strongly advise her to get out of this relationship!

@tkwal mil is that you 😂😂?

I think this is more the problem than anything else.

OP you need to decide whether you have a future with your dp or not. If you do then you need to figure out where you are at as a family (you him and kids? - not MIL etc).

If you plan to stay with him then I would stick on the slap and head to the wedding. However if you do not feel that you can then don't. I would suggest you get yourself to the GP as it sounds as though you need some help - although perhaps your counselling is already doing this? If you cannot go then I would get the kids ready and then 'throw up' before you are due to leave and pack them off with a smile.

Beyond that though you clearly need to sort things out. Your DP needs to get his act together and support you or you need to leave and get yourself sorted without him. This situation is doing none of you any good - this kids included.

This thread is crazy.

People's responses to weddings are crazy. I feel like there has been alot of self projecting on this thread.

No thhete hasn't. There has been a consistent message that yo not just show up is rude and that this wedding is about the couple (who have done nothing wrong) not you.