Aibu to not go to this wedding?

[Kinderoo]

Dp has a family wedding coming up this week. Aibu not to go. I'm just tired of him and his family constantly putting my needs second and their needs first.

I've had a hard couple of years with all of them and it felt like dp and me was finally making improvements but lately all we have been doing is bickering again and he has NOT been listening to me or my wants. He has been very neglectful.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married myself, we have dc. I'm aware that me not going to this will most likely severe all ties with him and his family and will cause unthinkable damage.

But after spending over ahundred on my clothes and gift (it's a very formal wedding) I'm starting to wonder why I'm always the one that bends my back and gives gives gives.

All just to make him and his bloody family happy. When no one cares about me.

So Aibu to say to dp I'm having serious doubts about not going?

Your posts do that for me.

Honestly, you sound hysterical and incoherent. I hope you get the RL support you need and deserve.

As in even when it came down to me choosing my dress I was put under immense pressure and stress and had it practically chosen for me by mil. Mil keeps telling me how to do my hair and how to dress dc.

That's just a minor example. I did some reflecting with counsellor and told him I felt last in my own life, in my own choices. Its not as simple as you all just put it as "then just do it". I can't because if I upset everyone then there is a massive backlash. In laws live with us at the moment whilst they look for somewhere to live so it's not like I can escape them or their dictations.

Mil wanted me to clear a whole day just to take her to the place of the wedding so she can look around! My life just feels like I'm here for everyone else other than me.

As in even when it came down to me choosing my dress I was put under immense pressure and stress and had it practically chosen for me by mil. Mil keeps telling me how to do my hair and how to dress dc.

For your wedding or as a wedding guest?

For the wedding this Saturday. Not my own. But I'm sure for my own she will have an opinion.

One of dc has had a bad infection and now mil is saying they have to go. No one has even consulted me about my own child for God sake! If dc is too sick to go dc (who is 12 months old) will not be going.

Again, care to explain, give an example?

I'd go off and stay with my own mum, either until this wedding was over or (preferably) for a very protracted stay.

You poor thing. You sound absolutely cornered and as though you can barely breathe without having some kind of diktat issued. I'd find it intolerable to live like this.

So by sacrificing your home you mean your in laws moved in and you had no say in this?

you don’t feel able to say no to your mother in law and she is dictating everything that happens in your home and with your children.

if you don’t feel you have a voice then it sounds like you are in an controlling relationship.

for most people the problems you have described would be annoying. But manageable.

you can’t seem to assert yourself and say no to these people. I am sure your counsellor has explored why that is.

in your circumstance I would have said no the in laws moving in. I would have politely declined the wedding invitation when received if I really didn’t want to go and I would have laughed at MIL and told her she gets no way in whether my sick baby attends a wedding or not.

But then I would have left at the point of the domestic violence. It is never forgivable.

I don’t think there is much more anyone can do or say here that will help you.

inhave a friend who used to be a counsellor but gave it up becomes people just complained to her about their problems but would act to resolve them. I can see that frustration.

you need to stop complaint to us and take action. Or live with this misery. Entirely up to you

Why are you marrying a man who hit you?
Why are marrying into a family of enmeshed monsters who tell you you deserved to be hit by their son?

You're focusing on this upcoming wedding in order to avoid thinking about the real issue - which is - you are in a coercively controlling relationship with your b/f AND HIS FAMILY.

If you were not, you'd be able to say "not attending, but you have a great day" & they would say "ok then."
You would be able to say "thanks for thinking of me, but I'm sorting out my own dress & hair" & his mother would say "great, can't wait to see it".

So tell me why you are opting for more abuse by marrying into this family?

No my counsellor has never helped me with asserting myself. I know i can't do it. I've been used to living in a controlling environment and obviously I thought I had a handle on it but I don't. I can't say no to anyone. I can't speak up for myself. I'm such a pathetic human being.

I don't feel like I'm part of this family

I don't think I can forgive his family or him

I don't know if I even want to be part of this family

Please help me to navigate this in a coherent and mature way to my partner tonight

Bump. Please.

Can you leave for a couple of days. Get some physical and mental space.

PILs must leave the family home and move into rented or an air bnb. This is intolerable.

No my counsellor has never helped me with asserting myself.
Then you need to change counsellor.
See your GP for advice on how to do that, & how to get help with addressing the domestic abuse you & your DC are living with.

I know i can't do it. I've been used to living in a controlling environment and obviously I thought I had a handle on it but I don't. I can't say no to anyone. I can't speak up for myself. I'm such a pathetic human being.
You will find your voice again when you are no longer living under the roof of your 2 main controllers - DP & his mother.

I don't feel like I'm part of this family
You're not. You were a womb to produce the next grandchild. And a punchbag.

I don't think I can forgive his family or him
No need to. He's an abiusive piece of shit, his mother enables him & controls you.

I don't know if I even want to be part of this family
Excellent. At last.

Please help me to navigate this in a coherent and mature way to my partner tonight
Certainly not.
What use would words be in your situation?
If he wanted to stop being horrible to you, he'd have done it years ago.
If there was anything you could say he would listen to - he would have heard it years ago.
Don't tell him a single thing. Keep all your plans secret.

If you want help escaping - call Womens Aid, call Shelter, call Housing Associations.
And keep posting here for advice - if you tell PP your current housing set-up, who is on the tenancy/deeds, what your previous work experience is & how old your DC are, they may be able to help.
And you can then maybe stop snarking at PP who have highlighted what is so dreadfully wrong with your relationship, & start accepting their well-meant advice in order to plan an escape from your horrible b/f & his awful family.

Where are your family OP, your parents, siblings, good Friends?