Aibu to not go to this wedding?

[Kinderoo]

Dp has a family wedding coming up this week. Aibu not to go. I'm just tired of him and his family constantly putting my needs second and their needs first.

I've had a hard couple of years with all of them and it felt like dp and me was finally making improvements but lately all we have been doing is bickering again and he has NOT been listening to me or my wants. He has been very neglectful.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married myself, we have dc. I'm aware that me not going to this will most likely severe all ties with him and his family and will cause unthinkable damage.

But after spending over ahundred on my clothes and gift (it's a very formal wedding) I'm starting to wonder why I'm always the one that bends my back and gives gives gives.

All just to make him and his bloody family happy. When no one cares about me.

So Aibu to say to dp I'm having serious doubts about not going?

Time to leave your DP. This wedding has brought everything to a head.

If he is lazy now he will only get more lazy and selfish. You can't live your life like that, it will slowly kill you.

I decided a few years ago never to do anything for someone else that makes me feel resentful. I have no idea why you're with this worthless bloke! Actually, YOU should be putting yourself first. You're moaning that his family are not doing so, but neither are you. Why not tell him it's over and then you have very good reason why you're not attending and who gives a fuck what they think when you won't have to tolerate them any more? Take control of this situation and stop letting yourself be walked over.

The wedding is not about you!

Don't go. You'll feel so much better having his family out of your life. You'll feel even better getting him out of your face.

OP I’ve only read your posts not other peoples. You are coming across a whinging teenager but that makes sense as your life sounds difficult but you are control of your life not other people. All your comments are about why you don’t want to go to the wedding due your DP - you’re supposed to be getting married (but I’m guessing your not?), he assaulted you (is he abusive is other ways?) you think he is lazy so you do everything for him (stop doing it, did he ask you to remind him about his suit or do you feel the need to?), you paid for a gift from DP (you’re a couple with children so why not a joint gift and again why are you doing things for him, you can just stop).

I think this thread is more about your relationship than you realise. I think you need to go to the wedding and then take some tome to decide if you want to continue your relationship and what terms you’re willing to do if you want to. You’re the only one who can put yourself first, so start being an example to your children and do it. It’s not DP’s responsibility and certainly not his family’s, it’s yours.

Your problem is your DP, not the wedding. Sounds like you need to split up.

I gathered that. But I don't know these people. I'm going for dp. But dp has been an arse to me so why am I going to show up on his arm pretending to be sweet with him.

I'd be doing it for him. He doesn't deserve anything from me

The solution is obviously to not go to the wedding and to not marry this man and to end the relationship.

Anything else is madness. He's already been violent towards you, what are you waiting for?

You have pemission to leave at any time. If you don't then you need to ask yourself why.

I know why. Because I've got no where to go and no support. But that's for another thread.

Then don't go. You don't need our permission. Unless you're worried he'll be violent?

THE.
WEDDING.
IS.
NOT.
THE.
ISSUE.
HERE.

You are worrying about the wrong thing. Your partner has been physically aggressive towards you, and is currently being horrible to you, treats you like shit and never puts you first. You don't feel he 'deserves' to have you attend a wedding with him and you hate his horrible family. JUST LEAVE HIM. You don't even like this man, FFS. Whether or not you go to this wedding is neither here nor there - your relationship is awful either way.

So ask him to go. Tell him you're not going to the wedding, neither are the kids and when he comes back you'll have packed him some bags so he can go and stay at his Mom's. Obv he can refuse but I think it's important to make your intentions clear. Then set about selling the house or looking for a rental.

You do realise by not turning up you will be the one that looks bad. Not your DP and certainly not your MIL. It is more likely that people will sympathise with them thus further alienating you. Where is your family?

Well you need to look at your options then.

What is your income and housing situation?

To those who said I accepted the invitation I didn't. Dp never asked me. Everyone just assumed I was going. I never said yes or no to anyone
You're engaged, of course the expectation would be that you'd go without having to ask you specifically. It would be odd otherwise.

You had an argument, a violent one for that matter. He gave his side of the story to his family and of course they took his side, just as you'd rightly expect your family to take yours.

You seem to expect a lot of personal attention from his family that doesn't make sense. If you didn't want to go to the wedding, why didn't you say so from the start? Why did you get the suit for your fiancé. That makes no sense.

I can imagine that you are dreading this wedding and building it up in your mind because of your previous experiences with these people.
Some of the resentment and not wanting to go seems to be that previous problems like the abuse are raising their heads because you have to attend this event and pretend all is well.
I think you need to separate out the two strands here.

1. the wedding..and 2) your disappointment with DP's behaviour, which as you say improved but is now going backwards.

To be frank, although you don't want to go, it may be easier for you personally to turn up and phone it in, smile and wave, knowing that they cannot throw this back at you as an example of how you are difficult at every conversation.

If it was a normal party, no one would remember but they are already siting a previous wedding as an example. Are you brining your DC, you could just focus on them and ignore MIL et all.
I say this because despite not wanting to go, you may find it much easier on yourself if you make a calculated decision to take a deep breath and Get it out of the way, since you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Instead of a week of arguments in the run up, you can relax because you've made a decision that you will attend to get it out of the way and that is part of your strategy for managing all the other stuff once the wedding is done and you don't have it thrown at you in every discussion which only distracts from your real issues. Also I think attending will be easier if you have made it your own decision.
This may go against the grain, but it will solve one unimportant argument because I think you have a whole separate thread to focus on which is DP's behaviour
Resentment. Part of this seems centred on that its you who has to pay and source gifts for his family, its you who has to make sure the whole family and your DP have purchased outfits for the event. You have to facilitate meetings with people who are not nice to you because DP is too lazy and you get no thanks for your efforts. You need to stop facilitating him. He finds and buys gifts or they don't happen. You get your outfit and the kids and he can turn up in jeans..
But I think that your problems with him are deeper than that and its good that you have a real life advisor to talk to. Best of luck.

Look @Kinderoo I have voted YABU as you are conflating this wedding with your relationship with your DP and in laws

Not going to a family wedding to prove your point re your relationship with your DP / in laws, will not do you any favours. If your DP's family already think negatively about you, it will just cement their feeling against you.

You need to decide:

• Do you want to carry on in your relationship with your DP?


• Do you want an amicable relationship with his family?

If the answer to the first question is yes - you need to go to this wedding.
If it's 'no' - sod it - do what you like, but be clear with DP.

If the answer to the 2nd question is 'yes' - well you need to suck it up and be gracious for the day.
If the answer to the 2nd question is 'no' - well you still need to be a gracious guest on the day, then go nc with them.

I don't see why I owe them anything anymore
Attending a wedding of your partner's family is not something you normally do to make them happy, it's something most people enjoy doing together.

If you didn't want to go you should have made it clear from the time of the invite, not a week before. Doing so now is rude and childlike.

If you are unhappy, move on but don't make it that they should be treating you like a fragile child.

I think it is about time for you to grow up.
At such short notice only death or being in hospital or having a very infectious disease are acceptable excuses.
This is your opportunity to impress, you have your outfit, your have bought a present.
Now, it sounds like you don't care for "smalltalk", but it is really quite easy. At weddings you can always start the ball rolling (with people you don't know) by asking:
how they know the bride and groom
have they travelled far to be there
suitable comments about the weather
plans for holidays
and all 101 other topics. Make it about them, not you and it will be fine.
As for pressure, well I assume your "D"P, at least, wants to show you off and perhaps his mother is also keen to introduce you as a forthcoming member of the family?

You need to make an adult choice - either be with him, which involves being a member of the family and going to things that you’ve accepted as a couple, or discuss that you don’t want to go way earlier. Or leave. Find yourself. Make your own choices. Start anew. That might take time, some research, but if you already have a counsellor then you’ve already got some help.

I'd choose another hill to die on OP as this is something that seems important now but could cause real ructions and have a long term impact.

He has been such an arse you wont gp to a wedding where other people are expecting you and have paid, yet not such an arse that ypu are staying with him and getting married? Madness. I agree with pp you sound like a teenager

You are lashing out at the wrong people.

you are in a crappy relationship and you do t like your in laws.

this is entirely in your control and has nothing to do with this wedding.

if you are that unhappy leave your partner. Your in laws sound like awful people - but you expect them to change. They won’t. You expect them to all of a sudden see the error of their ways and apologise they won’t.

but you are the only person who can fix this - you are the mistress of your owns destiny. Stop blaming every one else - take responsibility for your own life and make some choices.

sulking about a wedding invitation and even skipping it at the last minute is not how you should deal with how unhappy you are in your relationship.

I do want to be with him. But I don't want to be with his family. And if its a breaking point then I guess that is us done. But dp knows how horrible his parents have been to me.. So it's up to him just as much as its up to me

You're using the wedding as a way to vent all your frustrations with your partner and family. I would definitely go to the wedding as it will cause such a rift otherwise and impact the kids relationship with them too. Don't do anymore organising though. If he forgets to pick up his suit that's his issue.

Once the wedding is over sort out all the things making you unhappy.