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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not go to this wedding?

241 replies

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 10:39

Dp has a family wedding coming up this week. Aibu not to go. I'm just tired of him and his family constantly putting my needs second and their needs first.

I've had a hard couple of years with all of them and it felt like dp and me was finally making improvements but lately all we have been doing is bickering again and he has NOT been listening to me or my wants. He has been very neglectful.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married myself, we have dc. I'm aware that me not going to this will most likely severe all ties with him and his family and will cause unthinkable damage.

But after spending over ahundred on my clothes and gift (it's a very formal wedding) I'm starting to wonder why I'm always the one that bends my back and gives gives gives.

All just to make him and his bloody family happy. When no one cares about me.

So Aibu to say to dp I'm having serious doubts about not going?

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 23/05/2022 10:54

It would be normal for you to be invited as your engaged and have dc op. So your dh accepted on your behalf. It would be automatic for me to attend my dh family event, unless I was ill.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2022 10:55

Well again you are not being very specific. You don't feel like you can do something for yourself it gets in the way ofhim and his family? What does that even mean? If I wanted a shopping day with my friends but it clashed with something like a birthday celebration for his family I would be inclined to go to the family thing, if it was just popping round to see them then it would be my day with friends that win.

newplanneeded · 23/05/2022 10:55

sounds like this wedding is like a magnifying glass that highlights the problems between you and DP / DP family.

sorting out his suit etc, thats a mothering role, not a equal partner.

is it possible that you know it will be hard to leave him, but if you not go to the wedding it will create such a rift it might be a initiator for you to change your life?

Original poster

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 10:58

I guess no one will really understand unless I explain things.

For example dp got physical with me once and his parents sided with him and didn't ask about me. If anything they said I provoked him. This was years ago but his parents never apologised to me and its ate away at me ever since.

OP posts:

Terribletooths · 23/05/2022 10:58

You can't really take out your qualms with DH on the wedding this close in. But you do need to address your concerns with DH that you're feeling underappreciated.

Also aren't some men idiots when it comes to chasing things like suits and appointments? It's not unheard of.

Just go, take a break for the night, maybe it's cabin fever, maybe its not. Eat food, drink wine and just let it go for the night.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2022 10:59

Well yes DP would reply for both of you, and let you know the date. Did your MIL actually say those words or do you think that's what she said.

10HailMarys · 23/05/2022 10:59

But I'm tired of doing things for him/his family all their way. This is a big ask for me as its with lots of people I don't know

Going to a family wedding isn't 'a big ask'. There will always be people at weddings that you don't know.

Clearly there's a lot more going on here than this one wedding. If you think not going to this wedding really well 'sever all ties' between your DP and his family, and you're still planning not to go, then I doubt your planned marriage to your DP is ever going to happen.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/05/2022 10:59

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 10:58

I guess no one will really understand unless I explain things.

Your problem is very clearly that you need to end your relationship. The wedding is irrelevant.

Original poster

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:00

Mil told me. Because the last family wedding we didn't go to as dp was sick and she blamed me for ruining it.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 23/05/2022 11:00

Why didn't you leave then? You are blaming the wrong people here op it's your dp here you need to leave and extension the inlaws. But your inlaws aren't to blame your dp is. I'm wondering if see this happy couple is bringing your feels forward of your uncertainty within your relationship. In my first post your reply was you didn't want to leave your dp it wasn't him but op he is the problem.

Original poster

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:01

So she said she won't let me ruin this one by not going again.

OP posts:

Notagain76 · 23/05/2022 11:01

You sound bitter. Why should his parents side with you or even apologise, you forgiven your partner. What do you want all the attention and glory? Im not saying you've not had a hard time as i don't know but you don't seem to want to be part of a bigger family. What's your relationship like with your family?

Original poster

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:02

@Bananarama21 no actually my problem lies with the parents. Dp apologised and we took up counselling for it. His parents defended him
That is wrong and I can't forgive them since they have never admitted this

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 23/05/2022 11:02

Well tbh pp the last family wedding you didn't attend the couple had paid out money you could have still attended on behalf of your dp. Your now wanting to do the same when the couple again have paid for your places.

Original poster

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:03

@Notagain76 i am bitter. Because they never apologised. Even before when I hadn't forgiven dp they could of apologised for victim blaming me. It made me realise that they aren't my family because at the end of the day when push comes to shove they will always chose dp over me.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 23/05/2022 11:03

Op your problem is your relationship his parents didn't hit you he did. You need to accept your problem is your dp and how he treats you.

Original poster

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:04

@Bananarama21 no one paid for our place. It was a wedding in a garden.... There was no food involved or hiring of anything.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 23/05/2022 11:04

They will choose their son its there son op. You decided to forgive him for hitting you that's on you not them. This relationship sounds toxic and there's children to consider here.

Original poster

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:05

So again I have to go? Because what? I owe something to these people? Because it would be rude not to?

What the hell about me in all of this?! Where do I place in my own life. Jesus I'm done with this. I'm going to speak to my counsellor tonight. I'm leaving this thread as I've clearly got my answer

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 23/05/2022 11:05

Op your wanting to skip out of this wedding now after you both didnt attend the last when you state its formal so they will have paid for your place for the upcoming wedding. You seem to be using the inlaws as a scapegoat without addressing your issue with your dp.

Bananarama21 · 23/05/2022 11:07

Whilst punishing the bride and groom at the same time.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 23/05/2022 11:08

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:04

@Bananarama21 no one paid for our place. It was a wedding in a garden.... There was no food involved or hiring of anything.

No reception or anything at all? Sounds odd.

Most people attend weddings with people there they don't know.

You taking things out on your IL will resolve nothing. It was their son that hurt you.

JohannSebastianBach · 23/05/2022 11:08

You won't get an apology from them. But they aren't the problem, your partner is.

With all this going on you really should rethink getting married. It won't get any better because you have exchanged vows.

I would go and make the best of it and have a long hard think about what you want in the future.

Good that you are having counselling. Use that to reflect on your best course of action.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 23/05/2022 11:09

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:05

So again I have to go? Because what? I owe something to these people? Because it would be rude not to?

What the hell about me in all of this?! Where do I place in my own life. Jesus I'm done with this. I'm going to speak to my counsellor tonight. I'm leaving this thread as I've clearly got my answer

You didn't go last time. Places will have been booked and meals paid for.

Original poster

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 11:10

Yes I get it everyone. Money matters more than my feelings. I will be a good girl and go to make everyone happy

OP posts:

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