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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not go to this wedding?

241 replies

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 10:39

Dp has a family wedding coming up this week. Aibu not to go. I'm just tired of him and his family constantly putting my needs second and their needs first.

I've had a hard couple of years with all of them and it felt like dp and me was finally making improvements but lately all we have been doing is bickering again and he has NOT been listening to me or my wants. He has been very neglectful.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married myself, we have dc. I'm aware that me not going to this will most likely severe all ties with him and his family and will cause unthinkable damage.

But after spending over ahundred on my clothes and gift (it's a very formal wedding) I'm starting to wonder why I'm always the one that bends my back and gives gives gives.

All just to make him and his bloody family happy. When no one cares about me.

So Aibu to say to dp I'm having serious doubts about not going?

OP posts:
PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 23/05/2022 17:36

*there and you do not

Original poster
Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 17:39

It's the fact that after everything I've disclosed on here all that people seem fixated on is that fact that it will be rude

Do you think I really care about coming across rude in the grand scheme of things. Because I really couldn't give a damn and trust me when I say the bride and groom won't care if 1 person out of 150 doesn't turn up.

They won't lose sleep over it so you know what I won't either!

OP posts:
Blarting · 23/05/2022 17:40

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 17:24

People's responses to weddings are crazy. I feel like there has been alot of self projecting on this thread.

No I don't think that's the case, I think it's a consistent you can't just not show up. Which would be very rude.

I get you don't like the responses, then AIBU is probably not a good place for you.

Blarting · 23/05/2022 17:41

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 17:39

It's the fact that after everything I've disclosed on here all that people seem fixated on is that fact that it will be rude

Do you think I really care about coming across rude in the grand scheme of things. Because I really couldn't give a damn and trust me when I say the bride and groom won't care if 1 person out of 150 doesn't turn up.

They won't lose sleep over it so you know what I won't either!

Fine, you've made your mind up, you never really wanted opinions did you?

Bluevelvetsofa · 23/05/2022 17:42

You really can’t have it all ways. Who are you hurting by not going to the wedding? The answer is you, because it will ruin your relationship with your partner be his family.

If you want to stay with him, you have to put up with the things you don’t like about him, including violence, because he isn’t going to change because you say so, or want him to.

Stamping your foot and saying you’re not going, is behaving in a childish manner. Decide whether you want to stay with this man or not, because if you are, you’ll have to accept everything that comes with that.

Mellowyellow222 · 23/05/2022 17:44

I think people are frustrated becomes you are doing a lot of complaining - people are offering f solutions but you refuse them all.

you are deeply upset and angry about your in laws expecting you to attend a family wedding. No one really understand this as most people attend family weddings. You are annoyed they expected you to go without asking - why didn’t you speak up?

its odd to be this angry over an invitation. If it really makes you feel like this don’t go - it’s rude to pull out so late but apologise and send a nice gift.

but i suspect you still won’t be happy because you are miserable in your relationship, your partner isn’t what you want. You hate his family and want him to cut ties with them. Even if he did would you be happy. You’d still have him and he doesn’t sound like a prize.

it is frustrating to listen to x on me one complain so bitterly about the consequences of their own actions. You picked him. You stayed with him. You won’t leave him. You didn’t decline the wedding invite.

change your life or embrace it. But all this negativity and anger must be awful for you and everyone around you.

WhatsHoppening · 23/05/2022 17:47

Mellowyellow222 · 23/05/2022 17:44

I think people are frustrated becomes you are doing a lot of complaining - people are offering f solutions but you refuse them all.

you are deeply upset and angry about your in laws expecting you to attend a family wedding. No one really understand this as most people attend family weddings. You are annoyed they expected you to go without asking - why didn’t you speak up?

its odd to be this angry over an invitation. If it really makes you feel like this don’t go - it’s rude to pull out so late but apologise and send a nice gift.

but i suspect you still won’t be happy because you are miserable in your relationship, your partner isn’t what you want. You hate his family and want him to cut ties with them. Even if he did would you be happy. You’d still have him and he doesn’t sound like a prize.

it is frustrating to listen to x on me one complain so bitterly about the consequences of their own actions. You picked him. You stayed with him. You won’t leave him. You didn’t decline the wedding invite.

change your life or embrace it. But all this negativity and anger must be awful for you and everyone around you.

100000000 x this

ErinAoife · 23/05/2022 17:48

To avoid any conflict just do not say anything that you don't want to go to your husband and on the day pretend to be sick vomiting bug or whatever you want and your problem is solved.

FlissyPaps · 23/05/2022 17:52

OP, your other half and in laws sound like hard work & to put it simply, not very nice people. It sounds like they’ve completely broke you as a person and smashed all your independence and self worth.

Obviously none of us know your relationship. But from what you have told us, I would run a mile. Any decent man wouldn’t lay a finger on his partner. Any decent man wouldn’t allow his parents to control his future wife. Please don’t let any of them control you.

You are your own person. You have your own identity. Don’t let anybody speak for you, tell you what to do, tell you what to feel.

If you don’t want to go to the wedding. Don’t go. Ignore all the shit about “it’s rude to the bride and groom” .. “they will have paid for your own place” shit. They won’t care. They won’t notice. Loads of food gets wasted at wedding. Hundreds of pounds worth.

I would find it more rude if someone turned up to my wedding who didn’t want to be there. What is the point of having uncomfortable guests who would rather be anywhere else?

If your in laws think you’ll “ruin” the wedding by not attending, let them. Let them think whatever they want. Let them say whatever they want. It’s says more about them than you.

Now, tell your DP exactly how you feel. Tell him everything. Everything you’ve told us on this thread. Emphasise how his parents make you feel. Don’t hold back. If he’s worth marrying, then he’ll be supportive. If he’s not supportive, then he’s not worth marrying. At all.

If you go ahead and marry him. Then I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can live a content life.

If you don’t marry him and leave him, then I promise this is not the end of the world. You will have the freedom to do whatever you want with your life away from the comments and behaviours of his parents.

Life is hard. Neither choices will be easy. But have a very good, long think about what you really want out of life. What do you desire your life to look like? You probably already know the answer deep down.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 23/05/2022 17:55

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 17:39

It's the fact that after everything I've disclosed on here all that people seem fixated on is that fact that it will be rude

Do you think I really care about coming across rude in the grand scheme of things. Because I really couldn't give a damn and trust me when I say the bride and groom won't care if 1 person out of 150 doesn't turn up.

They won't lose sleep over it so you know what I won't either!

I really don't think you actually wanted any help. People have said it's rude because it is bloody rude and inconsiderate. It is what people think of what you are planning. Thing is the second time you will have done it. Plus you have some strange ideas about what weddings are like.

What do you want people to say.

You may not care but you are coming across extremely strange and negative. Only you can change the course in your life.

LIZS · 23/05/2022 17:56

If you don't go you need to accept that your relationship with dp as well as his family is likely over. He is repeatedly choosing them over you and this sill not change. How old are dc? If you don't go will they?

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2022 18:01

You've stayed with a physically abusive man whose family enable him.

What do you honestly expect? You should leave this toxicity - there’s only misery in your future if you stay.

The wedding is irrelevant.

schwarzkopf · 23/05/2022 18:10

This was a day well spent

Eightiesfan · 23/05/2022 18:20

OP, you are obviously not in the right frame of mind to take on the Monster-in-Law. In your place I would definitely not be going to the weather.

Your mental health is far more important than a wedding for people you don’t even know and to placate what sounds like a very unreasonable woman, who clearly does not like you.

Speak to your DP, tell him how you feel, but don’t be bullied into going if you don’t want to. I’m not going to comment on whether you should marry him or not, that’s for you to decide, but his reaction to your reasons for not going will be telling.

I have my fingers crossed, that he can understand how you feel and will be supportive.

Eightiesfan · 23/05/2022 18:20

*wedding, not weather doh!

MoobsAreNotBoobs · 23/05/2022 18:31

People don’t think straight when it comes to weddings. Weddings are really not that important in the grand scheme of things. Who cares if anyone sees it as rude and inconsiderate when there’s bigger things that matter.

Pipsquiggle · 23/05/2022 18:34

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 17:39

It's the fact that after everything I've disclosed on here all that people seem fixated on is that fact that it will be rude

Do you think I really care about coming across rude in the grand scheme of things. Because I really couldn't give a damn and trust me when I say the bride and groom won't care if 1 person out of 150 doesn't turn up.

They won't lose sleep over it so you know what I won't either!

@Kinderoo
No.
Pretty much everyone has told you 'It's not about the wedding' and you fixating on it, on whether to go or not, will not help your situation and it's come across as petty.

The relationship with your DP is what you need to focus on. Is he worth it?

Whatever you decide, I hope it's good for you and gets you to a better place Flowers

Cherrysoup · 23/05/2022 18:58

I’d be upset if someone I’d planned for didn’t turn up to my wedding, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world, the money is already spent. There are much deeper issues here-bullying mil, inconsiderate dp. I think it would be a mistake to marry him. Stop setting for this relationship, he is not treating you well.

whynotwhatknot · 23/05/2022 19:01

Funny years ago my cousin pulled out of our sisters wedding with a week to go apparently it doesnt matter it was enough time to cancel according to mn

now you get people saying how rude you cantdo that to them

anyway

dont go t the wedding op and dont stay with this man and his family they all sound toxic

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 23/05/2022 19:05

Kinderoo · 23/05/2022 17:39

It's the fact that after everything I've disclosed on here all that people seem fixated on is that fact that it will be rude

Do you think I really care about coming across rude in the grand scheme of things. Because I really couldn't give a damn and trust me when I say the bride and groom won't care if 1 person out of 150 doesn't turn up.

They won't lose sleep over it so you know what I won't either!

Then why did you start the bloody thread? Did you just want people to cheerlead a decision you’d already made? Well for the most part, it hasn’t happened, so you’re throwing a strop - much like you’re doing over this wedding. There seems to be a theme building here.

You seem to want to confront everything except the real problem. Your partner was violent, but your mad at his parents because they supported him and not you. You don’t like the way he’s behaving, so to punish him, you’re making someone else’s wedding about you. Maybe it’s time to stop looking for scapegoats and look forward an escape route instead.

tkwal · 23/05/2022 19:32

Kinderoo
No, sorry if I was harsh and they all really are as bad as you say. You sounded an awful lot like my son in law . I hope you find happiness either with or without your current partner

Crankley · 23/05/2022 19:34

Have the Bride and Groom personally done or said something to you which has upset you? If yes. then don't go to their wedding. If no, then not going to their wedding will be very rude and it's not their fault.

Be an adult, pull yourself together, attend the wedding, after which you need to deal with the real issue which is your DP.

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 23/05/2022 19:44

This whole thing sounds bizarre and you sound hysterical.

It seems that you're perpetually angry at your in-laws because they prioritise their son over you?

Your partner has hit you and you've decided to stay with him?

You never agreed to go to this wedding, but you've bought an outfit to wear to it and a gift for the couple.

You won't know anybody there, but you'll be with your DP and it's a family wedding.

And somewhere in the middle of this there's children? Well fuck me!

Of course its rude to pull out of a wedding a week before the big day, just because you don't want to go.

Giraffesandbottoms · 23/05/2022 20:52

Exactly what @Mellowyellow222 said!!!! What you’re complaining about doesn’t make any sense when you are overlooking the actual problems

PinkyFlamingo · 23/05/2022 20:54

no actually my problem lies with the parents. Dp apologised and we took up counselling for it. His parents defended him
That is wrong and I can't forgive them since they have never admitted this

I'm sorry but you are in complete denial. So you can forgive him for hitting you but not his parents for depending him? How screwed up is that!