Aibu to not go to this wedding?

[Kinderoo]

Dp has a family wedding coming up this week. Aibu not to go. I'm just tired of him and his family constantly putting my needs second and their needs first.

I've had a hard couple of years with all of them and it felt like dp and me was finally making improvements but lately all we have been doing is bickering again and he has NOT been listening to me or my wants. He has been very neglectful.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married myself, we have dc. I'm aware that me not going to this will most likely severe all ties with him and his family and will cause unthinkable damage.

But after spending over ahundred on my clothes and gift (it's a very formal wedding) I'm starting to wonder why I'm always the one that bends my back and gives gives gives.

All just to make him and his bloody family happy. When no one cares about me.

So Aibu to say to dp I'm having serious doubts about not going?

I wouldn’t go to the wedding but I would end the relationship. He has been violent, he doesn’t seem to make you happy and his family sound awful. Please realise you deserve better, you can actually have a happy life. This just sounds miserable and life is too short.

So you're leaving the thread because you're not getting the answers you want?

Going to a wedding is not a sacrifice and doesn’t mean putting yourself last! Dare I say it, but some people even enjoy themselves! It is quite a normal thing to do, to attend weddings of family members or of partner’s family members.

Your relationship doesn’t sound great, but that is nothing to do with this wedding.

You seem to have picked an odd moment to make a stance.

Its a formal wedding so your meal etc will have cost a few hundred per head. You've spent money on clothes etc. If you didn't want to go you really should have told them safely enough to cancel your place.

Are the kids going? Can you have a nice day with them, ignore the I'm laws and then come home and decide if you and DP should actually be together or not? You clearly aren't happy in your relationship

@SleepingStandingUp I didn't "chose" this moment. Back when the wedding was first taking place me and dp where in a good place and making progress. Recently he has become very sloppy and lazy and reverted back to old ways.

It's so disheartening as I only agreed to marry him since we was doing so well.

Him and dc can go for all I care. I just want no part in it anymore. I'm done things for others.

It sounds as if you’re struggling with whether you want to be in a relationship with your fiancé anymore and that, in the context of his family, you are expected to attend events without specifically being asked (by him) if it’s an invitation you want to accept.

I’m guessing you’ve been put in the position of being told you’re going to something with his family when you have something else planned or would rather not go - is that the case? If it is that I can understand the frustration that you don’t feel your opinions are taken into account - however, as others have said, it’s not fair to use this couple’s wedding as the time to stamp your feet and say ‘no more’ especially so close. The only get out clause you have at this moment in time is illness!!

In the long term you need to decide whether this relationship is a positive one for you and what difference it would make to your life if it ended!!

I totally understand your hesitation, but I think since it's so soon, and they are expecting you to be there you should go. Just this once. Then you need to work on your relationship, if you feel it's worth keeping, or leave your DH. It sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship and you are not getting what you need out of it.

It’s not an odd moment really, the wedding is another reminder of how badly OP is treated by them all.

Go to the wedding.

Then dump your useless ass DP. It sounds like an awful relationship and you'd be way better off without him.

@Rememberallball basically yes. It's always been an expectation that I must drop everything to be with them with dp doesn't even bother himself. He gets away with work whilst I have to stay at home and entertain everyone. My life has been second for so long.

I know it sounds bad but there are 150 guest going with it be so bad if I'm not there.... Really....because I'm mentally at my wits end.

I'm all for not going to weddings but I think it is rude to do it at the last minute unless it is something unavoidable, like illness.

You’ve had months presumably since you were invited. It’s not about your feelings. If you didn’t want to go you could have said months ago. Instead you’ve waited til last minute. You’ve known for months not going would cause drama, and you want us to say yes to you to make you feel better.

your relationship sounds unhealthy. Suck it up and go, or don’t go and accept the consequences of more drama and distance between you and your partner

Pulling out of a family wedding at the last minute isn’t a way to make them suddenly notice that they have been taking you for granted. Your absence won’t be that important I’m afraid OP because it will all be about the happy couple. You will just be giving them ammunition for thinking you were unreasonable to pull out at the last minute.

You need to think again.
The wedding you should perhaps be pulling out of is your own.
Go to this wedding and then separately, tackle your own relationship issues properly and with maturity.

I would hate it too. But this is one of these times where you just have to suck it up and go and make the best of it. Its only one day. Get through it as best you can.

I don't think you have to go OP, but only really if you leave him, which you should. It would just cause issues to stay with him but not go. What you should be doing is making plans to leave.

Then you need to inform the bride and groom. Totalky unfair to just not turn up.

Weddings are always about doing something for others. That's the whole point. It wouldn't be about you or any of the other guests, it's about the bride and groom.

It just feels so fake and mentally draining. Having to put on a dress and makeup and put on a facade all day. I just don't think I have it in me. I'm starting to feel really depressed.

You’ve asked if you’d be unreasonable not to go. Yes, it’s unreasonable to cancel last minute for any event where somebody else has paid for your place and won’t have enough notice to fill it for any reason except illness or an emergency, and particularly not because you’re annoyed with your boyfriend and his mother, neither of whom are the people getting married. Your MIL is no doubt on your case about making sure you go to this wedding because she’ll have been the one getting shade from other family members about her rude son and his rude girlfriend not bothering to show up to the last one.

That is such a twisted way to take all of the advice which seems to be-

It IS rude to not go to a wedding one week before, it just IS
MIL and FIL might not be great, but they are not the problem
Why on earth would you marry a man and into his family when you clearly do not like them or them you? You are setting yourself up for years of conflict and misery, why?

You get to make some serious choices her but make no mistake there are consequences-
Don't go to the wedding- this will cause family fights . The lack of apology for the historic violence is not related, so why are you conflating them? If you are ready for the fights and DH will stand by you, so do it. But be prepared.
Go to the wedding and be "good"- you are full of self loathing and grudge it. This will delay the fights and conflict, but they will come!
Leave your DH- this seems like the most suitable.

This wedding isn't the issue. Your own wedding is.

Why are you marrying an abusive man whose family you hate?

By staying in the relationship you are choosing to put yourself last, now and in the future. End this relationship - going or not going to this wedding is neither here nor there.

Don't go. No one should be made to do anything , your fiance can pull his finger out and you can start living life how YOU want to. Let him take the kids to the wedding and you have a day doing whatever you want to xxx

Never mind being a wedding guest...why are you considering marrying someone who you obviously are not compatible with - and there's no love?

Look there's only one way out of this and the wedding is not the problem. You need to split with your partner. He is not on your side, you don't have a good relationship, you never will. He assaulted you.

You either leave or keep being miserable. Those are your options, there is no in-between. Think of yourself and your children, don't let them think this is what to expect out of relationships. Leave him.

OP, you sound deeply unhappy.

How many children have you had with this man who assaulted you?

What ages are they?

You don't like his family and he doesn't sound like a good man.

Why are you contemplating marrying him.

No one forced you to get the gift or organise his suit?

Help yourself and look at your life honestly.

You sound so unhappy.

Why are you planning a wedding when you feel like this?