Aibu to not go to this wedding?

[Kinderoo]

Dp has a family wedding coming up this week. Aibu not to go. I'm just tired of him and his family constantly putting my needs second and their needs first.

I've had a hard couple of years with all of them and it felt like dp and me was finally making improvements but lately all we have been doing is bickering again and he has NOT been listening to me or my wants. He has been very neglectful.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married myself, we have dc. I'm aware that me not going to this will most likely severe all ties with him and his family and will cause unthinkable damage.

But after spending over ahundred on my clothes and gift (it's a very formal wedding) I'm starting to wonder why I'm always the one that bends my back and gives gives gives.

All just to make him and his bloody family happy. When no one cares about me.

So Aibu to say to dp I'm having serious doubts about not going?

Go, put on your best smile and stunning dress, look gorgeous, and thus you don’t give them anything to hold against you.

then seriously reconsider if you actually want this as your life. Is your partner worth it?

Gently OP - in this situation, you do not come first. The couple do; it's their wedding day, and by dropping out very last minute, you are punishing them for something your OH and his parents did (I assume the wedding isn;t that of either of his parents). Their past behaviour is NOT the couple's fault, and thus you are being selfish to not consider the couple (and yes, that includes their financial losses) in this situation.

I'm going to a wedding next month with over a hundred guests - excluding the couple, and my DH, I can count on one hand how many people I will know there (3 others to be exact). This is very common for weddings, and the 150 people going to the wedding you are talking about, where not invited just to inconvenience and upset you. I also had to remind my DH to get his suit from the cupboard, and try it on, because he's just bloody forgetful, and would have left it until the day before, had I not gently nudged him.

I agree with PPs, you need to reconsider your own relationship, and whether you are happy and want to continue in it. This is a separate issue to attending the wedding though.

You’ve already got a new outfit and bought a gift. The bride and groom don’t seem to have done anything to you. Go along, get on with it, then leave.

As an unmarried stay at home mum what’s your plan for leaving and supporting yourself and your children? Park the wedding stuff and use the next few days to look into what benefits you’ll get, where you’ll live, call your GP and ask for help if you think you’re depressed.

You’re focusing on the wrong things. Easy to do when things start getting on top of you. You know you’ll end up going to the wedding so draw a line and plan how you’re going to leave him and what the next phase of your life will look like.

What the hell about me in all of this?! Where do I place in my own life. Jesus I'm done with this. I'm going to speak to my counsellor tonight. I'm leaving this thread as I've clearly got my answer

everything sounds very dramatic and explosive. Why on earth would the wedding be focused on you?

TBH, no it wouldn't be terrible, but it depends what you want the outcome to be. If you are well and truly finished with your DH and his family, then don't go. If you are wishing to repair things, then you should go.

I've had 3 years of this I've gone through more crap than just the one incident I've mentioned. I'm allowed to feel dramatic and at a tether. You are just seeing an explosion out of my frustration

You’re entitled to feel however you feel. No one’s said otherwise. It’s what you do with the feelings that matters.

I knew this would be about DP/DH’s family before even clicking the thread.

You’ve had 3 years of this crap.

then ditch your partner, ditch the wedding and go find someone who values you!

OP, are you looking to leave or to repair?

Dp apologised and we took up counselling for it.
This is odd, it’s usually not recommended to undergo couples counselling following domestic violence, does your counsellor know about the DV?

You’re absolutely blind to the fact this is a DP problem rather than a parents problem. Ultimately there have been millions of red flags in your relationship and you’ve ignored them, which has led to this situation. Why would you wanna to get married to man who’s family treats you this, and who he himself has battered you? Your poor kids caught up in this.

There's clearly a lot of back story.

But the bottom line is if you have accepted a wedding invite - or in this case an acceptance has been issued with you included in it - it's very bad form to pull out at the last minute.

That is unless the couple getting married have done something specific to upset you
( and that doesn't just mean siding with their blood relative which most people will do).

If you want to separate from your H who sounds awful, then separate. Staying together but not attending a family wedding as some sort of stance, is not a good way to move forward.

if the wedding is the last straw, why are you staying and if Mil has always been like this and your partner has always bowed to her pressure why did you have kids with him? also FFS do not marry him.

If a guest planned to have my wedding become her battleground for her long-suffering issues within her own relationship and her inlaws, I'd be fucking raging, and I'd probably never speak to her again. Even if you had an issue with me, you come talk to me, separately from the event, and discuss it like a grown up to resolve it.

There's a time and a place to sort out your own stuff. Someone else's expensive and big happy occasion isn't it.

Stop being all woe is me and leave the relationship. Clearly you despise his family, he is not going to cut ties with them and he expects you to normal family things. He has assaulted you and treats you badly, this relationship is over. Dont go to the wedding and leave your DP

Do you know what I'd do?

I'd get dressed up, put on an act and go to the wedding. You do not need toxic people like this in your life, but be the bigger person just this once, and then cut ties with the whole stinking lot of them afterwards. Including your dp.

You’re angry at the wrong people.

You should be angry at your DP (and rightly so). You said you have forgiven him but evidently you haven’t, you’re just projecting your feelings away from and onto his family.

it’s not their fault he hit you. Switch your focus from them to your relationship and whether he is what you really want, however painful that might be. Your rage towards them is protective because it’s stopping you from having to confront the real issues at play but in the long term it’s not going to work for you

You’ll be sabotaging yourself if you don’t go, as you’re putting yourself in the wrong and everyone on DPs side can then use it against you in the future - and if they are as bad as you claim, then they will.

Take the high ground and go, then you know you have done the right thing, can take the moral high ground and you can deal with your other relationship and family issues separately.

There's a lot going on here and I really feel for you. You need to resolve things with him one way or another.

However, if an issue is them treating you like a child, don't behave like a child by having a tantrum and not going to the wedding.

YABU.

Its obvious there are issues that need addressed but your timing is off.

You not going at this late stage would redirect focus away from the B&G and onto your relationship. It’s an antagonising move that will only add to your woes in the long term.

Pretty much all weddings involve spending money on spending time with lots of people you hardly know. Suck this up, let the couple have their day without family dramatics and address the issues once it’s over.

This family wedding really isn’t the issue here, but yes you should go to this unless you were to leave your partner before the wedding takes place. Your own relationship is the issue. It’s extremely toxic and you have children to think about as well as yourself. You say how drained you are but it sounds as if the only solution is getting out of this abusive relationship.

If you don't go, they won't come to your wedding. Your choice really.

It’s unreasonable to decide you won’t go at this late stage. None of this is really about the wedding, it’s about your relationship with your partner and his family.

Most people are telling you this and yet you seem determined to inflame things by refusing to go to a family wedding. You know that if you don’t go, that will be the end of your relationship with all of them. Why not suck it up, go to the wedding, leave as soon as you decently can and be thinking about how you can disentangle yourself from your partner and his baggage.

Theres no point in throwing a fit, however much you want to, without a plan. Think logically about what you need to do to get out of the situation after this one day.

But I'm not doing this for the couple. The couple and me have no relation. I'm doing this for dp and his mother who kept pressuring me. And that's what's wrong here for me.

I don't see why I owe them anything anymore

@catscatscatseverywhere i really don't care