Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boys in girls changing at swimming

239 replies

TonksInPurple · 23/05/2022 10:06

This is not a trans issue!

my daughter 11 attends swimming lessons at a hotel pool there are several parents who insist on helping there boys age 9/10/11 in the girls open plan changing room. The hotel’s suggestion is that my daughter and her friend change in the disabled changing room.
So the girls should be pushed out there own space. The boys have no additional needs but surely if they did they should use the disabled changing room.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 23/05/2022 10:09

The cut off age should be around 9. Then if the boys need help they should go into the disabled changing room.

DustyTulips · 23/05/2022 10:14

If the boys have special meds that mean they can’t manage by themselves, the. The disabled changing room for them
and their mums would be suitable.

If they have parents who like to helicopter, or who think their behaviour isn’t good enough to be left to change by themselves, then they will need to find a different pool with changing village style options..

DustyTulips · 23/05/2022 10:15

Needs, not meds

Marblessolveeverything · 23/05/2022 10:17

Is there an official policy, there generally is. I have two boys they were with me until about 8. Earlier with younger one as his big brother was with him. I really don't understand why places don't have family cubicles in this day and age. I understand parents wanting to not let young boys be unsupervised in men's changing rooms but not to the detriment of young girls.Its the same with public toilets, I avoided going places without their dad.

TravelDreamLife · 23/05/2022 10:20

My DC go to a purpose built swim school. There's a policy of no school age boys in the change room. Doesn't stop some mothers who want to help their precious boys. One had her three boys in there.... while helping one change. It's a tiny area. There's unisex change rooms & a separate one person change room/shower that is huge so no excuse, really.

I stopped changing DD6 there for a while (it's too cold not to now) because she was being stared at & it's difficult to teach her body autonomy while she's being looked at by males. School admin do nothing. Some people don't think about anyone but themselves. I'm so peeved I'll say something next time.

x2boys · 23/05/2022 10:23

I'm not even sure why parents would do this my disabled son is 12 I would much rather use the disabled facilities, for his privacy and dignity
As its a hotel ,I'm assuming people can't just wander off the street to use the facilities surely they must be staying there or a member of the gym ,why can't the boys use the male facilities.

x2boys · 23/05/2022 10:26

TravelDreamLife · 23/05/2022 10:20

My DC go to a purpose built swim school. There's a policy of no school age boys in the change room. Doesn't stop some mothers who want to help their precious boys. One had her three boys in there.... while helping one change. It's a tiny area. There's unisex change rooms & a separate one person change room/shower that is huge so no excuse, really.

I stopped changing DD6 there for a while (it's too cold not to now) because she was being stared at & it's difficult to teach her body autonomy while she's being looked at by males. School admin do nothing. Some people don't think about anyone but themselves. I'm so peeved I'll say something next time.

Wouldn't it have made sense for the school to have either male and female changing rooms or a unisex with individual cubicles?

Hapoydayz · 23/05/2022 10:26

The hotel need to tell the boys to use the disabled facilities and not push the girls out of their own changing room. You should raise this with them again. I can’t understand how they would think the boys take priority in this situation

Onlyforcake · 23/05/2022 10:28

My son is currently looking likely will need help beyond 8. The policy is for us to then use the accessible changing room. I would email, ask for the policy about age and changing rooms but keep it gender neutral (if my partner attends or i attend with my child age x what is the sppropriate age to use the changing room unsupervised?) . I bet they gave you dud advice because they didn't want to move a group and saw you as the problem in front of them.

PineappleWilson · 23/05/2022 10:29

When DS was 10 we had to move his swimming lessons to a different pool, which had separate male and female changing, not a changing village style. As his parent, it annoyed me no end. He said he didn't know how to work the showers, so I had to go into the ladies, see how the showers work, come back out and tell him. He took ages because he could faff around and I wasn't there to chivvy him along. Frustrating yes, but it didn't mean I decided "sod this" and took him into the ladies. I would keep kicking up a fuss on this. These boys shouldn't be in the female changing.

Ozgirl75 · 23/05/2022 10:30

I have two sons and they just have a wearable towel at the poolside and take swimmers off under that, put pants and shorts on and then take the towel off. I don’t understand why anyone would take an older child into the opposite sex’s changing room - aren’t the boys crazy embarrassed too? Mine would hate to be in the women’s changing room or toilet.

BigFatLiar · 23/05/2022 10:30

Hapoydayz · 23/05/2022 10:26

The hotel need to tell the boys to use the disabled facilities and not push the girls out of their own changing room. You should raise this with them again. I can’t understand how they would think the boys take priority in this situation

Why tell the boys, sounds like it's the mums. The boys may well be embarrassed having a mum that fusses over them so much. They provably get teased by others as mummy's boys.

Some mums just don't want to let them grow.

Purringcat3 · 23/05/2022 10:32

I agree with you OP. My husband takes my daughters to swimming and they have to go alone in the changing room. 🤷‍♀️ So why can’t they? (SN aside)

PeekAtYou · 23/05/2022 10:33

It's always boys in the girls changing rooms and never the other way round when girls have longr hair making swim hats more difficult.

It's easy to see how these babied boys end up as immature adults.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 23/05/2022 10:35

Yeah, that’s absolutely not ok. Particularly by age 11 - I think 9 is the uppermost cut off for it to be ok really. And I say that as a mum of boys.

It’s not fair on the girls for very obvious reasons but it is also really isn’t fair on the boys, they must be dying of embarrassment at that age.

Sirzy · 23/05/2022 10:39

x2boys · 23/05/2022 10:23

I'm not even sure why parents would do this my disabled son is 12 I would much rather use the disabled facilities, for his privacy and dignity
As its a hotel ,I'm assuming people can't just wander off the street to use the facilities surely they must be staying there or a member of the gym ,why can't the boys use the male facilities.

I was about to say exactly the same.

Ds is 12 and he wouldn’t care at all where he got changed but for his dignity and privacy I wouldn’t take him into the ladies changing anywhere.

stayathomer · 23/05/2022 10:39

i wish there was a solution to all of this, my 12 yo uses the mens changing room and he hates it to the point he now basically just grabs towel barely dries and runs out. There is a training session after his lesson and he says some of the 17 and 18 yos are intimidating. My 14 yo is very lanky and I used to hate seeing him walk in behind grown men and used to get him to regularly shout through the door. My 9 yo is tiny and doesn’t mind but would be in trouble if anyone picked on him but his lesson is different so dh can go with him, 7yo will be lucky in that way too. I know women and girls deserve their own spaces but please just try and see that it’s not so clear cut and I understand why parents bring their boys into the womens

Squilp · 23/05/2022 10:46

The boys may well be embarrassed having a mum that fusses over them so much. They provably get teased by others as mummy's boys.

Some mums just don't want to let them grow.

This is not a nice thing to say. There are plenty of children over the age of 8 who feel uncertain about or would have difficulty getting changed by themselves. A good parent knows their child. A good parent may have very good reasons not to want their "over age" child to be changing separately from them.

Any child teasing someone else by calling them mummy's boys is firmly in the wrong and should be taught to understand that teasing someone, using sexist language and intending to make someone feel small is totally unacceptable. The fact that you would suggest hat this kind of appaling behaviour could be a good reason for a parent to not to parent their child in the best way for them and their child is really depressing.

I completely agree with PP that the solution that the solution cannot include being in the opposite sex changing room. There are other solutions.

LittleOwl153 · 23/05/2022 10:47

Really irritates me too. My dd was getting really upset about having to change infront of boys her own age when she was 10/11 and getting changed by herself because these boys mums needed to sit and watch them get dressed!

In the changing rooms there were 2 cubicles with the rest open plan and these boy mums would take up half the open plan space. Dd tried to use the cubicle but was pushed out of there by a couple of older girls as there was no way they were getting changed in front of the boys - and they left their stuff in them so they bagged then after class too. In the end I went in to the changing room 10 before the end of class and asked a pool attendant to remove the clothes etc in the cubicle- signs all over saying they would do that usually ignored - and dumped dd's stuff in there and waited for her. By the time these girls discovered their stuff in reception the changing room was clear. THEY then objected to the boys and management took it more seriously. But the mothers still tried it on. At 11 for god sake - are they going to follow them to secondary school to ensure they change correctly for PE?!? Thankfully they refurbished a few years ago to village style (which my 8yr old BOY loves getting sorted by himself in!)

axolotlfloof · 23/05/2022 10:47

PeekAtYou · 23/05/2022 10:33

It's always boys in the girls changing rooms and never the other way round when girls have longr hair making swim hats more difficult.

It's easy to see how these babied boys end up as immature adults.

I totally support single sex changing facilities.
However the problem (as ever) is men.
When my boys were small but too old to change with me I did worry about them in the men's changing rooms.
It does feel quite risky sending your small boy into a changing facility with strange men.
However my kids didn't want to go in the ladies and had strict instructions to leave (even if they weren't finished) if a man approached them and to stay together.
OPs daughter does have a right to change in privacy away from boys, and the hotel should be supporting her.

Simonjt · 23/05/2022 10:49

TravelDreamLife · 23/05/2022 10:20

My DC go to a purpose built swim school. There's a policy of no school age boys in the change room. Doesn't stop some mothers who want to help their precious boys. One had her three boys in there.... while helping one change. It's a tiny area. There's unisex change rooms & a separate one person change room/shower that is huge so no excuse, really.

I stopped changing DD6 there for a while (it's too cold not to now) because she was being stared at & it's difficult to teach her body autonomy while she's being looked at by males. School admin do nothing. Some people don't think about anyone but themselves. I'm so peeved I'll say something next time.

They expect four year olds to change independently after swimming? I would have been waiting for hours if mine was left alone at that age, the lifeguards would also have to keep a very close eye that none made it back poolside.

Georgeskitchen · 23/05/2022 10:50

Non SEN children of 9/10/11should not need their mother to dress them

Icannever · 23/05/2022 10:51

It’s quite difficult actually. I have two boys, 9 and 11 and we are members of a hotel swimming pool. They always go to the boys changing rooms, I would never bring them into the girls but I don’t like the set up of the mens at all. There are no cubicles at all to get changed in so they are in with totally random naked men which is pretty weird! The ladies changing room has 3 cubicles and the mens none!
Ive done the same as a previous poster and given them changing robes/wearable towels so they don’t feel uncomfortable. I think there should be cubicles for the boys though

Samcro · 23/05/2022 10:52

Ponoka7 · 23/05/2022 10:09

The cut off age should be around 9. Then if the boys need help they should go into the disabled changing room.

only if they have sn

Swayingpalmtrees · 23/05/2022 10:52

Unisex family changing rooms should be available in every leisure centre along with the single sex facilities for men/women - boys and girls. Why is it so hard to implement such a basic function such as providing safe changing areas for everyone.