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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ILs refusing to use my name

340 replies

namechangedasouting · 22/05/2022 12:21

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 22/05/2022 12:26

We are the same, though dh and I have been married 25 years. Ds, who is 16 was very annoyed this week when his great aunt (on my side so no attachment to dhs name) sent a card addressed to Mr Hisname leaving off my half of the name. All you can do is pull her up on it when she does it in person and seethe about it at home I'm afraid though

Jedsnewstar · 22/05/2022 12:27

“MIL you are incorrect their names are/my name is….” Each and every time. Be firm with her.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 22/05/2022 12:30

Let it go. I completely understand why it’s irritating and could be seen as hurtful and insulting, but this is only a real problem if you allow it to be one in your head. Otherwise it’s just granny being overly traditional and refusing to get with the modern world, which doesn’t actually hurt anyone unless they choose to let it.

spotcheck · 22/05/2022 12:30

My ex mil used to do this. She has remarried, so I stared sending cards addressed to her former married name. She stopped 😊

Has your husband asked her to bloody stop?

If she still hasn't stopped, have you tried having a conversation about why she refuses to accept the names which both you and your husband chose?

Or you can take the low road like me, and start calling her by a name which isn't hers, OR send cards back saying ' no body here at this address'

Boood · 22/05/2022 12:32

It just makes me laugh when older people do it. I was quite shocked when I saw the same from someone my age, but I think some people think it’s the “correct” way to address an envelope and it won’t arrive if they use the actual name you have on the electoral roll, your passport and your tax records.

BHX3000 · 22/05/2022 12:33

At first I would've been tempted to return the cards - 'unknown recipient'.

It sounds as though she won't let it go, so I would. It's sad, it's annoying, it's pathetic that women are still behaving like these towards other women.

What does she mean 'they're DH surname through and through'? Has she ever heard about other countries where the mother's name is kept? Are Spanish or Colombian people more 'fatherless' because they also have their mum's name?

cheeseislife8 · 22/05/2022 12:35

I'd go broken record. "MIL, they're names are xxx-yyy. EVERY TIME."

If it continues: jokey banter voice "Wow MIL, 5 years in and you're still getting my/our names wrong! Senility kicking in?" little laugh

Bobbins36 · 22/05/2022 13:12

She’s being rude, I’d tell her exactly that, and correct her every single time. Frankly I’d be telling your DH to have a bloody word with his mother too.

Pickabearanybear · 22/05/2022 13:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

AchatAVendre · 22/05/2022 13:18

I just send some stuff back saying "no-one of this name living at this address". I've only done it twice. Its highly effective. Once to a firm of solicitors and once to PIL. I don't think PIL ever quite got over the shock, but they've never tried it again (and they were pretty persistent). They tried the stuff "we want to welcome you into the family so you should take our name" passive aggressive stuff but I simply pointed out that I have quite a more well known family name and its traditional for the woman to keep their own surname in those cases. They simply shut up. I don't think anyone's ever spoken up to them before! I barely have any friends who changed names on marriage, it likely I know particularly single minded, independent people but its a huge faff, especially if you're already known by your professional name that you don't want to change and would then constantly have to explain two names.

orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 13:35

You're not unreasonable to be very annoyed.

Has your husband told his mother how disrespectful she's being? Might help if he fights your corner because I bet at the heart of this is some notion that you've emasculated her boy.

If she sees he's happy with the family's names she might stop being so rude.

NancyPickford · 22/05/2022 13:38

When I told in-laws that I was keeping my own name, they were quiet but you could tell annoyed about it. Thereafter for 25 years until they died, I would get birthday cards addressed to just 'Nancy' and my address. They could not bring themselves to write 'Nancy Pickford'. Joint cards went to "Son's name and Nancy".

LadyCampanulaTottington · 22/05/2022 13:41

Repeat it every single time and ask “are you not able to understand what I am saying? Do you need your hearing checked? Time for a dementia assessment?” Ad nauseum

150poundrebate · 22/05/2022 13:43

I always find this diet of behaviour fascinating. Has anybody ever asked these people ‘why’ they are doing these things? Like, what is the thought process? I’m getting married soon and won’t be changing my name, and any kids will be double barrelled.

I’m intrigued to see if I encounter any of this nonsense. I’m not even remotely anti-confrontational, so it would be quite fun.

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 22/05/2022 13:47

Would your husband agree to have a word on the lines of quit it mother or we will all deed poll our names to dw surname only

Icanseehisbumcrack · 22/05/2022 13:47

Send all cards to “Mrs (maiden) name - (married) name”.

or to “Mrs Ex (married) name”

She’ll love that.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 13:49

LadyCampanulaTottington · 22/05/2022 13:41

Repeat it every single time and ask “are you not able to understand what I am saying? Do you need your hearing checked? Time for a dementia assessment?” Ad nauseum

That's a bit off tbh. Dementia shouldn't be used that way.

Personally I'd just ask her why she is so insistent in getting their names wrong as you are finding it rude and borderline offensive.

Simonjt · 22/05/2022 13:53

My inlaws refused to use my husbands new name, so he just started putting not known at this address and putting it back in the post box. Talking to them would have made zero difference.

BashfulClam · 22/05/2022 13:56

My mum does the Mr and Mrs (husband initial) surname. I’ve told her that outdated and in some cases offensive but she continues to send my mail to Mr and Mrs (husband initial) Clam. My husband keeps joking my married name is his first name. I just ignore it now.

skyeisthelimit · 22/05/2022 13:59

Just correct her each and every time, and may be send out an email or group message to all family saying that just to clear up any confusion, your name is XX and your DC's names are XX.

Just correct her each and every time and ask her what her problem is.

Your DH should be putting her correct as well.

ImAvingOops · 22/05/2022 14:02

I'm more hardline than other posters but I would refuse to see someone who was so openly disrespectful and those people wouldn't be seeing my children either. I don't believe it's good for kids to see grandparents undermine the parents. My dh's grandparents were quite disrespectful towards dh's mum at times and fil allowed it. This has had an affect on how dh has behaved since his gp were very influential figures when he was growing up. I've seen him lie outright to his mum. Because that was the pattern set in childhood. So he careful what you allow people to get away with in their attitude towards you.
My 'd' h would also be getting a huge kick up the arse for not putting a stop to it - they are his parents and it's his responsibility to deal with their rudeness towards you.

WombatNo12 · 22/05/2022 14:02

I get this a lot. It's super-tedious. Particularly the nose wrinkle & comment about a lack of respect for DH. This is my own mother tho...

You won't win. I try not to open the post ever.

ancientgran · 22/05/2022 14:03

My MIL used to refer to me as "It" (e.g. she'd say to DH "Does it want a cup of tea?" don't think we ever got round to discussing surnames.

Youseethethingis1 · 22/05/2022 14:05

The logic failure here is really irritating.
If you automatically become Mrs DHs Name when you marry then obviously you automatically go back to your unmarried name when you get unmarried.
So why is the silly woman still calling herself Mrs DHs Name???
Such stupidity.
I wouldn't let it go either. I'd be tempted to return mail "not known at this address" for a start. Such blatant disrespect.

Billandben444 · 22/05/2022 14:06

My mum does the Mr and Mrs (husband initial) surname. I’ve told her that outdated and in some cases offensive but she continues to send my mail to Mr and Mrs (husband initial) Clam. My husband keeps joking my married name is his first name. I just ignore it now.
As an old granny (to go along with the ageist theme on this thread), how would you like a joint Christmas card to be addressed if you share the same surname?