ILs refusing to use my name

[namechangedasouting]

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

MN has plenty of sad feckers who'll tell you MIL is right and you're being ridiculous for keeping your own name.

MIL is a rude bitch and I'd tell her so.

We have a tradition of the father's name being passed down for a long time and to Ignore that tradition and the feelings behind it doesn't make it go away and doesn't make his mother feel better.

Good gawd, what sort of family is the OP imagined to have married into--the Duchy of Dorchester or something? If the older generation supposedly can't cope with not passing down their names, what about all the families who have daughters? Even under the traditional rules, they were expected to deal with this.

"Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?" "

And you corrected her, right? And thanked his aunt for getting it right?

Where is your husband in all of this? Has he ever raised this with her?

That’s the one I’m referring to. Where’s the other one?

And I’m perfectly happy for ageism to be called out. I just don’t think that one (or two, according to you) out of 52 constitutes an ‘ageist theme’ to the thread. Which is what I said.

Like pp I hope you corrected her and thanked the aunt for getting your names right.

Every time she does it in front of you, correct her. Every time she tells other people and you find out, call them and tell them mil is wrong and your names are ...

Every time.

But your opinion doesn't matter. Neither does the MIL. You are both irrelevancies and what matters is what the people involved think, the parents and the children. Spanish people all have two names, one from each parent. They seem to cope just fine. Don't be so pathetic about it, it's not that hard, honestly, I have no patience with people like you who try to see problems where there are none, how ever do you get through life if you can't cope with little things like this?

I agree that your MIL is being petty so you need to have a calm discussion and ask her why she won’t recognise their given names.

However, my adult MALE step children were given double barrelled surnames as kids but they both dropped them when they got married and chose to either drop one name or change it to their wife’s name. Both sets of grandchildren have also been given completely different surnames because apparently the original ‘family surname’ was such a mouthful.

Can you understand why it would hurt his parents? Can you explain why? Because it makes no sense to me.

Fortunately, your opinion of me doesn't matter to me either.

Why SHOULD the OP bear this in mind though? There is nothing in the message to suggest that the OP is an idiot or married to one, or that MIL has some reason not to understand or indeed that anybody does understand that people make different choices.

My ex-MIL did similar over names. What however this hid was an entitlement about "their" family - that only what they (the nuclear family) did was of any good. So the behaviour continued during my marriage in other areas, but really ramped up after divorce. My advice - really closely watch how DH behaves - patterns are set in childhood and very hard to change.

It was my own mother who did this.

I starting by giving her the information 'I've kept my own name' and DH 'tends to open them because he thinks it's addressed to him'.

Complete waste of time. I just ignored. She has no power to make me change. Why should I even mention it any more.

I would find that extremely annoying. But just ignore her. She wants to drag you into a discussion or argument.
Eventually the kids will say something and then she will realise that she is risking her relationship with them over her stupidity

OP has a name. MIL refuses to use that name. She also refuses to use the OP's children's surname.

Why are people making excuses and telling the OP to 'bear in mind' irrelevant nonsense?

I'm not saying it should. You are the one who seems to think that it matters what you think. Rather like the OP's mother in law. But it doesn't. What matters is what the OP and her DH have decided. Nobody's opinion counts except theirs and later their kids. The MIL (and you) don't get a view, that's not even the question.

My ex MIL used to do this to me immediately after we first married and i had not got round to changing my name.

The back story was that she (my ex MIL) had run off with another man leaving her first husband and she always implied that me not taking ex h surname meant i was more likely to cheat.

In the end i took my ex husbands surname.
Then my ex husband ran off with someone else. Don't do things to your name because of what other people think for any reason whatsoever.

Why isn't your husband telling her that by doing this and intentionally trying to hurt you and his children that it then hurts him? She is deliberately doing it and so if he can't or won't say anything then there is no way I would be in the same room as her or my children.

Why is it different because she objects to their surnames? What if she didn't like their first names and decided to rename them?

I just think this is an example of older people being very petty. My DP parents are the same, we’ve been together over 20 years so they know my surname perfectly well, but insist on addressing everything to Mr and Mrs xxxx. We’re not married!

Did you ever outright say ‘stop this, I find it offensive’?

But you don’t need to agree. It’s not your name so your opinion is invalid. Correct names should always be used, if not where is the line drawn?

All of this.

Have you ever told them to stop? I keep asking this because I’m really interested in hearing how these sorts of people would respond. “No, I refuse to stop being sexist”?

There does seem to be a particular sort of stupidity reserved for women keeping their own names. Sometimes even people who are not usually badly informed or stupid are afflicted by issue specific memory loss, know nothing of naming traditions practiced by hundreds of millions of people globally, and randomly invent laws.

I'm not sure why that last paragraph is an "however". Isn't it just the same principle at work?

When an individual settles into a couple and starts a family with another individual it's very much up to the two adults what they choose to be their family name.

And when their kids settle down for the next generation the same thing applies. The original couple cannot expect that the name they chose be carried on.

My mum point blank refuses to use double barrel name says there ridiculous . She been pulled up on it a few times won't budge .