ILs refusing to use my name

[namechangedasouting]

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

My Inlaws can be difficult but everytime I read one of these threads I am so relieved I don't have this level of drama!

I am keeping my name, dc has my name, dp can change his if he wants but really I don't care either way, it's his name and he can keep it of he wants.

With the inlaws, it was never a discussion, we just sent them a text with dc full name when he was born and that was that.

Weirdly though, I had a woman I worked with, mid 30s. She overheard me talking with someone about dc name when I was pregnant and I mentioned he would have my name. The woman was horrified! She said I was immasculating dp, that my dc would hold it against me and that I was being silly and childish not allowing them to have their fathers name. Oh how I laughed about that one!

Do you think being called by their name is a basic thing to which every human being is entitled? If so, how is refusing to do this not offensive?

I would simply return to sender until she got the names right.

I think it’s interesting how many women on here have hinted, mentioned and done assorted indirect things in the face of being incorrectly addressed - as opposed to a straightforward ‘stop calling me X, my name is Y’.

Not judging, it’s just interesting.

@150poundrebate probably because most people dislike confrontation so it's less nervous making to be round and about.

Mr and Mrs Clam. No initial. There's not going to be any confusion unless there are two sets of marrieds at the same address. I find it bloody disrespectful that people use DH's initial for me. I have taken his surname, but I haven't given up my own forename. I'm not Lady Colin Campbell, or Princess Michael of Kent.

Possibly so. The idea of being disrespected in this way and not addressing it directly is really foreign to me and my approach to life, but (based on this thread) the dislike/fear of any confrontation is clearly considerably more widespread than I’d thought.

Sorry, I should have clarified that I definitely wouldn't find it offensive, although others clearly do. Personally it would be a mild irritation, no more. Obviously other people have different views.

Oops, the quoted didn't attach. That was about how to address a card to a married couple without using the DH's initial for them both.

My ex mil used to do this. She has remarried, so I stared sending cards addressed to her former married name. She stopped

this ^

revert her back to her previous name on all correspondence

I agree with this, it's sort of semi passive aggressive and an awful lot of fuss.

If it were me I'd send round a card following marriage possibly even in the thank you card, like that awful please give us money as we're beyond gifts poem...

Thank you for joining our special day, we had such a great time hip hip hooray,
Now Mr Hisname and Ms. Hername are formally wed, No Mr. and Mrs. call us by our own names instead!

Beyond this I'd just get on with my life, there are bigger things to be worrying over.

150poundrebate

I guess op has corrected her over and over so its not direct action works

I actually like that I am “Mrs HisInitial HisName” and find “Mrs MyInital HisName” offensive as traditionally it would imply we’re divorced. However, that is my choice and my identity and your IL are being pricks.

I wasn’t talking about the OP, I was referring to pp.

Although, to be fair, the OP says nothing about correcting her at all. It says she’s tried to let it go.

So far, not one person has said that they’ve directly said ‘stop calling me X, my name is Y’. It’s all been binning post and ‘reminding them I kept my name’. If someone is calling me by the wrong name, my immediate reaction is to tell them to stop. Apparently this is not necessarily widespread practice.

I wouldn't let it go, I'd correct her firmly each and every time.
If she did it in front of family, I'd but in and say "silly MIL is confused again, the kids names are .... you'd have thought she'd have got the hang of it after x years wouldn't you! "

Slightly off topic but what i always wonder is (for example the SIL in the example above) is for the people who insist it changes automatically when you get married, do none of these people ever then go on to get a new passport or one of the myriad of other tasks where it would immediately get flagged that you are claiming your legal name is something its not???

All well and good double barrelling names now. What should the next generation do ?. For example , if John A-B were to marry Sue C-D would they choose one surname each(if so Mum's or Dads?) Or would they do away with individual hyphenation?so would become John and Sue AB-CD or some other combination ?Which surname should be first or second either now or a generation removed?I'm genuinely puzzled as to how we can reach a satisfactory (and simple)conclusion

People knowing your actual name doesn't stop them deliberately calling your Mrs DHName so the card wouldn't help with that, and the genuine errors aren't so much the problem.

My solution: Dh sets up a whatsapp group with all family members including ILs:

'I hope everyone is well. I think there has been some misunderstanding please note my wife and children's surname is XX-XX and has been since we were married, just to save any embarrassment or confusion. Thanks everyone. Looking forward to seeing you all soon! Love dh and family '

and DH needs to correct his mother each and every time she gets it wrong, not you op.
If it were my mother i would suggest a visit to the GP for a dementia test if she persisted.
It is patently rude and I would not stand for it - and I would expect dh to address the issue with is family.

KILM my SIL thinks that Mrs Hisname IS my legal name. She insists it changed automatically when I got married, so unless I’ve purposely changed it back by deed poll, then I am legally Mrs Hisname. Therefore my ID showing my maiden name is wrong and illegal.

tkwal in other countries when Mr A-B marries Ms C-D they call their kids B-D.

the problem is your have let it go for so long so she thinks she's getting away with it.

let her know every times she's very wrong and quite frankly insulting and rude, not just to you but its your kids identity

she doesn't get away with that behaviour just because she's your mil.
bugger asking your husband to do it you do it(people will advise that)

you as a adult are your own person and decided to keep your name, just because hes(your husband)a man doesn't automatically mean i go to his identity as well

i really dont get women who do this(take the mans name)its such a old fashioned sexist tradition. but im very biased as i dont believe in marriage anyway and especially taken a males name(i was with my ex nearly 22 years and we have 2 kids)

i would also be contacting other family members who are listening to her and telling them its insulting to you and the kids and dont listen to her.
mil doesn't like it but tough

she's continuing with this because she's been allowed to get away with it.

have either of you never pulled her up on it?

What's the point of getting married if you keep your name? Always baffled me

I remember reading an interview with Gary Lineker's wife (the most recent one) where she said the same thing. Gary was her second husband, so her second name change. And she's since divorced him and married another man and changed her name again.

I do think, what's the point in getting married if you're just going to keep divorcing them.

Bless the poor sad souls who only get married so they can change their name.

@SlatsandFlaps Hmm, maybe you need to read up on what marriage actually means, and think about reasons why someone might want to be married?!