ILs refusing to use my name

[namechangedasouting]

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

She’s being a CC! It’s not up to her! Tell her directly that you have chosen to go by @@ and you’d appreciate it if she could call you by that and write it on any correspondence.

I like having the same surname as my husband but this thread is giving me the rage and making me want to go back to my maiden name

Nobody sends Christmas cards anymore, so it’s not something that’s likely to crop up, but on the off chance it did, the first names and joint surname are fine.

I hate, hate being sent cards to mr and mrs husbands first name. I pass them to him and tell him he has a letter. Not much enrages me now but this does.

BillandBen444

what a silly question! If you share the same surname then any Christmas cards would be addressed to “Mr and Mrs BillandBen444”

There is much to be said for being high and mighty and rejecting husband’s name, for “your” name… well it isn’t, it’s your father’s name…

Just for the sake of argument, let's pretend this is true (disclaimer: is isn't true, it's a big old pile of steaming hairy bollocks).

Your family name - forget who supposedly 'owns' it (scoff) for a moment, is your history. It's a name you've carried from birth, it's associated with your relations, your life, your past, your formative years, the shaping of your character. And yes, there are some women whose pasts in this respect have not been pretty and who may want to discard that name along with that past. I get that. My past has also been ugly. But having overcome it in a personal sense, my history is mine for better or worse and I've gone on to make a good life for myself. My identity. I can bring better things to our family name than my abusive father: that alone is within my gift.

So - this is what a family name (not a 'maiden' name announcing your sexual status), means: to me at any rate. Why would I want to discard that for the name of another family who don't share that past with me, those blood ties, those triumphs and failures to be achieved and overcome, for another family history that has sweet FA to do with mine? And why this has been viewed as in any way 'high and mighty', is a sentiment I'd be thrilled to see someone explain.

A basic respect for someone's actual name - ie not rechristening them with a name they think more appropriate or insisting their name isn't even theirs in the first place, is a fairly fundamental courtesy. Still, I travelled on the Tube last week. Hardly comes as a fresh surprise that the world is full of rude, discourteous people.

Funny how on here other countries traditions should be cherished, however, UK traditions are outdated.

It's almost like some traditions are objectively less sexist than others. Weird that!

Where to even start with this? So, women are meant to embrace all U.K. traditions, regardless of their sexist or misogynistic connotations, because of…nationalism?

I think you’ll find that sexist naming conventions (and other problematic traditions) are being overturned globally. In just this thread, people have discussed developments in Germany, Spain and France.

Finally, you’re on the internet, not in your wee village. Lots of the people commenting are ‘in other countries’. You have no idea where the OP is based or from. So, you’re making some interesting assumptions.

Its not a particularly British tradition. Theres plenty of examples of British aristocratic and wealthy women marrying and the man taking their name because their family name was considered more important, or taking both or multiple names - where do you think the convention of double-barrelling originated? My ex has a double barrelled surname which originated in the surname of an heiress in the mid 1800s and his grandmother's third husband took her second husband's surname as she refused to change it!

I should also point out that there are plenty of parts of the British Isles where the surname convention as you understand it simply didn't exist as they followed the Scandinavian convention of "son" and "dottir". Which is somewhat patronymic in itself but not in the way you understand it to be.

Quite, there isn't one single UK tradition here. In Scotland it was more common for women to keep their own names than it was in England, for example. But obviously UK and Anglo are synonymous.

Its also really traditional for women who marry British kings (and princes) to be referred to by their maiden name long after they are married...Kate Middleton, Catherine Parr, Anne of Cleves, Ann Boleyne, Catherine of Aragon, Jane Seymour, Catherine Howard...

You’re assuming that my mother changed her name when she got married- which she didn’t.

I send Christmas cards. I love sending Christmas cards. bring back the Christmas card senders!! 🎄🎅 🛷

It’s not really about age. I’m in my 60s and have people in their 40s balk at me keeping my own name, not taking my husband’s.