ILs refusing to use my name

[namechangedasouting]

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

You say it each and every time and he needs to.

this is abuse - simple.

my exes family referred to me and the children and Mrs B when I was mrs AB and them as well. It’s a sign of control. Personally I’d send the stuff back -

My PIL can’t accept that I chose not to change my name so they do the passive aggressive cards addressed to Mrs DH to make a point. I just ignore it now

Like this one just for visits

Your name and your kids names are their names. Your MIL is an asshole and her opinion about your choices she should keep to herself. Although sadly with 85% woman continuing to take on a mans name on marriage is likely the reason for all these odd comments on these types of threads and MIL behaviour. Hits a nerve for those woman who followed on with the masses. I should add i would likely now be classed the 'older' generation. I havent changed my name and my outlaws and some of my own family send cards to Mr and Mrs (DH surname) I told them to cut it out. They remain shocked that I wouldnt be rushing off to get it changed. Your DH should have been putting her straight

Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

"Wow, DH, you are a scientific wonder, carrying and giving birth to our children with no involvement from me! Don't be daft, MIL, they are half X and half Y, through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

Has anybody ever asked these people ‘why’ they are doing these things? Like, what is the thought process?
my friend decided to change her name to her dhs and her fil showed up to thank her as they’re the last with the family name as all his siblings died young and never had kids. That’s why people get like this. It’s both rational and irrational but the more I think about it the more I get it

My MIL not only refuses to use my name but also my title. She sends cards to Mr & Mrs Hisname. It should be Mr Hisname & Dr Myname. I’m not so bothered about the surname but her refusal to use the title I worked bloody hard for infuriates me.

SIL does the same. It came back to bite her when she asked me to be godmother and the church asked for ID - and my ID didn’t match the name she had put on the paperwork. She asked me to produce ID for Mrs Hisname and obviously I couldn’t - I said you’ll have to change the paperwork to say Dr Myname. She refused. So I couldn’t be godmother.

I’ve had that attitude too - like the ‘alpha’ parental family is supposedly more superior - it’s sick

I binned all incorrectly addressed cards and let them know it. After a few gift certficates/tenners got binned, they caught on that respecting my decisions matters, even if they disagree. Took 2 years, but they learned my name. They didn't try it on with the dc.

Completely agree - dementia is a devastating and heartbreaking illness for many many families.

Have you asked her what the issue us? I would calmly ask her to explain why she has difficulties and tell her how disrespectful she is being. If she continues to do it after that point, you have accept that she has chosen to behave in an ignorant way. I would continue to point out her ignorance though.

This can’t be the case in all of these situations, though. So it seems unlikely to be the general reason, logical or not.

Bear in mind other people have kept their maiden name for professional purposes and may have legally gone to change to their husbands name or not.

And they’re able to carry on and not be offended every time somebody writes Mr. and Mrs. Or the X family…

But then in the instances I’m talking about the people involved have never made a big issue over it. They know what their names are and if people make mistakes due to cultural norms it doesn’t ruffle feathers. Even in the case of double barrelled kids names; hadn’t heard of it until they had travel issues.

The situation with three different family names sounds overly complicated but it is what they want and people should respect that.

Mil sounds a nightmare.

You could ignore her or if you really want to wind her up, just write Not known at this address and put them back in the post 😊

Have you asked either of these women to stop doing this? Told them you find it offensive? If so, what was their response? What reason did your SIL give for refusing to use your correct title?

Lots of people choose to do lots of different things. Why do you feel that what these random women chose to do is relevant to the OP? It wasn’t clear to @Lesperance and it’s not clear to me, either.

YANBU to be annoyed.

However, I find working on the theory that getting the envelope through the correct front door is all that matters. If it arrives it's fine it's job, read the contents.

if she's correcting others I'd just say 'No Aunt Daisy, your envelopes are always perfectly addressed, +some people just can't seem to remember the DH is smith, I am Jones & the children are Smith Jones . I know it's not complicated, but it seems beyond them! So you carry on as you were, it's perfect!'

My in-laws kept addressing stuff to Mrs Husband'sname too. They also doubly annoyed me when I was pregnant by sending things for the baby addressed just to Mrs Husband'sname instead of both of us, or even just my husband.

My husband had a word with them and they (mostly) stopped doing it.

If anyone ever refers to me as Mrs Husband'sname now my husband starts laughing and says that's his mum.

To clarify @Lesperance OP should bear in mind that people can find it hard to get around deviations from cultural norms and there may be mistakes or people who are very traditional and find it hard to grasp…..

There will be more confusion as the years go on and it’s important to just brush some of it off as no need to distress yourself. Our friends don’t give a tinkers!

In the case of this MiL it sounds like she’s getting quite nasty about it though so words are needed.

I quoted two examples!

Those highlighted parts were from two different posts.

Accepting letters/cards sent from far away with the wrong name is a personal decision; OK to let it go to avoid the hassle as you might if they persistently mispelled your first name. But I wouldn't force children to accept them. As for the kinds of face-to-face comments people have mentioned - no. And the parents who are knowingly correcting others to use wrong information are actively harmful as well as very rude.

If your husband had a sister whose children were Herlastname-Herhusbandslastname or vice versa, would your PILs be sending them cards using only Herlastname? In most cases, it's not a mistake or forgetfulness or familiarity or a desire to elevate their own (child's) name, it's misogyny. It's absolutely reasonable to reject it on one's own behalf and to protect children from it.

I’ve told them they’re using the wrong name and title. They just keep doing it. When the christening incident happened, SIL insisted that my ID must be wrong/illegal/outdated because I’m Mrs Hisname, I can’t be Dr Myname any more because I’m married. She said that’s your old ID from before you got married and it isn’t valid any more, can you get updated ID in your married name to match the church paperwork please. I said no that’s not possible because I actually am Dr Myname, there is no such person as Mrs Hisname.

So she whinged to DH that I need to update my driving licence/passport, and he told her they are up to date and correct because I am Dr Myname. Then she and MIL complained that it was rude and inappropriate for me to change my name back after I got married, and DH said she didn’t change it back, it never got changed from her maiden name in the first place. It appears they thought that a woman’s name changes automatically when she gets married and I must have purposely changed it back!

In the end I just said look, there’s my ID, it says Dr Myname, take it or leave it. And she refused to write Dr Myname as godmother because she wanted all the godparents to be Hisnames. So she picked someone else.

Not quite the same but we're not married either, though have been together for about 35 years. One family member always addressed me as 'Miss' my name, even though I'm 60. Eventually I waited until the family were gathered and had had a couple of drinks and asked her if she did that because she thought I was still a virgin. Cue much mirth. She stopped doing it.

So, you’ve never actually said ‘stop this, I find it offensive, use my name’?

I’m not saying you should, just clarifying.

I don’t have an opinion either way and I’m just being curious, with the DCs having double barrelled surnames, so if your DCs are Smith-Jones and then they become a parent and have a child with someone whose surname is Brown- Green what happens to the baby’s surname then?