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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ILs refusing to use my name

340 replies

namechangedasouting · 22/05/2022 12:21

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

OP posts:
Lizziekisss · 22/05/2022 16:09

So sorry OP in response to your original question, yes I agree your MIL is being incredibly rude. Your name your choice.

greatblueheron · 22/05/2022 16:17

Mark everything that arrives incorrectly addressed 'not known at this address' and pop them back in the post. Every time.

150poundrebate · 22/05/2022 16:17

Lizziekisss · 22/05/2022 16:08

I don’t have an opinion either way and I’m just being curious, with the DCs having double barrelled surnames, so if your DCs are Smith-Jones and then they become a parent and have a child with someone whose surname is Brown- Green what happens to the baby’s surname then?

In cultures where this is the norm, the children generally get one name from each parent. It used to be the father’s name (so, their grandfather), but that’s no longer the case.

So, in your example, they’d be DC Smith-Green or similar.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 16:18

If you ever send Christmas cards miss off half their name And misspell their names in the card. They don't respect you.

Waterfallgirl · 22/05/2022 16:18

stayathomer · 22/05/2022 15:23

Has anybody ever asked these people ‘why’ they are doing these things? Like, what is the thought process?
my friend decided to change her name to her dhs and her fil showed up to thank her as they’re the last with the family name as all his siblings died young and never had kids. That’s why people get like this. It’s both rational and irrational but the more I think about it the more I get it

But that’s not this situation - as far as we know from the OP.

TrashyPanda · 22/05/2022 16:20

My DD got married last weekend.
she and DSIL have both double barrelled their names.
your MILs head would spin at that - so you might want to try it!

Waterfallgirl · 22/05/2022 16:23

BananaShrimp · 22/05/2022 15:53

I’ve told them they’re using the wrong name and title. They just keep doing it. When the christening incident happened, SIL insisted that my ID must be wrong/illegal/outdated because I’m Mrs Hisname, I can’t be Dr Myname any more because I’m married. She said that’s your old ID from before you got married and it isn’t valid any more, can you get updated ID in your married name to match the church paperwork please. I said no that’s not possible because I actually am Dr Myname, there is no such person as Mrs Hisname.

So she whinged to DH that I need to update my driving licence/passport, and he told her they are up to date and correct because I am Dr Myname. Then she and MIL complained that it was rude and inappropriate for me to change my name back after I got married, and DH said she didn’t change it back, it never got changed from her maiden name in the first place. It appears they thought that a woman’s name changes automatically when she gets married and I must have purposely changed it back!

In the end I just said look, there’s my ID, it says Dr Myname, take it or leave it. And she refused to write Dr Myname as godmother because she wanted all the godparents to be Hisnames. So she picked someone else.

Show quote history

Bloody hell - I have no words - monumentally stupid as well as rude !! (Sorry if you love them but WOW!)
OTOH your DH sounds like a keeper 😉

BananaShrimp · 22/05/2022 16:25

So, you’ve never actually said ‘stop this, I find it offensive, use my name’?
As I said, I’ve told them repeatedly that they’re using the wrong name and title but they just keep doing it. They’re so convinced that my name changed automatically when I got married and therefore I’m Mrs Hisname, and I’m making a mistake by thinking that I’m not! SIL actually said my driving licence is illegal because it’s the wrong name.

They’re not the only ones - occasionally people who know DH have automatically written Mrs Hisname without asking what my name is. People who’ve known me for 10-20 years have automatically addressed things to Mrs Hisname. Conversely when I’ve introduced myself to someone as Banana Myname and they later meet DH, they automatically call him DH Myname. Because they’re so convinced that we must have the same surname. Funnily enough they don’t seem to assume this with gay couples!

Stravaig · 22/05/2022 16:28

You have a 'DH not insisting his mother treats you with respect' problem, as well as a MIL problem. Either he's been complaining to his mother about you and the kids not having his name, or he's not been clearly correcting her when she raises it.

Return all mail addressed with the wrong names as 'not known at this addess' until MIL gets the message.

If she still can't treat your and your children with the basic respect of knowing your names, then she doesn't get to have a relationship with you or them.

150poundrebate · 22/05/2022 16:29

BananaShrimp · 22/05/2022 16:25

So, you’ve never actually said ‘stop this, I find it offensive, use my name’?
As I said, I’ve told them repeatedly that they’re using the wrong name and title but they just keep doing it. They’re so convinced that my name changed automatically when I got married and therefore I’m Mrs Hisname, and I’m making a mistake by thinking that I’m not! SIL actually said my driving licence is illegal because it’s the wrong name.

They’re not the only ones - occasionally people who know DH have automatically written Mrs Hisname without asking what my name is. People who’ve known me for 10-20 years have automatically addressed things to Mrs Hisname. Conversely when I’ve introduced myself to someone as Banana Myname and they later meet DH, they automatically call him DH Myname. Because they’re so convinced that we must have the same surname. Funnily enough they don’t seem to assume this with gay couples!

Telling them they’re using the wrong name/title and directly, point blank, telling them to stop doing so aren’t the same thing.

Hyy4323 · 22/05/2022 16:29

I have that but I've just had to let it go.DC have my surname though we are married. Whats the point in correcting them...takes too long

BananaShrimp · 22/05/2022 16:30

OTOH your DH sounds like a keeper
He can be a dick about some things but this is one thing that he’s consistently backed me up on. Perhaps because we’re not the same ethnic background, and he understands that my surname matches the ethnicity of my firstname and connects me to my heritage in a way his surname would not.

katepilar · 22/05/2022 16:37

Perhaps she resents taking on her husbands name and even keeping it to make her life easier.

Bergamotte · 22/05/2022 16:42

BananaShrimp Wow, that is amazingly silly of your SIL. You deserve respect for staying calm!

Gizacluethen · 22/05/2022 16:44

I'd start addressing her as Ms. Maidenname "but you're not married MIL, you're Ms.Maidenname through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/05/2022 16:48

I would not let it go and would send her a copy of their birth certs with their names and tell her could you please have the decency and respect to use their proper names as it is disrespecting you and the children and I would not let it go as she knows what she is doing and is just mean and spiteful. Years ago I would have put up but not now as sick of people who think can walk all over you and your husband should have words with her and tell her if she wants to keep seeing the children then show respect and use their full names.

MajorCarolDanvers · 22/05/2022 16:51

MIL is incredibly rude.

Does your DH not challenge her on this?

user1471538283 · 22/05/2022 16:54

If you have the energy call her by the wrong name.

My DM kept my fathers surname even though they were divorced longer than married. She did manage to get her only DGCs name wrong once. Never apologised. Useless woman.

yellowsuninthesky · 22/05/2022 17:10

As an old granny (to go along with the ageist theme on this thread), how would you like a joint Christmas card to be addressed if you share the same surname

I think the easiest way is to Family Yellow. Or "Sarah and Simon Yellow".

I have to confess I have been guilty of doing this in the past though - when my cousin got married his wife kept her surname and double barrelled it - I couldn't be bothered to write Mr A Smith and Mrs A Jones-Smith so I did write cards to Mr and Mrs A Smith. I wouldn't do it now though.

And the OP's case is more extreme, I never tried to influence how other people referred to my cousin's wife.

As for the name change thing on divorce, I might keep my DH's name if we got divorced as I don't like my maiden name. Though I'd probably use my mum's surname which is better. It doesn't happen automatically by the way, when my mum divorced my dad she had to use a deed poll to change her name back.

meadowbleu · 22/05/2022 17:14

I'm on the fence simply because I usually follow the 'choose your battles carefully' line of thought.

Is it worth bothering with MIL's entrenchment when she's very obviously not for turning? I'd say perhaps not. She's absolutely wrong and ill mannered over it, but can you achieve anything meaningful to you, I guess you won't.

Certain generations just slavishly follow what they were taught was 'correct' and haven't moved with the times, but I'd have thought that was dying out.

She asked me to produce ID for Mrs Hisname and obviously I couldn’t - I said you’ll have to change the paperwork to say Dr Myname. She refused. So I couldn’t be godmother.

Well @BananaShrimp that really does take the biscuit. Wouldn't you love it if DH changed his name and everything needed to be addressed to Dr and Mr Shrimp 😆

When I got married at the beginning of time, I changed my name because that was what you did back then and I didn't have any reason to kick against it. More recently I said to DH I think my name was nicer and if it were now I'd ask if he fancied changing his name to mine. He said he'd be fine with that. I think his parents would've kicked off, but that would just have been tough.

chocaholic73 · 22/05/2022 17:14

When I got married in 1982, I took my new DH's name. Now, although we are happily married, I so wish we'd gone double barrelled but it just wasn't the norm among our peer group and didn't even occur to me at the time. What amazes me is that all of my DD's friends who have got married so far have taken their husbands' surnames. These are people aged around 30. Makes no sense to me at all. Your MIL is definitely being unreasonable OP, your name, your choice.

IntricateRhyme · 22/05/2022 17:22

I took DH's surname when we got married. He told me that his mother was extremely upset when his brother got married that they double barrelled their surnames and DH didn't want her kicking off again.

Didn't bother me at the time, but now I think fuck it why should she dictate what is and isn't acceptable to her. In any case she's barely spoken to me at all over the 20 years we've been together and doesn't speak to the DC either. Strange woman.

WindyKnickers · 22/05/2022 17:23

I would totally just let it go. An occasional eye roll maybe. Not something I could get worked up about and definitely not offensive as some are claiming.

Cranefliesthinkthecarroofiswater · 22/05/2022 17:24

I think my name was nicer

If we ever marry, I'll be keeping my name. It's a perfectly good name and I like it.

NetflixAndSauvignonBlanc · 22/05/2022 17:30

You have my sympathy OP! I am Ms Myname, same as I was before we got married. I have one elderly relative who insists on sending me cards addressed to Mrs Hisfirstname Hissecondname which gets me in a rage but she's old and vulnerable and other than writing my name correctly on the envelope for everything so send her I haven't yet done anything about it.
Family on both sides mostly call us Mr and Mrs A Hisname which also annoys me. I've got some return address labels with Mr A Hisname and Ms B Myname on them which I stick any anything I get the chance to. I also take all available opportunities in conversation with relatives to mention that I haven't changed my name and never plan to. People are slowly getting the message.