ILs refusing to use my name

[namechangedasouting]

DH and I married 5+ years ago. I kept my name, children are double barrelled. MIL (divorced from FIL but has kept her married name) has always found it personally insulting that I wanted to keep my name. All cards etc. Are addressed to "Mrs DH surname" and for the kids the same. I've really tried to just let it go - she knows these aren't our names so correcting her over and over seems pointless. She's now started "correcting" DH's other family members who send the kids cards addressed correctly. Her latest comment to DH's aunt (whilst we were there) was "they are "DH surname" through and through, why pretend otherwise?"

AIBU in finding this annoying?

Get dc T shirts printed with their names on...
Get yourself one or a badge!!

To Fred and Jane Smith is fine. Or Fred or Jane. Or F and J Smith. Basically anything that doesn't imply that the female half of the couple doesn't matter.

Firstname and Firstname (in alphabetical order) Lastname.

And where has anyone been ageist?

addressed to their actual names of course. Jill and Jack Smith, or Jill Smith and Jack Jones for example.

Your mil might seem petty but I agree that you should just all have the same name. Double-barrelling children's names is ridiculous. Just use one or the other. The next generation won't thank you for it. Nothing to say your husband couldn't change to your name. Makes life a lot easier.

I'm not going to say your unreasonable because it's your own name and decision obviously but I can see why she'd be hurt that you'd both decided this. I think particularly for the children to not inherit their fathers name.

Don't jump on me! Not saying it's right, just that I can understand how this would hurt his parents.

It's irritating.

But honestly I'd just let it go...

Nothing you can do about people like this.

Why should they all have the same name. And what qualifies you to say what the next generation will think. Plenty of families in other countries seem to manage with women keeping their own names

This is a nause, don’t let her bother you.

Maintain whatever it is you want.

However bear in mind there are plenty of women who keep their name for professional purposes but are still Mrs X

I have several friends who I’m not sure if they’ve legally changed to DH name, there isn’t a big deal made over it, Xmas cards still Mr & Mrs X or the X family… and no objections to my knowledge… it’s easier than to Mr Pots, Ms Pipps and the Pots-Pipps children..,

Personally find the convoluted double barrelled politically correct feminist stuff exhausting. A friend had trouble trying to travel long haul; she and DC got dragged in due to kids and her passports not having same names…. I made decision not for me after that point.

Where people are using the Dementia tag as an insult.

It's how Retard, Cretin, Spastic and Imbecile amongst others became abusive terms and are no longer acceptable to use instead of being medical terms.

Her name is as important as his. People who get hurt at a mother not wanting her history erased in favour of the father's one, need to get a bloody grip.
It's the mother who does the most - she grows and births a child, so if anyone has 'more' right to have her name represented it's the mother

I sympathise OP because I get the same. I'm not Mrs Hisname. I'm Ms Myname. As I've been for my whole life. I get Mrs Hisname alllllllllllll the time. I've been told it's illegal (yes really) to still use my name on my bank card. I find it really really rude.

This.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander!.

I'd actually ask your DH what her maiden name was and use that on any and all written communication going forwards.

Or perhaps you could spell her first name incorrectly, or her surname. So if she is called Jane, write Janet or for Ann maybe stick a few letters at the end to make a completely separate name like Annette. If she queries it, say you thought she was just using a shortened version of her name. Just keep doing it though until she starts using your name properly.

Two can play at that game.

I’d be for ignoring it except that she’s now starting correcting other people. That just goes too far.
I would have had to say something at that point because if others are getting corrected by her and you are present and not saying anything then they would logically assume that your MIL is right?

I think particularly for the children to not inherit their fathers name

Why is it important for children to have the fathers name? Why not the mothers? Patriarchy alive and well on MN.

People have been double barrelling names for hundreds of years. Huge swathes of the world. The next generations have been fine. If you don’t like them, then don’t do it. But people that do like them aren’t massively interested in your opinion.

Your dh: Hi mum seems to be really hard to manage the dcs double barrelled names, so I’ve asked them and they are thinking of changing it to just <wife/ops name>. I’d rather they keep my name in there to be honest so you could make sure you don’t accidentally get their names wrong again and remind the rellies? Otherwise the Christmas cards will have to go to dc1 and dc2 <wife name>

So the countries where a double barrel name is the norm are ridiculous, and the younger generations are so unthankful that they have carried on a centuries old naming tradition.

Not, ‘people’. One, singular, person did that. And has been called out on it. That does not constitute an ‘ageist theme’ to the thread.

If an older woman was trying but sometimes put DH surname for me out of habit, I'd let it go. If it was clear that she knew and was doing it deliberately, I'd lose my temper because that feels like rudeness.

"As an old granny (to go along with the ageist theme on this thread), how would you like a joint Christmas card to be addressed if you share the same surname?"

Mr and Mrs Johnson
or
Mr and Mrs Patrick and Laura Johnson, if the first names had to be used.

Just keep correcting her... especially when she corrects other family members,

I'd start calling her by her maiden name and when she corrects you, say but you aren't married anymore, you are supposed to go back to your previous name. Just wind her up, gives you a laugh.

I thought I'd answer because shouting "patriarchy" is such an easy moral standing.

My point was that I understood why her parents would be hurt. We have a tradition of the father's name being passed down for a long time and to Ignore that tradition and the feelings behind it doesn't make it go away and doesn't make his mother feel better.

For example, my family have a history of the first born son taking the same first name but going by their middle name. Patriarchy? Yeah that's probably true but the history now is something they're proud of so they'd be very much hurt if this tradition was ignored.

Noticing the grey areas doesn't make you complicit in "patriarchy" or whatever argument you're making, it recognise the humanity in it.

MIL always put MrsDHSurname on my birthday cards and made cheques out to that name. I didn't bank them so she switched to writing cheques in DH's name so he could bank them - they also went in the bin.

NC is a blessing.

If it continues: jokey banter voice "Wow MIL, 5 years in and you're still getting my/our names wrong! Senility kicking in?" little laugh

Time for a dementia assessment?”

Thats two that I’ve noticed (in 44 messages) without looking too hard. It’s better to call out such behaviour before it gets to a higher level though, surely?