To not know how to fix my life?

[trilobiterevival]

Some very basic details. Self employed, quite niche, business earned a lot over the past 20 years but slumped around covid and hasn't got back up. Like a massive drop in earnings. Maybe never will. Outside of this I am largely unemployable.
Relationship, LTR (no children), might be coming to an end, am currently living with him whilst I was finding new place but got stuck here. Not a good place, he won't move, so I will have to go alone. So I have no legal, current address. This makes it difficult for me to do a lot of stuff (renew passport, etc).

I'm used to getting by, earning a good amount, but am stumped for what to do. I could keep pushing the business, and it might recover, but there's no guarantee. My skills are not really transferable. Over the years I did manage to save a good deal, I am now dipping in to that and it is so stressful and my quality of life has taken a nosedive.

So my LTR isn't in good shape, small family and friends live at a distance, I would have to rent, and I am nearly 50.
I wake every day and feel my life is stuck, that I am 'living wrong', that I am letting my life pass me by. This stress has led to me picking at my skin and making it bleed. I know I am lucky to have my savings but that's ALL I have. DP isn't interested in moving, changing things, although we are very close and love each other, it's just not making me happy long term. WHen I discuss things with him, he either seems offended (as if he blames himself) or he tells me I am creating my own problem (!). As if it can all be fixed if i just look at it differently. Now, I have read Eckhart Tolle, but FFS.

I know we make our life choices, and I made mine. I didn't want to own a home and planned to travel in middle age, lol, but hey ho that is on hold right now! I am the only member of my family who lived a bit 'alternatively' (no kids, mortgage), so they don't get it. I think they just used to wonder why I didn't become a teacher or a psychologist or something. So this is the bed I made, I am fully responsible for it, but feel very stuck. I feel that if I had been in a relationship where the guy shared fully with me (home, plans, etc) it might have been easier, but this is never going to happen with my DP, he loves me and will do anything for me, and he allows me to be exactly who I am, but there's no drive to throw it all in and share everything, and this worries me about the future.

Can I turn this around? How could I find a new career, from scratch at my age? Or perhaps I am better sticking to my existing business and working to repair it? I would be paying rent so can't afford another degree, but might be able to push something less expensive. My existing degree won't do much for me now. I feel awful each morning, when I wake to see where I am, and how I don't know how to unstick myself from a lifestyle that is making me ill. And it's not like the UK is thriving is it? It's never been more expensive to live alone, to get by.

I think you should move out, as soon as humanly possible, into your own home. Even if you love someone, that doesn't mean you should be with them, and nothing you've written gives the impression that your relationship makes you happy. It sounds like it's draining you.

I think you need to creating stability for yourself by finding your own home. You sound rudderless. You need a place just for you.

Personally, I would try to revive your business. You know it, you know you can be very successful, so just go for it. I think your current mindset is preventing you from seeing through the fog. Get out of his home and start fresh.

@Aquamarine1029 Thank you for such a frank response. I love him very much, I doubt we could ever lose each other, but domestically it isn't' making me happy, no.

And yes, I feel as if I have worked and come this far to end up living like a displaced teenager. I use my cousin for a care-of address for my bank. It's depressing. I could live with my DP full time but the house he owns was a great, cheap find in the 90's but an absolute dive now, unfortunately. There's nowhere to go or anything to do, and it doesn't seem to bother him. I know he's depressed with it but he can't and won't move (and that's fair enough). If I moved in with him full time this issue would become worse for me, even if i was technically saving money.

I think that the first thing you can do is renew your passport and stop thinking weird things like you ding have a legal address 🤨

Especially as you say it’s more than the passport. Just get that stuff done. Of course you have an address! You live with your boyfriend, who is still currently your boyfriend. To that extent, I wonder if you are making some of your own problems.

You have savings so can whether a longer down turn in your business income than some. Are you sure it can’t recover? Covid decimated some businesses, but we have no restrictions now, so why can’t you grow it back again?

“To that extent, I wonder if you are making some of your own problems.” - quoting myself not OP, I meant to say I wonder if he is right that you’re making some of your own problems.

You’ve now cross posted that you don’t live with him, when you said originally that you did. So where are you on the electoral role? Where are you paying council tax - his house, or your cousin’s?

long term lurker here but your op resonated - i am long term self-employed whose business nosedived during lockdown. Also in midst of splitting from oh and we have two AN children so life can be tricky.

what i found useful is working out an income stream that i could totally depend on (doesn’t matter what for now). Dogwalking/dishwashing anything. Just don’t only use your savings.

Then find somewhere else to live. I love my oh but very draining. Constantly grey cloud. Constantly critical/negative. It pulled me down. Took me 6 months but now i can see clearly. Not out of the woods at all. But feel i can think/plan. Now. Bet you will too

Unfortunately he doesn't want me to declare his home as my address in case it affects his council tax. Personally I have no idea wtf and why. He's a very nervous person with personal stuff. I offered to pay the bills and council tax but he looked afraid so I let it go.

I haven't altered my information, I live with him but not officially, on paper, etc. I came to stay with him when his mother passed away at the start of covid. To be there during lockdown. My plan was to move on soon after but have failed to for various reasons. Not sure if I have made this clear, apologies.

I don't think I 'making my own problems'.
My confidence is shot at right now.
I have a very low income, my relationship is faltering and I am afraid, confused and not sure what to do next.

Thanks, I'm glad someone can relate. It's like swimming and not coming up for air. Sadly I have no idea why the business slumped, I don't have an easy to predict market. My work was still in demand during covid but more of us cropped up so the pool is more competitive.

I'm glad you've made a way forward. I also can't fix any side gigs here without a legal address. I know that I will have to move before I can do much, as far as I know. That hurdle terrifies me as rents are so high and my situation is so complex.

What are the barriers to finding yourself somewhere to rent on your own?

As soon as you have that you have a legal address, you can sort your passport and you could look for another income stream? You’ll be away from your DP and his odd, negative and insular thinking and you can get back to dating him or whatever was previously enjoyable about the relationship rather than being bogged down with his lifestyle choices.

Of course a rental deposit etc will eat into your savings, but it will unlock the answers to lots of your problems. When you’re feeling happier and more grounded you might then have the energy and self esteem to combat some of the bigger issues like whether to continue your business or retrain, etc.

“Unfortunately he doesn't want me to declare his home as my address in case it affects his council tax. Personally I have no idea wtf and why. He's a very nervous person with personal stuff. I offered to pay the bills and council tax but he looked afraid so I let it go.”

vs.

“he loves me and will do anything for me”

I think it’s long since time you moved on from him.

You don’t need to decide today whether it’s better retrain or rebuild your business. Continue rebuilding it and see what happens. Does it take all your time whatever the level of work you have on? Can you combine it with another job just for now to keep you from using all your savings? It’s hard to believe you can have earned a good wage from it and have no transferable skills. I think you believe that’s true because you’re down on yourself. I think having a long term partner who supposedly loves you but leaves you without an address for a passport isn’t going to make you any less down on yourself.

Get into a house share, if that’s all you can afford. Or a hospitality job with accommodation for the summer - like a campsite. Just get an address you know if yours, put your anchor down, and decide from there.

“I also can't fix any side gigs here without a legal address. I know that I will have to move before I can do much, as far as I know. That hurdle terrifies me as rents are so high and my situation is so complex.“

Then don’t allow him to “look afraid” and just give it up.

All he has to do is make you a lodger.
No legal rights over the property itself.
No tax implication (rent a room allowance is about £7K pa).
Very little obligation as a landlord (almost no notice to evict, for example).

Hey presto, you have an address and can work and get a passport.

That said, as per previous post I think you’ll move forward when you drop the deadweight.

What address are your using for your tax return though? Why can’t you use that if you get another job?

So for two and a half years you’ve had no ‘official’ address?

No wonder your business wasn’t thriving.

And where did you live before you moved in with this man who’s so eager to deny your existence?

(Sorry if my questions are a bit abrupt. Your situation is painful to read and I’m somewhat frustrated for you.)

Could you look for a part time job somewhere? Just to bring in a bit of guaranteed money and to hopefully have a bit of a social life. Then also try and revive your business while you’re not working?

You say you were well off before? How much do you have in savings roughly? Too much to make you eligible for any benefits? I get that you don’t just want to rinse through your savings for day to day living, but also surely it’s worth using them to secure yourself a small property (presumably to rent). Your living situation with your partner sounds difficult.

Can you move area? rents are not expensive everywhere. A fresh start might help

How much do have in savings?

Let's face it, your DP is probably sick of you free loading too

Good idea about the lodger aspect! Something that springs to mind is house sitting, at least if you did that it would get you out of a house you don’t like and into perhaps nicer properties, would refresh your life too.

That hurdle terrifies me as rents are so high and my situation is so complex.

OK, first things first. What is complex about your living situation? Do you need something specific - pets, space for business, what?

Then, second things second.

What sort of business is it?

Well, you say it’s a great idea… something tells me this guy would look “scared” about that, and pummel OP’s self esteem some more 😕

"freeloading".... Well done, have a lovely weekend!

Thanks to everyone else. I use my cousin's address for all of my financial stuff, it was meant to be temporary, if bizarre, it literally wasn't meant to pass 6 months, just through the lockdown. I feel ashamed, like an idiot and a failure for not having managed to get it together. I think the knock to my income just sapped my confidence and Ive been stuck like a rabbit in headlights.

Prior to this i ran my own home for 20 years, supported DP through 5 yrs of illness and unemployment, and cared for two elderly relatives. I feel as if I was once an adult and it all just fell away.

For those who asked, I have 35k. It was supposed to be my pension, but I know life gets in the way and I am lucky to have managed it at all.

This could be outing for me, but fuck it. I basically illustrate and paint botanical imagery, so have released work for postcards, wallpaper, fine art prints and originals, and worked with a lot of companies on a commission basis such as Ikea, Zara, Urban Outfitters and a quite few brands in Aus and the US.
The market got pretty heavily saturated in the past 3 or 4 years, especially during the pandemic so I am much less visible. It is very difficult to predict or plan in this line of work, although it has seen me well for the past few decades. Maybe it's over? Almost all work now is online, so apart from a few non local galleries (there are none here, not one for miles) it's all wfh.
My income averaged around 1800-2500 per month, often more, prior to 2019. I have wondered about moving on and going into a new field, just not sure what.

The drop in my income since covid is painful, I average around £500 now. Perhaps I need to change up my style/subject. It's a great CV but not worth much in terms of employability.

Ah, I see. So despite your having supported him for five years he really would prefer to have you at a distance?

You need to move out really quickly. Once you’re back under your own roof you’ll feel more like yourself and able to push forward.

I also think it’s worth persevering with your business if there’s any way forward. (If your clients are wealthy you probably will recover ‘post’-Covid. But it’s not a good time to be selling anything to people who have just seen their disposable income halved or even obliterated by their new fuel bills.)

It may be that rebuilding the business takes all your time - but if not, there’s no harm trying to find a secondary income, just to help you feel more in control of life.

Do you have an illustration agent?
If so, are they any good? Because they should be marketing you.

Crossed you, OP.

OK. So in actual living somewhere terms, do you need studio space as well as a room to live in?