To not know how to fix my life?

[trilobiterevival]

Some very basic details. Self employed, quite niche, business earned a lot over the past 20 years but slumped around covid and hasn't got back up. Like a massive drop in earnings. Maybe never will. Outside of this I am largely unemployable.
Relationship, LTR (no children), might be coming to an end, am currently living with him whilst I was finding new place but got stuck here. Not a good place, he won't move, so I will have to go alone. So I have no legal, current address. This makes it difficult for me to do a lot of stuff (renew passport, etc).

I'm used to getting by, earning a good amount, but am stumped for what to do. I could keep pushing the business, and it might recover, but there's no guarantee. My skills are not really transferable. Over the years I did manage to save a good deal, I am now dipping in to that and it is so stressful and my quality of life has taken a nosedive.

So my LTR isn't in good shape, small family and friends live at a distance, I would have to rent, and I am nearly 50.
I wake every day and feel my life is stuck, that I am 'living wrong', that I am letting my life pass me by. This stress has led to me picking at my skin and making it bleed. I know I am lucky to have my savings but that's ALL I have. DP isn't interested in moving, changing things, although we are very close and love each other, it's just not making me happy long term. WHen I discuss things with him, he either seems offended (as if he blames himself) or he tells me I am creating my own problem (!). As if it can all be fixed if i just look at it differently. Now, I have read Eckhart Tolle, but FFS.

I know we make our life choices, and I made mine. I didn't want to own a home and planned to travel in middle age, lol, but hey ho that is on hold right now! I am the only member of my family who lived a bit 'alternatively' (no kids, mortgage), so they don't get it. I think they just used to wonder why I didn't become a teacher or a psychologist or something. So this is the bed I made, I am fully responsible for it, but feel very stuck. I feel that if I had been in a relationship where the guy shared fully with me (home, plans, etc) it might have been easier, but this is never going to happen with my DP, he loves me and will do anything for me, and he allows me to be exactly who I am, but there's no drive to throw it all in and share everything, and this worries me about the future.

Can I turn this around? How could I find a new career, from scratch at my age? Or perhaps I am better sticking to my existing business and working to repair it? I would be paying rent so can't afford another degree, but might be able to push something less expensive. My existing degree won't do much for me now. I feel awful each morning, when I wake to see where I am, and how I don't know how to unstick myself from a lifestyle that is making me ill. And it's not like the UK is thriving is it? It's never been more expensive to live alone, to get by.

He’s right, he’s not good enough for you.

5 fucking years of supporting him, and you can’t even use his address as a lodger, can’t even have a bloody conversation with him about it?!!!!

Bottom line, he thinks it’ll create a claim on his asset, and Scrooge doesn’t like that.

I really think that when you get some distance from, the scales will fall from your eyes… and you’ll realise he’s actually an arsehole.

You don’t need to make permanent decisions yet. Get seasonal work for the summer in hospitality somewhere beautiful that will refresh your soul. Many popular locations have artistic locations - Cornwall is obvious. Don’t give up on your business though.

Once you are up and running again with a home and a bit of an income it would be worth seeing if you can pay someone to do a certain amounts of hours a week running your Instagram account - timing the posts, getting the best photos and filters of your work, staging the shots with props and things, the hashtags, reels, etc.

I find it very hard to imagine a style of illustration that couldn’t be advertised well on Instagram, I follow lots of those types of accounts, so I’m wondering perhaps if you need someone who specialises in making Instagram work for you, instead. You could also try drawing/painting a couple of things and sending to influencers who are big on sharing independent businesses work, to see if they’ll tag and share your page - Stacey Solomon does a lot of this type of thing for small businesses - some of whom end up so inundated with orders they have to stop taking them while they catch up with the backlog!

Do you sell on Etsy? Do you do any custom work? Perhaps if in the past you’ve been able to forge big deals with some well known brands you’ve not needed to do those types of things, but to get things up and running again maybe you could consider that? Things like hand painted wedding seating charts, place setting cards, invitations, save the dates or custom illustrations of peoples gardens (from a photo) to take advantage of the current boom in home renovation/home making.

www.totaljobs.com/job/live-in-carer/helping-hands-homecare-job97532335

Live in care work in Cornwall, strong artists community, you have cared for two elderly relatives and your selfish prick of a boyfriend when ill.

I prefer the advice to house share in a working artists community, but I want to throw out that there are short term options to get you out of there, somewhere exciting, and with housing!

Firstly, you sound amazing. You've been hugely successful and are obviously talented (this brings a wealth of positive transferable skills) and quite honestly, I think you've been very understanding and patient of your DP's 'priorities'.

I'm not saying he's a bad person, or that you haven't had great times with him. You obviously love him and he has been a good partner in lots of ways.

But. It does sound as though there's no "us" in your relationship. There's your needs, and then his needs. And he very much puts his comfort first. I'm not saying I'm right but this doesn't sound sustainable or even a recipe for a healthy relationship.

You deserve better. I really hope you find your way, and put you first.

Wow a lot to consider here, thanks everyone, this is more helpful than you know. Haha I actually love the idea of pet sitting! I would rather be in my own place first though.
Not sure I could claim UC with that much in the bank, it is personal money/savings not a proper pension fund so as far as i know I would have to have less than 16k.

Also ashamed to admit I wouldn't know how to go about getting an agent

And yes, when put to the test, when I mention anything about our living situation, he isn't terribly pleasant. He has been very kind having me here and never asked for contributions of bills etc, but it's like, sometimes, he is a bachelor at heart, at least domestically. Fuuuuck I need to move on!

Oh ffs who am i kidding. He never asked for bills but i paid most of them anyway. And tonight i wanted two glasses of wine, so asked could I have some (he had some in, i didnt) and he said yeh sure, you can give me the £3.75 tomorrow ....so for 2 glasses of wine he wanted me to pay for the bottle as it 'ruined' it for him :(

This is after last night's order arrived from Ocado, with £12 worth of fancy fucking ingredients I bought for him to make him some meatball spaghetti from scratch as a treat.

Sorry, need a vent.

I feel for you as you do seem stuck.

First thing to do is sort your home/relationship out. You will feel much lighter if you start afresh.

There are jobs out there but you'll need to be open to doing something that you may not want - or below the level you were earning before unfortunately but you need to bring some cash in.

35k is a nice cushion but will not last long if you use it for day-to-day spending.

this is why i feel paralysed, because when i move it will deplete, as even if i get any job initially, it wont likely cover rent and bills and living. So the money will be spent anyway. I have to face that.

Or op you could view that you have nothing tying you down. Get an agent then travel as you can take your work with you.

so for 2 glasses of wine he wanted me to pay for the bottle as it 'ruined' it for him

Oh bloody hell. I feel so sad and angryfor you. Whatever you plan to do, (and you will be okay) please, please plan it without this man in your life.

I wonder how much his negativity has impacted you, OP.

Yes i know that frozen feeling. How do you feel about getting a cafe job?

Or bookshop? Anything to top you up. Nothing that exhaust you.

Would you be interested in a more alternative living situation such as a house boat or mobile home on a residential park? Both more affordable than a mortgage and more grown up than renting a room but have other charges and perhaps not the resale value as a house.

If you aren't already, set your self up on Etsy and sell you artwork as printables. People can then take the downloaded version to a printers to have turned into posters etc. You can then get some passive income from this, whilst also selling 'hard' copies of postcards etc.

Creative market is an alternative where you can sell you designs with a commercial licences so that others can use your design in their own products.

What about @Testina's suggestion OP? Become a live in carer? Doesn't have to be forever and it means you could keep your savings. And there are loads of artists in Cornwall!

A complete change of scene is what you need. The rest will follow naturally.

Lots of great advice here.

The relationship no longer serves you (it sounds like it never has), so time to move on. You may love him but he sounds like he’s a drain and negatively affecting you mental health. Time to put YOU first.

You’re definitely not freeloading as you’ve offered to pay towards the bills and he’s refused.

Use your Cousin’s address to renee your passport. It’s worth paying a bit extra for the Fast Track Passport Service. We did this last Oct for the kids’ passports. The first available passport office appointment date was just after the Oct Half-Term, which meant we unfortunately couldn’t go abroad during Oct but we at least had a better chance of getting the passports in time for the Christmas break. Saying that, one of the passports was initially a failed delivery as there was no door number on the address label and then the courier attempted a 2nd delivery to a neighbour. Plus, one of the old passports still hasn’t turned up.

Our adult DD is trying to land a FT graduate role in the creative field and I could see her being just what you need to help you create your SM presence. The pandemic has affected her too since graduating a few years ago. She’s currently working PT for a well known company that stocks your type of designs. Try looking for students or anyone wanting to get some experience building up their portfolio by helping you set up an online presence. So much can be done online to discuss ideas to promote your business without having to meet up with people too often.

Good luck 🍀

Re. the wine - that’s ridiculous! You need to move out ASAP. Get a flat share or look into a house boat as another PP suggested.

volunteer.rspb.org.uk/opportunities/31001-residential-on-reserve-more-than-4-weeks-visitor-experience-residential-volunteer-arne-2022-04-20

This is a live in residential role on a nature reserve in Dorset, volunteer based but it gives you somewhere to live & perfect place to carry on with your illustrations

Thanks again everyone.
I'm not into sharing a place, it isnt beneath me (just need to say that) but Ive never done it and at my age it might make my issue worse. I just cant imagine it. The last time i did this i was 22 and omg it was a challenge.

Happy to do any work though, especially combined with my current income, it was on my to do list anyway. But i doubt a minimum wage job could pay my rent, unless im mistaken? I am so used to earning more it is hard to recalibrate.

One way or another my savings are going to take a hit, it's impossible not to. Due to my current income I would have to offer 6 months upfront to secure a home.

I am feeling more with it though, thanks to these suggestions, I realise that i am lost in a fog and my confidence is shot.

i....er....like this. That is so far away, crikey!

I'm not into sharing a place, it isnt beneath me (just need to say that) but Ive never done it and at my age it might make my issue worse. I just cant imagine it. The last time i did this i was 22 and omg it was a challenge.

Quoting self, i meant never done it as a fully fledged adult.

Hi , have you considered a PGDE/PGCE? Only takes ten months and could be a teacher of art or maybe something else? Decent income and pension. I did it when I was older than you, 30 years after getting my degree and no regrets!

Hi OP,
You could advertise for a marketing/social media specialist to push your online presence and manage your social media. You could offer perhaps 20% commission of any work they bring in - because 80% of a well paid job is still good.

You could advertise for example "successful freelance artists with proven history of working for..(clients)..... seeking marketing/social media professional on a commission basis

Something like that
Good luck

And tonight i wanted two glasses of wine, so asked could I have some (he had some in, i didnt) and he said yeh sure, you can give me the £3.75 tomorrow ....so for 2 glasses of wine he wanted me to pay for the bottle as it 'ruined' it for him :(

😮

Ruined it how? He just didn't want to share it with you?

It really doesn't sound like there is any partnership there to speak of. I'm having a hard time just imagining myself refusing to let even a friend use my address if they moved in with us short term, let alone a significant other.

I mean that's where you live, what else does he think you should do?

Don't go into teaching unless you actually want to teach. Doing art and teaching art are definitely not the same thing.

Your fear of using up your money and ending up poor is destroying you - to the extent that you are stuck, and so anxious you are picking at skin. Being poor is nothing to be terrified of, you just learn how to spend less. It may seem petrifying if you grew up wealthy, but honestly, there are worse things in life than having to tighten your belt.

Despite what the media says, we do have a state pension in this country that is enough to survive on. Bite the bullet: spend your savings. You could pay for rent, anywhere you fancy, or - what the hell - go travelling round the world for 18 months. Find you dreams again.

Prioritise getting out of that house with him asap, even if it is not to a new official address.

e.g. there are intentional communities that give free temporary board and lodging to people who will do gardening - google 'diggers and dreamers' for a directory. Monkton Wyld in Dorset is one.

Get out of there and start the rest of your life!

Also ashamed to admit I wouldn't know how to go about getting an agent

www.nbillustration.co.uk/about-us/

thebrightagency.com/us/what-we-do

centralillustration.com/illustration