To not know how to fix my life?

[trilobiterevival]

Some very basic details. Self employed, quite niche, business earned a lot over the past 20 years but slumped around covid and hasn't got back up. Like a massive drop in earnings. Maybe never will. Outside of this I am largely unemployable.
Relationship, LTR (no children), might be coming to an end, am currently living with him whilst I was finding new place but got stuck here. Not a good place, he won't move, so I will have to go alone. So I have no legal, current address. This makes it difficult for me to do a lot of stuff (renew passport, etc).

I'm used to getting by, earning a good amount, but am stumped for what to do. I could keep pushing the business, and it might recover, but there's no guarantee. My skills are not really transferable. Over the years I did manage to save a good deal, I am now dipping in to that and it is so stressful and my quality of life has taken a nosedive.

So my LTR isn't in good shape, small family and friends live at a distance, I would have to rent, and I am nearly 50.
I wake every day and feel my life is stuck, that I am 'living wrong', that I am letting my life pass me by. This stress has led to me picking at my skin and making it bleed. I know I am lucky to have my savings but that's ALL I have. DP isn't interested in moving, changing things, although we are very close and love each other, it's just not making me happy long term. WHen I discuss things with him, he either seems offended (as if he blames himself) or he tells me I am creating my own problem (!). As if it can all be fixed if i just look at it differently. Now, I have read Eckhart Tolle, but FFS.

I know we make our life choices, and I made mine. I didn't want to own a home and planned to travel in middle age, lol, but hey ho that is on hold right now! I am the only member of my family who lived a bit 'alternatively' (no kids, mortgage), so they don't get it. I think they just used to wonder why I didn't become a teacher or a psychologist or something. So this is the bed I made, I am fully responsible for it, but feel very stuck. I feel that if I had been in a relationship where the guy shared fully with me (home, plans, etc) it might have been easier, but this is never going to happen with my DP, he loves me and will do anything for me, and he allows me to be exactly who I am, but there's no drive to throw it all in and share everything, and this worries me about the future.

Can I turn this around? How could I find a new career, from scratch at my age? Or perhaps I am better sticking to my existing business and working to repair it? I would be paying rent so can't afford another degree, but might be able to push something less expensive. My existing degree won't do much for me now. I feel awful each morning, when I wake to see where I am, and how I don't know how to unstick myself from a lifestyle that is making me ill. And it's not like the UK is thriving is it? It's never been more expensive to live alone, to get by.

There are many people who find themselves at a cross roads in their lives @trilobiterevival this is yours. You haven't done anything wrong, you are learning.

1. Could you get a part time job to boost your income?
2. Definitely see if your agent can do better marketing. Are you on Etsy? Artist groups etc?
3. Try to make a plan to find somewhere else to live, even something small. Or perhaps housesitting? There are some great sites that match you to quite lovely homes for longer stays. For example acquaintances in Wales go to Canada for 4 months every year, they use a site and have housesitters who care for their dog and hens. It sounds like you could do your job from anywhere.
4. Try to not see it as life having passed you by, but instead a new/fresh start, even at a more mature age. There isn't much you can't do. Perhaps plan a holiday with a solo group for 2023 or 2024 even a UK cheaper one. If you want to be a parent maybe it isn't too late via adoption.

You can do this. You get to choose what life you want now and there will be ups and downs but don't give up.

Just a random thought as you have mentioned getting a Passport a few times - perhaps when you are more settled you could research the possibility of giving art/painting classes to people on holiday in France etc.. This would only be for summer months but you are not tied down by regular employment anyway. Various specialised holiday companies arrange these sort of holidays.

He went dark, quickly and stated it would cause him harm if I used his address

Such complete and utter nonsense on his part.

He needs to seek help for his many issues.

Council tax in our region, (you can look yours up on line for the exact figure which is the only way to deal with his nonsense) and I think in most regions - a single person's discount is 25%. Since you've already offered to pay towards it.. what does he mean by the extra amount doing him harm? It's rubbish. You say he's generous. I wonder if it's him that's saying he is generous but I can't see it from your description.

He is holding you back and making you pay for things and then piling on the guilt with this fear and harm nonsense.

As I said before Digital Check and send passport at a participating post office is just an extra £16 on top of the cheapest paper application (£75) and you will get it within 3 weeks. As you already use your cousin's address for all the financial accounts this is the best way to do it. Don't even bother asking him again, its like asking his permission, he will just drag you down with more nonsense.

You have some savings, you have many skills and talents and hopes and ambitions. You've just lost your confidence a bit and its hardly surprising having to be around all this negativity - its got you feeling that everything is impossible but its really not. You have lots of options if you find them and sieze them. Lots of good advice on here. Invest a small amount in getting away to give yourself some breathing room and make your plans. You deserve more than being dragged down by his "fear" and "harm" nonsense.

Someone mentioned tax allowance of £7k as a lodger.
But surely that is ontop of current earnings..

So if they were on £35k wouldn't that suddenly bring it up to £42k taxable income? Just interested..

That job above has shared accommodation and no salary doesn't it? That doesn't seem like a great offer particularly given all the things you'd have to do.

I am making a note of all the links you have given me. I can't tell you how much i appreciate your advice .

I needed a boot up the arse, and this is a good thing.

still, I cant get over the reality of how quickly my savings will go down when i make a move....and yet i have to. there's no choice.

In your shoes, I would look for a seasonal job with accommodation. We just came back from Cornwall and saw lots of shops and cafes advertising.

It would get you away and give you time to think about what to do next.

I'm sorry but at my age, and how I am in general, i am not interested in seasonal work, like i might have been as a teenager. I guess i will jut have to utilise my savings and go from there.

what i want to say to him at this point, is fuck you, fuck you and fuck you. And that is that. I am so tired of his condescending shit, of him telling me i am ok when i have a throat infection, of him fucking trailing me along at 49yrs old like i am 16.

We don't even have sex, and that is apparently my fault as i didnt go on the pill (medical reasons). Fuck this all to hell.

Oh op, you need to get away from him so badly.
Anything you have to lose from your savings in order to do so, you should consider a sanity tax. If you stay there, you'll eventually go insane and no savings will help you then

I know that i could change my life by moving out, by spending a good amount of my savings, and what a pp said about it running out so quickly keeps me grounded here.

God i need to accumulate the courage to split. Fuck the money, what else is it there for if not to get you out of hell?

At least you’ve got a decent amount of savings. More than enough to move out straight away. It’s all your money. You’ve worked hard for it and saved it. Money gives you options, so use it. If not at a time such as this, when?

You’ve definitely got transferable skills; use them.

I hear you about not wanting to share accommodation with anyone else, not wanting to do seasonal work, being accustomed to a better lifestyle and not being treated and feeling like a teenager, etc but needs must and you need to do whatever you need to do to put yourself in a better place.
What’s the point in having access to money that you do not want to use in order to quickly get yourself out of the hole that you find yourself in?

OP you say you don’t want to live where you are now but where did you live before? Were you renting then?

Wld tent be too expensive if you returned to there? Not to same property obvs but maybe somewhere cheaper. Would you consider living on a narrow boat for eg for a short period if rents are cheaper? You might need to get any old job to at least just cover say your rent & some bills so that you’re not draining your savings so quickly. That is doable but maybe only in a fairly modest flat or property.

I know it feels embarrassing /demoralising having to go backwards but lots of people have terrible disruptions in their lives & careers for all kinds of reasons as you well know & sometimes they have to do a stepping stone kind of a phase to be able get back on to the right track - whether that’s proves to be illustration again or in something completely different.

What about any roles in galleries, museums, National Trust properties? But then focus on getting a career plan/agent etc on your days off.
Could you sell any of your illustrations directly at any arts fairs/local galleries/ (or is that too small fry?) or online? Again you may need a regular job to fund you while you regroup & redirect yourself.

Wishing you courage & luck. You kind so talented & I’m sure you will find your way again 🍀

If you don’t know where you want to live then I would look for house sitting or seasonal work that comes with accommodation.

Then you can try different areas to find one that suits.

mid get part time work so you have money to pay some basic bills without dipping into your savings and then review your work situation.

Living somewhere else away from this guy who is an energy thief will make all the other decisions easier.

Something that sprang to mind when you said you were an artist is diversifying into other areas. For example lots of people love portraits of their pets. Lots of people who can’t think what to get people as gifts like them too as a great gift idea. Or portraits of their houses or gardens (if you can do this from photos). You could sell through Etsy both locally and internationally.

HI OP.
I have the same problems with my work post Covid, but have burned through all my savings and am older than you, so it's awful. I sympathise.

I recommend you move out asap. Just do it. I know you don't want to house share, but it will save you a lot and more importantly you can meet some great new people and check them out in detail first - Cohabitas for people over 40 is really cool - just have a look cohabitas.com/

I hope this doesn't sound ungrateful but I would rather stay here than live in a single room in a shared house. I am familiar with a few people who have done that and it didn't go down well, they couldn't wait to get out. I'm not in an abusive situation, just a miserable one, and at least this is rent free.

I would consider spending some money to get a small flat, but i need room to work, a single room wouldn't help me as I have a six foot table for a start! I am happy to downgrade in many ways but not to a single room.
I'd rather put 10k aside and just go for it on my own and work to begin with, see where i go from there.

Could you teach online art classes? Did some drink covid ad they were fantastic. I'd love to do more. Would you teach me?
I think you need an agent for the social media side of things. You must be so talented.
Can you rent a small flat/ apartment over here in the 'shires'. It's not as expensive but rural and beautiful. Then travel a bit once things pick up?

Hello, just sending a hug. Your thread is helping me- also stuck, arty and 50 odd. Dreaming of getting rid of Dh and tuning the house into an artists flatshare and studio! Sigh!

I would suggest Falmouth would be a great fit for you OP.

Connect with Falmouth uni as there is loads of support for graduates of creative arts and your CV is great.

Falmouth has an eBike scheme, beach, close to countryside, can get the train to Truro then on the main line.

Have you heard of Skillshare? It's an online learning platform, with lots of videos about marketing yourself online. It might be helpful for you to learn the social media side of illustration, and look into passive income like print on demand. You could also look into becoming one of the teachers too (another passive income once you've created the course) You do have to pay to access it, but it's fairly affordable as it's a year long membership.
Another option is to look at Patreon, where people pay a monthly amount to see more of your work. Some illustrators seem to be making the bulk of their income through that.

OP, you and your dp are sort of using each other. You are finding reasons not to leave because you live rent free, which enables you to hang on to you savings.

On the other hand, there appears to be no future with your dp as he is unwilling to build a life with you and refuses to share his assets. He is even denying your existence by claiming single household council tax even though you live there full time.

OP you sound so sad and frustrated. Please move out and see it as the start of a new beginning.

As you are so talented with your art work perhaps you could look to diversify into other areas. I agree commissions for using your lifelike drawings would be a great way to go. Also simple things like designing and creating invitations, cards etc to sell online would give you some income.

What about considering something completely new, like using your skills to design bespoke tattoos? Loads of people want lifelike artwork as a tattoo. Perhaps you could sell some of your designs on licence to various tattoo shops. You could also design bespoke tattoos for people via an online platform. People could then take your unique design into the tattoo shop. Or maybe you could even retrain and become a tattoo artist.

Good luck with whatever you do. Just don't stay where you are. Life is for living. Go and use your fantastic talent and enhance your own life and that of other people. xx

1. He is not a 'nice' man. Not at all. I struggle to see how he is enhancing your life even a little bit.
2. The point of having savings is in case of an emergency. Right now is your emergency. Use some of them to set yourself up in a little flat.
3. Start your new life. Personally I would get any job to give me an income, while also investigating an agent and the other good ideas suggested by PP so you could work on restarting your previous career.
4. Once you are more settled, start to build up your savings again.

All of this.

OP, I think one of the reasons you feel so stuck is due to the effect of this appalling 'relationship'.

If you could move out, anywhere, to start, you could make some plans.

Don't see it as something you need to do all at once - that's not possible. Instead, make it a priority to move out, using your savings.

Then consider your options eg it seems like you need to find somewhere cheaper to live as you want to live on your own etc.

I feel career-wise you have so many options, clearly being very talented, you just need space to see them.

How about an adventure using www.workaway.info/en/signup/host or other similar sites.

You could find a host for a month or two in the UK or anywhere.
You cover cost of getting there, then they feed you for up to 25 hours a week work.

You would incur no bills, have enough time to draw and paint and take stock of what you want. Some time away from your, less than supportive, DP might help enormously.