To not know how to fix my life?

[trilobiterevival]

Some very basic details. Self employed, quite niche, business earned a lot over the past 20 years but slumped around covid and hasn't got back up. Like a massive drop in earnings. Maybe never will. Outside of this I am largely unemployable.
Relationship, LTR (no children), might be coming to an end, am currently living with him whilst I was finding new place but got stuck here. Not a good place, he won't move, so I will have to go alone. So I have no legal, current address. This makes it difficult for me to do a lot of stuff (renew passport, etc).

I'm used to getting by, earning a good amount, but am stumped for what to do. I could keep pushing the business, and it might recover, but there's no guarantee. My skills are not really transferable. Over the years I did manage to save a good deal, I am now dipping in to that and it is so stressful and my quality of life has taken a nosedive.

So my LTR isn't in good shape, small family and friends live at a distance, I would have to rent, and I am nearly 50.
I wake every day and feel my life is stuck, that I am 'living wrong', that I am letting my life pass me by. This stress has led to me picking at my skin and making it bleed. I know I am lucky to have my savings but that's ALL I have. DP isn't interested in moving, changing things, although we are very close and love each other, it's just not making me happy long term. WHen I discuss things with him, he either seems offended (as if he blames himself) or he tells me I am creating my own problem (!). As if it can all be fixed if i just look at it differently. Now, I have read Eckhart Tolle, but FFS.

I know we make our life choices, and I made mine. I didn't want to own a home and planned to travel in middle age, lol, but hey ho that is on hold right now! I am the only member of my family who lived a bit 'alternatively' (no kids, mortgage), so they don't get it. I think they just used to wonder why I didn't become a teacher or a psychologist or something. So this is the bed I made, I am fully responsible for it, but feel very stuck. I feel that if I had been in a relationship where the guy shared fully with me (home, plans, etc) it might have been easier, but this is never going to happen with my DP, he loves me and will do anything for me, and he allows me to be exactly who I am, but there's no drive to throw it all in and share everything, and this worries me about the future.

Can I turn this around? How could I find a new career, from scratch at my age? Or perhaps I am better sticking to my existing business and working to repair it? I would be paying rent so can't afford another degree, but might be able to push something less expensive. My existing degree won't do much for me now. I feel awful each morning, when I wake to see where I am, and how I don't know how to unstick myself from a lifestyle that is making me ill. And it's not like the UK is thriving is it? It's never been more expensive to live alone, to get by.

So much good advice on here.

Op I think a cheap Airbnb for a month to trail a new town/village is the way forward. Is set aside £5000 to support your move. You won’t need it all, put the rest somewhere inaccessible (60 day account etc).

Try and pick up some related work (arts cafe/arts centre) and see if you can get somewhere close to a college that offers art courses so the option of tutoring is available.

Google suggests:
Lancaster
Burley
Preston

all have fine arts degree colleges. If you get a map online and look at all the towns and villages within 5 miles (electric bike) radius around those maybe there will be some options to consider?

Then I’d set aside £250 for 3 day trips to my 3 favourite. I’d go an a research mission.
Think of it as a trail. No commitments, just experiment until you think something might work. Maybe look at potential neighbourhoods, perhaps you know one or two people through your other friends or cousin, meet them for
lunch. Check out the local walks.

Financially I would 100% prioritise finding a permanent, part-time, community based job which gives you the opportunity to meet people, regular routine, and a small but regular income. that month 1. Cafe, barista, cinema work, anything. Do that for 3 months before you do anything else.

From there you could think about a more permanent rental. It’s scary, change always is. But one step at a time. Xx

🤗🌻

@PinktoothbrushBluetoothbrush This sounds really great actually, very much how I'd like to go about things. Thank you.

I am concerned about the costs of accommodation whilst trailing a place though. I know holiday lets would cost around £2K a month in the north at least due to the time of year. And if i spent that much but then didn't find anything... aaagh!

I really like Kendal and I liked Ludlow. Both accessible by West Coast Mainline, although I feel ludlow is a bit cut off in general and with much less infrastructure. I could afford a small place in either, but the holiday accom is stupidly expensive. Will have to have a think.

Things have gone from bad to worse here today. I've seen this play out in the past and am not liking it.
Apparently I have discussed my fears about my business failing a month ago, so he says it needn't be discussed again! He also tells me he has had a giant psoriasis flare up due to the 'stress'. So my problems and needs are making him ill. I am beginning to think that I have unearthed a pit of snakes here..

OP, I appreciate you are overwhelmed, but you are putting up barriers to everything! Cut it out!

These are great suggestions, thanks so much. I love Kendal especially but at this point in time I have no idea how to get to places and view rentals. To stay over would cost a fortune in the lakes area

You went to uni, you are 50, yes, you DO know how to go places. You can take a bus, or a train.
Rent an Airbnb midweek. You can do this. I have no doubt that your situation is stressful, I genuinely understand.

Stop thinking of the cost of things and think about the value.
Your boyfriend is saving you rent, but the situation is draining your confidence. Is that a great trade?

Being a house-sitter isn't your preferred situation, but it means you can survive, and it gets you out of your situation. That has value.

The next thing you do doesn't have to be the thing you do for life, it just has to be a life raft to get you off the sinking ship you are on

Well if you do have to rent at holiday-rates for a month, just think of it as a kind of holiday to check out the area.

Or a better idea might be to go on a few weekend trips to your target areas, staying in a budget hotel chain. When you have found a place that looks promising, get an assured shorthold tenancy which is only for 6 months. This would give you time to make a proper assessment and see the place in autumn/winter before making long-term plans. Get a part-time job when you get the 6-month tenancy.
Get all your stuff out of his house as soon as you get a temporary tenancy elsewhere - rent a storage unit if necessary. Once you leave you don't want to ever go back.

He is sulking and stomping around so you stop raising things with him.

Just ignore him and don't engage with him.

Have you got a to-do list started for tomorrow?

1. Passport
2. Start finding an agent
3. Self care

Then Tuesday can be

1. Chat to and finalise agent.
2. Work
3. Self care

Wednesday could be:

1. Researching areas to live
2. Finding a short term let either in that area or near where you are now (anything to get away from misery guts)
3. Self care

Some of these comments are a slap in the face that I NEED, my ability to even think straight at present is a challenge. The stress has affected me more than i thought.

The to-do list is inspiring. I still feel muddled as to what needs to come first. I think it is the housing tbh, as this place is affecting the way i work daily. Since the pandemic my workflow has just slowed almost to a standstill. This then creates stress, and on we go. I will be better placed to sort out work related issues after moving. The reason I remained here was to 'save up', and that has turned on it's head.

I've been checking holiday lets through summer. In my areas of interest we are talking over £2500 for a month. I know some of you say don't worry about the money, I am going to need 6 months rent in advance, I presume, so this is a bit worrying. I am aware of creating barriers, I do admit that it's more fear and feeling overwhelmed than anything.

It's a pity it isnt october! The prices plummet but not by much.
If i stay somewhat local, the nicer areas a more expensive than I'd thought, even though it's a dead end town. I would be able to afford living in the lakes or shropshire far easier. God it's so muddling. How to research areas without a car and without destroying my savings too fast?
Im sorry if i sound like a pain in the arse, I am trying.

So far:
Hebden Bridge, London prices! I have friends there, it might as well be Harrogate
Kendal, ok, seem to prefer to let to locals, average to high rents, great connections, fab infrastructure and my passion for hiking fulfilled!

Ludlow, affordable for a flat, local jobs, nice place, 'my cup of tea'. Not well placed for shopping or being car-less to start with.

Places like Milnthorpe an Kirkby Lonsdale, very few properties and again they seem to prefer local lets. No through train routes, dependent on buses to kendal to get anywhere. Services iffy in winter.

Aside from that most places in the north west are quite expensive, even though a lot are struggling. Anywhere decent from Parbold to Burscough is extortionate and barely any local amenities.Not a fan of anywhere like Blackpool, Preston or Southport.

Are these barriers? I don't know. I feel nobody will want to let to me with failing wages and an artists career path. I could offer a large guarantee up front but no guarantor (nobody i know would be comfortable with that). I feel so stuffed before I begin :(

You know at one time i didnt let anything get in my way, i could charm my way into anything out there (i dont mean as a woman, just as a person), i just pushed forward with confidence.

Are family out of the question? Not long term but as a stepping stone?

OP
you say you are in a muddle about what comes first.

leave him, is what comes first. Even if just an air B and B. Relocate to the nearest short let or six month let. You have excellent skills. The location is much less of an issue than getting away from him.

tbh I'm not clear what address you've registered the business at but it doesn't matter. Leave him, preferably with as short notice as possible.

your whole world will open up after that.

Ludlow, affordable for a flat, local jobs, nice place, 'my cup of tea'. Not well placed for shopping or being car-less to start with

When you say “shopping” - what do you mean?

And it’s got a train station, so easily accessible to most places north to Shrewsbury/Crewe/Manchester or south to Newport (for London).

What needs to be done first is your passport unless you have other forms of ID.

Without ID you can't get a job or a place to live.

What needs to be done first is your passport unless you have other forms of ID.

Without ID you can't get a job or a place to live.

Is there anything stopping you buying an inexpensive secondhand car?
Please don't say it will deplete your savings...I think this fear of spending any of your money is keeping you trapped in this terrible situation.

You actually have far more savings than most people. You have the wherewithal to pay to get yourself out of this situation, and still have some savings left over!

Yep. Get your passport sorted first.

That will take a couple of weeks express.

During that time reach out to agents - your wealth of experience/portfolio will set you in good stead. You will only find out if they will take you if you reach out.

Most importantly disengage as much as you can emotionally from your OH. You know he will not change. The only thing you can change is your reactions to him.

The problem is my cousin, i was supposed to use the address for 6 months (yes for business affairs and bank), and whilst she won't say anything i can tell it's bothering her now. I simply can't go using her address for new stuff like a car, passport, etc. I will have to move first. I do have other forms of ID so ok there.

It's one of those things, someone does you a favour and it goes on for too long. We are not close, she is just generous and decent and i am embarrassed now.

Sadly all that remains of my family are in care or not in a position to lend a spare room.

To add stress to the equation my brother who lives close by keeps asking why dont i get a place around here. He clearly doesnt want me to leave town, and I am so bloody weary of people who are not thinking of my own wellbeing. He is well off, happy, married, but simply cant bear the thought of sis leaving, even if it benefits me.

Honestly right now i feel so alone, confused and pissed off. I actually dont even know right from wrong i am so stressed out.

OP is your brother coming from a good place? Why not show him this thread, ask if you can use his address till you move?

have you been honest with loved ones about the seriousness of your situation?

No not everyone has family & like you say there’s a limit to how long they can help anyway.

Presumably you were living locally before you moved into DP’s. Did you rent then or were you looking after family members & living with them? Wondering if you could just move back to same place you lived previously (in maybe a cheaper property) because it’s what you know, so you aren’t having to make big life changing decisions about where to live ultimately & focus on just one ball in the air like your career?

Like PP’s have said break it down into manageable chunks & just take it step by step.

And try not to be too tough in yourself. Easier said than done! 💐

On not in!

I looked after my mum for 3 years here and then my uncle and aunt. I then moved to Ambleside in Cumbria for 2 years and came back to DP during first lockdown. I always wanted to go back to Cumbria as i fit in and did work there on top of my self employment, it was my 'happy place' to put it badly.

But after my mum passed away i got stuck here. I kept planning to move back but in that time the lake district archived world heritage status and became more expensive due to covid.

I am stuck for where to go after that. It was a good place for me.

I’m sorry you lost your mum. Oh I see hence why it’s pricing you out. Covid has a lot to answer for on so many levels.

I’d go back to where you feel you fit
because that’s really important. You have the means initially & maybe your brother could be guarantor for your rent? Your self employment earnings on top of a part time job would be good enough for renting surely? You said they only accept local lets? I’ve haven’t come across that before. Are they allowed to discriminate? I thought you have to be very neutral about preferences. Could having lived & worked in Cumbria previously not count towards that? As for your brother - Lancaster isn’t far from Cumbria at all - it’s not as if you’d be at opposite ends of the country!! Presumably he could visit & it’s close enough to not feel as isolated as maybe Ludlow would?
Best of luck 🍀

Lots of great advice on this thread.

OP, you sound like a fantastic persion who has selflessly spent a lot of time looking after others, one of whom is apparently a manupilative, bottomless pit of doom.

You can do this leap of faith. You absolutely can, and you will, and future you is going to thank you so much. We in this thread have faith in you. You've got this!

@trilobiterevival well done on the research so far. I think the to do list is also great.

Accommodation wise I think your best option by far is the take a room for the summer. It’s is only for the summer - think of it as an extended summer break - and gives you chance to find stop gap regular part time work, (plenty in hospitality at this time of year) and find your feet before finding a longer term place. It’s a room with a view, a summer sojourn, whilst you try out and experiment life in a new place.

You can do this. Put your stuff in storage for £100 a month. Set up a post office address for correspondence. take what you need for 12 weeks. And buy a secondhand cheap car.

Go for it x

Hi OP,
This is interesting?
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/68058739#/?channel=RES_BUY
It's shared ownership at 25%

There will be rent to pay on the other 75% but it may be low (can't see what it is in the advert) and as a flat you would also need to know about the lease, ground rent and maintenance charge. I believe you can claim housing benefit to help with the rent part of shared ownership if your income is low.

If you look at the layout of the flat it looks like you could have a lodger sharing only your kitchen. You can rent a room tax free using the rent a room scheme (I believe). From what I can see googling shared ownership looks like you can usually take a lodger but not sublet the whole flat.

This is closer - lakedistrictfarmersarms.com/2022/04/give-some-get-some-a-new-kind-of-residency-for-artists-creatives/

Not a long term solution I know, but there's more like this out there and it could unlock something - creativity, community, inspiration, a step forward...