To not know how to fix my life?

[trilobiterevival]

Some very basic details. Self employed, quite niche, business earned a lot over the past 20 years but slumped around covid and hasn't got back up. Like a massive drop in earnings. Maybe never will. Outside of this I am largely unemployable.
Relationship, LTR (no children), might be coming to an end, am currently living with him whilst I was finding new place but got stuck here. Not a good place, he won't move, so I will have to go alone. So I have no legal, current address. This makes it difficult for me to do a lot of stuff (renew passport, etc).

I'm used to getting by, earning a good amount, but am stumped for what to do. I could keep pushing the business, and it might recover, but there's no guarantee. My skills are not really transferable. Over the years I did manage to save a good deal, I am now dipping in to that and it is so stressful and my quality of life has taken a nosedive.

So my LTR isn't in good shape, small family and friends live at a distance, I would have to rent, and I am nearly 50.
I wake every day and feel my life is stuck, that I am 'living wrong', that I am letting my life pass me by. This stress has led to me picking at my skin and making it bleed. I know I am lucky to have my savings but that's ALL I have. DP isn't interested in moving, changing things, although we are very close and love each other, it's just not making me happy long term. WHen I discuss things with him, he either seems offended (as if he blames himself) or he tells me I am creating my own problem (!). As if it can all be fixed if i just look at it differently. Now, I have read Eckhart Tolle, but FFS.

I know we make our life choices, and I made mine. I didn't want to own a home and planned to travel in middle age, lol, but hey ho that is on hold right now! I am the only member of my family who lived a bit 'alternatively' (no kids, mortgage), so they don't get it. I think they just used to wonder why I didn't become a teacher or a psychologist or something. So this is the bed I made, I am fully responsible for it, but feel very stuck. I feel that if I had been in a relationship where the guy shared fully with me (home, plans, etc) it might have been easier, but this is never going to happen with my DP, he loves me and will do anything for me, and he allows me to be exactly who I am, but there's no drive to throw it all in and share everything, and this worries me about the future.

Can I turn this around? How could I find a new career, from scratch at my age? Or perhaps I am better sticking to my existing business and working to repair it? I would be paying rent so can't afford another degree, but might be able to push something less expensive. My existing degree won't do much for me now. I feel awful each morning, when I wake to see where I am, and how I don't know how to unstick myself from a lifestyle that is making me ill. And it's not like the UK is thriving is it? It's never been more expensive to live alone, to get by.

No Ive never used an agent. I started out back in 2005 online representing myself and just remained that way. Clients used to just find me (I'm in a lot of stores so visible that way), which was incredibly lucky, and many are still with me, but I seem not to have transitioned well to social media.

Since early 2020 most of my monthly payments just kept on shrinking and shrinking. It's difficult to work out why as the brands won't disclose that information. I have considered setting up stores of my own but not sure if that's any more lucrative as would have to drive traffic in myself. I would be happy to do that but drumming up visibility via SM is tricky right now.

OK.

I'm not sure it is that complex tbh but your pain and stress comes through clearly and I'm sorry about some of the nasty replies you've had.

Plan:

1. Get a rental flat/house share and dump your useless "d"p
2. Apply for your passport at new address
3. Make efforts to increase your business viability and access Or retrain
4. Take some time to reassess amd decide what you want the next stage of your life to look like

Sounds to me like your "d"p has used you for 5 years and now you need support "looks scared"? Boo fucking hoo!

You are only 50 and thank God you have savings you can use.

Get away from this situation which is - I'm sure - the cause of your inability to focus and make plans.

Good luck.

Then I strongly suggest you get an agent.

Your business can adapt and change and thrive again. You are talented and you’ll be in Deb and again. But realistically you can’t sort out a boss social media plan, update a website and sell stock and get all energised all by yourself, and you need to be mentally in a place to tackle all this.

Do you have any art colleges near you? Often looking for short course tutors etc. This can be part of a plan of diversifying.

But first things first. What sort of accommodation do you think you need?

I think you have a big ball of barriers to what you want to do that you have to try to untangle step by step. It sounds as if your partner is "afraid" of doing anything and is knowingly or unknowingly putting barriers in front of you all the time. It sounds as though his fear is affecting you.
So first step. Addresses seem to be worrying you a lot but they are fixable.

So go ahead and use your cousins address and get a passport.
Despite all the passport fuss at the moment, we were advised to use Digital Check and Send at a suitable post office. It costs an extra £16 on top of paper passport application but that includes the photo and secure postage of your existing passport - so its actually worth it. They make the application for you while you wait. It took less than 10 minutes as your existing passport details are already on there. We sent off two straightforward renewals and they came back to us in 12 and 18 days.. so you wouldn't have to trespass on cousin's address for much longer. I am not 100 percent sure about this but if you did want to do a different degree then you could probably apply for a student loan? and have a long time to pay back, I don't think you'd have to continue paying once you reach retirement age( Not 100 percent sure, but check the UCAS website they have all the details. You could have mature student accommodation and with your skills could probably continue to earn whilst you do your degree.
You are a specialist illustrator - and have worked for big name clients - that is a fantastic skill. Have you got a website? An Instagram? You could make it look fantastic with your illustrations. As pp suggested an agent? could you put together a portfolio and remarket yourself.
Are you tied to working in your current location? if you are WFH, why not when you get your passport rent an air b and b for a month somewhere inspirational like Rome for example and work from there for a while ...It would give you a real break and a chance to think and dream. Or pick somewhere with fantastic plantlife and get some extra inspiration, and freedom at the same time.
It sounds as if you have spent a lot of time caring for others and now it's time for you to shake off whatever is holding you back and plan for yourself.
You don't have to do it all at once, but step by step and within a few months you will have moved a considerable way forward which will give you the impetus to keep going. Wishing you the very best of luck

Try doing the morrisby psychometric test online and pay to speak to advisers

www.morrisby.com/career-changers

Unfortunately he doesn't want me to declare his home as my address in case it affects his council tax... I offered to pay the bills and council tax but he looked afraid so I let it go
This is dreadful, it's stopping you from having a legal address, and you've offered to pay the council tax extra ( worth checking online how much extra it would be a month)
So his "fear" and paranoia of telling the government anything is seriously impacting your life - you took care of him for five years when he was ill but he won't let you pay a bit of council tax so you can have a legal address. And you cannot discuss it with him as he becomes offended.
This is not on. You can't be contained because of his phobias, its so incredibly unfair and selfish. When he says he will do anything for you, he means anything that won't inconvenience him. I hope you manage to find a pathway through this so you can move forward.

Sounds to me like your "d"p has used you for 5 years and now you need support "looks scared"? Boo fucking hoo!

Eh? The OP has only been making £500 p/m for the past three years. I imagine her partner has been supporting her financially this entire time, unless I've missed something.

What about creating kitchen ranges - mugs, oven matts and aprons and so on.

or running some botanical painting glasses for adults

Op supported him for 5 years through illness

He has let his home fall to ruin by the sound of it

Thank you for such thought out replies I really appreciate them, it is definitely all a tangle inside of my head, and am so used to doing well that it is hard to readjust and accept failure.
Dp is lovely, I haven't painted a good image here, just the parts that cause me issue. The truth is we are different with our priorities, and the good thing is he will champion anything i want to do, so long as he can stay in his own comfort zone. It is true that someone can be lovable but just not exactly right for you. It would hurt him to see this, but then I have told him these things, they are not hidden.

No, no local colleges near us, and it's a very dead kind of place with regards to arts.
I will get on to the passport first.

I love the idea of going away for new inspiration and just some decent fresh air, I very rarely get out here and there's nowhere to even go, not even any decent local walks. I think I am just so afraid of touching the savings, and yet i KNOW i have to. I am lucky to bloody have them at this point, and I need to change the way I look at that. I must concentrate on using the money to move forward and allow myself to do so. It's all just fear, it's a crippling thing.

What would I dream of?
I would like to meet new people, to live somewhere with decent countryside but enough local shops and stuff to do, transport too. Maybe to be able to get involved in stuff where I live, connected to nature, etc.
Obviously my budget for rent is not high, even with the savings, but I dont want to end up in a run down place.
I want a simple life, with my work, some friends and to be able to enjoy the outdoors, good food, a bit of culture. I'm not a party animal or a high flier, so simplicity would be enough, just so long as it's a nice environment.

It is true that I just don't know how to take that first step. There are people in much worse situations than I am (violence, long term poverty, illness,) but I just feel so trapped and lost.

You need to move areas. The things you want are readily available. Gather your courage!

He's not that bad! He just has his own ways, he is a kind and loving person, but perhaps not best suited to me domestically.

He hasn't supported me financially this past few years, he simply couldn't apart from letting me stay in his home. I have had to access my savings some months.

He's generous and helpful but we have different backgrounds. I grew up in ease, with very generous parents, he wasn't close to his parents and struggled financially when young. I think he is reserved with money because of that. I joke that he is a scrooge though, sometimes.

again i resonate with lovely oh but not quite suited - that was me too Until i made myself separate.

Took 6 months for me to see clearly. In my case there was a definite pulling down by my oh.

A lot of time would wildly exaggerate dire consequences of fairly small issues for eg a small dispute with a neighbour could result in acid in my face ...
intentionally trying to cause anxiety.

Other times would fake dire consequences if running slightly late for appointment.

this combined with a grey cloud attitude chipped away and chippped away ar my optimism etc.

pretty sure if you really walked away you would find yourself finding out truths like these and the affect it had on you.

I feel i know this, and people have suggested as much in the past. I'm sorry to hear about your experience, it sounds depleting, and even worse if you love them. It's hard to justify walking away sometimes when there isn't overt abuse or other obvious issues.

I have just had a chat with him, began pleasant enough, about maybe trying to get my passport renewed. He went dark, quickly and stated it would cause him harm if I used his address. And you know what, I don't mind this so much, it's just the damn feeling that my needs are a fucking hindrance. If I call him out on that he starts getting upset saying he's not good enough for me, that I need a 'proper man' who can give me a life.
It's like being stale-mated, if that's even a word..
I don't need a man to give me a life. Like most women I just need the bloody money!

I know you need to conserve your savings, but I read in your posts a strong desire for a change of scene so perhaps you could consider a small investment in exactly that.
Where to start? Get that passport. But you don't need to wait for that
you could for eg, book reasonable uni accommodation which is vacant over the holidays in Oxford where they have the oldest botanical garden with 5k species - and a brilliant place just to wander about.. or how about finding some accommodation near the Eden Project, or Kew. All of these places could give you new inspiration and also time away to look up courses, grants, accommodation, or business development loans, agents etc which at least might show some possible pathways to think about and maybe even investigate other places to travel, or other projects which might generate employment, or even plan an exhibition or sale of older work to generate some funds for your next phase.

Thing is, how can I just up and go to live somewhere I have never been? I am not familiar with the south of England, although I have spent a lot of time in Shropshire, thought Ludlow was pretty and affordable, but so bloody cut off
I am close to Lancaster, near the Lakes. I loved Kendal for so many reasons, even though it's a bit rainy and grey. But the rents are astonishing since covid, aaagh!

I also quit driving 10 yrs ago, a mix of not needing a vehicle and going 'green'. I have an electric bike, lol.
We can't win. I would struggle to view many places if not easily connected by transport. I thought about holiday lets but in summer the prices would throttle my savings before I begin.

It's so tricky, but I definitely don't wish to stay here, I will be going some distance regardless.

OP, I agree with all of the excellent advice above regarding getting an agent and so on, someone to help you with your social media presence etc. I would earmark a certain sum of your savings to invest in yourself professionally, and as well as an agent I would look into some life coaching perhaps - because you have all of the talent, capability and capital required, you just need some specialist help with the specifics which are not your areas of expertise. A friend of mine paid to have a logo professionally designed for her company, for example, and it was well, well worth it. With your work history I am sure you can rebuild a successful business again, but you may need to outsource some of it (which is fine, and why those other people have those other jobs!).

He went dark, quickly and stated it would cause him harm if I used his address. And you know what, I don't mind this so much, it's just the damn feeling that my needs are a fucking hindrance. If I call him out on that he starts getting upset saying he's not good enough for me, that I need a 'proper man' who can give me a life.
It's like being stale-mated, if that's even a word.

I would go so far as to describe this as emotional abuse. You supported him FOR FIVE YEARS and he states that it will harm him to allow the woman who supported him FOR HALF A ING DECADE to use his address!!?? I mean, it wouldn't harm him at all, but even if it would, you'd think he'd do it for the woman who had sacrificed so much for him, no? And when you call him out on it he plays the victim. Bleurgh. He's either abusive or seriously mentally unwell (are there any other options here?). In either case you should leave - because being with him is doing YOU harm.

Go forth and be magnificent, OP.

Do you like animals? I go on holiday quite regularly and get someone from Trusted Housesitters to look after my cat. There's an annual fee of about £100 per year but no other costs, and I get lots of interesting women staying. It would give you a change of scene, at least.

I don't mind this so much, it's just the damn feeling that my needs are a fucking hindrance. If I call him out on that he starts getting upset saying he's not good enough for me

He's 100% right. Op, this relationship is so, so bad for you. Please break free of him and move on. You'll never get back to your old self if you stay with him. You're only 50, FFS. Stop thinking as though your life is already over.

İf it was me, this is what I would do. Find a very very very nice house share with other hard working artists. Some of them may be able to help you with social media and being around like minded people would motivate you. İt's cheaper than your own place and you'd have stability and independence. Get another job to cover the rent and bills. Anything where you'll meet people and feel confident. Bar work, restaurant basic admin. Talk about your work and show it to them as much as you get a chance to. Move your money into a pension and claim universal credit in the meantime. (I don't know about pensions so ask someone else). Pension doesn't affect universal credit. I found this out by a post a while back about a man with disabled children who was earning about 100k and able to claim universal credit housing element because he put most of his income into pension.
Do some online social media classes and anything else which will boost your confidence. You can find loads of different things very cheap or free online these days.
If your business doesn't pick back up, once you are more stable and confident you could move into doing art classes online for people who can't get out the house or in person. First option would have less overheads. You don't have to teach them how to draw or paint, just facilitate some relaxation and creative time in a structured way.

Someone can correct me about the pension if I'm wrong.

What other choices do you have to live? You mention a cousin? Any old close friends?

Just wondering if you could find somewhere you could get free rent with a bit of work YHA maybe? Live in School pick up nanny - bit out there.

i feel you need to get away from him without leaving the country.

Actually i like Pawpatrol’s advice better

I am also 50. Feel so fine and foxy now i have distance from my positivity drain.