To not know how to fix my life?

[trilobiterevival]

Some very basic details. Self employed, quite niche, business earned a lot over the past 20 years but slumped around covid and hasn't got back up. Like a massive drop in earnings. Maybe never will. Outside of this I am largely unemployable.
Relationship, LTR (no children), might be coming to an end, am currently living with him whilst I was finding new place but got stuck here. Not a good place, he won't move, so I will have to go alone. So I have no legal, current address. This makes it difficult for me to do a lot of stuff (renew passport, etc).

I'm used to getting by, earning a good amount, but am stumped for what to do. I could keep pushing the business, and it might recover, but there's no guarantee. My skills are not really transferable. Over the years I did manage to save a good deal, I am now dipping in to that and it is so stressful and my quality of life has taken a nosedive.

So my LTR isn't in good shape, small family and friends live at a distance, I would have to rent, and I am nearly 50.
I wake every day and feel my life is stuck, that I am 'living wrong', that I am letting my life pass me by. This stress has led to me picking at my skin and making it bleed. I know I am lucky to have my savings but that's ALL I have. DP isn't interested in moving, changing things, although we are very close and love each other, it's just not making me happy long term. WHen I discuss things with him, he either seems offended (as if he blames himself) or he tells me I am creating my own problem (!). As if it can all be fixed if i just look at it differently. Now, I have read Eckhart Tolle, but FFS.

I know we make our life choices, and I made mine. I didn't want to own a home and planned to travel in middle age, lol, but hey ho that is on hold right now! I am the only member of my family who lived a bit 'alternatively' (no kids, mortgage), so they don't get it. I think they just used to wonder why I didn't become a teacher or a psychologist or something. So this is the bed I made, I am fully responsible for it, but feel very stuck. I feel that if I had been in a relationship where the guy shared fully with me (home, plans, etc) it might have been easier, but this is never going to happen with my DP, he loves me and will do anything for me, and he allows me to be exactly who I am, but there's no drive to throw it all in and share everything, and this worries me about the future.

Can I turn this around? How could I find a new career, from scratch at my age? Or perhaps I am better sticking to my existing business and working to repair it? I would be paying rent so can't afford another degree, but might be able to push something less expensive. My existing degree won't do much for me now. I feel awful each morning, when I wake to see where I am, and how I don't know how to unstick myself from a lifestyle that is making me ill. And it's not like the UK is thriving is it? It's never been more expensive to live alone, to get by.

Hi OP, I haven't got much to add to all the useful advice already here. But maybe it helps to know that I've heard about similar problems from self- employed friends - both related to the pandemic, and to the fact that buyers find it ever easier to source work very cheaply online.

You're not failing, you're unlucky. Like the hand loom weavers done in by industrialization.

Also want to say that I find it very very problematic that DP won't let you use his address. Can you go to CAB or similar to find out what the consequences of you using it would actually be?

All the best.

The someone was me. I think rather than derail the thread you could just Google?

“No tax implication (rent a room allowance is about £7K pa).”

As I explained, there is an allowance, there is no tax implication up to the amount of that allowance. You just have to Google the name I gave: rent a room allowance.

It's still running down where you are though. You said you've been dipping into your savings. If nothing changes it will still leak away, just slower and you won't have so much financial cushion if you do decide to leave down the track.

What about a job with accommodation? Or a basic (hospitality?) job where you can show that you can afford rent?

OP, just to say pls don't take my comparison up thread the wrong way - unlike the weavers your skills aren't obsolete. My self-employed friends all have found ways to get by.

You are in an abusive situation. He is financially and psychologically abusing you and gaslighting.

Is he claiming universal credit as a single person?

Shop him in for fraud!

You aren't living rent free. You have no tenants rights. You are a slave!

Stop doing any work for him and don't pay for anything for him.

You are homeless.

Go and make a homeless application. They will have to give you a temp. Lots of these are actually nice and are a huge improvement on now. Or you could try women's aid (it's not just for women who are physically assaulted).

You will have more time and headspace to develop your business once you are in your own place.

Even if you got a min wage job with a big deposit like that you could buy a 1 bed flat in lots of places in the north. Then your savings wouldn't count for universal credit and you could claim that if you are out of work/business drops again.

As I read this I was thinking 'abuse' so I'm glad someone else has pointed the same out.

You are being abused by him even if you can't see it.

What does he do for work? It sounds like he claims benefits which is why he mentions bringing trouble to his door if you register there.

I wonder why you're with him, I mean before Covid? He didn't suddenly get tight with money or start abusing you. What were his positive points?

And stop spending £12 on ingredients for a nice meal when he won't let you drink 2 glasses from a cheap bottle of wine.
That sums up how much he thinks of you.

He claims you don't need to pay his bills but then 'lets' you anyway.

Loads of people have come up with good ideas that I can't add to but want to wish you all the luck in the world escaping this abusive relationship.
Once you're out I'm sure you'll feel better immediately.

Start keeping a list of negative things he says and does and reread it regularly to keep your mind fixed in the end goal.

I think there is something to be said for how you look at things.
So right now you can only improve your situation. You're not making money? Cool, so you have your pick of jobs, because you don’t need a certain amount.

I would (and I've done this previously myself) take my savings and put a deposit on a flat in another city. Get there and create a decent CV. All skills are transferable. And a decent CV writing service (or a bit of research) will be able to provide you with a CV that makes you employable. (I could even do it for nothing, it's one of the things I do freelance)

I'd arrive at my flat and begin my search for a job (if I hadn't already lined one up) and it could be anything from tills at Primark to bar to secretarial. I even did a certificate online to be a teaching assistant, cost £30, and then got worked as one, I get daily job offers. I did not need one skill nor work history to get this position or these offers.

The thing about being at rock bottom, or near it, is that the only way is up.
Instead of ‘but I can't possibly move, my work and family are here!’

YOU CAN GO ANYWHYERE You WANT AND BEGIN A NEW LIFE
Instead of ‘but I can't possibly take that job, it's 5K less and I can't afford the pay cut’

You COULD WORK FOR MINIMUM WAGE AND STILL BE OKAY

See it as a new beginning. Moving is a life hack. You get to your new place and your old life dissipates. You realise you can now go in any direction.

It's a short term fix and will redirect your focus. Doing a relatively straightforward job over the summer will give you time to plan your next move. It's a stepping stone to something better.

At the moment you are still at his house, not earning money and languishing. All the while thinking fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

You need small steps to get you out of this situation.

I know it’s already been mentioned but do think about Trustedhousitters. I had seen a posting a while back of someone needing a sitter for 6 months.I can’t recall which country but it was a cabin in a forest.

If you need to get away to somewhere quiet and clear your head that is option that won’t break the bank.

It all looks too big and seem overwhelming if you think about it all at once. Sit down and work out your eventual aims- what you see as being your "happy" place.

Don't worry about how long it will take you to get there because you will he come overwhelmed and fear will paralyse you and you won't do anything.

Then work out how you are going to get there and break it all down into small achievable actions- for example, getting your passport sorted would be an ideal one. Commit to tackling one a week (or whatever) and slowly work through them. This will give you a sense of achievement and mobilise you into taking action.

Or House Sitters UK.

There are a few ads on there which are 2 months plus.

Something like this?

www.housesittersuk.co.uk/house-sitting-pet-sitting-job/269230/cardigan-wales

Also, just seen where you are from. There are education opportunities in Lancaster and surely it's in a good place if you want to be within travelling distance of the country side but close to urban facilities.

Lancaster has excellent rail connections to northern cities and the countryside. There is a fair amount going on there- I don't see it as being the barren backwater you're making out?

I didn't expect so many replies this morning, thank you so very much to all of you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this. It is really helpful, as a pp says I can't see properly for the fog.
I need to tackle this in parts, calmly, one thing at a time, definitely. That is the only way I think I can do it.

As for my OH, he's very defensive at the moment, and doesn't like that I have broached this subject with him. To be honest I don't know a great deal about his financial affairs, just that his income is low and he is very frugal. Our finances are very separate, which I'm fine with, but I wish there was more togetherness in general, domestically. If he is claiming anything he certainly hasn't mentioned it.

But I don't like this. Because I am lost in a fog, I have lost sight of what I want, and how unhappy I am with things here. He doesn't like discussing problems and turns things into conflict. In fact there are cracks in this that are bordering on becoming an abyss. Of course he has never had any interest in sharing a proper life with me, I fooled myself into thinking this was fine. And it isn't fine at all, I am nearly 50 and in a LTR with someone who, being 9 years older than me is NOT going to change now. We are never going to share a home and make it ours, or sit down to a dinner together, or decorate, or anything like that. He's just not motivated in that way and I wonder how bad his relationship with his mother really was...

I am going to concentrate on finding a small flat, as cheap as possible but still in a place I will be happy. Not sure where as yet. Then I can find some work to tide things over as I get on my feet.
I agree with the pp who said if I stay here my money id going to dribble down anyway, so I ought to at least DO something that will help me with it, as it is an emergency.

I will also look further into expanding my self employment - I already have a passive income, it has dropped but still covers all bills. My bills would shoot up living alone but this is why I need extra work. Will think more on this.

What depresses me the most, is when we discuss all of this, he admits that living apart will be hard for us financially. Very hard. It strikes me as odd, at our age, that a man would rather live separately and struggle than throw it all in a make life easier for us both by legally living together. He just says it would 'mess with' his finances so perhaps he is thinking of the pension or another benefit?
If so, then his priority to do that over settling down with me is a strong statement isnt it?

You don't know what his income is but you've been together a while.

Does he work either at home or out of the home?
Or is he just at home constantly?

Its so weird that you don't know what he does for money.

He’s got weird controlling issues over finances.

You want a partner to make a home and life with.

Don’t stay. Don’t torture yourself trying to understand his issues. Accept this relationship was where you were for a time, and now it’s time to move on, with fondness but not looking back.

I do know what he does for a living. I have no idea if he has recently altered anything regarding benefits. Like myself, his income varies by the month.
But no, he doesn't generally discuss those things, I tend to have to ask.

Perhaps he lived a lone for too long prior to us doing this and a part of him can't drop that. That's why I referred to him as a bachelor. He is a bit odd in that way.

Can you get some business advice?

www.gov.uk/business-support-helpline

There are companies that do this too. Don't struggle alone when there is help out there!

OP I live near you in Arnside. It’s beautiful here, really diverse nature stuff (woodlands, beach) and has a trainline so you could manage without a car. You could move over this way and still keep your relationship if you weren’t ready to totally end things.

There are one bedroomed flats available in Kendal for less than £500 a month, that I reckon if he happy to live in as a single person. Spotted a nice airy one overlooking the river.

i totally agree with people giving you pointers to revive your business, and diversifying to art classes, Etsy sales. We’re near the Lakes so bespoke wedding stationery/artwork would do well - go have a wander round a wedding dates and see if anything piques your interest. Lots of market towns here for you to sell your physical products.

Also I reckon you’re doing yourself a disservice saying you’re unemployable. Being self-employed has LOADS of transferable skills - and you sound like you’re really personable and good at networking. Some self employed work as a book-keeper or admin work, or even an employed role.

Pleeeeeeease go for it. Get ‘you’ back, you’re only 50 and you have so much to offer - your artistic skill cannot be matched by just anyone.

Put some of your savings aside to secure yourself a home.

Choose where you want to be. This is an opportunity. You can afford a home wherever you want to be and set about making a good life for yourself.

Don't drip slowly through your savings so you find them gone, you're still with misery bollocks and no escape route. Make a bold move now.

Lancaster, Kirby Lonsdale, Kendal, Cartmel are all great but so are places like Hebden Bridge and surrounding villages. You will make friends and you will find work, even if it is just work to see you through.

Pack a bag, pack your paints, pack your table and go and find a better life.

Don't overlook the Forest of Bowland or Rawtenstall . Both arty and the latter really on the up!

Even a short break somewhere relaxing and inspiring in the UK whilst you do your research and think about your options would help get you out of that trapped oppressive atmosphere. I wish you well with your plans.

These are great suggestions, thanks so much. I love Kendal especially but at this point in time I have no idea how to get to places and view rentals. To stay over would cost a fortune in the lakes area.
God I need a better plan!
Would also prefer somewhere with a train station close enough until I am back in the driving seat again.

Things are bad here today. Honestly if I started to say how i feel about him and how fed up I am i would take up 4 pages.
He is suddenly extremely defensive. His only fucking words during any conversation are either 'no i didnt' or 'yes i did'. It's like trying to communicate with a bloody toddler. Why do we put up with this shit?

And he isnt being accused or attacked, my sentences are being re-interpreted as such when that is so far off the mark. Several times today he has aggressively stomped out of the room with his coffee and iPad to go and sulk. He just explodes suddenly, raises his voices, swears and storms off. It's like he feels pressure or something, or at least contempt for me.
I wonder if this is because I have ruffled feathers discussing our future. I guess so.

Sorry, just so angry at the moment my heart is pounding. Even jokes are going over his head. It's gone quite sour :(

(just to add he is not aggressive towards me, just having a tantrum, to block off conversation I suppose. I am not afraid of him or anything like that.)

Recognise your username as it amuses me You have been really helpful in this thread, it's very much appreciated x

He actually sounds quite abusive to me.