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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU wanting my partner to have a drink with me??

191 replies

Salvia89 · 20/05/2022 20:47

DP by admission isn’t a big drinker.. I enjoy a glass of wine or g&t etc and enjoy a drink a few nights a week. Usually 1 or 2 drinks.

What I’d really love, is on occasion (once or twice a month perhaps) to have a few drinks together.. get tipsy etc but DP “doesn’t like to drink at home”.

Thing is.. he’ll happily have 4 or 5 beers when we have friends over to watch the football.. in fact he’s asked me to do a long drive in a couple of weeks as it’s the morning following the cup final. I’m fine with this but just find it annoying that he’s happy to have a few drinks for football/ if he goes out with friends (every couple of months) but very rarely just between us. We rarely go out together because of DC.

I’ve never put pressure on him, but this evening would have loved to have shared a bottle of wine (or 2!) had some silly chat/dancing and maybe a tipsy shag!

AIBU? Part of me thinks that I’m a knob thinking this (his body/decisions etc) but another part of me long me for the days of past where I’d come home to housemates/past bfs and we’d have a few drinks on a Friday night!

All’s great in the relationship apart from this .. just a bit of a bugbear.

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 21/05/2022 07:25

Kite22 · 21/05/2022 00:42

I've drank a bottle of wine to myself. 2 buds and DP has just poured me a g and t. I am not remotely pissed. A couple of bottles doesn't mean you're completely sloshed either

........although it means you have had, in one evening, the number of units of alcohol it is recommended you don't exceed over the course of a week.

I'd worried about how much alcohol a person is regularly consuming if downing a whole bottle of wine, 2 beers, and a home measure of G&T in an evening doesn't affect them at all.

And I am up at 7 on my second load of washing.

ICannotRememberAThing · 21/05/2022 07:38

Fortunately I have only one family member who can’t accept that I don’t like alcohol!
‘Go on, let your hair down’ ‘Live a little!’ ‘Just a small glass?’

YABU

PinkSyCo · 21/05/2022 07:47

I get where you’re coming from OP. Sometimes it’s nice to have a few drinks at home and get silly/reminisce etc with your partner or friend, especially when it’s difficult to get out. Some people though don’t see the point of drinking unless it’s an occasion and I get that too and you really shouldn’t try to force him.

Tigertigertigertiger · 21/05/2022 07:47

Yup that would annoy me too that he’s happy to enjoy a few drinks with his mates but not at home. .

DressingPafe · 21/05/2022 08:34

I get it OP. I had an ex that was always up for a drink with friends but never with me, and it did sting.

I’m in my 50s and planning to stay single for life now. But I have a long list of things I’d want in a relationship if it was to happen (the long list is probably why I’ll stay single!) and one of those things is being able to enjoy a drink together some evenings at home. I’m not an alcoholic, nor would I want to date one. But if I was to be in a relationship I want to be able to share things, experiences etc. Having a drink and a laugh together is nice.

Colourfulrainbows · 21/05/2022 08:47

@Salvia89 does he still chat have a laugh dance, without any drinking?

I saw you said that you both rarely get to go out together. So I get it you want to have a date night in the house.

Most here have picked up on the drinking aspect. I see this more as you want to spend time and have some fun together.

That it feels like will let his hair down with others but not with you ( makes you feel like he isn't interested).

Is he one for chatting, laughing and dancing round the kitchen anyway? ( some people don't some do).

BadLad · 21/05/2022 09:22

My first wife only drank about once a year - she'd have a Bailey's at Christmas, of which shed drink about a third and then declare herself full.

I never pressured her to drink - there was no pint - but I did wish we could try out different wines, beers and cocktails together.

When I was dating again, enjoying a drink was something I wanted in my potential dates.

Daleksatemyshed · 21/05/2022 09:38

I'm with you Op, you're not trying to force him into anything if your DH is happy to drink with other people. There's a lot of people on here who think smoking dope or taking cocaine is fine but a bottle of wine or a cigarette are the work of the Devil. I think you'd just like your DH to see you as a person to have fun with at home

cherrymax · 21/05/2022 09:46

I mostly only drink at home when we have guests apart from Christmas.

It's not a rejection of you that he doesn't want to drink more OP. I don't choose to drink at home but love drinking when I go out or when we have a party.

I get that you'd like to have a drink at home with your partner but he doesn't want to and your wishes aren't any more important than his.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 09:59

I see the Pearl clutcher ‘I only drink alcohol once a year, one glass and I’m tipsy!’ lot are out in force!

it’s not some terrible abnormal deviant thing to have a drink or two in your own home.

nor is it terrible or “sad” to want to get tipsy or drunk sometimes- quite often it can be a right laugh!

some of you on here wanna try it! Let your hair down, unclench and live a little…you’re a long time dead!

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 10:03

Those of who are mortified by the idea of drinking at home, or by being tipsy… just out of interest were you always this straight laced or did it come after kids?

Sleepingsatellite1 · 21/05/2022 10:10

Nothappyatwork · 20/05/2022 20:57

Jesus Christ why do you don’t alcohol in the house I can’t even comprehend why anybody would want to have a drink with you at home it’s not normal behaviour

What?

OrangeBall · 21/05/2022 10:10

Has he got someone in the family with an alcohol problem? My parents were alcoholics and I still find it hard to enjoy a drink at home.

Funnily enough I am also fine having a drink with a group of people at home or going out and having a drink, but just drinking for the sake of drinking with my partner/on my own, I don't think I will ever properly enjoy.

5128gap · 21/05/2022 10:11

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 09:59

I see the Pearl clutcher ‘I only drink alcohol once a year, one glass and I’m tipsy!’ lot are out in force!

it’s not some terrible abnormal deviant thing to have a drink or two in your own home.

nor is it terrible or “sad” to want to get tipsy or drunk sometimes- quite often it can be a right laugh!

some of you on here wanna try it! Let your hair down, unclench and live a little…you’re a long time dead!

I rarely drink and can't handle more than a couple when I do. I've lost a lot of weight and am quite literally a lightweight these days.
Doesn't stop me going out till 3am with my friends who drink a lot. I do not clutch pearls, or sit there nursing an orange juice judging other people. I laugh, I dance, I'm good company. I just don't want to ruin my night by being sick.
It might be hilarious to watch someone who doesn't drink much get drunk, and make for great anecdotes, but its not much fun being that person. Nor is it fun having people judge you on not drinking, anymore than the other way round.

Sleepingsatellite1 · 21/05/2022 10:16

I don’t it’s unreasonable to wish this at all, it would be unreasonable to push the issue though but it’s obvious you are more than aware of that. I like sharing a drink with my DH too.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 10:16

5128gap · 21/05/2022 10:11

I rarely drink and can't handle more than a couple when I do. I've lost a lot of weight and am quite literally a lightweight these days.
Doesn't stop me going out till 3am with my friends who drink a lot. I do not clutch pearls, or sit there nursing an orange juice judging other people. I laugh, I dance, I'm good company. I just don't want to ruin my night by being sick.
It might be hilarious to watch someone who doesn't drink much get drunk, and make for great anecdotes, but its not much fun being that person. Nor is it fun having people judge you on not drinking, anymore than the other way round.

Show quote history

You sound great!
Not at all like the people on here that I was referencing with my post - they could never countenance being out past 9pm never mind 3am and dancing!

RainCoffeeBook · 21/05/2022 10:20

You enjoy your, er, nightly wine... Bottle? Or two? - and let him have his much healthier, clearer life. You're the one with the grim habit. He shouldn't change.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 21/05/2022 10:24

I actually don’t think you are being that unreasonable. DP and I are similar with roles reversed (he is a bigger drinker than me and likes to drink on a Friday/Saturday night at home). He doesn’t pressure me, and it doesn’t sound like you are either, but I know he prefers it if, occasionally, I drink with him at home or instead have some other kind of treat. He enjoys it more when we are doing it together and tbh I get that. So, not all the time, but sometimes because I know it makes him happy I have a couple of drinks I wouldn’t otherwise have, or sometimes I get a posh soft drink and drink that to participate.

orwellwasright · 21/05/2022 10:30

Not read the whole thread but has anyone trotted out the line about how appalling it is to drink if you have children in the house?

WHAT IF YOUR CHILD NEEDS DRIVING TO HOSPITAL

As an aside if my child was so poorly they needed A&E in the middle of the night, there's no way I'd drive them myself. I'd be distracted and anxious - hardly conducive to safe driving.

When my husband had a heart attack the police didn't let me drive to hospital. They took me. Standard practice. No driving if you've had a shock.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 10:31

RainCoffeeBook · 21/05/2022 10:20

You enjoy your, er, nightly wine... Bottle? Or two? - and let him have his much healthier, clearer life. You're the one with the grim habit. He shouldn't change.

@RainCoffeeBook

think you’re missing the bit about how he will happily sink four or five pints when he has his mates over.
Im sure he will have a “much healthier, clearer life” (wtf does that even mean?) than OP if he doesn’t have a couple of glasses of wine in at home sometimes. Nowhere has Op said it has to be nightly.

BTW - Your sanctimony is more grim than OP’s drinking

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 10:33

orwellwasright · 21/05/2022 10:30

Not read the whole thread but has anyone trotted out the line about how appalling it is to drink if you have children in the house?

WHAT IF YOUR CHILD NEEDS DRIVING TO HOSPITAL

As an aside if my child was so poorly they needed A&E in the middle of the night, there's no way I'd drive them myself. I'd be distracted and anxious - hardly conducive to safe driving.

When my husband had a heart attack the police didn't let me drive to hospital. They took me. Standard practice. No driving if you've had a shock.

And just that whole idea that it’s terribly irresponsible and un- motherly to drink alcohol at all around children.

lol!

missymarrk · 21/05/2022 10:45

BluebellCockleshell123 · 20/05/2022 23:02

I think the alcohol is a red herring here. It’s the fact that he’s happy to do something with his mates but won’t do it with the OP.

Whether that activity is bowling, knitting, cinema, crochet or having a beer or 2, it’s got to sting that he doesn’t want to do it with you,

I think that's okay though. I don't like drinking with my partner, however if I'm out with the girls I'll have drinks and really enjoy it. I don't see that as a red herring. Nor does he

5128gap · 21/05/2022 11:04

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 10:16

You sound great!
Not at all like the people on here that I was referencing with my post - they could never countenance being out past 9pm never mind 3am and dancing!

Show quote history

Why thank you! Sometimes I even drive them home too!😊

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 21/05/2022 11:08

RainCoffeeBook · 21/05/2022 10:20

You enjoy your, er, nightly wine... Bottle? Or two? - and let him have his much healthier, clearer life. You're the one with the grim habit. He shouldn't change.

Have you actually read the op?

Branleuse · 21/05/2022 11:11

Yanbu. If he will have drinks with his mates,but not with you, and isnt interested in having a nice social bonding evening doing the things you like occasionally then id be frustrated.
If he wasnt a drinker then itd be different, and its not like youre asking him to drink daily with you.
Its not about forcing someone to drink. Its about you wanting to share a cosy evening together in quite a normal commonplace way. Its hardly pouring shots down his throat

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