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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH pulling out of his friend's wedding due to this

261 replies

TeenyQueen · 19/05/2022 14:17

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

OP posts:
MintIceCream1 · 20/05/2022 15:57

TeenyQueen · 20/05/2022 13:05

Thank you for your comments. DH has told John to speak to the dental hospital if he wants to make a complaint and he has now blocked John's number. It's not even worth it speaking to his indemnity provider about it because John has no grounds to make a complaint against DH. It shouldn't be very dramatic but unfortunately we think John is doing this deliberately to cause trouble knowing they will come face to face at the wedding. John has always had some kind of thing against DH, probably because DH is so successful. It's upsetting that a former friend is trying to demand money from DH and he's done it in such nasty way. If he'd spoken to DH politely without making unsubstantiated threats DH would have done something to try to help him out.

DH really doesn't have time for this, he works incredibly hard and puts in 14 hpur days and several hours each day during the weekend. We also have two young children and a home to look after so he's extremely busy.

The groom told DH that John has thrown a hissy fit about not being best man at the wedding and he's not coming to the stag, so John definitely has form for bring nasty.

You haven't said what your DH intends to do. Is he going to pull out of going to the wedding?

Mandy80 · 20/05/2022 18:06

The issue here as the OP posed it is that DH doesn’t want the day to be about John’s hissy fit. Regardless of who’s right or who the law will support, it’s the wedding day that’s important, and this John character sounds like a fellah who’s not likely to be reasonable in the face of a reasonable statement, and sounds like he has form for previous awful behaviour. DH is wise to avoid such a fellah at all costs. Shame the groom doesn’t see things that way too.

Ellis8616 · 20/05/2022 18:22

I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable at all. Yes, backing out of the wedding may upset the groom/bride etc but John is being totally unreasonable and causing problems here. I’m sick of people ‘not taking sides’ in situations like this- all it does is continue to enable poor behaviour (in this case from John) who otherwise will never be held accountable. What you must realise with people like this is that they will always feel justified in how they are behaving because nobody is calling them out on it. For John to treat a ‘friend’ the way he is should signal to all his other ‘friends’ that there is no loyalty there and he would do the same to others to meet his own needs. If your DH has to avoid the wedding because of John’s behaviour and he loses other friends because of it - were they even friends in the first place? Also if the groom does hold it against your DH for not attending because of John then it’s double standards - why would he not show the same level of contempt towards John who is causing the problem in the first place?!

saraclara · 20/05/2022 18:23

Mandy80 · 20/05/2022 18:06

The issue here as the OP posed it is that DH doesn’t want the day to be about John’s hissy fit. Regardless of who’s right or who the law will support, it’s the wedding day that’s important, and this John character sounds like a fellah who’s not likely to be reasonable in the face of a reasonable statement, and sounds like he has form for previous awful behaviour. DH is wise to avoid such a fellah at all costs. Shame the groom doesn’t see things that way too.

It's the groom's day, not OP's DH's. What the groom wants, matters. If he wants DH there more than he's worried about John kicking of, then that's his prerogative. He's said that he wants DH there, so it's not for DH to think he knows what the groom wants more than he does.

mum61 · 20/05/2022 18:29

@TeenyQueen Pehaps the groom could intervene and ask John not to bring his grievances to the wedding?

clumperoo · 20/05/2022 18:29

I really dont see the issue. Your DH is successful and John is a deluded loser.
he should go, be nice, charming. Lovely. Enjoy himself and not let John get in the way

Oscarsdaddy · 20/05/2022 18:35

How bloody ridiculous

DH should explain it to Bride & Groom and hopefully they’ll ditch John from their plans and revoke his invite

Sounds like a troublemaker to me and sees your DH as a cash cow

Lifethroughlenses · 20/05/2022 18:42

If I was the groom, I’d be really upset your DH didn’t go but neither would I univite John - it’s not the groom’s argument. I think your DH should go and say at the start of the day that it’s X’s wedding day and he’s not discussing it with him. Otherwise your DH risks seriously upsetting the groom.

I know it’s hard with a small breastfeeding child but it should be possible to express milk so that someone could take care of them?

Wgw1 · 20/05/2022 18:44

I think the groom is being unreasonable. If I were him (the groom) I would not put my friend in this position. He either needs to tell John not to come or accept your husband won't be there. Frankly, with the journey, young family etc I would cry off.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 20/05/2022 18:50

If the groom was any sort of friend he'd tell John where to go!

thenightsky · 20/05/2022 19:01

Updates suggest that John is actually quite a flaky fucker who will likely not turn up on the day anyway.

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 20/05/2022 19:03

I’m not sure why you had to say ‘it must be some sort of Scottish loyalty thing’ - why is the fact the men are Scottish relevant other than the fact that’s where the wedding is?

HummingQuietly · 20/05/2022 19:12

By blocking John, your DH is closing the door to it being resolved ahead of the wedding. The person who really loses out by this strategy is the groom - either he loses DH from the wedding entirely or there's a stress and risk of a blow up. I think I've be quite hurt in the groom's position that your DH is opting out of trying to sort it. I don't think I'd be thinking "well DH is so busy, I'm sure he doesn't have time to have a few conversations with loopy friend to help me out."

londonlass71 · 20/05/2022 19:15

I can't understand if John has or is being difficult why the groom hasn't univited him bit obvs it's his wedding. Your OH has told John what to do so I would just go and if John approaches your husband should just say "I have been advised not to discuss this matter, so pls have your lawyer contact me directly" and leave it at that.

moomintrolls · 20/05/2022 19:42

I think the groom should ban John if he's going to cause a scene.

Bobbins36 · 20/05/2022 19:58

DH should go, support his pal and have a nice time. Ignore John, who really should be uninvited, but if he’s not just ignore. He sounds like a bitter chancer.

Insanelysilver · 20/05/2022 20:16

Your DH needs to tell his Ex friend that he’ll discuss this but not on the day of the wedding. Then after the wedding day, tell Ex friend that he can try sueing him if he wants but he won’t get anywhere with it. Tell him he’s instructed a solicitor and he will be taking it from here.
This ‘friend’ is an actual low life

Realitysucks · 20/05/2022 20:23

omg seriously I’m a lawyer and the guy has no chance there’s a 3 year limitation and 17 years ago, after ten it needed fixing anyway !
I Don’t think DH is being unreasonable at all. If this guy is gonna cause trouble then the Groom should boot him from the wedding! Why should DH be forced to spend time with this person !

saraclara · 20/05/2022 20:29

Again, this is not the groom's problem to solve. He has no part in this argument. It's for DH and John to sort out. They've got plenty of time to do so before the wedding, which isn't until autumn. Why should the poor groom have to sort it out?

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 20/05/2022 20:38

Assuming that your DH still has the message which amounts to blackmail, I would recommend that he tells John that he is taking his message to the police and reporting him for blackmail. Then do it! What an absolute arsehole!

However, if he doesn't want to do that, and the groom is putting pressure on DH to still show up, I'd be inclined to contact the Bride to be, and tell her what's going on, you can bet your life she'll bend his ear until he sees sense and un-invites John.

Againstmachine · 20/05/2022 20:40

*All ridiculous.

Your DH backing out of the wedding when it's not the grooms fault isn't fair.*

It's entirety fair he's backing out to avoid conflict at someone else's wedding.

Jl3003 · 20/05/2022 20:53

DH should definitely not back out of the wedding. I would be devastated if a friend did this to me on my big day over an issue unrelated to me. DH should try and close this down prior to the wedding, and if he can’t I’d wait until after the wedding and then I’d tell him to do one.

it’s definitely not fair to potentially ruin someone else’s wedding day, even though the other guys sounds like an absolute tool.

Londoncallingme · 20/05/2022 20:54

DH should say that as there is legal action pending he will not be communicating with John at the wedding. At all.
is there ANY chance that John had an odd sense of humour and this is a joke?

TakeMe2Insanity · 20/05/2022 21:06

5128gap · 19/05/2022 14:20

I think your DH is wise not to go. The groom is being naive to think it will work, and unfortunately needs to choose between your DH and John, or allow DH to withdraw.

This!

Dibbydoos · 20/05/2022 21:11

The groom needs to step in now and sort it. If John is still being a twit, the groom needs to remove his invitation sbdxreplace him. If the groom isn't willing to do this, your DH is completely within his rights to say he's not going.

It's a shame, but the groom really needs to take the lead and not leave your DH to nut job John.