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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH pulling out of his friend's wedding due to this

261 replies

TeenyQueen · 19/05/2022 14:17

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 19/05/2022 19:50

I would put it back to the bride and groom. Its unlikely that with a drink in him, John will not cause a fuss of some sort about this tooth issue. (With your DH being clear that while he sympathises with John, the reality is its been far too long for John to make a claim, and anyway that would need to be against the dental hospital, not your DH directly.) What would they prefer to happen?

If dh goes, will they be able to relax waiting for John to kick off? Even if John doesn't, would the fear of that put a cloud over the B&Gs day?

Get your DH to be clear he would love to share their day, but doesn't think this will be a good idea. And perhaps he can see them after the honeymoon?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/05/2022 19:59

"... [John] wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding."

Your DH should tell the groom that John is planning to cause a scene at his wedding, so rather than having his friend the groom's wedding memorable for all the wrong reasons, he won't be there.

DH should also tell John to crack on with his legal action, he'll see him in court. (John will never take legal action, he's just trying to intimidate DH here.)

TBH the groom is nearly as big an arsehole as John, thinking his wedding will be unaffected by John's arseholery and taking no steps to stop John in his tracks.

Cliftontherocks · 19/05/2022 20:03

TeenyQueen · 19/05/2022 14:17

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

? even 20 years ago a dental student would not be able to give free treatment to a friend

Reallyreallyborednow · 19/05/2022 20:11

? even 20 years ago a dental student would not be able to give free treatment to a friend

20 years ago you could pop along to the local uni and get free treatment at the dental hospital. O/p’s DH probably just told him to come to the clinic, rather than “gave free treatment to a friend”.

PuppyMonkey · 19/05/2022 20:11

It’s ridiculous to believe that John would cause a scene at the wedding.

At the stag night though….

gamerchick · 19/05/2022 20:13

Tbf it's quite the compliment that his work has lasted so long. Bravo to your bloke.

He needs to speak to the groom, tell him this bloke is planning a scene and he's thinking of backing out.

LetitiaLeghorn · 19/05/2022 20:18

I don't get this. John messaged your husband and laid out his complaint. He then said they could discuss it at the wedding. So how was he ambushing or planning to ambush him? He couldn't have been more upfront.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/05/2022 20:21

Out of respect to the groom, I'd set up a call with John and try and discuss it beforehand and try and be vague and (when he wont accept it) just calmly say that's fine, I'll send over my insurance details for you to take it further, but shall we agree not to discuss it at the wedding, because we don't want anything to overshadow the grooms day.

If he says that's fine then I'd go to the wedding. If he says 'don't tell me what I can and can't say' or gives any indication he disagrees then I'd call the groom and give him all the info and asks what he thinks I could do to stop a situation escalating.

If your husband pulls out of the wedding he will be seen as letting people down. If John has a go at him ,he will make himself look like a twat.

I'd avoid him later on in the wedding when he is drunk and obnoxious. I'd refuse to discuss it and just say 'we already had this chat, I've given you my insurance details, let's concentrate on making the wedding fun for the groom and talk next week' and then block him.

cakewench · 19/05/2022 20:27

Honestly, if your DH feels as if he's going to be left on his own to deal with John's rantings, then he's doing the right thing.

I feel as if the groom is just leaving him to John's wrath, which is a bit bullshit as 1) anyone can see he's being irrational and 2) it's going to kick off at his wedding and shouldn't he want to avoid that?

OuiWeeOui · 19/05/2022 20:28

I would 100 % support my husbands decision. I would not let him walk into this ambush alone and you obviously can't be there with him
The groom knows the situation so it's down to him to make a choice, it's unfair to expect you husband to attend with this hanging over him
Your poor husband, John is a shit and the groom is a poor friend if he can't see it

LetitiaLeghorn · 19/05/2022 20:30

OuiWeeOui · 19/05/2022 20:28

I would 100 % support my husbands decision. I would not let him walk into this ambush alone and you obviously can't be there with him
The groom knows the situation so it's down to him to make a choice, it's unfair to expect you husband to attend with this hanging over him
Your poor husband, John is a shit and the groom is a poor friend if he can't see it

How is it an ambush when John has said he'd like to speak to him at the wedding? Sure an ambush is when you don't know something is going to happen?

splishsplashsploshsplish · 19/05/2022 20:33

I would definitely pay out for a lawyers letter. Put an end to this bullshit asap. Not worth having it hanging over him for the wedding.

2bazookas · 19/05/2022 20:42

Sounds like straightforward blackmail/extortion/demanding money with menaces, which are crimes. I'd refer it to the police.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/05/2022 20:47

None of this is anything to do with you. Let them sort it out themselves.

H1Drangea · 19/05/2022 20:59

It’s DH problem
though , if it were my DH , he wouldn’t be going … because he wouldn’t travel all that distance leaving me behind with the uninvited DC
he needs to phone the groom and advise him that he sadly is unable to attend ,
arsehole friend can do what he likes

LetitiaLeghorn · 19/05/2022 21:03

2bazookas · 19/05/2022 20:42

Sounds like straightforward blackmail/extortion/demanding money with menaces, which are crimes. I'd refer it to the police.

What?! The op says:

John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!)* ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

How is any of this blackmail, extortion or demanding with menaces? He's asking for compensation or taking legal action. Whether he's off his trolley to expect compensation or not, it's perfectly reasonable to write first before seeking legal redress. He wasn't planning to ambush the ops husband because he told him in advance he'd speak to him at the wedding. Any expectation of a scene or a fight is totally the ops surmisal and has no basis in fact.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/05/2022 21:33

LetitiaLeghorn · 19/05/2022 21:03

What?! The op says:

John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!)* ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

How is any of this blackmail, extortion or demanding with menaces? He's asking for compensation or taking legal action. Whether he's off his trolley to expect compensation or not, it's perfectly reasonable to write first before seeking legal redress. He wasn't planning to ambush the ops husband because he told him in advance he'd speak to him at the wedding. Any expectation of a scene or a fight is totally the ops surmisal and has no basis in fact.

Show quote history

"he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action"

How exactly is this NOT extortion? He's clearly not going to be 'seeking legal redress' - he's trying to intimidate OP's DH. He has no case and that makes it extortion.

The work was done 17 years ago at a dental hospital under the supervision of the dental tutors there. Geez, I've had work (done by my qualified and experienced dentist) redone sooner than 17 years (fillings, crowns) because that is the nature of dental work.

OuiWeeOui · 19/05/2022 21:56

@LetitiaLeghorn
because he doesn’t know when it’s going to happen
what part of the day it could happen … ruining their day & being on edge
Jesus , you are missing the point completely but you carry on trying to be clever 🙄🙄🙄

saleorbouy · 19/05/2022 22:01

A claim for damages only goes back 7years so poor John isn't going to get very far on the legal front.
I think that he needs to learn to brush his teeth correctly and give up on his absurd claims about your DH's dental work.
Perhaps the best man should preempt John's ambush and include it in the best man's speech. Your DH could hand him a briefcase stuff full of fake bank notes..... maybe John would realise his claim is foolish and laughable then!😂

LetitiaLeghorn · 19/05/2022 22:29

OuiWeeOui · 19/05/2022 21:56

@LetitiaLeghorn
because he doesn’t know when it’s going to happen
what part of the day it could happen … ruining their day & being on edge
Jesus , you are missing the point completely but you carry on trying to be clever 🙄🙄🙄

I wasn't trying to be clever. I can see someone might not look forward to being tackled over this. But calling it an ambush and walking into it alone, just amps up the dramatics.

declutteringmymind · 19/05/2022 22:41

DH needs to tell john that now that john has mentioned legal action, he's not going to discuss it further.

Maybe Dh send a 3 way text between groom, saying he wants to come to the wedding and support the groom so could John please give his assurances that he will not bring up the topic of his treatment that day.

Luculentus · 19/05/2022 23:17

ElenaSt · 19/05/2022 15:55

If it was free dental work then there was no contract between either party so how can he sue?

There doesn't have to be a contract for someone to be able to sue. If someone is injured in a car accident, they are highly unlikely to have any contract with the driver in question but they can still sue for damages.

However, in this case if John has any claim it is against the hospital as they were supervising and took responsibility.

Oceanus · 19/05/2022 23:45

What a shit situation to be in! If it were me I'd talk to groom and explain it all. Either the groom says "don't come, I don't want a scene" or he says "I'll uninvite the other guy". I wouldn't want to ruin sb else's special day with an argument and this John sounds like he wouldn't be able to stop himself. He sounds quite unreasonable.

crosstalk · 20/05/2022 00:07

Derailing here. 5 hours is very likely if you go south to north or to Scotland. Or say rural Dorset to rural Suffolk or lord forbid north Norfolk. I gaily bingmapped a wedding which said 3.5 hours (rural Dorset to major Suffolk city) and after jams on the M25 and roadworks up past Stansted we got there 8 hours later. Luckily, we travelled the day before. Salisbury to Newcastle? Carlisle to Cornwall? Dungeness to Caernarvon? And god forbid weddings should be in the summer with holiday traffic.

crosstalk · 20/05/2022 00:11

Underailing.

1 DH emails John saying no chance mate
2 DH waits for response
3 DH talks to groom
4 Groom decides
5 DH considers going.

If John does continue to be invited if his texts are as presented, DH can consider pulling out - anyone planning to have it out with a fellow guest at a wedding is likely to continue to want to after a few drinks.