DH pulling out of his friend's wedding due to this

[TeenyQueen]

This is actually DH's AIBU.
17 years ago when DH was a uni student he gave his friend free dental treatment. DH is an extremely loyal friend and he is still good friends with all of his old school friends.

This particular friend, call him John, is a total waste of space and made no effort with DH for years so they just lost touch, and they fell out years ago because I didn't invite him to DH's surprise birthday party. Anyway, DH and John are both ushers at their mutual friend's wedding this autumn and completely randomly John messaged DH to say that he's having issues with the tooth DH treated 17 years (!) ago so he wants several thousand £ or he's going to take legal action against him. He also said that he was planning to discuss this at the wedding this autumn, so he was planning to ambush DH and cause a scene at their friend's wedding.

Now legally, John has zero case against DH because the treatment was done 17 years ago and there are other factors too, but now DH really doesn't want to go to this wedding and be forced to 'work' with
John for the whole day. He's actually worried that they'll end up getting into a fight if John tries to get into an argument with him. Their mutual friend, the groom, knows all about this and is annoyed with John, but still really wants DH to be there for him.

I can't go to the wedding because we have young DC and they haven't been invited, and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home so we couldn't go up just for a day. I'm also breastfeeding the baby so I couldn't leave DC with anyone, not that we have family here who could look after them anyway.

So is DH BU wanting to back out, but I'm also a bit surprised that John will still be in the wedding party, even after he planned to use the wedding to ambush DH?

No sane person suggests discussing a legal claim when you are both ushers at a wedding of a close friend.

Your DH is right not to want to go. The groom should be telling John to stay home after what he’s done!

I think it's in the Groom's best interest to nip this thing in the bud with John. I doubt the Bride would want any trouble at her wedding and this fellow John sounds like he is up for a bit of trouble making.

If I were DH I probably wouldn't want to go either. If John is as crazy as you make him sound there will be no way to avoid him or calm him down. What rational or reasonable person threatens to use a mutual friend's wedding as a way to corner someone on a legal matter? Chances of him making a scene sound very high and then friend's wedding is disrupted and DH has an awful time.

I would be inclined to tell groom that I'm sorry but really think turning up will lead to a scene, however much I try to avoid it, and I don't want to do that to his wedding day.

But what do his other friends think? John surely must have some form for this sort of behaviour? Do they think he would wreck friend's wedding to have a go at DH?

Why is your dh allowing himself to be cowed by John. I can't believe he'd miss an old friends wedding over something so petty. If I were a gambler I'd kay money on John being as nice as pie when they're together.

Not true of all places, at Newcastle you self refer for eg., no waiting list.

Tell John to refer to the response given in Arkell vs Pressdram:

lettersofnote.com/2013/08/07/arkell-v-pressdram/

===================================================

Dear Sirs,

We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr. J. Arkell.
We note that Mr Arkell’s attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.

Yours,
Private Eye

=====================================================

Mumma Mia - No idea why that text came out so huge !! Any one know if that can be fixed ??

If the groom knows what John is up to but still won't disinvite John, then I think it's more than fair for your DH not to attend. The groom should have DH's back, but he doesn't, therefore DH doesn't owe him anything.

In fact, it would be wise of your DH to tell the groom that him going will cause a scene at the wedding and it isn't fair to the groom or bride, so therefore he is bowing out, since John is still going.

In short, I advise your DH not to go, and to not feel guilty because the groom clearly doesn't care about DH's discomfort.

God your husband is so dramatic. Scared it will be a physical fight and won’t go to the wedding! Ffs. 😂 the non dramatic adult thing to do is jist gives a heads up to the groom, formally respond to the bloke and then make sure he’s never alone with the guy and doesn’t engage in an emotional way.

so much unnecessary drama, are you not giving him the side eye? I would be.

This is really not the groom's problem to sort out. He's being brought into a dispute between two of his friends, and he shouldn't be compelled to disinvite either of them.

John is behaving unreasonably, but as far as the groom is concerned, John's said that he plans to have a discussion with OP's DH about the tooth at the wedding. While it's not appropriate, it's not a 'disinviting your close friend from childhood' action.
Had John said "if you don't pay me I'm going to cause a scene at the wedding" that would be an entirely different matter.

But the groom is being asked to get involved in a minor dispute between two of his friends, and he shouldn't have to take sides when he's not involved. Also the wedding isn't until autumn. The two people involved have plenty of time to sort it out between them in that time.

At most, if the groom is in casual conversation with John in the intervening period, he could say "I hear that you and X are having an issue over your tooth. I don't want any part of it going on at the wedding, so I hope I can trust you both to behave like grown ups", but expecting him to miss out on OP's dh's presence or to disinvitr his other life long friend over this spat is entirely unfair.

I've not read the full thread yet -sorry!

Did your husband carry out this dental work before he was properly qualified or registered to do so?
Could John be trying to blackmail him on these grounds?

There is a ridiculous amount of drama here for no reason at all. This is a straightforward patient complaint and there are procedures in place to deal with it. The husband needs to tell John to follow them and then refuse to discuss it further.

No of course John should not be asking for money or making threats but it’s not unknown for disgruntled patients to do this. John is entitled to be unhappy with his treatment and make a complaint to the hospital - however unreasonable the op or anyone on this thread thinks it is. Patients make unreasonable and unfounded complaints all the time in the NHS.

Telling John to fuck off, getting in a fight, discussing the details with the groom, threatening him with a lawyers letters - all of these are totally unprofessional and likely to result in a complaint to the GDC.

If John finds this thread he can also complain. If any of this is real @TeenyQueen then I suggest you get the whole thread deleted before it gets your husband into trouble . He should never have discussed Johns treatment with you or anyone else in his friendship group in the first place , it’s totally out of order.

Oh for goodness sake, at least read the op's posts. It's easy enough to do and takes less than a minute of you use the see all button.

Indeed. I can never understand why someone would think their point is so unique that no-one could ever have thought of mentioning it in the hundreds of previous posts and that their time is so valuable that they wouldn't even check to see if OP has clarified before posting their twee, repetitive bollocks.

"Haven't RTFT" is just shorthand for "I'm way too important for little things like reading and comprehension, but you little people must hear me"

100% this. I would be backing out, if this 'John' idiot is going. I've backed out of weddings for less. Don't need the drama. Had enough of it in my life over the years. Also, he sounds like a class A nobhead. Why on EARTH would he think he would stand a chance of claiming anything? He is basically trying to blackmail the OP's husband. @TeenyQueen as a few people have said, consult a solicitor, as this could be a police matter. And the police don't take blackmail lightly.

@WalkWithDignityAndPride

"Haven't RTFT" is just shorthand for "I'm way too important for little things like reading and comprehension, but you little people must hear me"

I disagree with this. ^ Whilst it's easy for people to read the OP's posts - (assuming there aren't 100+!) who the F has time to read multiple 100s of posts? I CBA and don't have the time anyway (like many others.) You might have all the time in the world to read every single post on every thread, (even if there are 400-500+!) but some of us have things to do/a job/a family/a life!

Hi John, sorry you are having tooth trouble. Meet me in the loos prior to the ceremony and I will pull it out for you. No charge obviously mate...

Thank you for your comments. DH has told John to speak to the dental hospital if he wants to make a complaint and he has now blocked John's number. It's not even worth it speaking to his indemnity provider about it because John has no grounds to make a complaint against DH. It shouldn't be very dramatic but unfortunately we think John is doing this deliberately to cause trouble knowing they will come face to face at the wedding. John has always had some kind of thing against DH, probably because DH is so successful. It's upsetting that a former friend is trying to demand money from DH and he's done it in such nasty way. If he'd spoken to DH politely without making unsubstantiated threats DH would have done something to try to help him out.

DH really doesn't have time for this, he works incredibly hard and puts in 14 hpur days and several hours each day during the weekend. We also have two young children and a home to look after so he's extremely busy.

The groom told DH that John has thrown a hissy fit about not being best man at the wedding and he's not coming to the stag, so John definitely has form for bring nasty.

The groom told DH that John has thrown a hissy fit about not being best man at the wedding and he's not coming to the stag, so John definitely has form for bring nasty.

Sounds as though the groom could do with some support then. Hopefully John will end up refusing to go to the wedding anyway.

Sounds as though the groom could do with some support then.

Doesn't have to be OP DH.

The groom presumably invited this John and will have a wedding full of family and friends including the preferred canidate for best man for support.

If OP DH doesnt want to go and deal with any potential drama - that should be acceptable if disappointing to groom.

I image OP DH knows how John will behave and is in best place to work out how likely he is to attend wedding or kick off and whether he can be arsed to deal with it all. So I don't think OP DH is BU to back out if that what he thinks is best.

Why doesn't the groom just uninvite John? He's already caused trouble and he's being a dick. Then he won't have to worry about aggro at the wedding. It would be a shame for your dh to lose out.

Uninviting someone is a nuclear option. In real life I have never come across it happening. And in general, men are less likely to completely bin off their lifelong mates than women are.
Uninviting anyone, and the fall out (often involving friends and families taking sides) risks casting more of a shadow over a wedding than actually having the irritant there.

If the groom chooses to risk it, that's his choice. But I don't think anyone has the right to tell him that he should. They're not going to be the ones picking up the pieces..

If you'd spent the time reading, you wouldn't have to ask.

Trainee, fully supervised dentist.

@TeenyQueen

The groom told DH that John has thrown a hissy fit about not being best man at the wedding and he's not coming to the stag, so John definitely has form for bring nasty.

Oh FGS, why is this man even inviting 'John?' He sounds like a total arsehole.