Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

She needs more support with using the washing line and drier?!
Sounds like a defensive reaction, she’s the one who is going to suffer most from her duvet being wet so she presumably had some reason she doesn’t feel able to communicate to you, perhaps connected with anxiety about the drier?

No she normally uses the tumble dryer and has been shown how to out the clothes line in and out etc. She speaks fluent English and has no problem understanding.
I have printed off house rules now as we have asked before not to dry washing in her room .
I would advice anyone with a guest to start with a list of house rules - we have been to soft .

The trouble with house rules is that you can’t anticipate everything. It wouldn’t occur to me someone would do this in a house with a tumble dryer.

Tbh I think if you can’t get to the bottom of why she is doing this, which is frankly pretty weird, you have a bigger problem than just a damaged duvet.

She was going out and so decided to do this rather than tumble dry . Trouble is she doesn’t open in the windows in her room as she wants the temperature to be 23/24 degrees.
So the clothes won’t dry in her room as no ventilation. We have put a thermometer in her room and said she can have heating on if goes below 21 degrees.
The room faces south and by keeping door shut etc we have kept room at 22 degrees .
We purchased a 13 tog duvet for her last week as previous duvet (new) was only 10.5 tog . So having it damp is annoying.
I think I should have been clear from beginning not to dry washing in room, to lock doors and close windows when she goes out - apparently in Ukraine they don’t lock their doors . Only having half fridge as she literally took every shelf in fridge - she is one person and three in our family . I have given her two shelves in fridge plus a cupboard for food stuff.
She ignored request to separate recycling , I have offered to put recycling out she just needs to leave in the kitchen .
So yes sadly now I have printed a list with 5 Home Rules. She has been here five weeks now , so I have tried .

I think it is tricky with house rules. When I had lodgers previously I did draw up a list of house rules which I presented to them when they came to view the room, so they were clear on the arrangement. But those were people already living somewhere who had other rooms to look at to rent - they had a choice. The Ukrainians haven't really had that - they've come from a desperate situation and would no doubt have agreed to anything, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're happy about them. They've also moved somewhere new that they've not seen in advance and weren't able to know how their lives would pan out - rules about having friends or partners overnight would have been pretty meaningless. So I think it does need to be a bit more of a negotiated set of living arrangements which you develop as you go . We're now drawing up a list of who cooks each evening and that's been going a bit more smoothly this week - have also compromised on the timing of evening meal (they were used to 5pm, us to 6.30 or later, but now it's about 6) I think it's also worth picking your battles a bit - I would probably avoid any rules about what goes on in their own rooms (like drying clothes) if at all possible, as their bedrooms are the only place that's truly theirs and good to let them have some privacy.

To be clear, I do think you have every right to set house rules. I just don’t think realistically you can avoid all the problems by writing it all down in advance. But being where you are, do I think it is reasonable to say ‘these are the rules, no drying washing in the rooms and leave our fridge shelves clear’ - yes absolutely.

I agree it’s tricky with the timing of the decision. We normally have lodgers and the key points like not smoking and permission for guests are in the lodger agreement which they would see when they come to look round. The equivalent moment in terms of decision making is when you are agreeing to apply for the visa. So they could potentially be literally in a war zone and you’re talking about where they’re allowed to dry washing. At best, surreal, but perhaps actually a good idea?

Tbh I would also have no idea what happens in their rooms as that’s up to them as far as I am concerned, short of smoking which could invalidate our insurance. I would write off the cost of a duvet. But if you think their room is so humid it’s damaging the fabric of the building I don’t think it’s unreasonable to intervene.

We have a new build house and have been told to help it dry out not to dry clothes in rooms or radiators. So this is non negotiable. We have not put any restrictions on cooking or anything . We are giving lifts home late at night and going out of our way to be helpful. She has very close family in Poland and was living there since 2021, so it’s an economical choice not a safety choice to come to UK. So sorry I don’t think it’s wrong to have some rules .

Yes it’s this - no windows are open and the room is kept hot so I don’t want moisture .
I will throw the duvet away when she leaves .

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.
The ideal is to treat people as an adult who you are working together with and be able to say ‘the goal is to keep humidity low, let’s decide together whether we achieve this through ventilation or being careful about moisture getting into the air’. But if your guest won’t take responsibility and get on board with this you have to say, ‘ok, these are the rules. No drying laundry in the room.’
No matter how hard it is for them you don’t have to compromise your property- they need to work with you on this.

I haven’t done the rules as I think a step too far and it would upset her. Had I had rules when she arrived it would have been better.

I’ve tried to find the previous thread but no success. I’m glad there’s a space for us but I’m worried that the papers will pick this up to use to throw dirt at the scheme.

I’ve had my family here for a month now and it’s nice to have the sound of children in the house again.

my family are from western Ukraine and they’re definitely here for economic reasons. The mum has a pretty good grasp of English but far from fluent (not comfortable enough to communicate with the school/GP/Red Cross etc). She’s turned down a few minimum waged jobs (cleaning/shop work) as she feels she can get a better paid position but the career she had back home is nonexistent here in the U.K and while she thinks she’s fluent in English she’s going to struggle.

They’ve also got a lot of family over here that she failed to mention during the visa application process which has slightly rubbed me up the wrong way. I got home last week to find a few of these family members shoes at the bottom of the stairs as they were all chilling upstairs with enough plates set for them all around the dining table - didn’t mention a word that they’d be coming over let alone asked permission.

All the food has to be organic and everything is constantly compared to Ukraine (in Ukraine the doctor comes to the house… in Ukraine we never had to use public transport etc etc). Constantly complaining how expensive things are over here and how theyre going to manage but refusing to use anything that’s been donated or ask their family for help.

@Jamjarcandlestick I also had a brother of guest turn up who I hadn't been told about previously. I've been a bit more reluctant to help with things like admin and finding them clothes since I found this out. Well certainly not in a rush any more. But it's still nice having a housemate.

I'm wondering if we are allowed to set up a WhatsApp group? It might keep our venting more private and allow us to share things without it becoming public.

I do think it’s wise to not say anything on here you wouldn’t be prepared to see appear in the Daily Mail, and WhatsApp is definitely a better forum for private ranting, though personally I will give it a miss as I already have a few Ukraine groups.
Closed Facebook groups are also good for privacy but not for anonymity and ideally you would get both.

In terms of trying to make this thread helpful to potential hosts it sounds like a good suggestion would be to ask your potential guests directly if they have friends or family already in the UK.

Hello everyone. New here and haven't read the whole thread yet so apologies if I've missed anything relevant to my post.

My parents, who live on the same street as me so are very close by, have just welcomed a family into their home. It's still extremely new so no real issues as of yet but I'm keen to help wherever possible so would love to hear of your experiences etc.

Also, I'd really like to offer a gift or something to welcome the family. Is this a good idea? Anything you can think of that would be appropriate? They are parents with three girls aged 3-10.

@PurplePetalPip I think a primark voucher would be great with children that age

I think a voucher would be very welcome. Refugees with children get given so much stuff by kind people but it’s impossible to predict what they will actually NEED.

Thanks both... I should add we are fairly rural and nearest city with bigger shops is 40 minutes and they have no car yet. We do have smaller stores nearby so maybe something for one of them but that's a bit more limiting!

^ this, I'm afraid

She's clearly a chancer if she has been settled in Poland since before the war. You are just being taken for a mug, providing free accommodation for an economic migrant.
Unfortunately, there are many cases like that. I'd show the door.

@Dotdotdot21 How did she manage to get a Visa under their homes for Ukraine scheme, given that one of the criteria is that the Ukrainian was resident in Ukraine at the end of December 2021?

She was in Poland with family at Christmas but in fairness going back and forward between Poland and their home in Weston Ukraine. Minimum wage is only £3 in Poland so I don’t see the problem with her being here to earn more . She is sending money back to Ukraine for family . And sending money to buy equipment for soldiers.
She is a sweet girl when she is not being annoying -she is like a teenager to be fair . She made us a snack later and try’s hard to fit in. I must be more patient 😊

Can I get some opinions please. I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible.

-we have living with us a 7 year old girl and her mum. 7 year old was in Ukraine when war started, with her dad. Mum was over here working from Nov 21, expecting to be here 5/6 months and sending money home.

-war broke out. Dad not allowed to leave Ukraine. Child and paternal granny leave Ukraine and stay on Polish border awaiting child's sponsorship visa. Mother then joins them. Child eventually gets sponsorship visa and mother brings her here.

-mother still on T5 seasonal worker visa and continuing job on local arable facility/factory. Has applied for Ukraine extension scheme so Should have recourse to public funds soon. Mother likes job and on T5 visa is tied to this employer, but it is shift work (early 6am-2pm, late 2pm-1am). When on Ukrainian extension scheme will be able to change job if wants to and claim some UC.

-prior to sponsorship application / arrival it was discussed that she would be doing the early shift and child will go to school, so she can collect her from school. (Needs to get bus from work to school).

-first week here mum states that she is on late shift mon to thurs this week, child not at school yet (starts tomorrow) and asked can i look after child from 1pm onwards on these days. Child does not go to sleep until 10pm! I have two preschoolers and am up very early with them. I agreed to do it this week but absolutely no more.

-I reiterated the following - if you are on early shift I will walk child to school, but you should be able to collect her and care for her after school and at weekends. I can look after her for an hour or so when needed, but not regular long days. This was not part of the arrangement. In the summer holidays I have said she will need to use childminder and holiday clubs, and have put her in touch with a CM with spaces (hopefully UC will be in place by then to help with childminder cost). I have said I will book holiday clubs and assist with lifts. And that I will help in emergencies...But reiterated I will not look after child got regular long days for the whole summer. Basically, she must exhaust the services available and I will fill in gaps.

-mother has gone back to employer to say she cannot do late shift after this week, all fine.

-today the local council called me about doing welfare check and giving £200 welcome payment (as child is sponsored). They asked me when to come... I suggested from 3.30pm any weekday next week, as mother and child would be home from work/school. I contacted mother to ask if this time will be suitable and the reply was "No because when I am on early shift I will come home and go straight to sleep"...... this has me flabbergasted. After everything that has been discussed. She is planning to come home from work and go straight to bed for the day, leaving me to collect child from school and care for her all afternoon. So not much different to her being on the late shift then! I have said repeatedly that this was not agreed and it's too much for me.

-my children are 3 and 4. My 3 year old routinely wakes at 0500-0530 at the moment. I have my hands full and am tired. Why should I look after 3 kids all afternoon every weekday???!!!

How do I respond to this please? I do understand that she is in a difficult situation but I have coped for 4 years on little sleep with a husband working away much of the time. I just have to suck it up/ go to bed early when I can. I think I should reply and say "hi, just to reiterate, if you're only the early shift you'll have to collect [the child] and care for her after school. I am happy to walk her to school in the morning." ... but it doesn't seem to be going in?!! I don't want to mean but I also don't want to dumped on.

Thanks

@hassletassle, she is taking the piss, simple as that. She needs to pay for childcare on the days she is working if she’s on an early shift and needs to sleep, or brings her daughter to her room with her and locks the door, daughter can watch tv or something. Either that or she doesn’t take the job and looks for something with daytime hours.

I admire you all, I really do. This sort of thing is exactly why I didn’t sign up for this scheme.

You are going to have to be firm and if it causes an arguemrnt then so be it.