Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

I'm feeling a bit disheartened reading about all the guests who are cracking on with life and finding work and childcare etc. My guest won't even leave the house without me unless it's to go to the park at the end of the street. She doesn't seem very upset or traumatised though- cracks on with making three meals a day and laughing with friends on zoom, so I don't know if it's actual war trauma or she's just a needy person in general. I'm starting to feel like a foster parent.
I've actually gone away for the weekend to my grandma's as she is poorly and it was arranged weeks ago as my aunt is away and she needed someone with her for the weekend. I warned guest whilst she was still in Ukraine so she was mentally prepared and her husband is living and working on a farm in the same county so I said he could come and stay with her. (He was here prior to war).
She said he couldn't get away to see her this weekend so she wouldn't be alone but suddenly told me today her brother came down from London where he lives, to see her. She said she hadn't seen him for two years. She never mentioned a brother living here before. Suddenly I felt like a mug. We had arranged her biometrics appointment and the closest one is in London. She said she needed me to go with her. When I found out she had a brother there, I said okay you can ask him to meet you and go with you and I'll put you on the train. She said (all through Google translate) "no he has to work and I want you to take me. I'll pay your train". No please or anything. I have a toddler of my own too and I'm a single mum and DD has nursery that day and I don't want her to miss it. The appointment is a good few weeks away so she could have asked her brother to take the afternoon off work to meet her. Then she said he doesn't speak English. I'm thinking if he's been in London two years how does he not speak english?
I spoke to my grandma about it and she said 'what about the organisation you found her through'? So I contacted the person who had contacted her in my behalf, who lives in London and asked her to take her. I said I would put my guest on the train and it's only a forty minute train ride and no underground or buses are neccessary. Can walk to the biometrics place from the train station and it's not central London so not overwhelming.
When I told my guest through text that the Ukrainian woman would take her, she didn't acknowledge it.
There's an amazing local group formed with lots of meet ups and resources and it is run by local Ukrainians. I keep telling her to ask questions on there and find out about meetups and ask for things, but she wants me to find out the answers for her.
I've shown my guest around and taken her on the bus into town. Her husband has taken her to Aldi on the same bus route. I hope she will start going places alone soon. Otherwise she will be stuck indoors a lot as I only go into town once or twice a week, as toddler life means I keep things simple. I also hope she leans on the Ukrainian community more.
Am I being unreasonable to expect her to find her own resources from now on? I've done her council money for her, I've got her sim sorted for her, I've called universal credit a few times for her and taken her there once. (Need to take her again as they were closing). I filled in her biometrics forms for her and two kids and booked her appointment and arranged her a guide to take her there. I've got her all the things she needed like toiletries and sticker books for her DD and bedsheets and baby clothes and initial food. I've added her to the local Facebook group, I've gone to the primary school and got the forms and filled them in and will take them back for her. I'll obviously do the child benefit for her and take her to the doctors to get the forms. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to do the rest of the things she needs and find out the information as it's all so available on the group? Oh she wants me to take her clothes shopping as well, but I'm unsure if I want to give all that time and energy when I don't even have time to do my own summer clothes shopping at the moment. Surely she should arrange some outings with her brother and husband on their days off, to get some things sorted (like dance classes for her daughter) and get out more? The husband works ten minutes drive up the road on a farm doing overnights but the accomodation is about 50 miles away. He says he can't come and see her more because they drive together with the boss back to the base every day. She says they want to find a house together but if that's the case, she will need a job. I'm also perplexed how she never got her brother to send some things here for her before she arrived or got him to help in any way, because she knew I had a lot of jobs to do to prepare for her and get her what she needed what with her visa coming through so fast. I feel like I'm being used a bit and maybe they thought all Brits were rich and able to just give.

I also don't see how she thinks it's unreasonable to ask her own brother to arrange his life to help her with an appointment in his area, but apparently it's okay for me to do that, and take my toddler on a train and back to another city for her.

Our guest arrived via heathrow on monday. We travelled down south a few days before to have a short break in oxford then went to pick her up. Arrived home just outside manchester on tuesday, early enough to nip to the council and show ID then pop into HSBC. Thursday she was pretty much alone most of the day and I sensed she was a bit wound up about something when I arrived home from work.Turned out she'd been reading posts on some of the facebook groups about local councils prevaricating over the £200 payment. She was concerned that she woul

Crikey it's deleted half my post !

she was concerned she'd miss out and wanted me to pursue it further despite us having done all we could only a few days earlier, visiting the job centre and applying for UC etc. I managed to reassure her and everything was fine but I'd just finished a very busy 12 hour shift !
Main issues we are having are that she's vegetarian and doesn't seem to meal plan so it's difficult to pin down exactly what she wants to eat. Hopefully things will sort themselves out eventually as we get into a routine.
Disappointingly our local homes for ukraine facebook page isn't that dynamic and not much activity. Our guest doesn't seem that fussed about meeting up with other ukrainians thank goodness but I'm worried she'll soon feel isolated. She's well travelled and pretty fluent, no dependents so I suspect she'll move on once she's sorted job wise etc.

It’s the local council who pay the £200. Our council pay it within 48 hours of notification of arrival. They ask for guests mobile number and email , send a message with a code. Guest went to post office and got cash.
Your guest can but abs cook her own food . Maybe take her to the supermarket and buy for her first time if you can afford it. Otherwise wait for £200.

Sorry buy and cook

@Dotdotdot21 it sounds the same set up as my local council. I wonder if we live in the same place or if most councils are doing the text and post office thing?

Different here (we had to go to the council offices) but we are quite rural, our council has been rather on the back foot, and this was 3 weeks ago- they might have changed it since.

@Shelovespawpatrol That sounds so hard with your guest being so reliant on you. Once she links in with other Ukrainians she'll be about to ask them about how to do things in Ukrainian, which will be much easier for her. I wonder why she's so reluctant? I would try again to see if you can find a local volunteer (a Ukrainian speaker if possible, but just a patient English speaking local if not) to be a bit of a support worker to her - invite them round and introduce her to them, then encourage her to pick up with them for support. I've helped mine with quite a lot of bureaucracy but they have also made contacts for themselves with other Ukrainians so I'm assuming the input they'll need from me will diminish as they settle in.

Our local council have outsourced the cash to a housing support co, they made contact quickly & brought actual cash plus helped my guest complete the UC application.

Our Ukrainian family mum's birthday is on Friday.
I have said we will go out to a pizza restaurant - there are 2 kids, 4 and 10.
Any ideas what I can get her as a suitable present?!
They bought us some lovely hand-made things when they arrived.

What about a clothing voucher for somewhere nice like Zara so she can choose and feel more at home

I don’t think this can be beaten really.
Zara or whatever you think makes most sense given your budget and her style.

Another option might be vouchers for a coffee shop or something so she can meet up with friends.

Thanks for the suggestions. We are in a rural area so shops like Zara just aren't accessible - although I suppose they do online?
I dont' have a great sense of her style - she's only been here a few days and it's been jeans, T-shirts & trainers, although she always looks nice !

Could do an M&S voucher? It's a brand she knows as she commented with surprise that they do food when she saw it in my fridge. But then there is a risk that she will spend it on her kids instead.

Meeting with the school this morning was a bit of a car crash. They had assured me it wouldn’t be an interview, just a tour of the school and an informal chat.

It was exactly like an interview. Poor girl was completely out of her comfort zone, clammed up and couldn’t answer any of the questions. They were kind to her, but it was all too much.

So, we’ve abandoned the idea of A-levels for now, and she’s just going to focus on improving her English and getting confident in speaking it over the summer.

I’m sure it didn’t help that her home town was bombed overnight.

That sounds very traumatic for her . Our town have a Ukrainian group - set up by volunteers- some hosting some not . They have arranged English classes for adults and children. Conversational English I believe - maybe something like that could help ?

Yes, she’s already going to a weekly English class set up by a volunteer, and does some online learning every day. And I’m in the process of organising an additional conversation class with a retired EFL teacher, which would just be her, her mum and the teacher.

She asked if I could find classes led by a native Russian/Ukrainian teacher, but there don’t seem to be any locally. I will keep looking though.

@VenusClapTrap there are some being set up on zoom. Not sure how you would find one but maybe ask in your local Ukraine hosting group as someone might be participating in one.

Update here. Been away for the weekend and got back and things seem a lot calmer. Still some issues with her not wanting to go places without me. I found her a local russian volunteer in our local group who offered to take her to the job centre and anywhere else she wanted. She said she doesn't want to speak to russian people. I told her the woman is safe and protesting against the war. I told her I have a lot to do and it would be better for me if she goes with this lady and I showed her her Facebook to show her that she was just a regular local mum. She hasn't responded about it and looked upset but I haven't brought it up again. I don't know whether to bring it up to arrange a time and day for her to be taken or wait for her to bring it up now. I definitely have to protect my time. I realised that because I don't have a full time job I go to, outside of taking care of my DD it looks from the outside that I have all the time on the world. But it's not true. I also have my own needs and personal admin to deal with and things I need to get sorted in my house. As well as keeping track of all her admin. School form filled in. Will take it there tomorrow. Not a lot we can do if they don't have a spare place. Mum said she wasn't keen on her going there and not knowing English. Well I don't think that one can be solved really, apart from time and throwing her in at the deep end. It's only round the corner and a lovely school.
They're very tidy which is a plus and she gave me some cooked potatoes today when I got home from my trip to see my poorly grandmother.
I've been gifted some tickets to Legoland for Thursday. It's DD's birthday Friday. I invited my guest and said we will need to buy one more ticket and we can split the cost at 12.50 each. She said her husband could send her the money for it, so it seems like it would be okay for us all to go. Not sure if I've got the energy for it though and want to wrap dd's present. Just need to get through this week of guest's admin and dd's birthday out of the way and things will feel better.

@VenusClapTrap My council has published links to various online English lessons for Ukrainians. Here you go:

"English With Ukrainians" is a free resource. Ukrainian translators still in the Ukraine translate lessons and discuss linguistic/cultural differences. There are also activities that are suitable for host families to do with Ukrainian guests.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChzPezzBTkm8bu2lrr5y0UA -
Assets Publishing: Welcome guidance in Ukranian (український)
Assets Publishing: Welcome guidance in Russian (Русский)
GOV.UK: Guidance Homes for Ukraine: sponsor guidance
Homes for Ukraine scheme: frequently asked questions (www.gov.uk)

Links dont seem to have converted: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChzPezzBTkm8bu2lrr5y0UA

Just come home to find guest with wet washing spread out all over her bed. We have a tumble dryer and washing line .
When I asked her not to do this she became annoyed . But the duvet under was damp !