Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

Provision of unlimited free childcare by hosts was not part of the scheme.
If you are repeating it and it’s not going in is there any way you can arrange to be out on the first day that she expects you to pick up the child, to make absolutely sure it doesn’t default to you?

@Undertheash that's what I thought. Pick up your child from school. If you're really tired then put her in the bedroom with you with a film on, shut the door and tell her you are napping for an hour, then look after her for the rest of the day. Or just go to bed very early and survive like I do! I do feel that this expectation that I will look after her child whenever she wants is going to cause the breakdown of this sponsorship placement. This really saddens me because I do really want to help them and I have put a huge amount of practical and emotional energy into supporting them to get to this point, and I have made it very clear what my boundaries are regarding childcare.

They are not here at the moment so I have just sent a message back saying "if you are on the early shift you will have to collect her from school at 3 pm and look after her until she goes to bed. I know it is tiring, I am off and up at 5 am with my own children and need to look after them until late at night, but I cannot cope with looking after three children all afternoon and doing both school runs". I do not think she will like this, but like you said, if it causes an argument then so be it.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel Thank you for your response, I really am quite upset at the moment. I agree, provision of unlimited free childcare was not part of the arrangement. As they are living in our home I am happy to help out within reason, but that is all. My four-year-old goes to a preschool at the same site as the primary school, albeit in a different building. I suppose I could pick up my four-year-old and bring her home and simply not pick up the seven-year-old. I would have to tell the school I am not collecting her and that her mother is doing it... this because the school know that I am living with the child and I have helped with enrolment etc. So if the child is not collected they might phone me! Even though I am not the legal guardian.

What’s really frustrating is that this is the sort of issue that could probably be resolved with help and if you were doing this through a charity instead of the hastily thrown together government scheme there probably would be mediation available.
Are there any local charities or support organisations that might be able to help? I was thinking, if it was me I might go either to the local branch of Sanctuary Foundation or to the local Ukrainian-born lady who is organizing things in my area and say, ‘look, is there anyone who would be able to have a talk to my guest because she doesn’t seem to be listening to me?’

Our guests’ NI numbers have come through less than a week after applying!

@VenusClapTrap I've not read the whole thread yet so apologies if this is useless advice but would Duolingo be of any use to your guest in learning English?

Thanks for starting this thread! Have just read through and some useful advice and reassuring shared experiences!

My guest is a single 27 yo woman and she has been very needy. I’ve tried to be patient, reminding myself and speaking to her about being in shock, delayed reactions etc. I said I’d help her if she needed counselling & printed off some resources in Ukrainian - which she screwed up and put in the bin. She was kind of cross and insists she has no issues.

But even though I bought loads of things to welcome her, filled out all the bank forms, helped with UC application, cooked meals and bought all the food, I feel like I’m not doing enough! I do all the cleaning except asking her to clean the kitchen after she’s prepared food. We are now six weeks in, she has just asked me how to use a cloth to clean the work top! I’ve gone over and over things and finally printed out some rules and it all went pear shaped. She says I am pedantic. She says I am upsetting her because I don’t remind her gently enough. She said living with me was worse than being in the war zone!

I’m trying, but can’t help feeling that she shouldn’t need to be told to wipe up grease spatters. Or if she wasn’t sure where the cleaning spray was, surely it shouldn’t take six weeks to ask!

She hasn’t really put much effort into finding work - I’ve sent her info about local retail work but she has a reason for disliking every one. I know its not her dream job and I have suggested part time work while she pursues creative opportunities. I explained that she needs to have and income and then work her way up, but this sort of made her angry again. I suggested she volunteer at a local Ukrainian run restaurant that’s collection donations but she said she didn’t see the point. I even sent links to some part time music courses but she didn’t seem interested. She wakes up late, spends a lot of time in her room, chatting online.

I genuinely don’t know if she is suffering trauma / depression - and feel like a cow for being resentful about her behaviour. But I’m waking on eggshells. It’s exhausting.

Plus she used her £200 emergency payment to buy concert tickets, (while I was paying for all the groceries - stopped that now), and confidently travelled across London on her own to go. It was lovely to see her happy but confusing that she has no fear doing this yet says I am awful for making her feel bad when I get frustrated that she has not cleaned up her mess.

Reading here, I get some people are more independent and better at adjusting, while others are more needy. So reassured that its not just some personal failure! But I don’t think I have the mental energy to meet her needs.

she told me that a friend of hers just arrived from Kyiv and her hosts practically walked her to a local bakery that was hiring and had her a job within 3 days! We both laughed - for completely different reasons, I think!

Final issue - she has so far refused to get the covid jab. I’ve explained how lockdown affected everyone, that I have asthma and spent 18 months shielding while my business was tanking, but she’s made various excuses. I set up a GP appointment and made sure they had an interpreter to discuss ant concerns she had and the GP booked her a vaccination. Which my guest later cancelled.

sorry this is a brain dump but I’d really appreciate advice on how to deal - more constructive than ‘chuck her out’ please! (Although I’m starting to think that giving her a month’s notice might motivate her…)

Sorry you are having this problem . My guest started work straight away and has got a second job lined up as well. So not all Ukrainians don’t want to work . My guest is professional person and only doing manual work here so it’s hard for her.
I didn’t give my guest house rules in the end as I think it would upset her. But I think for anyone reading this - please start with basic house rules written down. That’s way you probably won’t cause offence.
Someoriginal your guest is taking advantage of your good nature . Please don’t provide food . I would drop her off at the job centre.
Also make it clear the offer of accommodation is for six months only . Some hosts might extend but otherwise they will probably be housed in hostels etc by the council . This might make her realise you are better than a war zone 🙄
Im not sure what we will do at six months but definitely at a year we will ask to move on - we might give six months notice at six months .

Thanks for your reply, dotdot

Obvs this is something we’re all new to and it’s difficult to get everything right.

I also thought rules would offend my guest - I even said to her that it must be hard coming from an independent life to being completely dependent. But you are right: written rules at the start should help to cut off any misunderstandings before they start.

I think we do need to sit down again and I will emphasise that there is an end date to the arrangement. I have been explaining that she will need desposits and rent once she leaves here, but maybe four months seems like a long time! Thanks, yes, will point out that she could end up in a hostel if she doesn’t start being proactive.

Great to hear things are going better with your guest!

Sorry to hear about the difficulties that some people are having. Makes me feel very lucky with our guest, who has started a new job this week and is always cleaning the kitchen.

Yes, likewise, I feel very lucky with our guests too. Some of these situations sound extremely difficult to navigate. I don’t know what to suggest.

thank you for the language suggestions and links. My guests are already doing online lessons, and face to face lessons but with a native English speaker. What they’ve asked me to find is a Ukrainian teacher who can teach them English - as we’re in a rural village that’s a bit tricky.

Teen guest has helped me make some cakes for the school cake stall tonight. And I’ve got her some dog walking jobs, which she is thrilled about.

Reading these stories made me feel better about how things are going with my guest.
Sorry to hear you guys are having a tough time. I think you just have to really be able to put your foot down when they get demanding or difficult and remember it is your house and not be afraid of upsetting them.

We went to Legoland today. Me, my DD who turns three tomorrow, my guest, five year old daughter and her one year old daughter. It took three hours to get there and a lot longer to get back as we didn't have a set train schedule to come back for, but it was quite bonding (although really stressful to navigate ride choices for different age children with the language barrier- zero English). I got angry on the way home with the way some people in London for how they were behaving towards us with having two buggies. One nasty man who was behind us, tried to push us into the wall of the lift just to fit his suitcase in, rather than wait 30 seconds to get into the next one, and was so rude and bullying about it and it was horrible being jostled about. He had a go at my toddler and then was pushing on my guest to make her move, even though there was literally no more room for others. I then spotted him getting into the next lift we needed to take and I hurried to get into it with him just to piss him off. Ironically he wouldn't move to make space for us. I asked him to move and he said he couldn't so I pushed him with my buggy and said 'move then'. He said I was out of order and I said 'its exactly what you did to us'. He said he wasn't physical (even though he was) and I said 'you didn't need to be, you did it all verbally. To a two year old as well'. I don't normally behave like that but I just hate bullies and get overprotective of those who are vulnerable. My guest was very impressed so hopefully she feels a bit safer with me now because she knows I won't let anyone mistreat her. I've never ever ever experienced that kind of attitude before whilst out with a buggy so I did worry it was him spotting a foreigner and thinking he could be awful to us.
My guest was saying about everyone trying to say stuff to her in English when she was getting on the tube (had a random man trying to boss her about whilst she was waiting to go through the ticket barriers) and we joked about getting her a badge that says Ukrainian, so that people will be more understanding. I am thinking it might be a good idea though, to put something on a lanyard that says 'new to the country, please be kind'.

I'm hoping the late night means my DD has a lie in tomorrow as I'm worn out!

@Shelovespawpatrol

I've just typed "lanyard Ukrainian" and brought up

Ukraine / Ukrainian neck Lanyard With Detachable Buckle Clip & Horizontal C... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09VTB9C33/ref=cmswwrsmssapiii_8EJMSX9H7XY7YX44T5KW

though you'd need to add your text to the card holder. 🌹

Well done Pawpatrol. That sounds like an intense but worthwhile day.

May I have a rant about the English language and the way we use it causing confusion for my poor guests?
Firstly on forms. Building Society. Deed Poll. How is anyone meant to know what that’s all about?
Then we have school communications. School dinners and school lunches used interchangeably as if it’s two meals not one. And ‘after school club’ as a Parentpay item meaning childcare rather than the actual after school clubs, which are free.
At least with them living with you they have someone available to explain, but how do immigrants manage normally?!

My guest is not respecting the only two rules I laid out when she asked me about rules whilst still in Ukraine. I said I don't want sweets in the house (or at least visible in the house) because of my toddler DD not wanting to eat her dinner if she sees them and I also said we like quiet once it's bedtime and that we go to bed early 7-8pm. İt's nearly nine pm and the daughter (5 years) is currently bouncing around in the room next to us making a tonne of noise. She took her kids to the park at bedtime so they're only just settling down now. Not enough to wake my DD up but enough to stop me from being able to unwind after a busy day of single parenting.
I also told her no when she offered my DD a Muller corner at dinner time whilst I was trying to get her to eat her dinner that she was refusing and she pulled a face at my DD as though I was a mean monster for that.
I'm so drained from trying to keep my life and my dd's life calm. DD is sick of the older girl not respecting her boundaries and personal space and trying to wind her up, to the point that she's lashing out at her, even when the girl is not trying to wind her up. I'm having to watch them together all the time because the mum doesn't reprimand her daughter, even though I remove my DD when she gets angry and tell the Ukrainian girl to leave her alone.
Even the baby is a bit of a beast and drops what she is doing to come charging up to you from the other side of the room when you've got anything in your hand and tries to pull it away- food, toys, remote control. My DD is in tears all the time trying to play and she can't. İt's a bit mad. I don't think the mum should be leaving the baby in the living room knowing what she's like and just expecting us to fend her off. We have been squashed up in our small bedroom all day just so DD can play with her toys in peace.
I'm too tired to keep writing requests of get your kids to give my kid space on the Google translate.
I really want them to go but they haven't done anything outrageous, but just really winding up my DD.
We haven't even had our initial inspection yet so don't know if we will get the monthly payments.
I'm just hoping they hurry up and do it and say the space is too small and make them leave or something.

That sounds rough, shelovespawpatrol. Would you feel comfortable leaving your little one with the mum babysitting while you go for a walk? Get some space? I know the thought of having to leave your own home isn’t ideal, but it’s important not to lose your cool.

I’m having to give myself time out a lot right now! After the ‘i don’t know how to use a cleaning cloth’ showdown, my guest went out. She came back after 10pm, cooked herself a meal which she ate in her room (gggrrr) then put on some laundry with the dryer on at 11pm. I woke up very early and went for a long run. I’m still annoyed but calmer.

I was also starting to hope that my council would decide I wasn’t right for the scheme, but councils are trying really hard to avoid having to house the refugees themselves.

So you may have to accept that you have taken on more than you can handle and approach the council proactively. You did a good thing in helping them get out of a bad situation. You’ve given respite and got them started. Ideally there will be opportunities via the rematching scheme, perhaps an older couple with a bigger house.

But if you and you LO get so stressed out, that isn’t going to help anyone.

Sometimes things don’t work out.

I’m arranging a meeting with the council to ask if they can help my guest get her own place. I’m asking her so little but she seems to have a lot of displaced anger and is going to be unhappy with anything other than being left to do her own thing. Me being unhappy and uncomfortable instead just doesn’t work. I’ve done as much as I can.

We have to recognise that we’ve done our best.

@SomeOriginalUserName I think it's quite normal got lodgers to choose to eat in their rooms. If she wants to be left alone to do her own thing couldn't your just let her do that? Might be easier to relax a bit if you don't see her as part of your family but more like a housemate. A bit of cleaning, replacement bedding, etc after she's gone is easily going to be covered out of the £350 a month.

I do feel for those trying to manage small children alongside their own kids though - @Shelovespawpatrol - different rules for different kids are terribly hard to manage. DH and I are a blended family and moved all our kids in together don't years back - that was hard even with months to prepare and took quite a lot of compromises on both sides. I had to previously enjoyed the autonomy that goes with being a single parent.
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@TheCountessofFitzdotterel - I've wondered the same about how other refugees manage. These's so much bureaucracy associated with moving to a new country and much if it is hard going even in your own language. My guest is self reliant and motivated but still needs to ask me a lot of questions. I guess other refugees use charities and support each other quite a bit but it this experience has given me a huge amount of respect for those dealing with it and just how hard it all is.

Thanks Fireflyes. I was happy for her to eat snacks etc in her room but asked her to eat big cooked meals at the table as eating on the bed isn’t a good habit and not just for the costs of replacing things if food spills. I was happy to meet her half way. But, yes, I think I’m just going to leave things to avoid arguments for the next couple of weeks. The thing is, she’s not a housemate and I’m too old for house shares! I guess that’s on me and I have to take responsibility for that. OTOH I was really clear when we were chatting, before we applied for the visa, about the age difference and how I keep my home. I tried being relaxed and asked her just to clean up after herself and I’d do the rest, so there were no arguments about cleaning rotas etc. But if she’s asking me how to use a cloth to clean the worktop, and only doing in after I’ve asked her for n time to clean up after herself (as in not proactive), I feel more like I’m being put in the mean mom role than someone in a shared home and that makes it hard for me to relax. She needs to be with someone more on her wavelength, I guess. I’ll support her to find a more suitable place - which is what I’d earmarked the £350 for, TBH.

Wow, sounds like some hosts are having a difficult time. It's bound to be tricky at first, with all of you having to adjust your living style to accommodate others.

We're hosting 2 parents and their DDs aged 3 and 6. It's going well so far (a month in), our DS (nearly 5) gets on really well with the girls. The girls have started school and pre-school and their father has found a job doing manual work (he has a degree in engineering but his English is quite poor). The parents have both started English lessons with a local teacher who, amazingly, speaks Russian.

The only snag is that our kids aren't in sync when it comes to bedtimes (they go to bed really late, after 9.30pm), but I reckon that'll iron itself out fairly soon what with school and pre-school tiring them out! I took all 3 kids to soft play today to give their mum a break (v traditional set-up, the mum does everything for the kids), it was lots of fun.

I hope you've managed to sort out the childcare situation @hassletassle it must be really tough, especially as there's a big age gap between your 2 and your guest's DD.

Need advice please. How much time do you expect your guest to spend on chores? Mine (early 20s) does clean her room (I don't set foot in there) but dodges practically everything else. I mean to the extent that I do all the cooking (she cannot cook. At all.) AND end up cleaning up afterwards unless I specifically ask her to clear up. I suggested two hours' chores a week to her the other day and she looked carefully blank so I'm obviously not going to get that. I don't expect her to clean the loo, but she doesn't even rinse the shower out when she's used it. If I get ratty (only a couple of times so far and not related to housework) she sulks.

I'm beginning to think the five week point is where the honeymoon period ends. I've started trying to reclaim my own life a bit and my guest seems taken by surprise that I have other things to do than chaperone her to meetings and cook her dinner.

Hi @Mostess sorry you’re having a bit of stress.

i’m not sure what the answer is - it seems it should be a given that your guest should pitch in at least to clean up after herself. Trying to analyse it though, Im starting to think that younger guests in particular are just angry/resentful about being in this position at all, being told by a stranger to clean up after themselves. And older guests, those with chuldren are more practical and understand everyone needs to pitch in.

I opted for taking on all the cleaning just to make things easy. It might be a battle better off not picking.

Maybe focus on supporting your guest to find work and start building a nest egg so she is able to be independent and move sooner?

It’s not ideal but might be the choice we’ve left ourselves with!

She already has a part time job and I've told her she should save.

I think I'd expect her either to cook half the meals, or else for you both to cook for yourselves. Or if you really like cooking then you cook and she clears up - can you just catch her at the end of each meal and all her then and there to wash up? I think 2 hours chores a week isn't unreasonable but would need defining - eg she does the hovering one week and cleans the bathroom the next. Alternately I guess you could get a paid cleaner and take it out the £350 a month. Ours are keen to cook and we're starting to settle in to taking turns each evening which is going ok. Am eating a lot of cabbage though!

I’m Ukrainian, though I left as a child, and we’ve hosted family members. I recognise some of these issues as cultural to some extent.

I had a 28 yr old relative who sounds like the 27 yr here to some extent. The cooking splatters were our clash, when she discovered bacon it blew up in a week to an argument.

I’m not sure there’s an easy solution really. Ultimately since March we’ve hosted family members, but supported them all into jobs and private renting as the long term solution. Relationships have been better since. It’s not easy.