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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

1000 replies

Honeysuckle9 · 19/05/2022 13:31

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 30/11/2022 13:01

Well he’s arrived. He seems nice, but I feel a bit weird about having a strange man in the house. Dh is away on business, which doesn’t help. I’ve had word that a suitable (and affordable!) little cottage might be coming up for rent in the village after Christmas, so keeping everything crossed I can make that work.

Im now trying to figure out how to do all the new arrival stuff, like BRP, which I have of course completely forgotten how to do. Even just filling in the council arrivals form is complicated because it asks total number of refugees being hosted, and there’s no box for when some are already here.

Today’s added stress is that my lady really needs to see a doctor about something that’s been bubbling along for a while. She has refused up till now, but has just been asking me to buy her hypodermic syringes so she can inject some random stuff her Dh has brought from Ukraine. Yikes. There are presumably rules about that - the local pharmacy wouldn’t sell her any. So I’ve persuaded her to let me book her a docs appt, but of course they’re all phone appointments only and the language is a huge problem. Phone won’t work. Aaaaargh.

Oof. I’m feeling tired about it all and suddenly just want my house back and normal life.

Thereisnolight · 30/11/2022 13:09

I’m hosting and we’re getting on pretty well.
But I wouldn’t do that much work for my guests. Sourcing syringes? Making doctor’s appointments? Filling in paperwork that his family has already been through so should know how to do it by now, or where to find a translator? Nah mate.

VenusClapTrap · 30/11/2022 13:36

Yes, they are a bit needy. But I’ve got into the habit of helping them out with everything and it’s proving hard to wean them off that. Teenager treats me like a second mum - although with more gratitude than my dc!

Speaking of gratitude. Slightly irked that the husband hasn’t even said thank you yet for us hosting him. But that’s just me being all British. Dh (who is foreign) rolls his eyes if I complain about stuff like that.

Think I got out of bed the wrong side this morning, tbh. Good to offload on here.

RedToothBrush · 30/11/2022 13:42

VenusClapTrap · 30/11/2022 13:36

Yes, they are a bit needy. But I’ve got into the habit of helping them out with everything and it’s proving hard to wean them off that. Teenager treats me like a second mum - although with more gratitude than my dc!

Speaking of gratitude. Slightly irked that the husband hasn’t even said thank you yet for us hosting him. But that’s just me being all British. Dh (who is foreign) rolls his eyes if I complain about stuff like that.

Think I got out of bed the wrong side this morning, tbh. Good to offload on here.

You aren't helping them by doing it for them at this point.

You should be refusing and saying they need to step up and take it on and you will assist them but you won't do it for them.

They have to learn to live independently again and you doing things for them actually removes that agency and doesn't mean they have the skills they need to learn.

VenusClapTrap · 30/11/2022 13:43

Yes you’re probably right.

Tulipomania · 01/12/2022 18:55

When my Ukrainians were staying I had to help them do a fair bit of admin. But I definitely got payback - my adult guest was very quick to understand things like the apps you can use to buy bus tickets etc, which I was totally clueless about, and passed this on to me. And getting free stuff!

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 10/12/2022 11:37

@CookieDoughKid and anyone else interested we have moving on dates for our two remaining house guests. One (who is adorable and we would have been happy to stay longer if she had wanted to) has found a house share in London she's pleased with, we're a 25 minute walk to the nearest train station and an hour away from London on the train, and it has always been her aim to live in the capital where she has a friend. She's moving out in mid January.
That left one guest who we have not bonded quite so well with. (She works from home so is always in the house which hasn't helped.) She has rejected two new hosts provided by the council locally without viewing and never seemed to find a rental that was quite right.
In the end I had to have a difficult conversation with her and she has agreed to view, and subsequently accepted, one of the offered host family homes and will also be moving in January.
Tbh she comes from a wealthy family, has found a well paid job in the U.K. and has taken several European holidays whilst she's been with us (spending Christmas with a friend in Paris for example) so I don't really know why the British tax payer is still supporting her living expenses, but I can't deny it's a relief to be getting our house back next month after over 9 months.
If I were ever to do this again I would need to have a definite end date to the arrangement, which could then be extended if it was working out, we were fine with a 6 month stint and had prepared ourselves for that, but 9 months has been a step too far.

LaurelGrove · 10/12/2022 12:47

@DesdamonasHandkerchief that's great news. Where did your guest find the house share? I have spoken to my guest about moving on (our 12 months is up mid April) but I think post Christmas I am going to need to get actively involved.

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 11/12/2022 00:29

@LaurelGrove she found it on Spareroom.com, the homeowner rents out her two or three spare bedrooms so it's only a couple of hundred pounds deposit and a months notice on either side. Her rent is inclusive of bills so she can budget and there's just generally less red tape and checks than a normal tenancy.

LaurelGrove · 11/12/2022 08:32

I'm nudging my guest towards Spareroom. But she's resisting - she wants her own place. Not going to happen in central London, so we continue the discussions. Well done to your guest!

VenusClapTrap · 13/12/2022 10:06

That’s good news Desdemona.

Well it’s been an education discovering how letting agents work. Basically their rules make it impossible for my family to rent anything through their channels. I thought I’d found a godsend solution when I discovered that a little cottage belonging to a friend of mine was becoming available mid January. Affordable rent.

But my friend was a hard nosed businesswoman before she retired, and a stickler for doing things by the book. She can also be a bit salty if not treated carefully. She told me they were welcome to rent it but would have to go through the agents. Agents said they didn’t meet their requirements. Zero room for negotiation.

After much agonising, I wrote my friend a letter explaining that I didn’t want to push this and damage our relationship - we volunteer together on a local committee and have to have a good working relationship - but I HAD to ask her for her help, because the agents would not accept my family without her intervention, even with us offering to put everything in our name and pay the rent ourselves (with the family paying us back privately). I’ve told her we will even offer to pay the whole year’s rent upfront to remove all risk if necessary.

She wrote back saying she will meet with the agents and discuss, so now all I can do is cross everything.

The problem is that this is a small, affluent village in a National Park. Rentals are rare as hens teeth and very expensive, and there is always a queue of people wanting them. If this doesn’t come off, they’ll have to move elsewhere and start again. With the mum settled in a job here, the daughter at the local college, and the dad just started work this week (thanks to word of mouth - supportive village) it would be so awful for them to have to uproot and start from scratch again after everything they’ve been through.

VenusClapTrap · 13/12/2022 10:12

On the plus side, the dad is starting to thaw out now. He’s very shy. I take back everything I said about lack of gratitude the other day when I was having a whinge; he is in helping out overdrive now. He put up the Christmas tree I was struggling with, carried down heavy boxes from the attic and changed the fuses in my duff fairy lights, and is doing everything he can to help out and give something back!

LaurelGrove · 13/12/2022 10:31

It's been a good week, hosting wise. We've done some Christmassy things together, celebrated my guest's birthday and she told me last night she's met someone who is looking to rent their spare room in early 2023. So I'm keeping everything crossed that comes off - it will be nearly 10 months at that point and she will have a decent amount saved if she doesn't need a big deposit. So I will feel like that is job done, take a deep breath and enjoy having my home back (if it comes off!).

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 13/12/2022 11:07

LaurelGrove & Venus I hope both your tentative rental arrangements for your Ukrainian guests come off. Do let us know.
I'm proud to be one of the ones who stepped up to help Ukrainian refugees, as I'm sure you are, but the realities of sharing your home for an extended period mean (unless you're very lucky or wanted company) it's always a relief to get your space and privacy back.

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 13/12/2022 11:16

Cambridgegirl90 · 30/10/2022 15:53

I just wanted to check in and see how everybody is doing?
Our guests have not yet been successful in finding their own flat to rent so we have extended our invitation for them to stay for another 6 months. We would love to have our own space back to be honest but we feel we can’t ask them to leave.
I would love to hear how people are dealing with managing the temperature in the house?! We haven’t had the heating on much this year as we live in south east and the weather has been very mild - thermostat generally around 20 degrees. I have noticed that my guests are running an electric heater full time in their room which I feel mildly annoyed about if I am honest. Am I being unreasonable? I think maybe I am as the £350 will cover this additional
payment (I have calculated it costs £7.20 a day to run for 24 hours) but it feels unnecessary and wasteful? Is anyone else in a similar position and how are you managing it?

Hey @Cambridgegirl90 how are your guests coping with these freezing temperatures? Given they were running a heater 24/7 in October I'm guessing not well.
We asked our guests to make a monthly contribution to utilities when our bills went up again in October.
Our heating bills are now running at 4 times what they were a year or so ago, with two extra people on the house using cooking facilities, washer & dryer ect it seemed fair to do so.

UltimateFoole · 13/12/2022 13:18

I've started a new thread here... so that it's easy for this very supportive thread to continue for those who need it. X

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4697248-support-thread-for-those-hosting-ukrainian-refugees

CookieDoughKid · 19/12/2022 20:35

@UltimateFoole Thanks for starting a new thread!!

ChatSamosa · 20/01/2023 15:03

My experience hosting has been very positive and I hope it continues.

My only negative is food related. I can't get onboard with how heavily my guest uses sunflower oil in everything, mainly for frying (stinks the house out and requires a kitchen deep clean)

Kalabata · 12/02/2023 06:52

Hi, I had an email from my Local Authority asking me to a host a Ukrainian already working in the UK within the next 5 weeks. I have now met her and her former hosts and she has preferred my accomodation to others available. But the Council is being vague about how long I have to wait for my home inspection ( Barnardos or Extern I think do them ). The Council often doesn't reply to my emails. Any advice please about the wait time for the home inspection. Also I need a new Enhanced DBS check.

legofrostqueen · 12/02/2023 07:44

Our experience has been largely positive but we are weary & fed up with the lack of privacy after 9 months of hosting. Our guest is due to move out on Saturday, to a rental with her daughter, son in law & grandkids who've been living with another host family. They've been able to secure a rental as the daughter's English teacher is acting as a guarantor. The family will receive moving on grants from the local authority & town council but are still reluctant to spend any money on furniture or removal costs. I have helped them source some big items for free via Facebook but they are dithering about whether they want to pay a man with a van to collect the items...grrr

Tulipomania · 12/02/2023 19:21

@Kalabata It will depend on your local authority - they are all different.
I suggest you see if there is a local Facebook Group for hosts supporting Ukrainian refugees as they are more likely too be able to give you an answer.

Well done for agreeing to host someone - it can be a challenging but life affirming experience!

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 13/02/2023 09:20

Kalabata · 12/02/2023 06:52

Hi, I had an email from my Local Authority asking me to a host a Ukrainian already working in the UK within the next 5 weeks. I have now met her and her former hosts and she has preferred my accomodation to others available. But the Council is being vague about how long I have to wait for my home inspection ( Barnardos or Extern I think do them ). The Council often doesn't reply to my emails. Any advice please about the wait time for the home inspection. Also I need a new Enhanced DBS check.

Councils vary about the arrangements as Tulip says but I believe it is all sufficiently ad hoc that it is worth making a nuisance of yourself trying to get them to hurry up.
If it is unconscionably slow and trying to push it doesn’t help go to your MP.

Kalabata · 13/02/2023 14:20

Also my Ukrainian wants to visit home in Eastern Ukraine as her son has finished his army training before he gets stationed. On one of the posts here it said this was not allowed under the UK visa but the Council has not said anything. Has anyone got info on returning to Ukraine, please?

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 13/02/2023 15:26

Yes it absolutely is allowed. My guest went home for a few days to sort out a problem with their flat.

I think there might be a limit on how long you can be away for but if so it’s months rather than days. Also men need to be careful because sometimes they have trouble being allowed out again even with a valid reason & paperwork.

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