Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

Village near dnipro. They’ve really not spoke very much to us during their 4 months here.

fortheloveofflowers, I'd be really interested to know what the issue was with them looking for their own accommodation? Were they entitled to housing benefit and didn't want to do the looking?

We have a really difficult situation with our guest who we increasingly think isn't being straight with us about her plans - she has told us she really wants to find her own place and has been told by the council that she is entitled to get housing benefit which is enough (luckily) in some parts of our area to find a place for her and her child, but she is totally unwilling to look anywhere other than the most convenient (and so more expensive) places. Initially she said she was, so we tried to help her, but then she basically just says no not interested in here here here in a pretty dismissive way.

This despite the fact that she finds it clearly uncomfortable living with us (partly her own experiences, partly that we have laid some pretty basic house rules for her 6yr old son which she finds difficult like no hitting - us/her/our children- and if he is up till 10pm you have to be supervising him, not leaving him running around the house waking our kids up!).

She seems to have some idea that if the relationship with us breaks down she'll end up with council housing, but the council have been really clear that she will get another host family unless she is truly homeless because she has been kicked out on the street (which obviously we would never do and which would likely result in a hostel placement anyway). We've been through all this with her, but I think she may think that if she can get us to kick her out, the council will sort it out. We have been trying to find out what her plans are, probably in a too polite British way, but increasingly feel like we need to be more direct. Anyone else having a similar issue?

She seems to have some idea that if the relationship with us breaks down she'll end up with council housing, but the council have been really clear that she will get another host family unless she is truly homeless because she has been kicked out on the street (which obviously we would never do and which would likely result in a hostel placement anyway). We've been through all this with her, but I think she may think that if she can get us to kick her out, the council will sort it out. We have been trying to find out what her plans are, probably in a too polite British way, but increasingly feel like we need to be more direct. Anyone else having a similar issue?

There is a lot circulating in Ukranian social media circles about getting council housing. Its simply not true. The government changed the law just as the Ukraine scheme started. Refugees are now deprioritised, so they can not get housed ahead of Brits - the limit on how long they are allowed to stay in emergency accomodation was removed for refugees but not Brits. There are not going to be council housing for Ukrainians unless they live in a council area with an unusually low demand for council housing (and in the current climate this doesn't exist).

This needs to be stressed. And I think you need to call her bluff, and make the point you need to set a deadline for her to leave and she needs to make efforts to fine somewhere else. You tell HER what YOUR plans are and then TELL her she needs to fit in with that. This isn't a compromise situation. There is no point in 'being nice' about it, if she isn't making any effort and has no interest or incentive to do anything. You have to force the issue. You've BEEN nice. More than nice. Don't be a mug and a doormat though.

I know loads of people who are having issues locally. Some Ukranians have a really good attitude, but others have such a bad attitude than I know some of the other Ukrainians are actively avoiding associating with them. My friend's guest is embarassed and horrified by a lady who scolded her and said, "why are you working? you should just get UC like me". The talk amongst the hosts group is mostly a mix of despair and resignation.

Its awful for all.

It is very difficult on all sides. I see that man who left his wife with a very few weeks for their Ukrainian guest has now split up with her because she was drinking a lot and in a row even threw a knife at the wall and damaged it and he called the police (I doubt his wife will be having him back however).

I do think some people may be not blunt enough in issuing instructions and deadlines and sometimes for the sake of your own family you just have to say something like we will need you to leave by 31 October. The family in the press who were evicted (and allegedly has not been honest with their host, an army man) the only way the host could get them out in the end was a letter from solicitors!
I am sure many relationships are working out fine but it may be time for some to go back home now that Ukraine has made some progress in taking back some territory even in the East.

My "up and down", exhausting hosting journey has finally come to an end.

My guests moved out this morning, into another hosted house but in a large town rather than rural like me. Everything was amicable until the end which I think is a credit to everybody involved.

Absolutely shattered!

actually we have planned a holiday during the October school holidays (booked it when we realised our guests would definitely be leaving by the end of September), so now we have that to look forward to , and will have space to unwind and reflect on our experience.

I'm glad I did it, it was very "character building" , I'm very good at maintaining boundaries now. Also, our guests have left us in a much much better situation than they arrived. I will always be proud of everything we have done for them, but I won't be hosting again! Once is enough for me and I'm really enjoying having the house back already.

Good luck to everybody still going. I'll still be popping onto the thread every now and again as there may be things I can help others with.

Just to clarify-our guests have left us in a much better situation than they were in when they arrived. Our situation isn't any different! We are probably a bit poorer if anything!

I did wonder what you meant hassle 😛

pleased to hear that all is calm again now. It’s certainly been harder than I anticipated.

Huge respect to you @hassletassle and enjoy having your house back!
I really hope we can be in the same position soon. I remember reading this thread before hosting and feeling some people were quite harsh. I thought I was very well prepared and have worked in areas which should have helped me. It has definitely been a lot harder than I imagined and I do miss feeling at home in my home.
On the plus side, we have done everything that needed doing and my grown up kids have been amazing. I hope that this will be one of those things that we are glad we have done when we look back on it.

@star162 she didn’t want to actually have to put any effort in to find a new place, wanted it all done for her, didn’t want to pay rent at all.

Main reason to go back is for some bloke she’s known about a year. There was never any real intention of staying.

it’s bloody lovely having my house Back 😊

I bet it is! My guest has got a much better job than she had before, with more money and aligned to her area of interest. But, it's 9-5, Monday to Friday which means she is now around almost all the times that I am. In the kitchen in the morning (breakfast seems to start at 6.30am and take about 90 minutes), in the evening, and then around all day during the weekend. I'm pleased for her, and hope it will help her rental search, but selfishly the evenings and weekends in hospitality made my life easier. I dream of being able to make a cup of tea without having to make polite conversation. I am learning a lot about myself in this process, not much of which is particularly pleasant!

Someone here recommended treating your guest firmly as a lodger rather than a friend (to start with anyway).
So now that your guest’s hours have changed you need to set some new rules. Eg that you have the kitchen for fixed hours each on certain days (other days you might agree to eat together). When it’s one person’s turn the other stays out of the kitchen (that includes you). So you each get a break and can relax. Both of you might be equally relieved at this but it’ll have to come from you.

My guest had started to study in the kitchen and was huffing and puffing if I tiptoed in to make tea. So I got her a desk for her room and said the kitchen was for relaxing only - and we communicate daily over who’s cooking and when. When she’s in there we stay out. They don’t spend too long in there to be fair. Things are much better now.

I dream of being able to make a cup of tea without having to make polite conversation.

^ just go in and smile and that's enough politeness!

So we have been asked if we can sponsor two relatives of our female guests for them to be able to leave Ukraine but with no intention of them actually coming to live with us. Apparently on Facebook this is being suggested to try and get men out of the country? Is this legal? It doesn't feel to right to sponsor with no hosting plans at all.

They need a sponsor to get in the country. There is nothing to say they have to stay with you a set time though. I don't know if its legal, but ive seen nothing to say its illegal either.

@LaurelGrove please don’t judge yourself too harshly. It is obviously an absolutely massive thing to welcome a complete stranger into your home for months. It‘s rarely easy in a relationship with someone you have chosen! We’re all just people who are doing our best in a very difficult situation. 💐

Having read through it all again the intention is hosts offer housing for up to a year. But we wouldn't be offering housing to these people at all.

We’re hosting again as a surprise.
My cousin rang from Poland last night having unexpectedly left.
I felt really bad, he was saying ‘I won’t cook, I’ll be out a lot’. It’s clearly been talked about I’ve been a bit cross with others, and I bet I was painted as horrible. I don’t mind cooking for example, they just every morning cooked bacon so high it stunk the house and splattered grease. I don’t mind people being in, I do mind them having a bedroom in a small house and taking over the front room as an office and expecting no one to talk half the day whilst on phone calls. I don’t mind my pans being used, I do mind food being left in the saucepan for days on the hob so I have to clear it before I can cook myself.
It makes me look shitty, family fleeing and I’ve made out to be horrible.
This cousin loved with us here for years too (I hadn’t met the more distant relatives I’ve previously hosted before). He’s decent and I like him, so it was embarrassing that he was pleading and desperate.
I’m cross

That’s annoying MumEeeee. You don’t sound unreasonable at all. I am not surprised you’re cross.

Still, these are the sort of things that loom large in the moment but will be laughed about or forgotten in the future. I hope it goes well with your cousin.

Thanks @fortheloveofflowers that unwillingness to do anything for themselves is what underpins our situation, which has taken a massive nosedive in the past 10days. Turns out our reasonable requests that she supervise her son in the evenings rather than leaving him alone in the house, disturbing our kids once they were in bed so she could smoke outside, were being forwarded on to the council with her complaining that we were so unreasonable that she couldn't live with us, so could the council find her some accommodation pronto (needless to say the council told her we were being incredibly reasonable). Not just pay for it - they were already going to do that - but actually find it for her. And not in the less convenient areas, only in the best areas as that is the only place she is prepared to live (she doesn't work and has a free bus pass). To say we were disappointed is an understatement - after everything we had done for her, we weren't expecting endless gratitude but to be complaining about us behind our backs in an attempt to get preferential treatment so she didn't have to do what most in her situation were doing of actually looking for accommodation themselves, was a bit grim. She was aggressive with us when we spoke to her about it, sees nothing wrong it any of it, doesn't seem to have any recognition of how little we were asking of her in the full context, and doesn't care about the impact on us.

Anyway, suffice to say the relationship has now properly broken down and the council are trying to find her alternative accommodation, but we don't want to just terminate the arrangement because then her poor young boy will be kicked out into a hotel or hostel (which she doesn't seem to care about and is unwilling to do anything proactive to avert, but we do). So we are living in a pretty frosty environment, hoping the council will not waste a load of its resources trying to accommodate her totally unreasonable location requests (which we know lots of people who work could not afford) but do get her rehoused quickly. It's all just really sad and not what I am hearing from most people about their experiences. I work in a field where I get to see a pretty broad cross section of society, and I think we just got unlucky. C'est la vie. Hats off to everyone hosting, it's a great and altruistic thing to do, which I am sure I will be glad to have done (once its over...) not because it was overall enjoyable, but because it was the right thing to have done in our circumstances and because the little boy has had a good start at our local school, has made friends and I hope has a foundation here for a future.
But I can't wait to have my spare room back and to not have someone so openly hostile to me and my family living under my roof!

That sounds terrible @star162 and it must be so hard to still have the mum living in your house and treating you badly I'm impressed you're putting up with it for the sake of the son - I'm not sure o could be the bigger person to that extent in your situation. I've mentioned it before but if you're on Facebook the Ukraine Hosts Support group is a good place to get support from a community of hosts many of whom have been through similar and understand

Thanks @Catslovepies. I think I've just become a bit used to the stress of it, but I find it really hard seeing her everyday. I feel so sorry for her son, though - she shows so little interest in him, never makes him proper food (dinner is often just cereal), never plays or really engages with him. The whole thing is just really depressing and dysfunctional and I'll be relieved glad not to have to witness it every day. We had already decided to put him on social services' radar when they move out, before the situation with her deteriorated, because she is clearly not meeting his needs (for which I recognise there may be many reasons). If it reverts to how it was before we set some house rules and translated the messages from school about being on time etc, then it was really chaotic and neglectful and it still often ends up that way anyway (biscuits for breakfast, always late for school, very rarely a proper cooked meal, always eating alone, never being played with, never walking next to/crossing roads with him). Anyway, those are all the reasons we are carrying on rather than kicking them out.
Thanks for the tip re facebook - I'm not actually on it, but I've found it really cathartic to vent on this thread, so thanks for listening.

star that is very difficult and her poor son. I would just serve a written notice to leave in 3 weeks' time and require them to be out then no matter what.

I am so sorry for you @star162 . We have a similar situation here and it is heartbreaking to witness. It sounds as though you have done an amazing job and her son has been lucky to have you.

That is heartbreaking. Your perseverance for his benefit is commendable.