Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

I don’t think it’s a good idea to have someone come into the country with no address to locate them, even initially? I would hesitate to sponsor someone if they’re not going to live with me tbh

I don't disagree. But I also don't think there is anything that makes the suggestion illegal either.

Thanks @Xenia @WTF475878237NC @Letsgoforaskip I really appreciate your comments. We have a meeting with the council tomorrow. We have told them that they basically have 6 weeks to find her accommodation, not of her choosing in the most expensive areas (which they won't be able to do), but suitable for her. It's really unfair that basically we are being left with the decision of do we continue to host or do we force them into emergency accommodation, because the mother is too idle and selfish to head that off herself by being reasonable and proactive. So we are trying to push that onto the council, to force them to tell her she doesn't get to live in one of the most expensive places in the country on housing benefit. Let's see. I just don't think I have it in me to force them into emergency accommodation when we ultimately do have a spare room.

I spent sleepless nights worrying about similar stuff. Six year old boy mostly fed on coco pops and little else, awake until 10.30/11.00 pm. Tantrums and weird cruelty to the animals. It has been the most enormous relief now they have gone after six months. You are incredible for persevering- but I wonder at what cost to you and your family? I think the childcare worries are at least partially if not wholly cultural and not sure you can fix that however long you try

star may be you have to find it within you for the good of your own family and yourself (given even a hostel for the guests means they are not being bombed in Ukraine so is surely a good and morally safe choice for them)

This.

Ukraine is a glass shortage which can only get worse. And even Lviv has just had extensive power outages. Issues with food distribution aren't unlikely as winter approaches and the snow potentially sets in under the circumstances.

You need to do what's right for you and your family. Sign post the authorities about your concerns. But you can't be responsible for someone who doesn't want to be responsible for themselves.

Just because they’re from Ukraine doesn’t mean they’re good parents or mesh well with your household. Let them move on and offer a space to someone else who would be glad of it. Vet them first by meeting them a few times. There may be people in a centre or group shelter who would like a family in your area.

By vet I mean discuss some firm house rules in advance. If they’re not happy, they don’t need to move in.

Thanks @Achmelvich @Xenia @RedToothBrush you're all quite right. We had the meeting with the council yesterday who were pretty clear about her options, one of which they are now suggesting is another host family. This is her worst nightmare because she sees us as having been so difficult and unreasonable (which she reiterated yesterday) and the council told her that we had been v reasonable. So it may be that the prospect of going somewhere else even more "unreasonable" will focus her mind. Equally the council have told her she needs to be looking for private rented accommodation, they aren't going to do it for her, and that it needs to be in any area and she needs to get a job if she wants landlords to take her seriously. Plus work out how she is going to pay bills on universal credit. So the council have told her all the right things and we have told them that she has until the end of the 5 weeks left on her 6 months, after which she is out. Then as you say if she ends up in a hostel, that isn't our fault and we can't stop her from making such terrible decisions.

And @Achmelvich I'm really sorry to hear you have seen similar things re the parenting, it's horrific to watch isn't it. And the little boy must have a really good idea now how terribly served he is being because he sees how we engage with our own kids. I think you're right that there is definitely a cultural issue, at least for some Ukrainians, and that we will also never change it, cultural or individual. Interestingly, we (and many others) have been helped here by a Ukrainian woman who has lived in our area for 15 years and brought up her kids here - she says the bedtimes are definitely cultural, she has been horrified generally by the lack of play by Ukrainian parents with their kids, but that the general disinterest and lack of care re food/generally was not cultural, just a reflection on the type of person our guest is. We had charitably put a lot of it down to depression and a background of a controlling relationship with the father, but I think the reality is that the majority of it is nothing to do with those things, just the poor choices she is choosing to make. Poor kid.

I am going to have a leaving party for her, when she's gone!

Bedtimes are definitely cultural! My guest asked me if it was true that kids in England go to bed at 7pm. I said, well, kind of….in theory….

It must be hard though, if you have guests who are clearly not doing a great job as parents, to unpick what is just a local norm from what is essential. We are lucky that our guests are great parents so if they choose to be a bit hands off or to feed their baby tea we don’t feel we need to worry. Their kids eat liver and their 3 year old is better at putting his plates in the dishwasher than my teenagers though so their culture is winning on quite a few fronts 😂

Oh my goodness! Thank you! This is exactly the post I need! I don’t know why I didn’t look harder for one before! We are having so many of the same issues! Thankfully until lately it’s been very amicable, and I’ve just ranted to my husband when specific things get to me, but now we have butted heads over something I feel very strongly about and my goodwill has vanished overnight. I’m done!

Really sorry to hear you're in the same boat @HowhardcanitB It's really tough isn't it. What's happened that's tipped you over the edge? Hope you're getting some support. Is there any prospect of your guests leaving anytime soon?

Now we all want to know what was that thing that tipped Howhard over the edge!

I’m so sorry! I’ve tried to write it out a few times but it’s way too specific and outing, and she reads forums! But boy am I glad she wanted us to give notice so she can get her own place! So hooray for us all that we have an end date in writing! I definitely agree the way to survive is with lodger style. I have some very good friends that I can rant to anytime, but people in the same boat are priceless!

As we've said no to sponsoring relatives to get them out of the country our guest would now like to meet up with the relative abroad. It just makes me feel completely taken advantage of that we've shelled out so much financially, and now they've got the money for this.

I can't wait for it to be over. I still feel it was the right thing to do, but we made assumptions and were led to believe certain things that mean this just hasn't been a great match.

This case takes the biscuit! Talk about revenge for being asked to do a bit of washing up.
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11361405/Ukrainian-refugee-reported-mother-took-police-making-DISHES.html

Hmmm. Be interesting to hear what the original agreement was versus what transpired when she moved in.

Vile from the Mail though. What about the huge number of successful placements?

I think she should have to pay the family for the loss of their time at the police station, the cost of their solicitor and for the trauma of reporting them just to get back at them, never mind prosecuted for the offence of wasting police time!

The police were clearly at fault too though.

It’s too difficult to write subtly racist news stories about those.

There are a huge number of good news stories about wonderful Ukraine v horrible Russia though so I don't really see one Ukrainian causing such trouble to a host family as being a racist issue. I think the papers are very pro Ukraine - just about all newspapers - left and right in the UK.

Xenia you are confusing two different things. Of course the right-wing press are pro-Ukraine when they are writing about the war, because otherwise they would have to be pro-Putin, who is a monster. But they can still be xenophobic (and racist) about Ukrainian refugees coming to the UK. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

And the Mail has always been like this. Dog-whistle journalism.

I just wanted to check in and see how everybody is doing?
Our guests have not yet been successful in finding their own flat to rent so we have extended our invitation for them to stay for another 6 months. We would love to have our own space back to be honest but we feel we can’t ask them to leave.
I would love to hear how people are dealing with managing the temperature in the house?! We haven’t had the heating on much this year as we live in south east and the weather has been very mild - thermostat generally around 20 degrees. I have noticed that my guests are running an electric heater full time in their room which I feel mildly annoyed about if I am honest. Am I being unreasonable? I think maybe I am as the £350 will cover this additional
payment (I have calculated it costs £7.20 a day to run for 24 hours) but it feels unnecessary and wasteful? Is anyone else in a similar position and how are you managing it?