I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

[Changeymcchangeychange]

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

Well done, you, for deciding not to schedule your free days with hers. Baby steps! Now you just need to work on getting up the ability to say no. Once you've successfully done it once, it will get easier and easier. I must say, I'm amazed at how much of your schedule she seems to control.

"No, I can't stay in for your parcel!"

"I know you arranged for it to come to my home! But I cant stay in for your parcel"

"I know you assumed it was ok with me! No I can't stay in for your parcel!"

"No that suggestion doesn't work for me. No I cant stay in for your parcel!"

"I have explained thjat I cant stay in for your parcel. I suggest yopu rearrange the delivery for when you are in, to your house!

"No I cant be in tomorrow for yopur parcel"

No I dont want to work my life aropund your parcels"

No I can't stay in for your parcel"

...you get the picture!

And she is NOT a friend, she is manipulative and is using you

This is a lesson you need to learn. You say you're going to have a breakdown over it. What's harder? Drawing some boundaries or having a mental breakdown?

Been there. Ditch her. You have a duty to yourself to keep yourself happy abnd healthy first and foremost. Tell her to go away. It is liberating. After I ditched my friend, I managed to save enough for 2 months in NZ and Australia for me and my partner. That is how much she was costing me and I didn't realise!

I could have written this verbatim about a supposed best friend of mine.

If you really want to cement in your mind how little you may mean to her I would suggest that you test the friendship in some way. Ask a favour or even up the effort required by both of you ie something that requires her to put herself out as well.

My experience of this has not been great tbh. It's a real eye opener. have found the ridiculous excuses follow or the request is ignored altogether. The realisation that some people see friendship as a service to be tapped is a revelation. Very sad but enlightening as well. There is a script to these people, just like cheaters. Once seen, never to repeated.

Text your friend, say you can’t accept any more deliveries on her behalf.

Then change your mobile phone number - give it to those who need it, but do not give it to your friend. It will help you go NC.

Next put yourself and your family first. Arrange some evenings out with your partner, days with your family. Join the PTA or work groups - you’ll make new friends.

You can do this. Hold onto the rage, let it keep you from weakening.

You may have to expressed how you are feeling to your friend. Does she realize how her requests are affecting you? If makes more excuses or belittles your feelings, then she is not deserving of your friendship. At that point, I'd end the friendship since your wellbeing comes first.

But she’s not ‘borrowing’ is she and you’re not ‘lending’ if you don’t get stuff back.

Just stop, say no. I know it’s hard because I’ve been there too, but you’ve got a martyr situation going on here and your friend is taking advantage of it. Be firm, quit.

Jesus. It sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship.

Get yourself a new friend, she sounds vile. Practice your no and build yourself up to saying you know what no, I am good thanks ask someone else.

it’s hard to break out of a good character when your clearly a great friend. Sounds like you are someone who deserves much better than this taking advantage style friendship.

Scrub all her/your matching dates out of your 'electronic' diary.
Next time she asks a favour say 'NO I can't, and please don't suggest an alternative as I won't be doing favours any more. They are taking up too much of my time and I'm re-styling my life'.
Whatever she says or writes after you send that, just text that you said it all in the earlier email/text and won't be available for favours again so please don't ask as the reply will be the same.
Do not respond to any further messages, just delete them and let calls go unanswered or blocked. You'll feel sooo much better. 💐

@Changeymcchangeychange How did it go, OP? What did she say?? Should we crack open the champagne 🍾 and celebrate that you're finally free?🥂

Do let us know how you get on and don't forget, it will only take one leap of faith, one word, to break the bonds that she has bound you with.
Don't let yourself down. You can and will do it BEFORE she asks again. Make it clear that you're not available to do favours at any time now or in the future. It's a clear out of your life. A change for the better. W

Several days ago, I finally "unfriended" a "friend" on FaceBook. We'd been through a lot together, but she was really getting ugly over the trans issue.

I never felt so good and relieved and liberated as when I pressed that "Unfriend" button. I thought I would miss her, but I DON'T. My mother used to tell me that I like beating my head against a brick wall because it felt so good when I stopped, and was that ever the truth!

So, do something for yourself for a change and walk away from it. You don't owe her a long explanation or even one in person. Just say, "I can't give you what you want any more. Sorry if that's a problem for you," and leave.

You won't believe how good you feel. "When one door closes, another opens."

So, go ahead and close that door.

Just say no!

“No sorry that doesn’t work for me”

I totally get it. I was brought up as a people pleaser too.
My MIL who recently passed away age 95 was always completely bemused by my ability to get myself into situations like this because I felt too bad to say no to people.

She never agreed to do unreasonable favours for people who were inclined to take advantage, unless it was family, in which case she Wouid always help if she could.

Whenever I told Rose i was being lumbered again. She say to me.
oh no not again. You’re way too soft!

And When I said it was really hard to say
no
She’d say,
Not as hard as doing that favour and if they don’t like it and get offended then all the better because you’ll be shot of them!

She died a few months ago and I’ve decided my tribute to her, is to be more like her in that respect.
so my advice
Be more Rose 🌹 X

Sadly, this whole saga/experience has left me not wanting to do anything for anyone, thinking everyone has an alternative motive and turning into a tight-ass who doesn't lend anything to anyone

That seems a bit extreme. It’s not door mat or door closed surely.

👆 100% this. REAL friends never do this shit.

Good luck OP, you'll do great. I hope you enjoy a wonderfully relaxing future.

Don't worry about not wanting to do anything for anyone. You'll get an idea of who's genuine when help/favours are mutual. You can also say no at any point, or indeed say yes. It doesn't have to be only one or the other.

Reading your posts, I am struck by how often you use the word excuse and think this is the crux of the matter. The word excuse implies something you should do, but don't want to. But these are not things you should do because you don't owe it to anyone to do anything. When are in a reciprocal relationship it is a joy to help others, but when it is so one way and CF-y, it is ok to say no. Keep it simple- don't make excuses or give reasons - a simple no, I can't is most effective. Your 'friend' (and I put this in inverted commas because this is not a true friendship, true friends don't treat each other like this) will undoubtedly be mad and that will suck. She may get over it or she may not. If she does you can establish a better, healthier relationship. If she doesn't, you will be out of a toxic relationship. Good luck. Look up broken record technique for saying no.

I hope you have said that you can't stay in for her parcel and she'll have to make alternative arrangements.

You need to remove any reference to her or her DP or people connected to her from your digital diary. She is no longer allowed to occupy your headspace.
Your diary is for YOU and no one else. Plan YOUR time to suit you. If you are around to feed her cat, feed it but don't plan your leave around hers so that you'll be available to feed her cat. You've probably saved her £100's in cattery fees by being there to look after her cat. So what if her plants die because they can't be watered. There are plenty of ways to arrange for slow release of water/plant foods that she should look in to.
Start stepping back and it doesn't have to be with huge steps, just what works for you.

Best of luck to you with this

Glad to see you're still here, OP!

It must have been so exhausting to have watched her schedule so you can pre-empt her wanting something and be ready with excuses - I'm sure life will be much easier once you've sent that text and let her know you're no longer available. At all. Ever!!

Fingers crossed for you.x.

You probably think you’ll lose her as a friend if you stick up for yourself but it might actually make her see that you’re changing and becoming more confident, secure etc and she’ll treat you differently fearing you’re moving away from her. Not that you should bother as you don’t need a friend like that anyway. Go try find better people.