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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

352 replies

Changeymcchangeychange · 18/05/2022 23:15

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 20/05/2022 10:53

You need to ditch her completely. Trying to limit her demands on you will be like trying to hold back the tide. Just cut her off completely or you will find yourself stressing over every tiny little instance again.

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 20/05/2022 10:54

Good for you OP. Once you've started standing up to her it'll get easier.

anotherNCsorryfolks · 20/05/2022 11:02

You need to cut her off completely. I'm not sure why your still friends as it's sending mixed messages and she'll go back to her usual shitty behaviour.

Just be done with her.

loislovesstewie · 20/05/2022 11:04

Good for you, OP, now block her and get on with doing something that you enjoy.

Bobbins36 · 20/05/2022 11:18

Changeymcchangeychange · 20/05/2022 10:43

The first thing I am going to change is that I am no longer going to worry about specifically keeping my nights free when my friend is free. It's fallen into a scenario that I feel obliged to keep these nights free, and I feel there is an expectation by her for me to keep these nights free, as its her only chance to have a good night out (her partner works away a fair amount, so when he is here she takes the opportunity to go out). I arrange my time/diary around her free nights, but FUCK THAT. I am no longer doing this. I have plans for the UK long bank holiday and I have no idea what she is doing. She has other friends she can see.

@Changeymcchangeychange thsi is a great start but for your sake please also start actively saying no to specific requests. Sounds like she may not take the subtl hint approach. 😘

Johnnysgirl · 20/05/2022 11:23

I just need to find a large pair of balls. But it’s so hard. So very hard. She sees me as a walk over.
You need to think about why you find it so very hard. It isn't actually hard at all for most people.
Plenty to work on.

DeskInUse · 20/05/2022 11:25

Well done op, baby steps is what it takes... you don't have to tell her to 'do one' or 'no' but you can stop being so accommodating.

'Do you fancy coming out on Saturday night?'
'I can't make it ima afraid, how about x date instead'

You're still being polite, a little out if your comfort zone but it's more in your terms

ButtockUp · 20/05/2022 12:11

I'm so pleased to read your update.
That's a great step forward and this will, hopefully, empower you to be a little bolder if ( probably when) she next tries to intrude into your private family time.

Can I ask, you mentioned that you share diaries. Is that electronically?
If so, then perhaps stop updating yours and find a different diary set up or use a real one.
If your friend asks why then say ' it wasn't working for me, I prefer to see it written down."
That way, you can untangle your social lives/free time. It would stop her looking ahead and making assumptions.

AdoraBell · 20/05/2022 12:40

👍

Original poster
Changeymcchangeychange · 20/05/2022 13:28

@ButtockUp I have my electronic diary and I keep notes in there of when her partner is home and not away working ie she is free ie there is an expectation to do something/see her. I also keep notes of the dates for when she is away on holiday so I can manage/foresee any related expectations there too (eg wait in for deliveries for her, requests to feed her pets or any other excuse to go to her house in her absence) and have my excuses ready, although these have been wearing thin and it's getting obvious that I am making an excuse. She doesn't know I have a note of these all dates.

I've been way too accommodating. And that is one of the key words in this whole issue - accommodating (boundaries is another one). I've made myself too available.

OP posts:
yesthatisdrizzle · 20/05/2022 14:04

I arrange my time/diary around her free nights, but FUCK THAT. I am no longer doing this.

Woo hoo!! Well done OP, that is a massive step in the right direction, so hang on to that attitude.😀

ButtockUp · 20/05/2022 14:21

Ah, I see.

Yes, I see that you've been accommodating her.
I'd venture forth and suggest another word... facilitating -in that she is using you to make her life easier for her.
Unfortunately for you, this is making your life harder for you.

You are there to deal with aspects that she really doesn't want to sort out for herself and you're required to entertain her when she's free.

This does sound very one-sided.

She may well be great company but a friend will not use another friend in this way.

Feeding each other's cats/watering each other's plants etc... is one thing but to be constantly at someone's beck and call is something else indeed.

I really feel for you @Changeymcchangeychange and you are clearly at a breaking point with this user.

Small steps now would be better for you so that you can build on your confidence.
If she smells a rat then you may have to back away and go NC with her.

All good wishes to you.

Original poster
Changeymcchangeychange · 20/05/2022 15:04

@ButtockUp yes totally re facilitating and being at her beck and call. I don't mind feeding her cat or watering plants when she is away but why me every single time. She has other friends she can ask and it's a real pain to have to go over to hers the other side of town (30 min drive there and back) every day to do this. She is a great laugh when we go out but there are also issues with this too in that I feel I always end paying for more than she does. I'm not tit-for-tat but if she can get out of paying for a taxi/round, then she will. I'm certain that at most times we go out I am spending a good £10-£15 more than her each time. I'm wary to this and try to subtly manage it each time we are out. She has also borrowed things of mine and never given them back, despite me asking. These are usually small things e.g. gardening gloves etc but these all add up and one of these things was a £50 item.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 20/05/2022 15:13

I can feel your anger rising OP - & this is a good thing.
It will help you process all the feelings of resentment you have squashed down for years.

I'm not tit-for-tat but if she can get out of paying for a taxi/round, then she will. I'm certain that at most times we go out I am spending a good £10-£15 more than her each time. I'm wary to this and try to subtly manage it each time we are out

You need to get yourself - in time, with practice - to a place where, the next time someone tries something like this on, you cut out being subtle or trying to manage things.
You just own your irritation, & say "hoi you CF, why are you expecting me to stump up more money than you? The bill comes to X so that is Y each. Right - shall we walk to the cinema now, or do you think there'll be a bus soon?"

Note the subject change at the end.
A great technique for glossing over the awkward, for signalling that you expect agreement, & for retaining control of the atmosphere.

I sincerely hope you don't get to use it on CF 'friend' though, because you have told her to piss off with her batshit demands as you are no longer her unpaid PA 😀

ButtockUp · 20/05/2022 15:22

So she's also , basically, dipping into your pockets and treating you as her own private , free Amazon hub.
Gosh, you must be raging inside.

As @KettrickenSmiled said, this is good and you must try, as hard as you can, to use this.
Deflecting is a great strategy.

RedPanda901 · 20/05/2022 15:35

She's a user, OP. Well done for taking little steps to reclaim control. Another good tactic if asked a favour is to not say yes or no immediately. Just say, 'I am not sure whether I can/will be in/am available. Let me check and get back to you.' If she checks in with you later, be deliberately vague again, saying, 'Sorry, haven't had a chance to check…' She'll soon lean on some other poor fucker and you'll be free!

Original poster
Changeymcchangeychange · 20/05/2022 15:41

@ButtockUp I am def raging ! I make sure that if we need something at home then we buy it (within reason). I don't need to beg or borrow off others (and never hand back). She can afford to buy the things she needs for herself, but of course it's cheaper for her to borrow time after time.

Sadly, this whole saga/experience has left me not wanting to do anything for anyone, thinking everyone has an alternative motive and turning into a tight-ass who doesn't lend anything to anyone

OP posts:
Crankley · 20/05/2022 15:43

OP, it's good you have realised things have to change. Friendships are supposed to enhance life, not make your life miserable.

Stop looking at her diary.
Stop making excuses.
Start saying no, it's not convenient
If she pushes, then you just have to be brave and say because I don't want to do it.
Don't apologise.

You're going to feel fantastic after you take the first step - very best of luck.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/05/2022 15:44

Sadly, this whole saga/experience has left me not wanting to do anything for anyone, thinking everyone has an alternative motive and turning into a tight-ass who doesn't lend anything to anyone

An understandable reaction - don't worry, it will pass.

yesthatisdrizzle · 20/05/2022 15:53

Hang on to your rage OP, and use it as a force for good.

FinallyHere · 20/05/2022 15:55

why me every single time.

You know why this is. You have always been available and you have yourself out for the person no matter the cost to yourself.

In her shoes, why would you ever ask anyone else when you are always available?

How do you feel about that ?

Hope you start acting on your feeling that you do nothing for anyone. That would be a good start. Good luck.

Newestname002 · 20/05/2022 16:21

If she pushes, then you just have to be brave and say because I don't want to do it.

You'll be amazed about how great that makes you feel once you've actually said it!! It also, usually, has the effect of people thinking twice before they try and impose on you again. It's also easier to say No again once you've done it, and meant it, the first time.

If that means they stop being "friends", AKA cheeky Users, all the better. Life is too hard already and too short to put up with such CF behaviour. 🌹

Lweji · 20/05/2022 16:30

Sadly, this whole saga/experience has left me not wanting to do anything for anyone, thinking everyone has an alternative motive and turning into a tight-ass who doesn't lend anything to anyone

You really shouldn´t become so cynical that you think everyone has an ulterior motive.
But, you should become more aware of takers and start distancing yourself when you meet one.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 20/05/2022 16:46

Sadly, this whole saga/experience has left me not wanting to do anything for anyone, thinking everyone has an alternative motive and turning into a tight-ass who doesn't lend anything to anyone

Well maybe just be a bit more transactional. Do one favour for anyone, but dont do anything else until that favour has been returned.

ButtockUp · 20/05/2022 17:51

Absolutely agree with @FinallyHere
Your 'friend' has twigged that you are the only one of her companions who is willing to comply with her bidding, as you don't appear to have friends.
Her mates are obviously busy with their lives but you , because you are so lovely and feel friendless, feel that you need to do her bidding, because you feel somewhat lonely.

Think this... you have a job as well as a family.
If this leach were removed from your life, would you have more time to devote to developing new and lasting friendships?
Eg, you don't stay in for her parcel and you went to a painting/photography/gym/yoga/yodelling class instead , you might find a more reciprocal and like minded friend instead?

You've said that your frenemy might have rumbled that you're making excuses. Let her.
She's probably panicking that her PA is absconding and that she is going to have to be responsible for her her own life.

Keep strong.

You've hit rock bottom. The only way is up.
You are a very kind and sensitive person, many good friends await you. You are not dependent on her.

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