I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

[Changeymcchangeychange]

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

She’s not your friend.

”sorry <friend-notFriend> I’m off work that day and won’t be in. You’ll need to arrange delivery for when you are home to receive your parcel. I’m not available”

and if you can’t send it, give your phone to fiancé and ask him to send it.

@Changeymcchangeychange Why do you share diaries with her? Start by taking hers off your phone and then don’t give her access to yours? That’s asking for trouble from the CF. Honestly please just respond to a text with ‘no, can’t do that I’m afraid” - don’t explain why or apologise for not doing it.

You need to dump her. You can't go back to being normal friends. I think if you look back right to the start you'll find she was making demands then. I think with someone like this you have to be absolutely brutal in the way you end it, otherwise she'll get you back onside. I think you should write to her (or get your husband to type it out if you're unable to do it) and say something like, "I won't be able to do X Y or Z for you. I'm really fed up of you using me in this way. You're not my friend, you just want me to do things for you." And then block her immediately.

And get rid of all those things - past, present and future - in your diary, too. Or file it under "User" and start a new fresh one.

Call on your husband for support - he's clearly completely fed up of her.

You’ve been given lots of good advice on how to deal with your CF “friend”.

Let’s address the fact you say she’s you only friend. I am in a sort-of similar situation in that I’ve no close friends nearby - my “best” friend ghosted me last year, but that’s a different story! I’ve moped about for months about it but with some help from DH to boost my confidence This week I sent a message to my DD’s class WhatsApp group and asked if anyone would like to go out for dinner and a good old chat in the next few weeks. To my surprise 6 other mums have already said yes and 2 confided in me that they were feeling really isolated and were so grateful I’d issued the invite. Why not try the same, you may find yourself making a whole bunch of new friends!

There's a lot of good advice given here by numerous posters, at the end of the day no "friendship" is worth anything if its making you miserable and affecting you so badly.
For the sake of your own health and wellbeing, you need to wave goodbye to this person, it will genuinely be a heavy weight of your shoulders.
You sound a lovely friend, but shes abused your kind nature, and she doesn't deserve you.

You will make better friends, don't worry about that.

People pleasing is often a defense mechanism from a dysfunctional childhood, something along the lines of if I don't placate my aggressive/ignoring/invalidating/whatever parent I will be abandoned and I may not survive.

So for everyone suggesting @Changeymcchangeychange do this, do that, it's simple, it's actually not that simple. It's like advising someone with a severe phobia of heights to stand on the top of the Eiffel Tower because 'nothing's going to happen to you.'

Saying no or willingly entering into conflict is terrifying to a people pleaser. It can feel like a panic attack, the body remembers childhood trauma whether it's logical or not.

What I have found in the past, as a people pleaser, the frustration and resentment just keeps building up because some CF keeps wiping their feet on you, until you HAVE to walk away for your sanity. Then you're left processing the feelings of humiliation and self loathing for a long time. Also the guilt that you might have changed the dynamic and saved the friendship although my experience has been that not one person who I ended a friendship with for using me has ever shown any remorse or even contacted me when the gravy train stops. That's an important thing to remember.

The concensus here, quite rightly that this friend needs to go. However, I think it would be very beneficial to the Op to get some therapy for this, to understand the thoughts and feelings that cause it and to get some strategies to set boundaries and use assertiveness going forward. This isn't something that will disappear without help and it may happen again. I swapped one toxic 'best' friend for another without even realising it.

Also something to consider, my therapist said we should always be keeping score in our relationships. None of this 'you don't give to receive ' nonsense we are socialised with. It doesn't have to be ruthlessly transactional but there needs to be reciprocity to be a relationship.

Apologies for the length of the post but this is something close to my heart. I cringe to think of the things I have done for other people to make them accept me.

I used to be like this. Always having to give an reason why I couldn't do something even if I genuinely couldn't do it and even offering an alternative date if I could. I was discussing it with a good friend and she said to me that her very wise mum had once said to her when she was in a similar predicament "no is also an answer". I armed myself with that and the next time the person (this wasn't even a friend, just a school parent who couldn't sort out their own childcare) asked me to have their kid I just said no. They stood looking at me in anticipation of a reason and I just looked back so they had no option but to scurry off. It was the best feeling. You can do it too OP!

There’s some really good advice on this thread. When someone stops seeing you as a person with a life, feelings and priorities then it’s time to pull the plug. I’ve had a few friendships which started going down this road and I ghosted them - maybe not the best way but I didn’t want a long drawn argument. Don’t negotiate with her. Maybe a short, sharp email about not being available to take in parcels or other favours and friends should recognise it’s a two way street? This isn’t a friendship it’s a pseudo work relationship. You have other important priorities in your life and your time is valuable, OP.

Not quite. It has been more of a mental lightbulb moment for me. This person can be great fun and compassionate, and we do an activity we both love, so it's more about getting back on track and me growing a pair. The problem is that she has descended into negativity and self-centredness (enabled a bit by me of course)

So far I have

• reduced contact: not "reached out" unless there is a specific topic, responded when it suits me


• changed my tone: switched off AutoYes; pushed back on negativity


• when I told her some old but important and relevant news she looked surprised and said "you didn't tell me that" and I smiled (we were with others) and said "you didn't ask!" and moved on (she looked hurt/shocked, blathered about having had quite a lot that's tough going on)


• I suspect this will come up when we meet privately soon, and she will say she was a bit hurt. In which case I have a prepared speech along the lines of "we've all got a lot going on but things did get a bit one sided" and will see what she says.


• I've thought about the specific things that happen that upset me (her slagging off people she knows I'm friends with, odd bouts of unreasonable negativity) and have thought of some stock rinse-and-repeat responses.

But at the heart of it is what my lovely therapist told me - she pointed out that I am important to her, and that she's not being a good friend, that I can make this stop, and that we'll all be better if I do.

Prioritise Honesty - my new mantra.

Feel free to yell "No No No!!!!!" as you do so
😂😂😂

@yesthatisdrizzle I bloody love you for this 😘

@CaveMum now that's some resilience!
Well done you, especially after such a distressing episode with your previous friend.

@Dacquoise People pleasing is often a defense mechanism from a dysfunctional childhood, something along the lines of if I don't placate my aggressive/ignoring/invalidating/whatever parent I will be abandoned and I may not survive.

Yes, this is very familiar, sadly.

@Dacquoise no apology was necessary for the length of your post.
It was perfect - both in duration & content 😀

I know a couple of people like your friend. I don't know how your conversations go with her, but based on what I've experienced myself, I suspect there is what I call a "logic gap" (otherwise known as gaslighting). The conversation might go like this. Note that this is all hypothetical. This is just based on my own experiences with CFs.

you: I can't be home to sign for your package because it's my day off and I need a break as work has been full-on for weeks.
her: Oh well you can just relax at home. I really need this package tomorrow [logic gap: why is this your problem?]. It'll probably come before 11 am [logic gap: guesswork] and you'll be able to go out in the afternoon [logic gap - why does she get to limit when you go out?].
you: No, that deliverer never arrives before 3 pm, anyway I've signed up to go to yoga at 10.
her: Oh you're being silly, the packages are almost always there by 930 am [logic gap - guesswork, ad hominem], you'll have loads of time to relax [logic gap - waiting for a package is not relaxing]. Anyway all you need to do is put on a movie and pause it when the delivery guy rings [logic gap - she has no right to decide what you find relaxing in your free time].

Here's how things go if you just don't stay in to wait for the package:
her: I can't believe how irresponsible you were, the deliverer told me they won't be able to try another delivery until Monday. Now my cockatoo will starve to death from lack of his special organic food.
you: But I told you I would not be able to wait in for the package...
her: [logic gap - you didn't say you would wait in for the package, or she ignored that you said you could not] well, I told you how important it was that the package arrive today, and because you didn't sign for it, now I have to special order my cockatoo's food by overnight courier [logic gap - her failure to listen to you is what caused her problem]. You owe me 85 quid for the courier service since you didn't sign for the delivery [logic gap - you do not owe her for her failure to listen to you].
You: But I didn't say I would sign for it...
her: Here are my bank details. I better see that 85 quid in my bank account by tomorrow. I can't believe how irresponsible you were [logic gap - her refusal to listen is magically turned into you being irresponsible]! You're a terrible friend. You really owe me one [logic gap - no win situation for you - her failure to listen to you magically becomes your failure to "follow through" on a favor you never promised to do in the first place]!

The thing I've noticed about people who use logic gaps is that they are totally impossible to argue with. That's because what they say makes no sense. Your friend expects you to do innumerable favors for her, but when you ask for ONE favor, (which, by her own method of "If I do you a favor then you owe me a return favor" she definitely owes you) she simply ignores it. It's absolutely brazen. Any normal person would be too ashamed to look you in the eye, let alone demand yet more favors. And yet, here she is, commanding you do her yet another unreasonable favor.

I don't have a solution. I'm just explaining what I think makes it difficult to interact with this kind of person in a healthy way.

Thank you. I wish we could set up a permanent thread to support 'people pleasers' as it's such a common response to childhood trauma and sets up a person for a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships.

Also something to consider, my therapist said we should always be keeping score in our relationships. None of this 'you don't give to receive ' nonsense we are socialised with. It doesn't have to be ruthlessly transactional but there needs to be reciprocity to be a relationship.

The above is great wisdom.

Another version of it is......

If someone asks a big favour of you, ask yourself would you ask it of them and are they someone who would appreciate it?

Are they really that close to be asking that?

This has stopped me from doing things several times over the years.

Some people find it very easy to ask a favour.

A couple of years ago a parent that I don't know well got my number as she needed her daughter dropped back from hockey training.

Turns out this favour would be taking 20 minutes out of my way on a thursday against traffic.

She wanted to attend inhouse yoga sessions after work, rather than collect her child.

I politely told her that it wouldn't suit me and wished her the best.
She came back with a request for every second week if she could get someone else to share it with me!

I never replied.

What I wanted to text was "Are you on drugs?"🤣

A one off emergency, yes.
A regular inconvenience for me? Not a chance.

You say this woman works with you . Are you afraid she will push you out of your job or make life unpleasant for you ? Maybe change your job and block her ?

You mention she’s your only friend OP, that is particularly hard. You will probably make other, better friends, but you know what? You might not. That’s okay honestly, it’s great to have good friends, or even just one good friend, but bad friends who make you feel rubbish about having what should be a really lovely trait to have (when appreciated and reciprocal) are generally worse than being alone, even when there’s some benefit to the friendship.

Ironically the friendship might be salvageable as just a shallow fun friendship, if you just stop helping her out- she can’t make you do anything against your will. You don’t even have to be honest if you really don’t want to- you can just say no, or let her down a few times without being that sorry and she’ll get the message eventually.

You have to be okay with her not liking you though, worst case scenario you naturally lose contact with her because you aren’t dancing to her tune. I’d would try to make sure not to lose your temper with her, not for her sake, but just so it isn’t awkward if/when you’re interacting again. Keep it light, but stick with the boundaries. Try to be as good a friend to yourself as you have been to her.

Text her this

"I'm sorry CHEEKYFRIEND, but I have had enough of your demands on my time, I am not going to be doing any more waiting for parcels, {insert list here of all the things you have done over the years}. The parcel will be returned to sender. Please do not contact me again."

Then BLOCK her on everything.

Tell your DH and get his support while you do it....

That's because you are a walk over.

I know that's harsh but it's true.

Either say no and block her or continue as you are.

That's because you are a walk over.

I know that's harsh but it's true.

Either say no and block her or continue as you are.

This is so astonishingly helpful!
Ok, so no actual support, just an exhortation to put up or shut up, with no advice as to how to go about doing that, but ... are you seriously, 10 pages in, giving OP this "cancel the cheque" moment,@iRun2eatCake?

Yep l am.

It crap that her friend is making her feel so ill but only she can do anything about it.

I know I'm being snappy but it's just so crap that yet another intelligent, kind woman is being made to feel so rubbish due to other's expectations

Ok, so no actual support, just an exhortation to put up or shut up, with no advice as to how to go about doing that...

OP has had loads of advice on how to stop being a walk over. Giving more would be the 'cancel the cheque' moment. She got no-one to blame but herself. If she doesn't want to change her behaviour she will just have to accept responsibility for it. All OP has done on this thread is make excuses as to why she can't just ignore requests or say no.

@Changeymcchangeychange Absolutely no judgement from me. I have been there and it took me two years to finally get rid of the CF in my life. They simply wouldn't take no for an answer. Only now, I realise I was being guilt tripped, blackmailed, gaslit with every no I said.

I don't know how your "friend" will respond, but try saying no again and offer no explanations other than "because I don't want to". If she ignores it, simply don't do the favour at all - be out somewhere, be unavailable. If you have already said no umpteen times, then nothing you can say or do is going to make a difference and you need to get her out of your life completely.

Stop answering her messages, mute her or block her. If I can do it, so can you. She may try to worm her way back to your life again, but by that point, you will have had the space to think more clearly and realise that she is a toxic creature.

You say she is your only friend, but once she is out of your life, you will gain a renewed respect for yourself and your self confidence will soar. She is not a "friend" worth having because there is no loyalty, no support, no respect or regard for your well being. She's a leech and she will continue to drain you as long as you relent to her demands.

Those posters who say things like "grow up", "grow a pair", "don't be a victim" are not being helpful in any way shape or form, and don't seem to have any conception what coercive control and psychological abuse does to you.

Wishing you the best of luck op. You need to do this for the sake of your own mental health and your fiance who DOES care about you.

Your ‘friend’ is an absolutely cheeky fucker who is frankly abusing you because she knows you’ll just roll over and take it.

The good news here is that all you have to do is stop saying yea to her and this whole nightmare goes away. You don't have to say anything to her. Ever again.

Hope you find the strength to free yourself.

I don't think there is anyone else who can help.