I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

[Changeymcchangeychange]

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

Just send her a text or email that says " Susie, I'm finding your neediness very stressful so am just going to take a break for a while."

She is not your friend. She’s taking the piss. Block her.

I do hope you haven't left the thread because of a couple of negative posts, OP?

You're always going to get a few. Same in most threads.

@StaunchMomma I haven't left the thread !
@Utilityroomenvy I didn't see your post as rude or nasty, I was just curious to see your take on things :-)
I haven't decided what I'm going to say to my friend yet. I'm still angry from the latest ask from her and calming down from it.
I appreciate all the replies. I had a little cry that you were all on my side, so to speak, and its not me being a shitty friend by not wanting to do so these things.

Glad you haven't left @Changeymcchangeychange. You have plenty of advice and support here which you can look back on if you ever feel like your losing your nerve to give her a piece of your mind.

Please stop calling her your friend, because she is not.

You are not a shitty friend. People like her exploit others' kindness for their own gain.

@Changeymcchangeychange Have you considered doing the Freedom Program? (Serious question.) It would help you identify the early signs of abusive relationships - which you are undoubtedly in with CF Friend and stop it before it gets painful for you.

Well I've found one way to deal with CFs is to say, "No thanks." It seems to work because (1) deep down, they know they are doing something wrong, but when you say no thanks, it implies they are offering to do something nice for you; they have to take a moment to work it out, which puts them on the back foot and gives you a little more room to manage the situation. (2) it's totally polite! How can you argue with someone who is being so polite? (3) it doesn't give a reason. Giving the CF a reason gives them the foot in the door that allows them to start coming up with reasons why your reason for not helping them is a bad reason. But "no thanks," gives no reason!

Saying "no thanks," is a bit like just saying, "No!" but with an extra little piece of social armor. And, she keeps asking? You just keep saying, "No thanks." You can even say it cheerfully. It's still a no! But it doesn't have the same scary feel (for those of us who have past experiences of being treated like the worst person in the world if we ever tell someone "no") as a "No, that doesn't work for me."

I get it's hard but only you can change it.

Say no and if she keeps arguing just put the phone down or don't respond to messages.

Ultimately this person is not your friend and I can see why your fiancé gets annoyed.

If she arranges a delivery to your house, just let her know "I might not be there to accept it, so it's a bit risky delivering it to mine". I certainly wouldn't stay in. Or "I'm working so I won't be getting up to take the delivery". Or even clearer "stop having things sent to my house". If she does, tell the delivery person she doesn't live there. She'll soon stop doing it.
You really need boundaries. And I know it's hard but it's so important that you work on this.
Have you considered seeing a therapist to work though these issues?

Really so you are so far from being a rubbish friend.

Having your friends diary linked in with yours and having to restrict your day off due to her is so far away from anything "normal". It's even beyond normal cheeky fuckery!

This woman has insinuated herself into the very heart of your life and you (for whatever reason) have let her.

Even my husband would presume less upon me than your friend does up you. He wouldn't require me to be at home automatically to receive a parcel of his if it didn't suit.

We do have linked diaries but ... we are partners.

This woman is treating you like you're her partner.

She's not your friend, she's a bully and a parasite. Block her number, remove her calendar and never speak to her again. The relief will be enormous.

Hello @Changeymcchangeychange 👋glad you are still here and realising that you are not at fault here. On a practical level, please send her a text re that parcel asap so she has the opportunity to make alternative arrangements, otherwise you are bound to be hit with “it’s too late to change it now, you HAVE to do this” .

I know that will be daunting but honestly, the first time you say NO will be stressful, it will get easier after that xx

If you struggle to know how to respond, come onto this thread and people will talk you through what to say.

Re the parcel, what you could have done is 'hey x, I've got a day off today so can't guarantee I'll be in, you can either risk it that I'll be in, or reschedule it'

I know you've cancelled your day off, but rather than an outright no (if you find it too difficult), then maybe you start off doing it when it's convened for you! Start small and build up

@aloris 'no, thank you'

Is genius. I wish I had thought of that 😀

It might be easier to tell her in a note or text. Practice the words, but basically tell her she's taken advantage of you too many times over the years and you are no longer prepared to do all these 'favours' for her and give her the same excuse she gave for not helping you.

She's a CF of the highest order. Get tough with her. She will get the huff without a doubt, but be prepared for the friendship to end and it won't seem so bad.

Honestly once you've done it you will feel empowered!

I know it can be hard to say no.
But the "No. Thanks!" Is brilliant.
You can do this.
If she does it then tells you, just write or tell her, "oh dear, you have a problem, as i can't do that.!" Do not speak or answer.
Speak or answering gives her an in.
Just repeat, " as I said I can't do it, not possible.!"
Do not speak. Just let her talk herself out.
Do not explain anything.
Ever.

What’s the point of posting this. The only answer is to say no and you can’t say no. What do you expect people to say?

Gosh you’re sympathetic aren’t you? She’s offloading anonymously on a forum. It’s making her feel better. She’s getting some advice. What is the point of you?

Hi OP

Late to the thread but I think you need to stop giving reasons. Just 'no, I'm not doing that, I am stopping with favours' then there is no wiggle room.

And I think you wont need to worry about how to end the friendship after that, people like her disappear when they know they can't get anything from you

Good luck! If you can't do it yourself then get your fiance to compose and send the message for you or with you

What’s the point of posting this. The only answer is to say no and you can’t say no. What do you expect people to say?

And What's the point of posting this? @Pottedpalm

Dear god, use your imagination since you're on an actual discussion site. Heard of it ? 'discussion'? Ideas? A release vent, an outlet? WTF what's the point of justifying to someone who'd post that.
Did you mean to be so nasty?

Thing is, you can’t cry and get upset about it if you’re not actually prepared to do anything about it.

If the OP had said no and been subjected to a mouthful of abuse from this woman then the reaction of being in tears would be understandable. But she’s agreed to do it. She hasn’t said no, she isn’t intending to say no, for some reason she doesn’t want to say no.

The only way she is going to get pas this is by saying no. If my partner was this passive I would be rethinking the relationship at this point.

What advice can we give, other than ‘stop’? The OP says she works around CF friend’s diary, trying to pre-empt the friend’s requests. Just stop. Do your own thing. No, I’m not in. No, not possible. If that doesn’t work you have to block her. But the OP knows all this.

Dear Potted Palm, most of us 'know' most of the time, deep down, what we need to do. Even if we don't do it.

So Let's all pack up and go home then.

Have you come across 'warmth' or 'empathy' or 'a problem shared ... etc".

Didn't think so.

As anybody who is suffering can tell you , it's not just about 'solutions'.

@Pottedpalm

The first thing I am going to change is that I am no longer going to worry about specifically keeping my nights free when my friend is free. It's fallen into a scenario that I feel obliged to keep these nights free, and I feel there is an expectation by her for me to keep these nights free, as its her only chance to have a good night out (her partner works away a fair amount, so when he is here she takes the opportunity to go out). I arrange my time/diary around her free nights, but FUCK THAT. I am no longer doing this. I have plans for the UK long bank holiday and I have no idea what she is doing. She has other friends she can see.